


Hot Under The Collar

by somniumfelix



Series: Hot Under The Collar - Roommates AU [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Anxiety, Coming Out, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Getting Together, Heartbreak, Homophobia, I'm so sorry Reg i promise ill give you a happy ending one day, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Remus Lupin, Pining, Sexual Tension, Smoking, Songfic, anger issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 92,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25511335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: Remus didn't turn to watch Sirius walk back towards the doors of the dorm block, choosing to listen to the sound of his bare feet padding against the stone slabs, but as he heard the door unlock and open, he called out."Thanks, by the way.""Don't mention it," Sirius shouted back."But-""Lupin, don't mention it, seriously. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you.""Good. I still hate you too."Remus was glad Sirius couldn't see the smile playing on his lips.
Relationships: Implied/Referenced Regulus Black/James Potter (Past), James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Mary Macdonald/Peter Pettigrew, Regulus Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Hot Under The Collar - Roommates AU [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959184
Comments: 253
Kudos: 274





	1. Cold As Ice

**Author's Note:**

> A new story! I hope you all enjoy (especially those that read through See The Light In Others and loved that one!!)  
> I'm excited to get this one going and had a ton of fun writing this first chapter <3<3
> 
> Wanna make something clear: I won't be writing any smut in this /at all/ and want to try and keep the rating at mature! I have friends who read this and I don't wanna put anyone off (if I write any, it'll be put in a separate one-shot!)  
> That being said - Sirius and Remus's relationship, especially in the beginning, is heavily based around hatred and sexual tension, and I'll be hinting heavily at sexual activities, have a lot of innuendos and likely some very steamy make-out sessions to really emphasis the basis of their 'friendship'!
> 
> (For example, there are both brief and detailed references to one night stands, blow jobs, masturbation, etc, throughout, but there is only enough detail to allow the reader to know what is happening and all references are in some way essential to the plot!)

Remus

It was far too warm for late September, with everyone expecting calm but cold chills, ready to curl up into oversized sweaters and drink overpriced chain coffees. Instead, students were blessed with hot rays of sun beaming down on them as they lugged their boxes through the campus, beads of sweat rolling down their faces and instantly regretting the attire of jeans and hoodies. 

Either way, the atmosphere was happy, first-year students beaming at the thought of a new level of independence, ready to start lessons and intending to meet their forever friends!

Thankfully, the academic year was already off to a fabulous start for Remus as he hauled piles of boxes up the flights of stairs and into the dorm. 

The room was modest, with a double bed next to a desk on the back wall, and a wardrobe and drawers adjacent. It seemed clinical in a way, with all-white walls, white furniture and porpoise carpet, but this was home for the next year, and Remus would just have to make it his own. Settling down the box on the mattress, he toed off his shoes and jumped onto the bed, crossing his legs and sighing.

That was the last of his stuff, and none of his future roommates were at the dorm yet, giving him plenty of time to unpack in peace and quiet.

He was looking forward to meeting them, of course - he had few friends but loved them dearly and couldn't wait to make more - but he couldn't seem to shake the small nagging feeling that he'd be stuck with some god-awful people.

_They'll hate you!_ His mind helpfully supplied as he dove a hand into one of the boxes on his bed and pulled out a small speaker. Shaking his head, he placed the speaker onto his desk, connecting his phone and shuffling his playlist, and begged his head to keep quiet, at least until he met them. He knew Lily, at least, if his roommates didn't like him. Sure, she'd make her own friends, but she'd always be there for him.

Lily was wonderful, as Remus always reminded her, a beautiful happy bundle with long ginger hair and bright green eyes. He'd never quite believed that the local libraries study group would be so important to him until he sat down next to the chatty redhead, and seemed to go back every week, not for the learning, but until he plucked up the courage to ask her for any of her social media and hang out outside of group. Unsurprisingly, the pair never went back to the study group, electing to spend their time at the nearby smoothie shop Remus had worked at throughout year 12 - talking to Lily was far more interesting than revising law and sociology, anyway!

He busied himself with unpacking, swaying along to the music as he carried his things around the room. He settled his laptop onto the desk, arranging a few other keepsakes around it (one was a framed picture of him and Lily from the first summer they met, and other was a small wolf figurine his parents bought him as a congratulations for getting into university). A few pictures were pinned up on the wall, and his toiletries taken to the shared bathroom across the hallway. He moved to open another box with his clothes - mostly dull sweaters and skinny jeans - ready to put into the draws. Murmuring along to the song - Vicious by Lou Reed - he took an armful of clothing, trying to keep it folded, and spun around to put them away.

"There's only one man I know what listens to bullshit like Reed and John in 2020!" 

Squeaking in fright, Remus was startled by the sudden voice, and he dropped the clothes to the floor, swinging around and preparing to curse at the bastard that spoke. Stood in the doorway was a short, chubby man with the wide grin and happy, beady eyes. His dirty blonde hair was flat, short locks clinging to his forehead, and he stood with arms folded, leaning on the doorframe. 

"Peter Pettigrew, as I live and breath!" Remus smiled, stepping over the pile of abandoned clothing on the floor as he walked towards the man. His heart rate began to slow from the scare, and he put his arms out to pull Peter into a hug. It was slightly awkward - only due to the height difference rather than the embrace itself - but Remus was no less than happy.

"Remus fucking Lupin, I can't believe it," Peter hit his back once before pulling away, patting him on the shoulder, "So what's been up with you then? You dipped right after you quit at Simply Smoothie other than when you came in with that pretty girl of yours!"

"Well," Remus began, bringing his hand to rub his neck and promptly forgetting about the unpacking or neglected clothes on the ground, "Quit there, floated around a few jobs for a bit through year 12 and 13, got into uni and now I'm here with you, man! What about you? Still blending fruit for snobby vegans?" He laughed as Peters face scrunched up in cringe.

"Fuck no! Quit maybe 3 or so months after you did? You were the only good thing about that shithole, you know that! Management was a joke and I couldn't take it. At the Starbucks around the corner now!" Shaking his head in disbelief, Peter chuckled, "I can't believe it. I don't see you for two years and we end up in the same dorm room!"

Remus laughed, inviting Peter into the room and removed the last of the boxes from the bed and onto the ground. The pair continued to talk, catching up from the two years apart. Remus's apologies for not keeping in contact were promptly dismissed as Peter was just pleased to rekindle the friendship, sharing funny stories and reminiscing over incidents from when they both worked at Simple Smoothie.

They talked about anything and everything, about why they were at uni - Peter was doing Food and Nutrition, and Remus was doing Journalism - and girlfriends (both were as single as they could be, as it turned out).

Remus learnt how Peter's mum and dad were still happily married, but had moved up to Scotland now that Peter had somewhat left home, ready to continue their lives together in a new small village. In turn, Remus explained how his mother still ran her cafe in the city centre and that his relationship with his dad was just as strained as two years prior. 

"You never did tell me why you and your dad fell out," Peter said, nudging Remus with his elbow in a way of encouraging him to talk.

_And with good fucking reason..._

Stiffening his back, Remus laughed tensely, pulling the sleeves of his sweater over his hands. "Well... It's a long story, but-"

Suddenly, Remus was interrupted by the slam of what he guessed was the main doors.

"Slow it, Pads!" A deep voice shouted into the dorms, muffled, laughing and not very serious, or caring much about this 'Pads' slowing down! Pushing up from the bed, Remus swung open his door and took a step out of the room. Briefly, his eyes met a boy stood at the end of the hallway by the dorm room entrance. He was fairly tall and stocky, muscles visible from under his tight t-shirt, with wild and messy brown hair and thick round glasses. Before Remus could open his mouth to speak to the boy - his presumed other roommate - pain seared through his chest and he was pushed back into the wall at the end of the hall. His back smacked against the plaster, shooting pain up his spine and his head collided with the wall. The air in his lung was forced out with a bellow.

"Fuck!" He grabbed the back of his head and bent over, winded and panting in shock. 

"Oh my god!" Another voice, not the one from the boy by the door, cried out. It wasn't as deep, but was hoarser and more panicked, and despite the agony coursing through his ribs and over his head, Remus liked the sound of it very much. "I'm so fucking sorry man! I should have stopped! Shit, Prongs, stop laughing!" He shouted over the wheezing from Remus and giggles from who he guessed was Prongs.

Remus stayed curled over, leaning on the wall and clutching at his chest, focusing on his breathing. He counted, inhaling for 4 and exhaling for 8. After a few moments, the pain - and the shock - began to die down, and with a roll of his shoulders, he stood up straight.

He found his breath suddenly knocked out of him again.

In front of him was another boy, significantly shorter than him (but not as short at Peter) with an unnerved look on his face. He was _gorgeous_. Glossy dark hair framed his face, falling in waves down to his shoulders. Long eyelashes drew attention to piercing grey eyes, darkened with concern, and his thin pale lips were downturned in a frown of distress.

Remus noticed he wore black skinny jeans and some punk band t-shirt, with a leather jacket, all looking wet as if something had been spilt. 

Only then did Remus realise how cold his front was, and tore his eyes from the beautiful stranger to look down at himself - his jumper was soaked, cold with crushed ice clinging to the fibres, and all he could smell was frankly vile coffee.

"Shit!" The man swore again, suddenly rubbing his hands all over Remus's chest in an attempt to wipe the iced coffee from his clothes. "I'm so sorry! If it stains I'll buy a new one!"

"It's fine!" Remus shouted, uncomfortable, "Just get off of me!" The boy finally looked up at him, stumbling back and straightening out his coffee-stained clothes.

"This is an awful introduction! The names Sirius Black!" He smiled, shoving his hand towards Remus for him to shake. Remus took his hand, shaking it, mostly disgusted at the feeling of the sticky cold coffee between their fingers.

"Remus Lupin." 

The other boy - Prongs - from the other end of the corridor abruptly bolted down to the pair, skidding to a stop next to Black.

"Did you just say Lupin??! Remus Lupin? As in, smoothie maker, photography dork, perfect grades, huge nerd Remus Lupin?!" He shouted, eyes sparkling as he grinned at Remus.

Suddenly it clicked, as Remus looked up and down at the man. _Stupid messy hair, gross outdated glasses, horribly obnoxious air around him and general lack of manners._

"James Potter, I presume?" Remus rasped, standing up straight and bringing his hands behind his back. He tried to ignore the feeling of Sirius staring at him, somewhat emotionlessly.

Potter winked, "The one and only!"

Remus gave a hum of discontent and narrowed his eyes at James, who was either none the wiser, or chose to ignore the glare.

"This," Remus gestured towards the figure in the doorway of his room who'd watched the fiasco occur, "Is an old friend of mine, Peter Pettigrew. We met while we worked at the cafe, which I no longer work at." He exaggeratedly pointed out to James.

"Sirius and I go way back!" He threw an arm over his friend and pulled him close, "Met when we were little kids, grew up together, finally in the same school for the first him ever! Pretty fucking cool, huh?!" 

Remus just responded with another uninterested hum.

"O-oh. Well, we actually got our stuff in our rooms earlier! We've just come back to grab some stuff before we go shopping! Sorry we didn't stick around to help you move in, we were dying for a coffee!"

"Not an issue." _You two would have probably dropped it all anyway._

James asked what the pair studied, and Peter promptly answered, sensing the strain radiating from Remus. Immediately, James broke into an excited exclamation of his subject, about how he was studying Sports Coaching and wanted to captain a football team or coach in the future. Remus knew all of this, anyway, but listened out of constrained politeness.

_"_ Can we make it up to you?" Sirius pleaded, finally breaking his silence and smiling uneasily at Remus, interrupting his friends rambling about football. "For not helping you unpack, charging into you, spilling coffee on you - oh god I really have made a horrible impression!" 

"Thanks for the offer," Sirius's face lit up at the proposition but dropped as Remus continued, "But I'd rather change out of this and continue to unpack."

"I can-"

"Alone, if you don't mind."

Sirius's face darkened all of a sudden, eyes narrowing as he lifted his chin, "You seem like a right dickhead, you know that? Look, man, I'm sorry, I apologized. Now, if you could pull your head out of your ass long enough to forgive me that would be fucking great." He snarled.

"I know enough about your friend here to know exactly what kind of person you're going to be, Black, and your introduction proved it. So my apologies if I'm not racing to join your clusterfuck of a friendship group. If you'll excuse me, I have a jumper to try and clean." Remus spat, walking into his room but leaving the door open as Peter followed a moment after.

"You good?" He challenged.

"Fine."

"You don't sound it..."

"You don't say!" Remus shouted, instantly softening as he saw Peter flinch at the roar, "Sorry, sorry, just... I know a lot about Potter and I don't like him. Don't mind me..." He shook his head exasperatedly.

Peter shuffled forwards, dropping his head, "So... you won't hate me if I go shopping with them? I have nothing, food-wise."

"Go for it, Wormy!" He giggled, and Peter's face brightened right away.

"Thanks, Rem! I'll grab some chocolate for you or something!" He chirped, spinning and heading out of the door again. "We're talking about that nickname when I get back through, Lupin!"

Keeping quiet; not even moving from his spot on his room; he listened in on the other three talking before they left.

"What the hell was his problem?" James grumbled.

"Don't worry guys, he means well! Honestly, Rem is an angel most of the time, too scared to ask for more ketchup and wouldn't hurt a fly..."

"Then why the fuck did he blow up at me?! I'm blaming you for this, Prongs!"

"What, why me!?"

"If it wasn't for you and that-"

The front door of the dorm slammed shut as they left.

Dropping his head into his hands, Remus groaned. He kept sighing and swearing over the whole curfuffle as he tugged his jumper over his head, cursing at the stain on his clothes and dried coffee all over his torso. At least he could try out the shared shower...

He grabbed his towel from where he hooked it on the back of his door, discarding the jumper to the ground until he came out, and quickly typed out a text on his phone.

**Guess who I met?**

He was quick in the shower, simply dampening his hair and washing off the coffee, eager to see if he had a reply. He rushed down the hall in his towel, grabbing his phone from the desk and launching himself onto the bed, grinning as he saw a notification.

_who x_

**The love of your life, Lily Evans! The love of your life!**

_istg if u mean potter >:( _

**I do. Turns out he is one of my dormmates, along with Peter from Simply Smoothie and one of Potters friends. Know anything about a Sirius Black?**

_i think he mentioned him a few times when he wasn't talking about himself! did he know who u were? im so sorry ur stuck with him rem!_

**Yeah, he knew who I was when I said my name. It's okay, but we all got off to a very bad start. New meds make me angry, apparently.**

_its potter, he deserved it probs!!! just finished unpacking, wanna get food and talk it over love? xx_

**That would be perfect, Lily. I'll call you when I'm ready. X**

Remus stayed laying on the bed for the moment, wondering if it was worth waiting until the others came back and apologizing to Sirius.

No, he wasn't going to. Sirius blew up at him first, Remus was justifiably angry and still refrained from shouting or insulting until Black started it! Even if his medication made him irritable, he had every right to be annoyed! He wouldn't apologise, not until the day he died! James Potter seemed like a royal pain in the arse and Sirius Black was just as fucking bad!

_He was pretty, though..._

He made a mental note to see if hallucinations, delirium and general stupidity were also side effects he could experience.

Half an hour before, Remus was buzzing, excited for new adventures and studies at University! Now, as he thought back to dark locks and long curled eyelashes, he knew it was going to be a _very_ long year indeed...


	2. Nicotine Showers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH boy I enjoyed writing this! I lovelovelove angry scenes!
> 
> Wanna make something clear: I won't be writing any smut in this /at all/ and want to try and keep the rating at mature! I have friends who read this and I don't wanna put anyone off (if I write any, it'll be put in a separate one-shot!)  
> That being said - Sirius and Remus's relationship, especially in the beginning, is heavily based around hatred and sexual tension, and I'll be hinting heavily at sexual activities, have a lot of innuendos and likely some very steamy make-out sessions to really emphasis the basis of their 'friendship'!
> 
> Hope this is all good with everyone! <3

Sirius

Rolling the filter between his fingers and savouring the taste of tobacco on his tongue and down his throat, Sirius sighed with relief.

"Two weeks over with," He smirked at James, who rolled his eyes and stuck his hands in his pockets.

"Can't believe you still smoke them things," His voice dripped with disgust, "I thought it was just to get back at your mum and you'd stop when you moved in with me!"

"Three years on and here I am, Prongs my boy! Now shift it, I want Chinese!" 

The two moved their way through campus, travelling from the main university building to the street to head back to the dorms. They pushed through the crowds of students to get to the main road. Sirius was thankful that James was not only taller but better built, and hid behind him, letting his friend charge through with chuckled declarations of 'Excuse me! Coming through! Short angry punk just trying to get through, thank you!'

Even after so long, Sirius couldn't feel angry at James's funny cries at the crowd, even laughing along at other times. He was reminded of the first time James had shouted it; when they went to their first concert at 14 to see The Front Bottoms.

He had his first cigarette at that concert, too, begging one of the older teens for one, choking on his first drag and smoking it fast to rush back into the venue after the opening act. Sirius wasn't sure why he smoked anymore either - James was right, he did only do it to spite his mother and had intended to quit. But when James's own dad had himself a good old nicotine addiction, too, Sirius couldn't pass up the chance to sit with him on the balcony and talk. Being away from Euphemia and Fleamont while at uni was the hardest thing so far (obviously James would be struggling the most, but they meant a hell of a lot to Sirius, too). 

He took in the last drag, down to the filter, and dropped the end before crushing it under his boots.

"Light of my life!" James shouted, suddenly speeding up, and Sirius struggled to catch up with his short legs and heavy shoes. He looked ahead to see a flash of ginger hair and fury burning behind green eyes. Lily moved to the side of the pavement as an older couple walked past, but still stopped as James rushed to her.  _ Time to watch James make a fool of himself, I guess... _

"Stay away from me, Potter!" Lily spat, grimacing at James. If she wasn't holding multiple bags of grocery shopping, Sirius thought she'd fold her arms and cock her hip out dramatically as James always described her doing. 

Sirius had heard enough about Lily over the years that people wouldn't have thought he'd gone to a totally different school and not even met the girl. He'd suffered through many drunk declarations of love - first over the phone and then in person when Sirius moved into his at 16, when they'd drink Fleamont's hidden vodka stash from the bottle on the floor of James bedroom.

She seemed like a bitch, but Sirius could understand what James saw in her.

"You wound me, dear! Let me take you for a drink, I wanna apologise for whatever I did to upset you," He smiled with bright eyes.

"I wouldn't go for a drink with you if you were the last man alive!"

"Sorry about him, How are you, Evans? I don't believe we've actually met!" Sirius tried to stay polite, grinning at the girl, who promptly spun and glared. 

"Don't act like you're any better, Black!" 

"What have I done?!"

Her eyes narrowed further and face turned red, exasperated. "You treat Remus like shit! Oh, don't look so shocked, of course I know!"

"I haven't done a thing to him," His voice stilled, grave. "I apologised, I didn't mean to spill-"

Dropping the bags to the floor, Lily groaned and threw her hands up in exhaustion.

"Shut up about that fucking coffee! It's more than the damn coffee!"

"I haven't-"

"Everything, Black! Everything! You know he's Vegetarian, and yet you never order anything meat-free for him, you take his food, you blast your shitty fucking music at stupid hours of the night and then do nothing but insult him and shoot him dirty looks all day! You pass him on campus and you  _ still _ look at him like he's the scum of the earth! Don't deny it, I've seen it!"

Sirius froze, head falling as some strange feeling of shame washed over him, until James spoke what he was thinking.

"Come on, Lils, it's not like Lupin is perfect either! I mean, he's fussy about everything, he cleans all the time, and he's just... well- He's boring! All he does is study! He knew Peter before uni and yet he spends more time with us than him!"

"Maybe get to know the guy, and you'll like him! Put some effort into the people you fucking live with, rather than chasing after me all the fucking time!" She seethed, picking up her bags. In an unusually graceful movement for someone so frustrated, she flipped her hair and stormed off past them in the direction she'd been heading, muttering about 'bloody boys' and 'growing the hell up'.

_ Maybe get to know the guy...  _ It wasn't horrible advice.

The opposite, really. It was very good advice. Sirius wanted nothing more.

Remus was stunning, with brown curls dropping in front of his eyes and lip caught between his teeth when he cooked, of course he wanted to talk to him! And something about his unassuming sweaters and checkered Vans that were falling apart seemed mysterious - Sirius was itching to get to know him.

But he couldn't seem to help it, he bubbled with anger every time he saw him, annoyed at his very existence. He looked at Sirius the same way Sirius looked at him - with rage.

Sirius could never quite decide if he wanted to punch the stupid look off of his face, or snog it off instead.

"Oh come on, Padfoot! You aren't trying to tell me you actually feel bad for how you treat the pathetic twat, are you?" James huffed, shaking his head in disbelief. Sirius, confused, tilted his head. "Don't look at me like that mate, you have that guilty look on your face. You feel bad." 

"Let's just go," Sirius said, walking in a steady pace down the road as James caught up to him, smirking with his hands still in his pockets.

They stayed silent for a bit, and Sirius thought back to Lupin, stupid tall Lupin with his large clumsy hands, messy caramel hair, pretty freckles over the bridge of his nose, plump red lips and-

"Either that, or you wanna shag him." James teased after a moment.

Sirius didn't bother to correct him.

Eventually, they made it up to the blocks, trekking up the flights of stairs and stopping in front of the dorm door, and stayed in a peaceful silence (peaceful for James, but horrifyingly uncomfortable and contemplative for Sirius) until James began to put the key into the lock. 

"We aren't talking about it, then?" James smirked again, looking down to Sirius just quick enough to see the antagonized eye roll before Sirius pushed past him, opening the door and assailing into the hallway.

Turning into the first door on his right, Sirius walking into the kitchen. It was dark, dingy, and exactly what you'd expect for £90 a week - but it was good enough for sitting in and eating takeaway.

Peter was sat at the table to the right of the room, open textbooks in front of him as he skimmed over the page. The light seemed to have left his eyes and he rested his head in his hands, as though it was too much of an effort to keep his head up.

"It's barely been two weeks and you already look like you wanna off yourself. What are you reading over?" Sirius smiled smugly, noticing how Peter didn't even flinch or look up at the sound of Sirius's voice. 

"How the body burns calories. I just wanna cook! Do you mind if I cook dinner tomorrow? I'm kinda craving stir fry, or maybe some sort of pasta dish?"

James shoved past Sirius and took the seat next to Peter. "Sounds good with me as long as we still get Chinese tonight! Sirius hasn't shut up about bloody chow mein all day!" Peter smiled brightly, slamming his book shut and reaching onto the counter behind him. Grabbing at nothing for a few moments, he caught a grip on a leaflet, before tossing the paper onto the table in front of him.

"So, what are we having lads?!"

Sirius took the seat opposite Peter, flicking open the local 'Kims Kitchen' menu and skimming over the options. They decided to just order in a whole feast of food to share, including Hong-Kong-style sweet and sour chicken, as requested by Peter, and Char Sui Chow Mein for Sirius.

"Oh," Sirius lifted his head as Peter closed the menu and James got out his phone ready to place the order, "Get a Schezwan Mixed Veg for Re- Lupin." He huffed, trying to sound uninterested.

"Trying to impress him?" James winked.

"Sod off. Maybe if we give him some decent fucking food he'll pull the stick from his ass and act nice now." 

James only laughed, but didn't correct his friend or insinuate anything else - not while Peter was there. Peter, who seemed to look rather smug himself, shook his head and chuckled at Sirius. Instantly, Sirius regretted trying to be nice for once. In hopes of taking the attention off of himself in his unusual act of kindness (that was definitely not kindness), he walked over to the fridge, opening it and pulling out three beers and carried them back to the table.

The food arrived fairly fast after James called and ordered, and they only had to wait 20 minutes until they heard a call on the intercom summoning one of them to hike back down the stairs to collect the takeaway. Valiantly, James offered to run down, and came back up a minute or so later with a massive white carrier bag, dragging the gorgeous smell of fried chicken and Chinese spices through the hallway and into the kitchen. Sirius couldn't help but hope that Remus would be a little annoyed at the smell of meat in the apartment. 

Peter and James unpacked the food, mouths watering, while Sirius grabbed plates - paper, of course, who would bother washing up after a feast like this - and cutlery, which was plastic for the same reason! They tossed the packaging onto the side counter, electing to take it down to the campus recycling bins later on, although it was more likely that it would remain until the morning unless Lupin took it out. All three of them piled their plates high with chicken balls and prawn satay, ready to eat as James called for a toast ('To surviving two weeks of hell, here's to the next 38!' He had cheered, laughing at the exasperated look on Peters face when he heard that dreaded number). They tapped their cans together, taking a fast and hearty swig of the alcohol and tucking into the food laid before them!

Sirius took the Schezwan Mixed Vegetables and placed it on the side counter so no-one else would help themselves to it. James gave him an unfamiliar look as he did so, one Sirius had never seen before in the 15 years of friendship, and he chose to ignore it.

"Tho, I'th been sthinin a'out ha'oween!" Peter attempted to affirm as he shovelled a fork full of rice into his mouth.

"Mind repeating that?" James laughed before taking a large bite of prawn toast and chewing happily. The deep gulp from Peters's throat seemed to echo around the kitchen, and Sirius couldn't help but cringe - mouth sounds were one of those things he couldn't stand and he could imagine his mothers outrage at hearing the swallow. 

"So," Peter began again with an empty mouth, "I've been thinking about Halloween! I think we should throw a party here! Invite anyone we know, get pissed, maybe some weed of people are down for that, have a proper good time!"

James face lit up, and he smacked his knee in excitement, "Brilliant, Pete! We need to, for sure! Man, I hope Lily comes along!"

"If she's as close to Remus as you say she is, I'm sure she will." Sirius shrugged.

"Fuck! I forgot about him! Will Lacklustre Lupin let us? Or will he just be pissy about it?"

As though on cue, Remus walked into the kitchen, staring at his phone and heading to the fridge. He looked a bizarre mix of just zoned out in his own little world, and purposely ignoring the three sat at the kitchen table. He didn't look up from the screen and seemed content on not acknowledging any of them - not even Peter. Peter didn't seem concerned or affected in any way, satisfied to just keep munching on the food in front of him.

"Oi! Lupin? Mind if we have a part here on Halloween?"

Sirius could barely register James speaking over the short-circuiting in his mind, or the quiet sound of his plastic fork falling onto the table. Lupin - boring little Lupin who he'd only ever seen in beige sweaters and jeans that were so skinny they should be banned - had walked in wearing only a towel hanging low on his hips, another draped around the back of his neck catching the water trailing down the pale span of his neck, curving along the muscles. His hair fell further in front of his eyes than normal, weighed down by the water and more like waves than the normal scruffy curls. His legs,  _ oh heaven, his legs, _ seemed impossibly long, as pale as the rest of him, making the dark hairs stand out against his skin, and Sirius just couldn't tear his eyes away. How could a man walk around looking like sex and not expect to be eyed up?! Was he even aware of how fucking perfect he looked? Sirius damn hoped he did.

"Whatever." He heard Remus huff as he pulled open the fridge, and a brief look of disappointment fleeted over his face, and he closed it without grabbing anything. "It's not like you'd listen to me anyway. I'll chip in for drinks unless you don't want me around?"

Sirius chose to ignore the last point, refusing to admit that he  _ really did  _ want him there, and finally looked away, focusing on the food on his plate that was slowly going cold. He picked up his fork again and pushed the rice and noodles around his plate, disinterested. "Ordered you food, by the way. To your left. Don't worry, it's veggie."

Tugging off the lid of the plastic container, Remus's face brightened, watching as the steam left the food. He smiled - a beautiful, small smile Sirius almost begged for Remus to direct at him, and parted his lips happily. Almost instantly, however, as though a switch in his mind had been flicked, he spun around, narrowing his eyes at Sirius and darkening his face into a frown.

"What are you after, Black?" He groused. Sirius stood up fast, pushing his chair back and storming over to Remus and raising his head to match his glare.

"What the fuck are you on about, Lupin?"

"You never order me food, not food I can eat anyway. You want something."

"Can you calm the fuck down for a moment?!" Sirius snarled, bearing his teeth like a dog. He lifted his hand and pushed the heel of his palm into Remus's chest, pushing him backwards until the back of his thighs hit the counter behind him. "Can't I do something nice for fucking once? You do nothing but complain that we treat you like crap, I try and do something for you and you throw it back in my face! What the actual fuck is your problem, Lupin?! Are you that fucking deranged?" Sirius continued to sneer, curling his lips in an amused scowl.

"You're my fucking problem! You're just a cunt, Black!" Remus grabbed Sirius's wrist, pulling his hand off of his chest and pushing him away, fuming. Sirius was almost shocked you couldn't see steam pouring out of his ears, and thought Peter and James, who watched on silently, would agree. "You're just a total prick and I can't stand being around you! So just stay out of my fucking way and leave me be!" He spat back, turning and storming out of the kitchen and slamming the door as he left. The plastic tub of food stayed open on the counter, abandoned.

Sirius curled his fists, digging his nails into the palm of his hands, no doubt leaving little half-crescent moon indents in his flesh. 

The kitchen stayed silent in a tense air, other than the sound of Sirius's angry breaths, and the other's could hear Remus talking on the phone just outside of the closed kitchen door.

"Lily! I'm sorry to call like this, but would the girls mind if I came over for a bit? ...That's amazing! Thanks! Give me a moment to get ready and grab that book for Marlene she was asking about. ...Yes, of course it's Black! It's always Black! I'm sick of seeing his stupid arrogant face and need to leave before I fucking hit him! No, I don't-" His rant was cut off as he slammed his bedroom door in the same manner as he had in the kitchen. Sirius had to take a deep breath before he charged in there and hit him first.

As James stood up, taking his shoulder and guiding him to the table to sit back down, Sirius could honestly only think of one thing.

He  _ really _ wanted to pin Lupin to that counter and make out with him there and then.

_ Fuck. _


	3. You Can't Drown Self-Hatred In Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Mentions of internalized homophobia, but our boy is working through it <3)
> 
> A whole chapter dedicated to Lily and Rem being cuties?? Yes please!

Remus

"Wait wait wait!" Remus shook his head, raising his arms in disbelief, "You're telling me _that's_ why Potter knows so much about me?!"

Lily laughed, taking a sip of her latte and holding it tight. Slightly nodding, she spluttered, "Yup! I hoped that if I talked about you enough that he'd get the hint and stop hitting on me!"

"So you told him we were dating!?"

"No!" Lily's face went bright red, "I wouldn't do that! Especially after you came out! I just may have suggested I had a sort of small, kind of very big crush on you..?"

It made sense, of course! Remus knew about James's non-stop harassment of Lily throughout senior school and then Sixth Form, and as difficult and odd it was to imagine dating Lily or her having a crush on him, he was just glad he could provide a way out.

Or, try to provide a way out.

"Never worked though, did it?" He snickered as Lily let her head fall to the table in defeat.

"Of course not! He doesn't leave me alone, Rem! Ever! You know what's worse?" Remus gave a questioning hum. Lily looked up, pleading and desperate. "He's really good looking! And I bet he's a lovely guy! But he's just too... too..."

"Eager?"

" _Yes_! Far too eager!"

Remus couldn't help but laugh, rather loud and echoing around the room. A flash of panic flooded through him and he snapped his mouth shut, eyes darting around to see if anyone was looking at them.

No one was, of course. No one ever was.

"Chill, you're all good," Lily smiled sadly, before leaning forwards and grinning, "How's Black been the last week?"

Now was Remus's turn to let his head sink in frustration, letting out a deep sigh and dropping his shoulders, forgetting his previous worry momentarily. 

Remus wondered when these little trips to the cafe became a vent session. The Coffee Club seemed too beautiful of a place to sit in to complain, decorated with silver birch wood tables and chairs, plants on every table and swinging from the ceiling in Macrame and Fishbowl Hangers. All the mugs were beautifully mismatched, along with the cushions on the couches and bohemian tapestries draped on the walls. Soft indie played in the background amongst the chatter of the customers. The whole cafe felt sprightly and whimsical, exactly like the owner, bunched into a small shop on the corner of the street, out of place for the bright bustling city surrounding it.

Remus didn't want to taint this hidden treasure and its serene vibes, but he couldn't help it.

"God awful! I shouldn't have kicked off about the food, Lils, he's been worse than normal?"

"I agree, a slight overreaction, love," Raising her hands in innocence, she let out a humourless breath and looked mischievous as Remus glared at her halfheartedly, "But you have your reasons! What's he done now?"

"Well..." Remus delved into a recount of the past week, "The next morning, that Saturday, I was woken up at 6 am to stupid bass music blasting through the walls - why did his room have to be next to mine?! That night, stole the last of them biscuits mum made me. Sunday, woke up stupid early _again_ and then kept me up until 2 am." He took in a deep sharp breath, "Thankfully didn't see him Monday, he was out all evening doing whatever the hell he does on Mondays, so I could study between classes in peace. He was fine Tuesday, but Wednesday the music was back, he made a point not to order food in for me - my own fault, yes I know Lily - and Thursday was the same. Last night was horrific! I came back after that late lecture - that cultural journalism one - so see him smoking in the kitchen!"

"But you smoke?"

"Yes, but not in the apartment! That's ridiculous!"

"Rem..." Lily faltered, looking directly at Remus with widened eyes, dark and accusing, "I love you to bits, you're the best thing that happened to me, you know?"

"I can sense a but..."

There was always a 'but' with Lily. Lily was just as perfect as the day Remus had met her, and while he was no less than grateful for her saying it as it is - calling him out on his bullshit more times than he could count - that was the last thing he needed today.

Maybe it was just because he already knew what was coming...

"You have to admit it's all a little pathetic-" She raised her hand as Remus opened his mouth to talk, "I'm not justifying how he's acting, but I'm not justifying you either, Remus. It's petty high school arguments! I know you don't like Potter because of how he treats me, but you don't need to act like a dick to Sirius."

"But you don't like him either?"

Lily gave a small snort before biting her lip, the corners of her mouth quivering as she tried to hide her smile. She looked down in some display of uncertainty.

"Well, yes, but that's because anyone who's friends with Potter is instantly a bad judge of character!"

The pair chuckled for a moment, pausing to take a sip of their drinks. Even as Remus tipped his head back to finish the dregs of his Cinnamon Mocha, his mind flittered back to Sirius in the kitchen, pushing him against the counter and shouting at him.

_Are you that fucking deranged?_

Remus couldn't help but find that funny.

"I can't help it! I don't know why, but he just gets under my skin! I think it's just the new Duloxetine. It's been giving me migraines too, now."

"You know..." Lily began, pushing her now empty mug to the side and resting her elbows on the table, "I don't think it's anything to do with your meds." Remus gave a confused sound, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes ever so slightly. "Hear me out, okay! So you came out to me, what, a year ago?"

Remus nodded.

"And how many guys have you had a crush on. Not just since you told me, but ever."

Remus lifted his hand, about to list the names in his head and count on his fingers. His mind came blank, providing no answers (and no, finding the Prewett Twins cute in year 3 did not count). Lily knew the answer, of course. His hand became a fist, curling his fingers tight and dropping his arm back down to the table.

"None, if you want to be technical about it," Remus said flatly.

"Exactly! And now look! You start university, finally out to more than just yourself, even if it's just me and your parents, and you get stuck with a really fit roommate!"

"He's not-"

"Yes, he is, Rem! You know he is! You never shut up about his hair or face, you go red whenever I call him good looking - look, you're blushing now! - and you don't know how to deal with it!"

Remus scowled, "What the hell are you insinuating, lily?"

"You have a crush on him!"

Remus placed a hand on his knee, feeling his leg bouncing up and down, shaking the table. He didn't meet Lily's eyes, mortified at the proposition. As he stayed silent, Lily continued.

"Remember I told you about year 7? James basically bullied me, didn't he? That's why you hate him. He bullied me because he didn't know how to deal with the fact that he thought I was pretty! I'm not excusing his actions, but I know why he did it! You're acting the same as when little boys pull little girls pigtails on the playground, Rem!"

Squeezing his leg tighter, Remus looked up at Lily, who looked both smug and exasperated, hoping her point had finally been drilled into him.

He huffed, folding his arms over his chest and leaning back in his seat, "I do not have a crush on Sirius Black."

"Yes you do, honey!" A voice from behind called, soft and teasing. Remus spun his head around to see his mother stood only a few paces away, and she strode over to run her hands through his hair.

"Heya, Mum! You alright? Someone else at the register?"

Remus's mum - Hope - was the embodiment of the cafe she ran, with frizzy brown hair tied back with a rainbow scrunchie and beaded bracelets all up her arms. She wore just a white shirt and jeans, mostly covered by a garish patchwork apron she wore for work. It was clear Remus took after her, from the same caramel-coloured locks to the soft brown eyes they shared, and even as she got on in years, she remained as beautiful as she had been in her youth.

"I'm well my love, are you two kids okay? Liz is behind the counter for the moment so I can come and sit with you for a little while!" Hope took a seat next to her son, giving him a brief sideways hug before smiling at Lily.

"Hi, Miss Howell!" Lily beamed.

"You've been Remy's friend for two years now Lily, you know you can call me Hope, love! So, what was this about Sirius you were on about then?" Remus's mum smiled, fabricating innocence and turning to her son. She and Lily had the same coy and jeering look on their faces, with gleaming eyes and lips curled in a smirk. Remus pondered for a moment if introducing the two of them was the worst thing he ever did. He could barely deal with the mischief separately, let along having them both in the same room! He dropped his forehead down, pressing his face into the table, sighing.

"I don't have a crush on him!"

"You keep telling yourself that, baby..." Hope quipped, placing her hand on Remus's nape and rubbing her thumb back and forth in comfort.

"...I just think he's pretty..." He mumbled into the table, relaxing his shoulders.

"And that's okay!"

Remus lifted his head from the table but stayed slouched, ignoring Lily's soft gaze on the pair and looking just at his mum.

"You need to stop feeling guilty for being attracted to boys, love, and not take it out on this poor lad you're living with! I know he hasn't been all that nice to you either, but you two could do with a fresh start! Lily and I both love for who you are, and you being gay is part of that, honey! Stop beating yourself up over it and let yourself _feel_ for once. You deserve to be happy, Remus, but you can't be happy unless _you_ accept yourself for who you are, okay?"

Suddenly, the grain of the wood on the table captured Remus's attention, finding it easier to look at than his mother or best friend. They were both right, of course. Sirius was pretty, and he hated himself for thinking that. Not because it was Sirius, exactly. He hadn't ever really been mad at him - sure, his favourite jumper was still stained from the coffee, and he was a little upset that he kept him up with his music - but he'd never been angry. Well, he was angry at himself, really.

His finger traced over one of the lines on the table lightly, before he finally plucked up the courage to look up.

"Yeah... I know. I'll speak to him soon. I swear. But it isn't a crush, he's just hot. Hey- there's that Halloween party a week today, right? I'll speak to him then!"

"What, when you're pissed?" Lily scoffed.

"Liquid courage?"

The conversation quickly turned from Sirius to other topics, mainly the upcoming party, and Remus was grateful to forget about his dormmate for the time being. He managed to convince Lily to come along with the help of his mum - who could be very persuasive when she wanted to be - and they both decided to grab alcohol when they went for their weekly shop. Remembering the shopping, and seeing how time had gone faster than any of them realised, Lily and Remus said their goodbyes, giving Hope massive hugs and promises to be back the same time next week - as they always were!

They found themselves at the local ASDA, parading up and down the isles in search of everything on their shopping lists. Lily stocked up on the ready meals she was no less than addicted to, and Remus just grabbed more pasta and jarred sauces (as well as an ungodly amount of Super Noodles for emergencies).

Remus had hoped that after the conversation with his mum, he'd be able to put Sirius to the back of his mind. But the same as the past three weeks, he was unable to do so.

"Lils?"

"Hmm?" Lily reached up to try and grab some rice from the top shelf, struggling until Remus reached over, picking up the packet and passing it to her.

"You said before about James mentioning Sirius. Do you remember any of it?"

"Ooh, first name terms, now?" She teased, gripping the handle of the trolley and pushing it. "Not much - I mean he never said much, or I ignored him, not that I don't remember. They met as little kids, I think? I think they've lived together since they were 16, but I'm not sure. Sirius never came to Grandview with James or Garden Grove with you, so I don't know where he went. That's about it, really! I never paid attention to anything else."

"You know what he studies?"

"Nope."

Sirius seemed to become more of a mystery the more he knew about him. There weren't many schools in the area, other than Oakleaf School of Fine Arts that Alice and Frank, his childhood friends, went to and Northridge where all of Lily's dormmates attended. None of them knew Sirius, other than from Uni and through Remus, so there was nowhere else he could have gone. _Strange_.

"Oh, Dorcas messaged me, said something about how her and Mary were out of makeup wipes and wondered if you could get some!" Remus remembered as he thought back to Lily's roommates briefly! He was thankful for Dorcas, Marlene and Mary for being so welcoming and letting him find haven in their dorm when he was getting too stressed staying in his own apartment. He was sick and tired of the undeniably sexual tension between Marlene and Dorcas, of course, but they were lovely to talk to and Mary was so sweet! He made a mental note to introduce Mary and Peter at the Halloween party - they'd get along great!

"Fucks sake!" Lily cursed, pushing the cart harder than before, but laughing nonetheless, "That means mine and Marls wipes are out because they never buy their own!" They stopped at isle 6 to grab multiple packets of makeup remover, cheap stuff because of Dorcas's habit of using them to wipe the ink off of her hand after lectures (Remus had always wondered how that one girl ended up with ink everywhere during his classes, until he met her at Lily's dorms for the first time and realised she was just a _very_ messy person)! They grabbed a few other bits, stocking up on cleaning supplies before dashing to isle 20 in search of drinks for the following weekend. 

"What are you getting?"

"Uhh... Absolut? Maybe some Smirnoff Ice for the lightweights?" Lily smirked petulantly, side glancing at Remus who felt the heat rush to his face.

"Lily! That was one time! Now, what should I get?"

He settled on the same as Lily, a bottle of vodka, but took some orange juice to mix with it - he'd get messy fast if he had it in shots. They headed to the checkouts, rushing through and itching to get home, until they were sat in Lily's car, shopping loaded into the boot. Remus grabbed them both a slushie from the tobacco kiosk before they left the supermarket, and they both sat in the car slurping on the drinks.

Remus looked over to Lily, long hair pulled into a hair tie and lips curled around the straw, smiling and swaying along to the Spacey Jane album in the background.

"What?" Lily bubbled, and Remus realised he'd been staring.

"Nothing, nothing! It's just- I love you, you know that, don't you?"

"Of course I do, Rem! I love you too! What's bought this on?"

Huffing, Remus rolled his shoulders back and shifted his body awkwardly.

"I don't mean to hate myself, you get that? I don't want to upset you and mum or hate how I feel towards boys - and Sirius, apparently - and-"

"Hey," Lily placed her slushie on the dashboard, turning to take Remus's drink from his own hands and putting it next to hers. She took his cold hands in her own and looked into his eyes.

"You don't hate yourself, not anymore, you're just getting used to being happy with how you feel, okay! And that's normal. Internalized Homophobia is a thing and it doesn't go away just because you came out to me and your mum. You spent years hating yourself because you were gay and it isn't a quick fix! But we love you all the same, just like Hope said, and we'll help you as much as we can until you love yourself as much as we do!"

Remus felt tears spring to his eyes and he tried desperately to blink them back, smiling at Lily.

"Thank you, Lily. I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"Come on, Soppy, let's go back to campus. Staying with me and the girls for tea?"

"Mhm!"

For a moment, Remus was genuinely happy, hoping this was a step in the right direction and he could stop acting like a total dickhead around Sirius.


	4. Idealistic Inebriation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well  
> this was a rollercoaster to write
> 
> I loved it a lot, then hated it and almost deleted it, and I'm still kinda impartial but oH well I'm desperate to write the next two chapters! :)
> 
> Hope you enjoy????

Sirius

Fishnets clung to his thighs and the silk black leotard cinched at his waist, standing out against the pale flesh of his arms and legs. One hand brushed over the white lace collar on his neck while the other skimmed over the top of the leather boots that finished just above his knee. His arms were covered in thin, loose white mesh sleeves, and his hair pulled back into a low ponytail. As he pulled on the pirate hat, he cast himself another look in the full-length mirror.

Sirius looked hot, and he damn well knew it.

In the mirror, Sirius could see his bedroom door open, and James peered his head into his room. He could hear the chatter and music coming from the communal dorm space, but was more distracted by the deer antlers on top of Prongs' head.

"Actaeon," James clarified with a grin, unprompted, other than by the confusion slapped on his friends face. "Uh, Pads?"

"Hmm?" Sirius hummed almost dismissively, checking himself out in the mirror, pulling the bodysuit higher to show off more of his thighs and hips.

"Is, uh... Is- Will your brother be coming tonight?"

Finally, Sirius looked up, catching James's eye in the reflection and noticing the stolid look on his face.

"Calm down, James. No. He didn't think it was appropriate considering and this isn't really his scene, is it? Don't worry" He smiled seeing the tension drop from his friend's shoulders.

"Okay, cool! Come on, people are already here and we are both  _ way  _ too sober! Stop checking yourself out!"

"I'm not the only one checking me out!" Sirius spun around, winking at James. He pushed past him into the hallway, "Be more discrete next time you stare at my arse, mate!" He laughed, not bothering to look back to see the red, slack-jawed expression and wide eyes.

James hadn't been joking - the flow of people from the front door was already moving through the apartment, filling the living space and kitchen, and moving through the crowd required nudging with broad shoulders and sharp elbows. Sirius was suddenly grateful for the platform boots he chose to wear, giving him the extra 5 inches he needed to be at almost eye level with most people. Pushing his way into the kitchen, he headed to the fridge, pulling out a beer, tugging on the metal ring tab to open it.

He was planning on using this night to get as shitfaced as possible and forget the past week. Saying it had been hell was an understatement; he'd had more lectures than he could keep track of, Regulus and his mother were driving him up the damn wall and Lupin... Lupin was just infuriating. 

It was clear he and Remus didn't get along - their interactions consisted of sharp words and rude gestures, a few insults and maybe a shove here and there. They wouldn't seek each other out, but they wouldn't avoid one another either. Except, the past week, he'd barely even seen him twice, and when he did, Remus shot him a glare, before looking to the ground and walking off. Sirius was pissed. He used Lupin to let out his stress and anger. If he couldn't do that, he'd have to drink instead.

"Black." 

Sirius spun around, face to face with the same fiery green eyes he hadn't seen for over two weeks now.

"Evans! Care for a drink?" He smiled. He didn't exactly have an issue with the girl, even if she'd shouted at him for no damn reason in the middle of the streets. The least he could do was act like a gracious host.

"Got one, thanks," She lifted her hand to show an open can, "Sexy pirate, huh?"

"That I am! What are you?"

Lily was wearing a white sheet tunic and thick leather belt. A cobalt cape draped over her shoulders and she had a fake bow and arrows set on her back.

"Artemis!" She beamed, proud of her costume choice - and perhaps already slightly drunk to be smiling at Sirius as she was.

_ Oh god... _

"The irony..." Sirius laughed, "Prongs - James - is here as Actaeon!" He clarified as Lily hummed in confusion. Her face dropped, tight and sour, but as she rolled her eyes, the ends of her lips twitched in a tiny smile.

"What a coincidence. Well, I'm not here for Potter. Speaking of, have you seen Remus anywhere?"

_ Dickhead. _

Sirius hadn't, as a matter of fact - not that he'd been seeking him out of course. 

Okay, so perhaps he had been seeking him out. Of course he was! Remus had done nothing but ignore him for a week and Sirius was itching for a fight. 

That was all.

"Lupin? No, I haven't. Check his room? Last door on the left," He pointed over to the hallway leading to the bedrooms and bathroom, giving Lily a brief send-off before her adventure, shoving through the crowds and keeping an eye out for her friend.

The party continued in full swing, and Sirius moved around everyone to show off his costume and savour the people looking him up and down! He found himself in a pleasant conversation with Peter and the girl he was with - Mary, he remembered her name to be - and they were sat awfully close. Pete had gone dressed as Peter Pan, and Mary coincidentally as Wendy! The two talked about how they were in the same class together, never speaking until they met in the living room just an hour or so before. Peter, still smug at suggesting the party, took all the credit for the whole thing, which Sirius was happy to let him take. He was too distracted anyway.

Sirius could feel someone staring at him, and turned to his left to meet amber eyes and messy brown hair.

Lupin looked no less than delectable.

He had teal harem trousers on, and a white sheet around the back of his neck and draping over his shoulders, crossing over on his chest. Large hands gripped at a golden painted trident, matching the fabric belt around his bare waist. A coral crown sat on top of thick curly locks, and he looked simply gorgeous.

The way he was staring at Sirius would be the death of him. Narrowed eyes, biting his lip and not looking away, even as Sirius returned the look. He couldn't tell how Remus was staring at him, but he was damn sure it wasn't with malice.

He was sat on the living room sofa, Lily leaning into him chattering away, unaware that he wasn't paying her any attention. Lupin was paying her as much attention as Sirius was paying Peter and Mary.

None.

He tried to endure the staring for a little longer, turning his attention back to the pair, who were now gazing into the eyes of each other far too romantically for two people who'd just met. Sirius found himself squirming, getting hot as Remus refused to look away, and he couldn't bear it anymore. This was ridiculous! He was Sirius Black for god's sake! He was used to being stared at, able to get anyone he wanted in this room if he tried just enough, and yet he was here, shaking, gnawing on the inside of his cheek as his unbelievably boring - but extremely good looking - roommate watched him from across the room.

Eventually, Sirius had to excuse himself, heading for the kitchen on trembling legs after more alcohol. The kitchen was near enough empty, other than someone Sirius couldn't name passed out at the dining table and now himself. He pinned the heat rushing to his face on his inebriation, and hoped that more drinks would help him take his mind off of Lupin's uncovered chest and lip caught between his teeth that he wanted nothing more than to punch. Or maybe suck and nip on himself.

He was  _ far  _ too gone.

He grabbed a bottle of vodka from the counter that he vaguely remembered a couple named Frank and Alice bringing, and grabbed two shot glasses (already used, but he couldn't care at this point). He felt eyes staring at him again, scanning all over his body and he felt himself quiver again. Sirius didn't bother to turn around - he knew exactly who it was - and just proceeded to pour the alcohol into the glasses, spilling a little on the already sticky counter.

Without warning, a hand reached over his shoulder, grabbing one of the shots. Sirius turned around to find Remus towering over him, now holding the drink instead of the trident. Tilting his head back, Remus tossed back the vodka, and Sirius tried to pretend he wasn't staring at the movement of Lupin's pale throat as he swallowed, or the tiny drop of clear liquid trailing from the corner of his chewed lips, down his chin and curving along his jaw. It took everything he had not to reach up and get rid of it, either with his thumb or his tongue.

"Your costume's all wrong." Sirius finally mustered up the courage to say, praying his voice didn't shake. Judging by the smug look on Remus's face, he presumed it had. "Poseidon, right? He was old! Should have worn a fake white beard or something." He mumbled, unable to meet Lupin's eyes.

"You know," Lupin began, putting his hand on the overhead cupboard above Sirius, effectively pinning him between the counter and his body, "Poseidon had a habit of enacting revenge on those that insulted him..." He hummed, pleased with himself, staring at Sirius's lips.

Dizziness overtook Sirius, and he wasn't quite sure if it was from the way Remus scaled over him, from how he gazed at his lips or how heat rushed to his face quicker than he could bear. 

He was no longer blaming the alcohol, though.

Lupin continued, just as self-righteous.

"Anyway, you can't criticise my costume, Black. You're barely wearing anything-" His hand trailed up Sirius's thigh, nails catching on the fibres of the fishnet tights, and Sirius was begging in his head that he'd never stop - never take his hands off of him again.

He hated Remus, couldn't stand the sight of him, and wanted nothing more than to keep his eyes on him forever.

"-Parading around here like a slut." Remus finished, placing his hand on Sirius's hip. Sirius smirked, new-found confidence at the opening Lupin left himself.

"This coming from the one person who hasn't kept your eyes off of me all night. You don't seem to mind that I'm dressed like this."

Red blush spread across Remus's face and his hand twitch as though he'd only just realised what he was doing - but he made no effort to move his palm from where it rested on his hipbone. Sirius kept his view focused as a tongue darted out of Lupin's mouth, dampening his lips before drawing back in slowly.

"I'm drunk," He slurred over-exaggeratedly as a way of an excuse, keeping his eyes burning into Sirius's skull.

"Ah," Sirius's lips twitched at the corners, teasing, "Finally letting loose, are we? Pulling your head from your ass at last?"

Suddenly drawing his hand away from Sirius's body (Sirius wouldn't admit he had to stifle a whimper when he did), Remus pulled back, removing his hand from above Sirius head, and folded his arms over his chest. Narrowing his eyes and lowering his brows, he fixed daggers at Sirius.

"You really think I'm that fucking boring, don't you?" He spat, mood flicking from amorous and cocky to cruel in a second.

"Can you blame me?"

Remus leant forwards, darkening his eyes further, "We're no more than strangers. You don't know a  _ thing  _ about me."

"And you don't know a thing about me, either, but I'm not the one pinning strangers against kitchen counters, am I?"

Sirius felt the edge of the countertops dig into the small of his back as Remus pushed his shoulders, taking a testing step backwards.

"I'm not drunk enough to deal with you," Lupin attested flatly, turning on his heel and heading to the kitchen door. He paused as Sirius goaded.

"And here I was thinking you were about to do something fun and spontaneous for once, Lupin."

"You wish, Black."

He turned and left, heading into the crowd of the living room.

Sirius had to bite his tongue and pinch his side to stop himself shouting after him.

_ Maybe I do...  _ Were the words left on his tongue.

Reaching behind him, Sirius grabbed the seemingly forgotten shot on the worktop, and bought it to his lips, savouring the burn as it travelled down his throat. He filled up the glass again, and then twice more, downing each shot before slamming the glass down one last time.

Leaning on the counter, Sirius took a moment for himself, clearing his mind off the thoughts of Remus. He tried to forget the feeling of his fingers trailing up his thighs, and his hand on his hip, fingertips digging into his flesh. He tried to forget the electricity as Remus stared at his lips, darting his tongue out, teasing him.

He wasn't forgetting very well. 

Heaving a breath in annoyance, Sirius left the kitchen in search of James, hoping to distract himself. Instead, he came face to face with a sight he never thought he'd see.

James was sat on the sofa with a very drunk looking Lily Evans straddling him, one hand in his hair and another clutching a glass of vodka and orange juice.

_ He got over that one fast...  _ Sirius took a few steps into the room, hiding amongst the crowd as he listened into the conversation.

"Rem would kill me, you know..." Lily was blurring, talking with her lips still against the rim of the glass.

"Well, he just left so he doesn't need to know..."

"You asked me on a date, Potter, not for a shag. But I'll think about it, a'ight?"

Sirius almost threw his hands up, defeated!  _ What the fuck was it with people and relationships and alcohol!  _

One drink and everyone lost any sense of rationality and went loopy, himself included, if the scene in the kitchen was anything to go off of...

Lily got off of James, ignoring the disappointed look on his face, and excused herself to get Remus who had apparently left the apartment entirely. Sirius couldn't help but blame himself but pushed down the guilt as he sat on the arm of the couch, watching as Lily walked over to the front door.

"Finally got a date with Lily!" James beamed, leaning against his friend's leg, blushing from the insobriety and endearment.

"No, she said maybe," Sirius corrected, "What about-"

"Doesn't matter! Not if Lily Evans wants to go on a date with me, Padfoot!"

Seeing James so happy made his fucking skin crawl, like a vile sort of possessiveness and malice was tearing at his throat and hitting against his ribs. He felt suffocated. He wasn't sure why, but he wasn't about to stick around to find out. He  _ had  _ to leave. Giving James another congratulations, Sirius hurridly left the room, storming out of the apartment, taking the main stairs two at a time in his stupid platform boots and throwing open the front doors. 

Once outside, he felt the hot air hit his flushed skin, cooling him down, and he noticed how warm he'd been at the party.

Lupin was nowhere to be seen - not that he was looking for him - so he found his attention drawn to a group of six or so girls heading to another block of campus accommodation dressed as lewd nurses. One girl was being held up by two others, near enough passed out and incredibly drunk. 

It made Sirius realize how sober he actually was.

Emotions really did sober you up.

He took off his pirate hat that had miraculously stayed on during his run down the stairs, and pulled out his packet of cigarettes he's stuffed inside of it - a bag would have been more practical, of course, but his outfit was too sexy for that. Pulling out a fag and the lighter, he headed over to a bench in the courtyard.

He smoked in peace, cursing at himself for leaving his own (Peter's) party, and for getting so worked up over Remus. He could still dislike him, even if he wished he was back in the kitchen, pressed against him with his hands all over his body.d

_ Right? _

_ " _ He's gone. He has a spare key to our dorms that Dors gave him so he's probably there," A voice that was unmistakably Lily Evans called from behind before she moved to sit next to him on the bench.

"Did he t-"

"Tell me what happened? Yeah, he did..." She sucked in a breath, dropping her shoulders, "He won't remember in the morning, by the way. Just so you know. He doesn't drink much and when he does, he gets blackout pissed."

Sirius gave a humourless snort, rolling his eyes, "Why doesn't he drink much? Why does he get so bad?"

"Not my place to say. Like I said before, get to know him."

Sirius hadn't been so confused in a long time. 

"Why do you want me to talk to him so bad?"

"A lot of reasons. He's a good guy, sweet as anything. I know you don't agree... but he is. He has his reasons for how he acts, you know? I've told him what I think of how he treats you, and he feels awful, even if he's a little too scared to admit it to you. And... Sirius, Potter was a dickhead to me in school. He bullied and harassed me for years," Sirius just nodded his head, aware of how James had acted but not sure why it was relevant, "But he isn't that person anymore, and maybe I want to get to know him a little better... If I can give James a second chance, you can give one to Remus, can't you?"

Shaking his head slightly, Sirius dropped the end of his cigarette onto the cold stone slabs before looking at Lily. "I mean sure, if you want me to, but it's a little different, Evans. You and James are stupid pining idiots, Lupin and I just don't get on."

Lily smiled. "Sure."


	5. Coffee Cures (almost) Everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy this is short
> 
> but I struggled to add more  
> and it was too important to leave out  
> please don't hate me  
> :)

Remus 

Remus never thought that the action of sitting upright would make him feel nauseous, but here he was, sat on his bed with his knees pulled to his chest, head falling between his legs, heaving and trying to hold on to any remains of food from the night before. Had he even eaten last night? _What happened?_ The pounding in his head didn't cease as his hand came to slip through his head and caress his scalp, and his whole body ached like he'd just been beaten. For a heartbeat, he thought he had. He really felt like complete and utter shite.

With another deep, shaking breath, he lifted his head and looked over to his desk. Laying on the wood was a piece of paper, four tablets, a £10 note and a mug of water. He shuffled on his bed, straining to grab the note, grateful he could reach his desk from the comfort of his thick duvet and sinking mattress, neither of which he was quite ready to part from.

_Hey, sunshine!_

_I doubt you remember anything, but it was the Halloween party last night! You ran off to our apartment but I bought you back here. You passed out almost straight away. Take your meds (there's some p̶a̶r̶e̶c̶e̶ paracetamol there for you too) and get some coffee, love! No uni for a week, so I'll come by tomorrow! Text me when you're up!_

_~Lily_

Remus smiled halfheartedly at Lily's mothering note as he racked his brain to remember anything from last night. It was a poor attempt, feeling instantly nauseous again as he forced himself out of bed and tried to look for any hints as to what happened. The only thing that gave him any clues as to what went down was the teal trousers still low on his hips and white sheet haphazardly thrown over his shoulders.

_Oh well, Lily will explain to me tomorrow._

He left her a text to say he was up and alive (barely) and decided that noon was a more than acceptable time to get ready - he wouldn't turn down free coffee either. In a dizzy, still sickly daze, he tugged on a pair of jeans he found on the floor and an oversized espresso coloured sweater his mum had knitted for him a few months back. He took all four of the tablets, finishing off the water in the mug, before pocketing the money. As an afterthought, he grabbed a couple of his already made roll-ups, putting them straight into his front pocket. He gave himself one last look over in the mirror.

He sure wished he hadn't. His eyes were sunken, lifeless with dark circles beneath them, and his hair was stuck up in every direction uncontrollably. Smothering his locks with his hands, he tried to force back some order, and rubbed his eyes, blinking a few times in hope he'd look less dead on the inside. All attempts to look normal failed and Remus sighed lamentably, huffing to himself about his appearance as he opened his door. Judging by the soft snores coming from the other side of the hall, Remus knew Peter was still asleep. Snores also came from Sirius's door opposite his, louder and harsher, and Remus was grateful he nor James - who had training on Sundays - would see him in his hungover state!

Remus snuck out of the apartment, headed down the stairs and began walking down the street at a sluggish pace. Campus was no less than dead, with most students in either an alcoholic comatose, or heading home for the half-term break.

Still trying to ground himself from his semi-inebriated state, Remus's eyes followed along to cracks in the pavement, watching as his slip-on shoes hit the ground with heavy, exhausted steps. The city air was fresh, happy and almost floral, and Remus welcomed the breeze with open arms, pleased to be out of the flat where the scent of vodka and sweat and sex still lingered - if he found out some needy couple had shagged in the kitchen or something, he was going to flip. Remus began languishing after the countryside again as he gazed at the crisp wrappers and cigarette butts rolling along like urban tumbleweed, and his hand subconsciously came to rest on his upper arm, ghosting over the sensitive spot beneath his jumper. He missed the rolling hills of Northern Wales, but moving to the city with his mother after everything was the best decision the pair ever made.

Turning the corner, Remus lifted his head and dropped his shoulders, letting out a happy sigh as he saw the familiar pine green and pearl white logo of his personal haven - the Campus Starbucks! As he pushed open the doors, he was blessed with the smell of Arabica coffee beans and the thunderous growl of the espresso maker, and he already felt worlds better since walking in. His eyes glazed over the menu momentarily even though he already knew what he was ordering.

A flat voice came from the counter.

"Welcome to Starbucks, what would you like today?"

Remus, tearing his gaze away from the boards, met eyes with the barista, who was no less than absolutely stunning. With sunken, shining eyes and dark curtain bangs falling in front of his face, Remus found his breath taken away. There was something oddly familiar about the protruding cheekbones and sharp jawline that felt too much like home.

"You're gorgeous..." Remus muttered, only realizing he said them after the boy's eyes widened and his cheeks went faintly pink.

"Afraid we don't sell that here," He ribbed with a grin, "Any chance you care to explain why that was your greeting?"

_You're just really fucking gorgeous and dead familiar, fancy giving me your number?_

Remus didn't think that would go down too well.

Thankful it was quiet and he was the only customer, he leant forward against the counter and huffed, "Would you believe me if I said I was still drunk from last night?"

"Taking a look at you, yes." The man - Ryder, going by his nametag - said unequivocally, lips twitching slightly. _Couldn't he catch a break from snarky black haired pricks this year?_

"...Just a Doubleshot Vanilla Iced Coffee please," He spluttered, tugging at the hem of his jumper and biting his lip.

"Sure thing, sweetheart," Ryder smirked slightly, ringing up the order and taking the cash from Remus.

Remus headed to the end of the counter to wait for his order and found himself staring at the barista (who caught his eye a few times, gave a weak smile and carried on with his work). He watched as he filled the portafilter with the espresso coffee, slotting it back into the machine and flicking it on. Somewhere along the line, his mind drifted to his roommate throwing iced coffee on him the first time they met, and he snorted with humour before his smile faltered feeling a little guilty. 

He really needed to talk to Sirius soon. 

It had been a week and a day now since Remus spoke to Lily and his mother. He'd been taking the time to himself - pushing his studies to the side for the meantime to focus on... well, focus on his gayness for lack of a better term. He still wasn't in a position to come out to anyone else yet (he tried to tell Peter, knocked on his door and been invited in, running out straight away and praying his friend asked no questions. He had, of course, but Remus played it off as wanting company but suddenly feeling ill). However, he'd become more okay with it, even if it had taken three years of being out to himself to really begging to accept his feelings.

"Doubleshot Vanilla Iced Coffee for the cute boy with the brown hair," Ryder announced rather stoically, pushing the plastic cup across the counter to Remus.

_See, he's cute, and that's okay. Boys are allowed to be pretty and I'm allowed to think that!_ He chanted in his mind over and over as he grinned at the barista, taking his drink and leaving with a thanks.

He took out his phone, ready to take a picture for his Instagram (he knew it was cringy as oh-so-typical, but the coffee matched his light academia aesthetic a lot!) before he noticed the black scrawl along the side.

_Any chance of a drink with you instead of serving it? x_

_(44)XXXX-XXXXXX_

Putting his phone back into his jean pocket, he began to gnaw on the inside of his cheeks and took a sip of his drink, smiling sadly.

He could admit he was good looking, but a date with another man? That was a whole other level he wasn't quite ready for yet.

He walked back into the centre of campus, settling on a bench only 10 minutes from the dorms, ready to head home any time.

He'd been at university for a month now, and had only just begun to pay attention to how beautiful the campus actually was!

Hogwarts Loch University was at the heart of the city, with ten or so gorgeous buildings of studios, lecture halls and libraries surrounding the courtyard in the middle. Bright fuchsias and bold carmines in flower patches stood out against the dull grey of the pavements and sandstone colour of the buildings and many of the students did the same!

The people walking around campus seemed to mostly be art or music students, either in bright layered t-shirts and messy mom-jeans, or the polar opposite. His eyes caught a tall man with long black hair, in a studded leather jacket and ripped jeans with fishnets underneath. If it wasn't for the height, Remus would have thought it was Sirius. The boy gave Remus a small wave as he realised he was staring, before heading into one of the library buildings.

Remus finished his drink and pulled out a cigarette and lighter from his pocket, lighting it quick and puffing away. Some of the tobacco had fallen out from the end, but he was just grateful that he'd decided to bring some. He took in a drag, letting his eyes roll to the back of his head and held his breath for a moment. Sirius popped up in his mind, leaning across the kitchen counter, breathing a puff of grey smoke out of the window before turning to face him.

Remus exhaled with a huff, wafting away the smoke and hopefully the strangely seductive image of Black, too.

He was fine finding other men good looking.

He was fine having crushes on other men.

Just not Sirius Black.

(Not that he had a crush on Sirius Black, of course! He just found him pretty - drop-dead gorgeous - and that was it.)

It was more like...

Remus racked his brain to find a term that fit.

Aesthetic infatuation was what he settled on; Sirius was stunning, sexy, and perfect to stare at, but Remus still knew deep down that Black was still a cocky, egotistical, and just plain rude.

Before setting off, Remus checked his phone, smiling as he saw a text back from Lily.

_yay we both survived the night! thought one of us could choke on our vomit or smthn ://///_

**Nope, I wasn't even sick miraculously. How are you?**

_im good love, not been sick either haha, how are u? remember anything lmao xx_

**I'm okay, tired but coffee is dragging me through. I don't remember a thing, did I do anything bad?**

Remus chewed on his lip and took another inhale of smoke before sending another text.

**Actually, don't tell me.**

_u sure??? x_

**Yes. I think I'd rather the anxiety eat my up rather than the embarrassment!**

_and ur positive you dont want me to tell you???? x_

**100% positive, dear. I'll see you tomorrow. X**

He typed the last text, adding a kiss and sending it before he regretted saying no. If he did something bad, it was clearly stupid enough that drunk him had drunk even more in an effort to forget. He hoped it was better that way.

Remus took another drag, dropping the filter and crushing it. He stood up and dusted off his trousers. He'd only been up for an hour for an afternoon nap wouldn't go amiss. 

Twirling the plastic cup gently between his fingers, Remus gave one last look at the message and number.

Ryder was gorgeous, undoubtedly, but Remus just couldn't deal with dating or relationships yet; not when he couldn't even tell Peter who - what - he was. He had seemed too familiar, and Remus wondered if he'd been someone from his home village, or perhaps his senior school. He'd only been at Garden Grove Academy for 9 months, so they might have never learnt each other's names. The unplaceable familiarity was alluring but unnerving, bringing back the nauseous feeling from the morning and twisting a little in his chest.

Not to mention his dark hair and attitude seemed far too similar to a certain roommate he'd like to punch.

Why did everyone and everything remind him of Black? Couldn't he get over this Aesthetic Infatuation already?!

_Don't make someone that pretty suffer through a date with you_ , his mind scoffed.

He chucked the cup into a nearby bin without adding the number to his contacts.


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Domestic family chapter? Yes please!
> 
> (This is the last shortish chapter for a little bit hopefully!)
> 
> Suggestive themes, but like, hella brief and is mild compared to whats coming jHSFLKJDSF  
> also homophobia? but like also hella brief hahah
> 
> Hope you all enjoy <3

Sirius

"Where are you off to?"

"Oh, hey Remus! Pads and I are off to stay with family for a couple of nights, we'll be back by Friday evening, just good to go and see the folks!"

"Well, I hope you and Black have fun, James!"

"And you! See you in three days!"

Sirius shuddered against the wall of the corridor, huffing and tightening his grip on the overnight bag in his hand. James had taken to calling Lupin 'Remus' now in some poor venture to impress Lily - he'd rambled about wanting to seem more mature than the picture Lupin was no doubt painting him as.

The worst outcome of the whole endeavour was how it was  _ working _ ! Not only had Lily agreed on a date in a few weeks when she was next fully free, but Remus had begun to take a liking to James! They were on a first-name basis with a strange friendly-banter level of acquaintanceship, joking in the hallway when they passed between rooms, giving fleeting smiles around campus and sharing food with one another.

It was  _ sickening _ !

And if Sirius wouldn't admit that he hated it only because Remus was still calling him 'Black', giving passing glares and avoiding him, well, no one was going to point it out.

Okay, maybe James.

"Jealous, Padfoot?" James smirked, speaking in a hushed voice so Lupin couldn't hear from the kitchen. He'd taken to leaning over Sirius, one arm propping him up against the wall, the other holding a similar overnight back to Sirius's.

"Oh shut it, Prongs," Sirius spat in a similar whisper, glowering and shamefaced, "Lets just hit the road, okay. I can't stand another minute with you sucking up to him for a fucking girl." He hoisted his bag to rest the strap on his shoulder, turning to the door and grabbing the handle.

"Just because you want to be sucking-"

"James!"

Walking into the old English manor situated on the Potter's Estate always held the same feeling as getting a cordial hug, surrounded by warmth and love and homeliness! It was so different from Sirius's house at Grimmauld Place that the first time Sirius had visited, he was thoroughly overwhelmed, keeping silent and on guard, almost as though the happiness and affection in the air would disappear any moment. It never did, of course, and he learnt to love that love when he moved in.

Coming back to the manor for the first time in almost six weeks, Sirius was more than happy to fall into that metaphorical welcoming embrace his second home provided him.

The physical hugs were always wonderful, too.

"Sirius, my lovely! Oh, how I've missed you! You're looking thin, my dear! Have you been eating?" Euphemia Potter rambled as she pulled him into a tight cuddle, wrapping her arms around him. She was a short, plump Indian woman dressed in a traditional emerald Sari, long, greying hair pulled into a low ponytail, and Sirius rested his chin on her shoulder, smiling and returning the embrace.

"Hey, mum! I've missed you too! I promise I've been eating, just been working out a lot on stage is all! How are you?"

"Oi!" James laughed from the doorway, "You have another son too, you know!"

Their mum pulled back from Sirius, turning to James and giving him a matching close hug, chuckling into his ear.

"Yes yes, I know, James my dear! How have you both been!? Your father and I have missed our boys!" 

They continued with pleasantries - and more hugs than Sirius could count - as their father emerged from his study, giving them happy pats on the back and asking how they were. They settled into the kitchen diner and continued to talk as Euphemia - Effie, as Fleamont, her husband, always called her - prepared dinner for them all.

Every now and then, Sirius drifted off from the conversation, staring into space as doubts crept into his mind. He pushed them away with the same reminder he always did,  _ This is your family, this is your home. _

"So!" Fleamont cheered, swallowing the curry in his mouth and looking up to the younger boys, "What have the pair of you been up to in the big, bad world then?"

"Well, I got onto the university football team, joined a campus society that helps train younger kids on the team at Garden Grove and finally got Lily Evans to say yes to a date with me!" James beamed, clearly showing off about his date, and Sirius couldn't help the goodnatured eye-roll at his friend's cockiness.

"That's lovely, dear! I bet helping those little ones is amazing!" Effie smiled, seemingly looking past the date comment and simpering more as James's grin faltered slightly, "What about you, Siri? Doing anything alongside studies?"

Sirius shovelled another forkful of jalfrezi into his mouth, mumbling, "Nothing other than the expected, mum. But I've been looking at joining a BSL society, perhaps in second year?"

"What about the love life?" Fleamont prodded with a smirk, "James is doing well with his girl, no boyfriend for you?"

Picking up his glass and taking a sip, Sirius shook his head.

"No one special?"

"Nope."

Sirius looked to his left, to see James with an expression that couldn't be described better than taunting and wry as he chewed on some chicken, raising his eyebrows conceitedly.

"Sirius," Euphemia began, "Why is your brother looking at you like that?"

Slamming down his fork, Sirius glared at his friend, "I don't know,  _ James _ ," He hissed, knowing and sardonic, "Why  _ are  _ you looking at me like that?!"

"I don't know,  _ Sirius _ !" James laughed, trying to mimic Sirius's outburst and slamming his own fork onto the wood, "Why are  _ you  _ lying about-"

"Well!" Fleamont shouted with a somewhat forced smile, clapping so loud it echoed around the room, "That was just  _ lovely  _ dear! Thank you for cooking! Now, I think these boys should go up to their rooms and settle in, they had a very long drive up-"

"It was only an hour, dad!"

"-and they could do with some rest!"

Sirius didn't say a word to James as he stormed up the stairs, red-faced and fuming, and slammed the door shut before throwing himself down on the bed.  _ Stupid fucking James... _

Sirius knew exactly what he was insinuating. Just because James had some minor success with his own disastrous love life doesn't mean he's allowed to advocate things about other peoples! He knew exactly that, if their dad hadn't interrupted, James would have bought up a certain brown-haired dumbass in their dorms.

What made it all worse, was he hadn't mentioned a thing to James! All James knew was what he saw; the sarcastic comments, narrowing eyes and tension between the two of them. Was it really that obvious how he felt about Remus? (It was all on a superficial level, of course! All Sirius was interested in was slipping his hands into his hair, tugging on the locks as he left kisses along his jaw, pushing him back and calling him some deep-routed insult, before grabbing him again, lips crashing and tongues sliding against one another. He couldn't care less about who Remus was as a person, or a friend or...  _ partner _ , of sorts).

Sirius hadn't even told James about 'The Kitchen Incident', as he'd labelled it in his mind, underlined and bold, filed with a warning label and 'Do Not Open' sign.

His mind drifted back to that moment more than Sirius was willing to admit (specifically Remus towering over him, palm on his hipbone and fingers drifting on the seams of his bodysuit, rather than the shouting and storming off, even if he liked to pretend he only replayed the fighting). 

One time, specifically, only two days before they came to the Potters, his mind wandered further than he'd intended. In his head, they were no longer talking. No longer flirting, if you could call it that. Remus had his lips pressed against Sirius's, almost forcefully, with one hand tight on his waist, the other scratching on the outside of his thigh under his fishnets. He pushed Sirius further into the counter, moving his legs apart with his own knee and kissing him even fiercer, tongue slipping between his lips and running over his teeth. Sirius, in real life, had found his hand drifting to the button of his jeans faster than he'd expected, prying it open as he continued to think of Remus in the kitchen on Halloween. Only when Mind Remus moved his lips to Sirius's jaw, did he falter. 

"You're beautiful..." Remus murmured affectionately in his thoughts, tongue dancing over the shell of Sirius's ear, tender and caring.

Sirius had shot up from his bed fast, tearing his hand away from where it rested on his zipper and shooting his eyes open wide in paranoia.

_ Nonononono! _

_ Not a chance! _

If,  _ if _ , he and Remus ever had anything like...  _ that _ , it was about hatred, clashing differences and letting out anger from the day they met in a desperate attempt to dissolve any lasting tensions. It would NOT be romantic, or sweet or affectionate in any way! Sirius Black didn't 'make love'. He fucked. And he definitely would not make love with Remus Lupin!

Not that anything  _ would  _ ever happen, of course! Lily had been right - Remus seemed to remember nothing from Hallows Eve, waking up the next morning and saying nothing to Sirius, or acting any differently. On far too many occasions Sirius had almost bought it up to him, asking exactly what he did and didn't recall, wanting to taunt him over how he'd acted.

Perhaps a small part of him wanted to recreate the moment; corner him in the kitchen and tease him, running his fingertips all over Remus's body until he was a stuttering mess. 

There was a knock outside of his room, and Sirius looked up from where his face was smooshed into the pillow to see the heavy wooden door opening. Stood in the doorframe, illuminated by the hallway lights, stood his father, small smile on his thin lips, hands in his jean pockets.

"Hey, dad..." Sirius mumbled unenthusiastically, head hitting the pillow once again.

"Hi, son! Come and chat with me for a bit! We've missed you and James being around here." Fleamont grinned, watching as Sirius dragged himself up in a huff and grabbed his packet of fags from the side. 

They trudged through the hallway until they were at the balcony of the upstairs parlour room. They settled on the bench they had up there - an old, rickety metal thing that Sirius had been gifted from his own uncle and Fleamont insisted on keeping, and Sirius wasted no time in lighting up. His father did the same, clicking his lighter and taking a few heavy drags, exhaling with a sigh.

"Come on then, kiddo," He encouraged softly, "What's got you down? You don't flip out at your brother like that for no reason, unless Walburga has-"

"Oh god no!" Sirius cried, twisting his face in disgust, "It's nothing to do with her, or any of them."

"Then what's up, Sirius?"

A pause.

"There's this boy... Don't look at me like that!" Sirius laughed as he saw Fleamont grin, with the same cocky smirk as James. "I don't like him like that. It's more of... well, he's good looking! Everyone can see that! But he's a total dickhead! We just don't get along!"

"And there's no reason why?"

"No! I mean, we had a bad introduction, but I apologized, I tried to make an effort and it hasn't gone well! He seems to be getting long with James fine now! And he knew Peter, the other kid from that picture I sent you, from before Uni!"

"Hmm..." His dad hummed, filling his lungs with smoke once again, "And this boy is also gay?"

"Well." Sirius wasn't sure. He'd never actually asked... "I don't know, actually." He admitted.

"Is there a chance he's homophobic?" Fleamont asked gravely.

_ "This coming from the one person who hasn't kept your eyes off of me all night. You don't seem to mind that I'm dressed like this." _

"No, definitely not!"

"Are you sure?"

_ "I'm drunk," He slurred. _

Fleamont continued as Sirius started out onto the grounds of the estate.

"Is there a chance he thinks you might be gay or knows you are? And that's why he doesn't like you very much?"

"I-"

Sirius didn't want to consider it! He'd be in the dorm with Remus for another nine months! What if be bought a boy home and Remus kicked off? What if he started to use slurs against him? Maybe that was why he called him a slut? What if his move in the kitchen was to ridicule him?!

Nausea hit Sirius like a punch to the gut, and despite his horribly dry mouth and twisting sickness in his stomach, he took another deep, heavy drag of tobacco and nicotine, trying to forget the idea of Remus hating him for who he loved.

He's escaped the same opinions of his parents - he couldn't deal with it from Remus now, too.

"Sorry to stress you out, kid..." His father consoled sympathetically, patting his shoulder, "Maybe talk to him some more, try and find out if you can?"

"Are we alright to talk about something else now..?" 

Sirius watched as the last of the November sun dipped behind the trees in the distance, listening to the slight chuckling of his dad and feeling the shake of his shoulders.

"Of course, Sirius! How's your brother?"

"Which one?" Sirius grunted humorlessly.

"Regulus."

"Really, Dad?! Of all the topics you choose you chose  _ him _ ?!" 

His dad snorted, shaking his head and laughing.

"You told me to change the subject!"

"Reg is... He's okay. I still see him during the day Tuesdays to chat. Sometime's it's a bit awkward, but there's progress. He's working a few jobs now to try and get some money to leave without  _ them  _ finding out."

Fleamont gave a sad smile, "Still not wanting help from us?"

"Of course not. He's too stubborn."

Sirius felt an elbow in his side, "Just like his brother, then."

Heat hit Sirius's fingertips as the cigarette stopped burning and reached the filter, which he promptly pressed out into the ashtray on the small outdoor side table. He leant against Fleamont for a moment.

"I've missed you, Dad."

"I've missed you too, Son. Now, I think you should go and apologize to your brother..."

Sirius's breath caught in his throat as he lifted his fist to knock on James' bedroom door. Once he heard James call from inside, he opened the door, stepping through and closing it behind him. James was sat cross-legged on the floor, back resting against the foot of the bed

"Look, Prongs-"

"No, Pads, don't! I shouldn't have said anything in front of mum and dad, I'm sorry. I know nothings happening between you and him." His eyes dropped to the floor.

Sirius moved and sat down next to his brother, leaning his head on his shoulder, "I shouldn't have lashed out. I'm sorry too."

"Hey!" James cheered, a bright smile suddenly spread across his face, "Lets put it behind us with..." He trailed off, suddenly turning and diving to the ground, hands rummaging under his bed in search of something, "This!" He declared with a shout!

In his hands, James held a dusty, half-filled bottle of Russian Standard Vodka, unscrewing the cap and taking a shot straight from the bottle.

"James! You kept it?!"

"Yup!" He beamed, passing the bottle to Sirius who promptly copied James's actions, "Thought it would be nostalgic for when we came back!"

An hour later, both boys laid on the carpet, tears building in their eyes as their voices wheezed, sides splitting with drunken laughter.

"W-wait! What about the time w-we dyed Snape's hair green in year 9?!" Sirius cacked, throwing his head back as James let out a strained cry in humour.

"O-or... Or-" Prongs panted, wheezing with every syllable, "Or when we filled class 23A so it was like a ball-pit!" Both boys laughed again, tears trailing down cheeks as they grabbed their stomachs.

Sirius took a moment to look over at James in a drunken haze, who was still on the floor, back arched as he cackled hysterically. His heart lept as he seemed to realise for the first time since walking through the door that he was  _ home!  _ He was back in James's room, drinking their dad's vodka and laughing about the best days of senior school in his own home!

Who cared about Regulus, who still acted strange and distant after all this time, or Remus who might hate him for who he is, or his 'family' for everything they ever did?

All he needed was his mum, dad and brother, that's what made him happy!


	7. Moonlight for Medication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a little jumpy and all over the place but I'm still proud
> 
> <3

Remus

Remus bolted upright in bed, tearing the sheets from his body and throwing them on the floor. He clutched at his chest, panting, as though he'd been drowning until just a moment ago. The cold air hit his flushed skin, and he touched over his arms and neck, feeling the cold sweat and clamminess on his flesh. 

He looked over to his bedside table to see his tablet organizer, with Wednesday's lid still clicked shut, including two tablets inside of it.

_ Fuck. _

He snatched up the tablets, shaking, and clambered out of bed. Before rushing out of his room into the kitchen, he grabbed a random hoodie from his desk chair, tugging it over his head. He flicked on the lights, calming slightly as he heard the humming and buzzing from the light fixture. Remus opened the nearest cupboard and took out a glass. After filling it from the tap, he opened the tablet case lid, tipping the small pills into his hand and dropping them onto the back of his tongue, swallowing them with a gulp of water.

Now he just had to wait 15 minutes or so for them to kick in. 

He didn't sit down at the table, electing to lean on the counter, focusing on his breathing, feeling how his chest rose and fell and the sensation of the polyester sweater on his sensitive, prickling skin. Eventually, his shallow, painful breaths calmed, his skin cooled and he felt more like he was floating, less like he was drowning in his fear and bedsheets. He kept drinking, savouring the cool water trickling down his burning throat. His hair was still wet from sweat, now chilling at he opened the kitchen and he almost wanted to shiver from the cold. The panic died down, and after a few more glasses of water, Remus was prepared to head off back to bed. 

Until, from down the hall, he heard a door open, and a hiss of annoyance. As he heard light footsteps padding down the carpeted corridor, his heart began to race again, knowing exactly who it was.

"What the fuck, Lupin?!" Sirius whisper-shouted from the doorway of the kitchen, "All I can hear is you pacing around and turning that pissing tap on and off again! It's 3 fucking am! What are you-" His eyes caught the sight of the mint coloured pill container in Remus's tight grip, and he cut himself off. Remus, anxiety washing over him, pulled the case behind his back (he knew realistically that Sirius had already seen it, but he could pray for just a moment). 

Somehow, Sirius still looked gorgeous, even with his hair pulled into a messy bun and sleep in his eyes. He had grey joggers riding low on his hips and a black crop top barely covering his chest, and suddenly Remus felt hot again, not from the paranoia, but from the overwhelming urge to mark the pale, uncovered skin of Sirius's torso.

Sirius's storming eyes flickered as he looked Remus up and down, seeing the blotchy red blush over his face and down his neck, the sheen over his skin from cold sweat, his damp bedhead - and the fact he was stood in only his boxers and an oversized pink hoodie. He began to panic again.

"Well, you've definitely looked better," Sirius grimaced at his poor attempt at humour, flinching slightly when he watched Remus's eyes widen in strain and guilt.

"I- I'm s-sorry... you can- you can go back to bed, I'm sorry," Remus hated himself for stuttering, watching how Sirius's face darkened slightly as he did.  _ Just another thing for Sirius to criticise him for. _

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked, sounding almost concerned for him. He took a tentative step into the kitchen, and Remus could almost see the goosebumps prickle on his skin from the cold night air blowing in from the window.

"D-do I look l-like I'm fuck-fucking okay??"

"Ooh, sarcastic even when you look an inch from death, nice," Sirius jeered, smirking slightly.

Remus just wanted to run, hide and get as far away from Sirius - from anyone - as he could. He wondered if the girls would hate him for going to their dorms at stupid o'clock.

"You're coming with me for a fag," Sirius yawned, pulling a nondescript slate grey packet and neon yellow lighter from his trouser pockets, and turning to walk out of the kitchen without hearing Remus's response.

The last thing he wanted to do was be anywhere near Sirius now, even if the thought of nicotine running through his blood was tempting.

"I-I r-"

"Look," Sirius huffed defeatedly, not walking back into the kitchen to respond, "You're clearly ill or in a state or what-the-fuck-ever, as as much as I think you're a total dickhead, I'm not going to leave you to wallow in your own self-pity. I hope you like straights as much as your dodgy roll-ups."

Remus heard the sound of the front door open, Sirius stepping through and it closing again, and he found himself inexplicably drawn to do the same. After a brief pause and a sharp intake of breath, he put the case of pills he still had hidden behind his back onto the counter, before heading out of the apartment. 

When he reached the courtyard at the bottom, he saw the back of Sirius's head where he was sat on a nearby bench, dark locks now free from the hairband and falling loosely over his shoulders, and he walked to take a seat next to him. 

The cold air on his skin shocked him, even colder than when we was stood in the kitchen, and he realised he was shivering, bare legs shaking in the autumn wind. He dragged his feet onto the bench and stretched the bottom of his sweater over his knees and down his calves.

Sirius passed him the lighter and cigarette packet silently, letting Remus help himself.

Preferring his menthol roll-ups over straights, Remus choked on the first drag, hacking and hitting his chest over the sound of Sirius snickering in the background. Finally calm, he took another drag, and then another, finally used to the somewhat foreign taste.

What he wasn't used to, however, was Sirius. 

Or, in this case, how he'd chosen to sit so there were barely two inches between them, and Remus could feel the heat radiating from Sirius's body, hear as he breathed in and smell the Richmond cigarettes and Lynx bodyspray on him.

His stomach twisted as he realised he wanted to bury his face in the crook of Sirius's neck, savouring the scent and kissing his jaw.

"You aren't going to ask, then?" Remus asked as a way of a distraction from his own thoughts. Sirius gave a curious hum in response, not turning to look at him. "The pills, the freak-out?"

"I don't care. We aren't friends. Tell me if you want to but I don't mind either way. Don't feel pressured. It's your business to tell, not mine to ask about."

"Well," Remus laughed ironically, "So we aren't friends and you don't care, but you want me to be comfortable. A little bit of hypocrisy there, Black."

"It's called common fucking decency, Lupin!" Sirius seethed, turning to glare at Remus.

_ Something we've both lacked, thus far... _

Remus thought over it in his head, wondering if telling Sirius was a good idea. Peter didn't even know about it, not in its entirety. No one did, other than his mum and Lily.

But what harm could it do?

He thought back to his mother's words,  _ you two could do with a fresh start _ , and knew she was right, even if he'd never tell her.

_ Now or never... _

Hand reaching out, he clutched the packet of cigarettes from the space on the bench between them, swiftly pulling one out and lighting it. He bought the filter to his chapped lips and mumbled around it, staring at a moth dancing in the light of a nearby lamppost.

"Duloxetine. For my anxiety."

"Ah. Figured."

Remus almost snapped his neck, whipping around to stare at Sirius, who still hadn't turned to look at him.

"Huh?!"

Sirius gave a low chuckle and continued to gaze at nothing. "I mean, it made sense. I didn't think you had anxiety until tonight. You were shaking and sweating and looking like you thought I'd pull a bloody gun on you, Lupin. Anxiety attack, I'm guessing?"

"Yeah."

There was a pause, and Remus worried that Sirius would begin to mock him as soon as he had a good insult in his mind. 

"Is that why you're so bitchy?" He smirked, though genuinely curious, "The Duloxetine? It's one of them serotonin uptakers or whatever, right? Side effects like irritability and aggression and bad sleep?"

How the hell did Sirius know about SNRI's? But it wasn't his place to ask, it was Sirius's place to tell, instead deciding to hiss back, "Well go on then! I've told you something, now you tell me something!"

Any think to take the attention away from himself.

After another dulcet laugh, Sirius seemed to ponder. His eyes began to follow the same moth Remus was, observing as it fluttered under the golden flickering beam of the streetlight. "I have a brother. Called Reg. Bit of a dickhead really. Your turn."

"My mum runs The Coffee Club on Adams Street."

"I started to smoke to spite my mother."

"I have a tiny butterfly tattoo on my ankle."

"I used to play the piano when I was a kid, rather well actually, until I scared off the teacher."

"You scared them off?!" Remus laughed, slightly scared, and Sirius just gave a sonorous purr. "Well, I used to do art until my teacher got too annoyed at how political I made everything." In reality, he confided in his art teacher about his sexuality back in year 10. They seemed to get along, and Remus thought he could trust him. He never expected to be outed to his mum and dad only a day later.

It took more effort than Remus really comprehended to not turn around and say 'I'm gay' when he next had his chance. He didn't want the third person he came out to be Sirius Black, but it felt like he could to it so naturally! Remus would say he was gay, and Sirius would say he listened to heavy metal, or something just as undeniably punk as though they were talking about the weather. Another part of him, a small nagging voice in the back of his mind wanted him to say he was gay just to hear Sirius turn around and say 'same'.

Not that it would matter if he was. 

Obviously.

"James and I once dyed a kids hair green because he pissed us off. It was UV dye but we never got to see if it worked." 

Remus knew exactly who's hair they dyed. Oh well, Snape had deserved it after what he said to Lily.

"My parents are divorced." Remus gulped, not telling Sirius that he knew about the Snape thing.

"I have a scar on my lower back."

"I have a scar on my left arm."

Finally, Sirius turned to Remus, raising his eyebrow in misguided solicitude.

"Oh god!" Remus dismissed, "Not like that! Look, it's here!" He moved to pull up the plush sleeve of his hoodie until it was up to his shoulder, revealing a brown, leathery scar stretching along his upper arm. "I cover it with makeup most of the time, like at the party last week. Lily taught me how."

Remus presumed the question of what happened threatened to leap from Sirius's tongue, but he kept his lips pressed firmly closed. Carefully, Sirius's hand reached across, and for a moment, Remus thought he might touch the skin, and his stomach filled with anxious butterflies.

Sirius's hand dropped suddenly, and he grabbed the fags in the same manner as Remus, pulling one out and lighting it in one smooth movement.

(Remus tried not to let the fact that Sirius didn't touch him bother him.)

Sirius was far too gorgeous in the light from the moon and lampposts, Remus thought. It was awfully unfair. He had to force himself to stare at the moth once again, looking like nothing more than a shadow, to stop himself from gazing at Sirius, cheekbones highlighted, jaw sharp and tense, lips curled around the cigarette end.

"Well, you got what you asked for, at least." He smiled, small and forceful.

"Huh?"

Sirius's back stiffened and eyes shot open a little wider before he settled again. "Oh yeah, you don't remember. You said I didn't know anything about you and you didn't know anything about me."

"Oh." Remus realized Sirius was on about Halloween, but his words bought back no other memories from that night. "Did we talk about anything else?"

Sirius seemed to tense again a little, "No. Well, we argued, you stormed out and ended up at Lily's place according to her."

"Oh."

The air fell awkward - not the usual, angry tension that lingered between them, but just... stubborn.

"Looking forward to going back to classes?" Remus asked, forced, in a painful attempt to clear the air. Sirius suddenly leapt from his place on the bench.

"No, no no no, I don't do small talk, screw that!" He cried, irked and aggravated. He grabbed his fags and lighter, looking at Remus one last time, "I'm off to bed. See you, I guess." 

Remus didn't turn to watch Sirius walk back towards the doors of the dorm block, choosing to listen to the sound of his bare feet padding against the stone slabs, but as he heard the door unlock and open, he called out.

"Thanks, by the way."

"Don't mention it," Sirius shouted back.

"But-"

"Lupin, don't mention it, seriously. Don't get me wrong, I still fucking hate you."

"Good. I still hate you too." 

Remus was glad Sirius couldn't see the smile on his lips.

He heard another step and the door close as Sirius headed back up the staired and into the dorm rooms. Now he was alone and he couldn't feel the comforting heat radiating from Black, Remus shivered in the cold of the night. Not wanted to stand up right away after chainsmoking for what felt like an hour, he stayed in his spot, legs under his jumper, staring at the moth in the distance.

Remus was feeling less guilty than normal as he thought back to Sirius, hair shining in the moonlight and head tilted slightly back as he stared into space.

For the first time ever, being gay seemed normal.

It wasn't a burden or something to bring him guilt. Boys were pretty.  _ Sirius _ was pretty.  _ Is. Sirius is pretty. _

He watched as the moth fluttered towards him, settling on the bench beside him in the same spot Sirius had been five minutes prior.

It was around two inches long, fat and fluffy, with white and hickory coloured markings. It's small wings rippled and twitched a little in the wind, but it made no attempt to fly away, even as Remus leant a little further over it to get a good look. 

He recognised it as a Hummingbird Hawk Moth, suddenly taken back to the little cottage in Wales where he and his parents would sit out in the evenings, watching the bees and the butterflies in the garden.

Remus never used to believe in symbolism or spiritual guidance.

Butterflies represented life, Hope had always told him.  _ The lesson of the butterfly is letting go of old behaviour and presenting into the next phase of existence _ , she smiled to her husband's dismay, who dismissed it as 'hippy bullshit'.

Somehow, Remus sided with his father, not really understanding how creatures could have such analogy or be so important to a person's life and actions.

When he saw the front garden filled with Brimstone Butterflies the day he and his mother left, Remus finally believed her.

Shivering more than before, Remus headed indoors, giving a last glance to the moth on the bench.

Remus pulled to duvet up to his chin, shuffling from his left to his right until he was laid down comfortably, eyes narrowed and squinting at his phone screen. 

He couldn't get the image of that fascinating moth out of his mind, and he desperately wished his mun was awake to ask her what it meant.

Google was the next best thing, and he clicked the first link he saw.

_ The moth represents - in spiritual terms - that we must focus on the correct direction and that we must not allow others to transform us. In this case, Moth symbolism is reminding you to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself. In other words, the Moth meaning is asking you to be mindful of the fact that you are using your emotions to keep yourself protected from others. Moth symbolism also dictates that you must also trust that you will eventually see the light. Even if things seem to be complicated right now, use your heart to guide you. _

It didn't take long for him to realise why the moth had sat by him, floated and hovered around while he sat outside, even after Sirius had left. Expecting to spend another hour attempting to decipher the symbolism of a bloody moth, Remus was pleasantly surprised, and relieved, to know he had it all figured out.

_ Moth symbolism is reminding you to be aware that you could be hiding from yourself. _

Lily and his mother had been saying the same thing since the days he told them both. Why did it take a damn moth for him to listen?!

The turned off his phone after making sure his alarm was set ready for his early lectures and plugged it in, settling it under his pillow.

_ Even if things seem to be complicated right now, use your heart to guide you. _

Remus smiled to himself.

He needed to tell Peter.


	8. Anger Management With Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya'll are gonna be so confused at the end of this  
> that's the point  
> :)
> 
> don't hate me hhhhh

Sirius

James reached over his head, grabbing the teabags from the cupboard and throwing one into each mug.

"Okay, I have so __ many things to say about this, Sirius..."

Sirius felt his chest tense as he grabbed the milk from the fridge, electing to stay on the other side of the kitchen as far away from James as possible.

"Go ahead..."

"Well, firstly, I thought you totally hated the guy?"

Sirius couldn't get the words 'I do' out of his mouth.

"Secondly, you literally sat outside smoking and talking for an hour. By Sirius Black standards, that was a date."

Rolling his eyes, Sirius moved to shove the milk into his friend's hands, laughing slightly as James fumbled to get a grip on it. James poured in the boiling water from the kettle and then the milk. "It was not a date, James."

"Well, what did you talk about then? Because it wasn't the weather for sure, you hate small talk!"

"It wasn't small talk," Sirius grabbed his mug from the counter and took a sip, "It was almost like 20 questions," He snorted humourlessly.

James leant back on the counter, one hand clutching his drink and the other slipping through his dark locks exhaustedly. "Sirius, imma be honest mate, I'm confused. You both say you don't want a thing to do with each other, but you basically eyefuck in the hallway and now you're getting to know one another. All the while you say you still hate him and he says he still hates you!"

"Because we do!" Sirius slammed his mug onto the counter before taking a breath. The last thing he wanted was for it to escalate into another argument. "We don't eyefuck. I don't even think he's gay, anyway, even if I did."

_ Dad thinks he's homophobic... _ He bit his tongue to stop himself from blurting out, not wanting to distress James.

James, whose face appeared to turn dark and bleak, slouch further against the countertop. "Come to think of it, Lily hasn't mentioned him being gay. It sounded like they both had some thing a couple of years back when they first met, too."

Clinging to the last of his hope, Sirius questioned, "Bi, maybe?"

"No, no..." James mumbled at he chewed on his thumbnail, abandoning his mug for the time being, "I'd be able to tell if he was. But you admit, you have a thing for him?" He sounded far more genuine, worlds away from the smug teasing tone he previously insisted on using.

_ Did  _ Sirius have a thing for him?

Sirius tried to tell himself it wasn't a stupid question, even if it was. Of course he had a thing for Remus. He'd spent the last 46 days trying to tell himself he wasn't into Lupin, and spent around 45 of those days imagining how many different ways he could bend him over the kitchen table and make him scream his name.

"If you're asking if I'd take him to bed if he offered, Prongs, then yes, I would. But nothing more. It's simply lust, brother!" Sirius seemed to sing, chin high in the air and knuckles turning white as he gripped his mug.

"If you say so. Well, I'm going to try and remain friends with him for Lily, and he does seem like a pretty cool person."

"Go for it, but I'm not joining you." He snided.

The pair made no move to sit at the kitchen table, instead standing in the uneasy silence, drinking their tea and avoiding eye contact. 

That wasn't exactly the scenario where Sirius wanted to tell his brother he had the hots for Lupin - he'd rather not have told him at all - but it was out in the open now and Sirius seemed to feel a weight lifted from his shoulders.

Now he just needed to figure out if he was gay or homophobic (because Sirius was sure he was one or the other).

James moved to put his cup in the sink.

"So, uh-" He stammered, interrupting the humming from the light fixture and the sound of Sirius's painted nails tapping against the marigold porcelain mug, "What time are you off to see the younger?"

"You can call him Regulus, you know?"

"I know."

Shocked that his eyes didn't see the back of his skull, Sirius dismissed James, moving to put his own mug beside his friends'. He huffed awkwardly.

"About that..." Sirius said.

Prongs looked up, eyebrows raised and face brooding. 

There was a knock at the apartment door.

"You did  _ not _ !" James screeched at Sirius, suddenly jumping about and pacing back and forth, looking as though he was wishing the floor would swallow him whole.

"Well I wanted him to see the dorms and we were spending a fortune on coffee every week, James!"

Sirius felt a tight grip on his shoulders as James shook him back and forth, chewing on his lower lip, "You could have warned me so I could  _ get the fuck away _ !"

There was another knock at the door, three raps against the wood coming in quick succession.

Sirius looked James dead in the eyes, before smirking.

"Come in!"

The apartment door could be heard opening through the wall, and Sirius thought James was about to melt in a panicked puddle.

Turning away from his friend, Sirius looked over to the doorway of the kitchen to see his brother stood in the corridor watching in. 

Once upon a time, looking at Regulus Black was like looking into a mirror for Sirius. They'd had the same sunken eyes, pursed lips and perfectly straight, glossy hair pulled into a low ponytail. They'd both held an undeniably aristocratic air around them, and the only difference between the pair was the two inches of extra height Sirius had on his brother.

That was all out of the window now, obviously. 

Regulus stood taller than his older brother, hair cut short and falling in front of his eyes in a way that no doubt made his mother rage, eyes still sunken and dark. Chin raised in the air, he stepped into the kitchen, almost arrogantly, and smirked. 

"Sirius."

"Hey, Reg." Sirius sighed, pleased, pulling his brother into a quick hug, surprised as Regulus hugged back.

He'd only been doing that again recently, and Sirius couldn't express how grateful he was.

After a moment, Regulus pulled back, smiling at his brother, small but genuine, and turned to James. His face faltered slightly, returning to the lifeless, formal expression Sirius had become painfully acquainted with throughout their childhood. He stuck his hand out and nodded towards James.

"Potter."

James stuck his own hand out, clasping Regulus's firmly, giving one movement as a way of a handshake.

"Black."

Sirius smirked. "Fucking hell you two!" He laughed, clapping them both on the back as they let go of each other. Sirius desperately wanted to point out the ever so slight blush on each of their cheeks, but chose his life over a small laugh. He pushed playfully against their shoulders, guiding them to the kitchen table. "This isn't some business meeting, lads! Act friendly, for me," Sirius winked at the pair.

Letting himself be lead to a seat, Regulus tugged on the bottom of his grey shirt, clearing his throat and giving a forced smile. "Yes, of course, brother. My apologies, James, how have you been? Sirius mentioned you finally got a date with Miss Evans. That  _ must _ be nice." 

Sirius watched as Regulus sat down in the far right seat, furthest away from the door, and how James sat opposite him. Taking a seat next to his brother, Sirius rested his elbows on the table, watching the painfully awkward exchange unfold.

"Y-yes I do. I'm taking her for dinner in a couple of weeks when we're both free." James jabbered, voice turning a little harsh and clearer, as it often did when he was uncomfortable.

_ Inviting Reg here was so worth it. _

"Oh?" Regulus tilted his head slightly, lips twitching in an amused scowl, "Taking this one for dinner, are you? What a shame that not everyone is blessed with the James Potter Treatment." He dared.

As James's eyes narrowed and mouth opened, likely ready to spit back some backhanded compliment in the same manner as Reg, Sirius clapped, suddenly bringing two pairs of eyes to him and beamed anxiously.

"So! How have you been Reg?"

"Well. Work has been tiring but I enjoy it nonetheless." He smiled, clasping his hands together and resting them on the table.

_ This is nice _ , Sirius thought, looking at his brother's small smile and content eyes,  _ I haven't seen him look like that since we were small... _

"We'll help you, you know," James avowed, civil but clearly still pissed off, leaning on the table and looking anywhere but at Reg.

"For the last time," He huffed, "I don't want yours, or Sirius's, or your parents help. Sirius got out of that hell hole on his own, and so can I."

Sirius couldn't help but blame himself for Regulus's stubbornness - he might have gotten out alone but he knew he had the Potters to go to if things went to crap (which it did).

Shaking his head, Sirius smiled, "Fine, fine. But, if you can't find the money or a flat, or they find out, let me know, okay?"

"Of course, Sirius. And you, James."

Regulus rarely ever said thank you, but Sirius knew that was what he was trying to say as his shoulders seemed to relax and his eyes brightened a little. Reg continued, "Mother doesn't seem to have a clue so far. She thinks I spend my free time studying or with Andy - which she doesn't like of course, but I tell her I'm trying to convince her to leave Ted and take Dora with her and she shuts up. So, I see you on Tuesdays, and have shifts the rest of the week."

Continuing to explain how he was planning to leave home, Regulus detailed how he got paid cash-in-hand and stored the money in a box at their Aunt Andromeda's house. Sirius couldn't help but feel his heart swell with pride and relief - Reg was doing it! They were both doing it! Going off of his estimations, Regulus would have enough money to leave and get his own place in only a few months, and they'd finally be free from the grasps of their abusive family.

Reaching his arm across, Regulus took Sirius's hand, squeezing it in comfort. "We'll get there, Sirius, I promise. I'll start Uni next year, too, and then we can move as far away as you want."

Sirius looked up at his brother, eyes wide in pride, watering with tears that threatened to spill as a smile stretched across his face. He said nothing, simply squeezing his hand back.

From out in the hall, James, Sirius and Regulus could hear the front door opening. Sirius used the sleeve of his jacket to wipe away the not-quite-tears from his eyes, ignoring the slight laughter from both his brothers in the background.

An interrupting cough came from the doorway.

Sirius looked up, smile faltering as he saw a mop of messy brown hair and bright amber eyes.

He hadn't spoken to his roommate since their spontaneous midnight meeting two nights before, and he had no intention to start now.

"Oh- Hello," Lupin smiled, speaking directly to Regulus, rather than James or Sirius, eyes bright as he looked at the boy.

Sirius couldn't help the bubble of jealousy deep in his chest as Regulus's dark eyes scanned Remus, eyebrow raised and eyelids hooded. Sirius also couldn't help the burning want to slap that look off of his brothers face.

"Well, hi. You never called, sweetheart." Reg teased, lips curving into a smirk.

_ Sweetheart?! _

"I'm sorry," Sirius exclaimed, recoiling back and waving his arms in upheaval, "Do you two know each other?!"

"Ryder and I-"

"Your friend here-"

Lupin and the younger Black spoke at once, laughing slightly as they infringed one another, and Remus took another step into the room.

_ Ryder?! _

"I felt it would be smart to have a different name while at work, Sirius. Regulus isn't very common," He smiled as Sirius realised he must have spoken out loud. "My name is Regulus Black, although my name tag at work says otherwise," He continued, now studying Lupin, "I do hope you forgive me."

Remus took yet another step into the kitchen, hair shining under the flickering yellow light of the dulling bulbs - Sirius distracted himself with a reminder to call maintenance when he had the chance.

"Oh, of course!" Lupin smiled, as wide and happy as he only seemed to when talking to Lily or Peter, and now apparently his brother, too. "Ry-Regulus and I met when I went to Starbucks the day after the Halloween party."

Regulus bit his lip, giving his brothers dormmate another look over. Sirius wondered if James wished he was anywhere else but here. Glancing over to him, however, James's gaze was flicking between the three of them and he looked no less than amused.

"So, you must be the Remus Lupin my brother dearest has been going on about all these weeks," Regulus said coyly

Remus seemed to shiver under the watchful eye of Sirius's brother (or Sirius, he hoped slightly as he realised he too was staring). "Y-yes, I am. Sorry, I have a lecture to get to, I only came back to grab some books ready- so yeah, I'm going to go!" He stammered, seemingly flustered, and turned on his heel to run out of the kitchen.

Sirius could hear the apartment open and slam shut as Remus left the flat, not running back to his room to grab the books he apparently needed.

_ What the fuck happened between him and my brother? _

"Nothing happened, Sirius," Regulus said, voice laced with humour, "I gave him my number when he came in, but he never called, so there."

Hearing a snort from opposite him, Sirius glared at James.

"Did you know about this?!"

"What the fuck, Sirius? No! I'm the last person to be talking to your brother after-"

"Okay," Sirius huffed apologetically, "Okay. Forget I asked."

There was a pause of awkward silence.

"Jealous, brother?" Regulus leered, leaning back in his seat and crossing his legs. He raised his head, looking down at Sirius in a mocking elegance. "You always said Lupin was never up for making friends, but he seemed more than happy to see me!"

Sirius felt his skin prick with immovable anger - flaming anger that he didn't know why he had it, but it clung to his flesh and burnt his insides nonetheless. 

"Why the fuck were you looking at him like that?!" Sirius scoffed, glowering at his little brother, "You looked at him like he was a glass of water and you were seconds away from dying of de-fucking-hydration! I'm surprised you didn't grab him and just fuck him against the god damn fridge with me and James still fucking watching!" He seethed, ignoring the burst of laughter from James that he cut short by slapping his own hand over his mouth, focusing more on the unexplainable urge to punch his brother square in the jaw.

"Why am I not allowed to look at him like that?"

Sirius didn't know.

He wished he did, he  _ really  _ did. He didn't own Remus and his brother could shag any boy or girl he wanted, so why couldn't he get with Lupin?

_ Because  _ you  _ want to get with Lupin _ , a snarky voice in the forefront of his mind provided.

"I-"

"Why, is he yours?" Reg interrupted with the same amused waspish tone, "Because by the sounds of it, you two still don't even seem to be friends."

"No, he isn't  _ mine _ , but you can stay away from him" Sirius spat, still vexed.

James' shoulders quaked with agitated laughter as he glanced between the pair. "You two never did like to share!"

Regulus's face brightened suddenly, leaning forwards to look his brother directly in the eyes, ignoring James's little jab. Sirius folded his arms and balled his hands into a fist in a poor effort to cling onto the last remains of his self-control and sanity.

"Oh! I get it now!" Regulus smiled, falsely innocent, " _ You  _ have a thing for him! You don't  _ hate  _ Lupin, do you? In fact, I think you rather like him!"

"I do not like Lupin." Sirius's voice was calm, unwavering, grave.

"Oh, yes you do, brother!"

James rose from his seat, folding his arms and stepping to the door. "I think you ought to go, Regulus. Let Sirius cool down and he'll call you after your shift tomorrow."

"You don't get to tell me what to do, Potter, not now"

Both narrowed their eyes, not looking over to Sirius, who dug his nails hard into his palms, focusing on his breathing as to not lash out again.

"Well, now I'm telling you, Reg. Please, just go."

"Will you be honest with yourself, now?"

_ No.  _ "Goodbye, Regulus..." Sirius smiled strenuously, also raising from his seat and moving to stand next to James, who hastily placed his hand on his brother's shoulder in comfort (and likely to stop him from doing anything stupid, too).

Regulus mirrored him, before walking out of the kitchen door. He turned to look between the pair and smiled small. "Sirius. Potter."

Spinning around again, he left the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

Sirius let out a breath he didn't know he was holding and slumped against the counters, James' hand still firm on his shoulder.

"Sorry you had to see that... I need to get my anger under control." He mumbled, rubbing his face in exhaustion, pressing his cheeks into his palms.

James gave a bark of laughter, "Don't apologize mate! I found it rather entertaining. I forgot how hilariously snide your brother can be when he wants something..."

Looking up and peering through his fingers, Sirius smirked at James - even though he couldn't see it. "Is that why it never worked out with you two..?" He was sure James could hear the taunting in his voice.

"I-! But-! Nothing  _ happened  _ between me and him for anything to have  _ not  _ worked! Stop acting like there was something that there wasn't!" James' face went red, stammering and scowling at Sirius. Sirius, on the other hand, grabbed the counter as he cried with laughter.

"I know! I know! But your face! It was so funny!!" Breathing deep through his nose, he tried to stifle his laughter, but failed and began spluttering again, "Oh man! Inviting him here was so worth it!"

"You lied to him."

"Huh?" Sirius looked up to see James looking deadpan, eyebrows raised. The laughter had suddenly stopped as James turned pressing.

"You told him you don't like Remus?"

"I don't!" Sirius spilled, "I think he's hot but I don't like him. Reg made out as if it was some stupid school crush, like you and Evans!"

"Oi!" James burst, dramatically gripping his side and looking offended as Sirius began to laugh again.

"Chill! I was joking!" He teased, seizing James' shoulders, "Now come on! I've had enough drama for one day, I fancy KFC!"


	9. Chrysanthemum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It can only get better from here folks!
> 
> (Implied homophobia, being outed and child abuse, but all very minimal)
> 
> <3<3

Remus

Pain in the way of a dulling ache spread through Remus's hand as he saw his knuckles turning white, nails becoming embedded in the flesh of his palm. His fist was raised, hovering only millimetres from the wood.

_ Do it, you coward. _

His fist fell forward, hitting the door.

Once. Twice. A third time.

As soon as he knocked, his brain began shouting at him.

_ He won't care! _

_ You're just going to burden them! _

_ Why are you even bothering?! _

_ How has it taken you this long to tell him? You're a coward! _

_ Baby! _

_ Screw-up! _

Dismissing his own head, Remus smiled in false reassurance, lifting his chin and letting his hand fall back to his aide.

"Come in!" A voice, muffled but clearly happy, called from the other side of the door.

Opening the door, Remus saw Peter sat on his bed, legs crossed and back leaning against his plush green pillows. He had a book open in front of him that Remus guessed was a recipe book, and a box of Jelly Babies in one hand.

"Want one?" Pete grinned, lifting the box and offering it to Remus. Suddenly feeling squeamish, he shook his head.

"N-no thanks... If you're busy-"

"Nope!" Peter smiled, shutting the book and throwing it to the floor with little grace. He patted the space on his bed opposite him. "I always have time for you Rem! Tell me if I'm wrong, but you seem like you've needed to talk to me for a few days..?" He coaxed. 

Remus moved through the room, stepping over charger cables and an array of books, and hopped on the bed. He tried to settle, drawing his knees to his chest and hugging his legs, but found himself shaking none the less.

"Y-yeah... I have..." He gnawed on his lower lip and stared at his thumbnail. Remus could see the free edge coming just over his flesh, white against the pinker tones of his nail bed. He continued to stare at where the nail bed met the lunula and where the lunula met the cuticle, finding the anatomy of this thumb far more interesting than Peters bright but worried eyes.

"I won't judge you for whatever it is, Rem! We had the best times working at that shithole of a smoothie shop, and we've had good times here too, even if we haven't hung out much! I'll always be here for you and whatever you're going to say or ask won't change that..."

Remus still couldn't manage to look up.

It felt so much harder than telling his art teacher, who he trusted a lot less, or telling Lily after that night in the summer before year 12. 

His skin felt clammy, fear crawling up his chest and wrapping around his throat, restricting his breathing, and he knew if he wasn't on his meds, he would be feeling so much worse.

_ Just say it, coward! _

"I-" Remus interrupted himself with a sob, tears falling down his cheeks and he dropped his forehead to his knees, crying harder than he's expected to.

A hand came to rest on the back of his head, and Remus felt Peter move his thumb back and forth, stroking over his hair and soothing him.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm not here to judge, I love you! You tell me when you're ready, okay! Not for any other reason than because you want to."

"I-I-I do!" He choked out, head shooting up to meet Peter's blue eyes, dark and panicked. "It's just so hard! But I want to - need to - tell you..."

"Okay."

"I-" Remus began again.

He thought back to the moment he told his art teacher in July of 2017, just a few days before summer break, one hand on the back of his neck and other deep in this blazer, running his fingertip along the ridges of the pencil at the bottom. He could recite his fumbling little speech as if it was only yesterday he was stood in that art studio, smelling the paint in the air and seeing the pencil shavings across the floor. He'd stammered about hating himself for looking at boys like that, for wanting to kiss them or hold their hand, how he hated not being like his friends and he just wanted someone to tell him being gay was normal, because 'It is normal, isn't it, Sir?'

His teacher didn't look pleased or displeased, exactly. Just told him with a sigh, 'Thanks for letting me know, get to your next class.'

The feeling of walking through the front door of their petite little cottage the next day would never leave him - that undeniably feeling of dread and self-hatred and resentment deep in his soul. The pitying, pleading look on his mothers face, sat on the armchair in the back of the living room, said all he needed to know before he looked up to this father, towering and intimidating, arms folded over his chest and expression that was nothing but enraged and disappointed.

Hope had been fine, of course! She assured him that she loved him all the same, that she's already assumed he was but wanted him to say in his own time, that he was still her son and always would be.

His dad hadn't quite been so accepting.

Lily had also been fine - a little awkward, considering the circumstances, but she was more than content. 

Another feeling Remus would never forget was Lily hurridly pressing her lips to his, smiling against them with her eyes closed and hand resting gently on his arm. He'd sat for a moment, eyes wide and heart hammering in his chest before he pushed her away with a shout.

_ "I'm gay! Like, really, super gay!" He blabbered, face red and hands shaking. _

_ "Like... not into girls at all..?"  _

_ "Nope!" _

_ He panicked, anxious that Lily would flip out, accusing him of leading her on for the 6 weeks of summer, and he prepared to jump up and run away. Instead, Lily's shoulders began to shake, and she gave a snort of renounced humour. _

_ "Oh, man! I can't believe I didn't cotton on - I thought this was a date!" _

_ Lily continued to laugh, happy and loud, and eventually, with his heart rate settling and tremours coming to a stop, Remus could laugh along to. _

Remus looked up. 

Peter seemed nervous, pained and searching.

_ Who am I kidding? _

This was Peter, for god's sake! This was Peter who nagged him to take his meds every lunch of their shift together, the same Peter who knew his drinks order like the back of his hand, gave hugs that could keep you happy for years, with a wide beam that lit up the whole room. The Peter who still pestered him for calling him Wormtail after The Rat Incident two years ago, and accepted him back into his life after two years of ghosting like it was nothing.

Looking into bright blue eyes, Remus sighed.

"I'm gay."

Peter broke out into a toothy grin, cheeks red and happy, "Okay!" He exulted, "I'm proud of you for telling me!"

"Wait... what?" Remus felts his hands shaking again, muscles twitching and palms clammy, "You don't hate me?"

"Of course not!" He smiled, but somewhat offended that Remus expected him to kick off, "You're still Rem to me! And, can I be honest?"

"O-of course"

"I kinda guessed it, anyway" Peter grinned sheepishly, taking two Jelly Babies from the box he still had on his lap, offering one to Remus who took it this time.

"Y-y-you did?!" He squeaked.

_ Who else had noticed? Was he being really obvious about it? Did everyone hate him now? Would James and Sirius want him to move out? Would he- _

"Mhm! Mate, I didn't have a clue back at Simply, but you and Sirius-" Peter was cut off by the groan pulled from Remus's throat as he buried his head in his hands, "-You two bicker like an old married couple!"

"That's not an indication of my sexuality!"

"I know I know!" Pete raised his hands, laughing. His voice calmed for a moment, and he looked at Remus once again, "Have you told them? James and Sirius, I mean?"

"Not yet," Remus admitted, unsure if he was ready to tell them. Sirius - and Sirius's own brother, if he was entirely honest with himself - was the main reason he wanted to come out in the first place, in some sick twisted game of irony.

He couldn't just admit to the one person he hated that he found him hot, could he? 

He'd just have to avoid the topic.

"I know I need to, though, at some point."

Remus wasn't sure how Peter convinced him to tell them.

Now, he was stood in the doorway of the living room, shaking as he stared at James and Sirius on the sofa. Pete hadn't been pushy about it, of course, just suggested he got in over and done with, assuring he'd be stood by him the whole time. And he was; Peter stood firmly next to him, hand in his, gripping tightly.

"Remus has something he'd like to tell you..." Peter encouraged gently, looking at Remus beatific and assuaging.

James glanced up from his phone briefly to nod, while Sirius closed the notepad he held in his fingers, resting it on the arm of the sofa along with the pen and watching Remus intently.

The words 'I'm gay' seemed to tumble out of his mouth as though they were nothing, and despite the breath that caught in his throat as Sirius's eyes widened, he knew everything he'd seen online was right - every time you say those words, every time you announce who you are, it gets a little easier.

Remus flickered between looking at James and Sirius. Sirius stared, wild-eyed and silent, mostly unreadable other than the fact you could tell he was shocked.

James shrugged his shoulders.

"'Kay."

Peter smirked beside him and Remus wasn't sure he'd ever been more confused.

"'Kay? So... you don't care..?" He drawled out.

"Nope."

"Oh. Okay."

A snort came from beside him, and Remus saw Peter, clutching his sides and tears rolling down his plump cheeks in a burst of mostly silent laughter.

"P-Prongs! He doesn't know! He had no clue!" He continued to cackle.

"Don't know what? What don't I know, James? Black?"

Sirius offered no help, staring slack-jawed and still silent, and James kept his eyes on his phone - Remus could see his lips twitching in a small smirk he was trying to hide.

"You really have no clue?" He grinned.

"Not one!"

James tossed his phone onto the coffee table, simply pulled up his sleeve and pushed his wrist forward, arm outstretched in Remus's direction. 

On his wrist was a small, cotton chevron bracelet, with distinct pink, purple and blue arrows.

"I-"

Turning to his right, he grabbed Sirius's wrist (who was still staring in shock) and mimicked the actions, showing off a matching rainbow bracelet on his thin, pale arm.

"Y-you're both gay," Remus stated dumbly. The response he got was Potter widening his eyes, nodding slowly as if to say 'took you fucking long enough to realize'!

Which was exactly what Remus was saying to himself now.

Laughter continued to fill the air as Peter now grabbed onto the doorframe, spluttering apologies - 'Sorry Rem! But it's so funny! I had to wait for you to tell them!'

"Anyway," James continued, bringing one foot to the sofa and resting his chin on his raised knee, "I knew you took it up the arse from the moment I saw you and Sirius on Halloween!"

Peter stopped laughing.

Remus guessed that if Sirius hadn't previously been frozen, he would be now. 

The air came unbearably thick and Remus didn't know why.

"What happened with them on Halloween?" Peter asked naively.

"I was about to ask the same thing, Wormy..."

Cocking his head, James turned puzzled, "In the kitchen? I walked in on you two-"

"Arguing!" Sirius cried, snapping from his wax-like trance, face bright red, likely from being caught staring, Remus thought.

"No, you were-"

"Yes!" He called again, "We were arguing! I called him boring, and  _ apparently _ , Lupin here gets mad when he's drunk. He ended up at Lily's. I told him about it on Sunday night!"

Eyes shining and wide, Sirius seemed to silently plead for some backup, presumably from Remus, for some bizarre reason.

Nevermind the previous gay panic,  _ this  _ was the most confused Remus had ever been.

"Y-yeah..." Lupin monotoned, narrowing his eyes at the dark-haired boy on the sofa, "Yeah, I got annoyed. We shouted for a bit but then I stormed out," He lied.

"What's going on?" Peter hissed under his breath as James looked derisive at Sirius.

"Not a clue," Remus admitted back in a whisper.

The air stayed claustrophobic, suffocating as James and Sirius exchanged strange and unreadable looks, Peter and Remus leaning on one another in the doorway.

Suddenly, after another few awkward glances, James spun back around, leaning forward and beaming in a bright smile!

"So!" He gushed, "Tell us everything, then! Who was your gay awakening?"

"Who's hotter, Chris Hemsworth or Chris Evans?!" Sirius chirped, any form of shock or tension dissipating instantly from his face.

"Do your parent's know?"

"His mum, James, just his mum."

"How did she take it?"

"How many people have you come out to?!"

They spat out questions hard and fast, Remus shaking his head as he tried to keep up with the words; their faces seemed to get brighter and brighter with each passing query.

Peter laughed, tugging Remus into the room and pushing him down onto the sofa before taking a seat beside him.

"Guys, guys!" He shouted, "Give him a break! He looks terrified!"

"Is this what it's like to come out to everyone?!" Remus squeaked.

Despite the overwhelmingly loud response, Remus wouldn't be mad if this was what it was always like. He finally had people he could talk to! He could talk about being gay with people that weren't his straight mother and straight best friend - even if one of those people hates his guts.

The excitement calmed down, and the questioning began properly.

"Well then?!" Sirius pushed, "Who  _ is _ hotter, Hemsworth or Evans?"

"Hemsworth, duh!"

"Are you out to your mum?" James asked, still excited but with more caution in his voice than previously.

"Yeah, came out to her just before we moved here, so about 3 and a bit years ago? Met Wormy here around six months after that and then Lily before year 12."

"Does Lily know, in case I accidentally tell her?"

"Yeah, she does, don't worry James!" Remus grinned. Sirius narrowed his eyes ever so slightly, before rolling them and pushing up off of the sofa.

"Alright, questioning over, I want a fag! Coming, Lupin?"

They settled on the same bench as the four days before, this time under the late afternoon sun and chilly autumn air, rather than the light of the moon and the midnight winds.

Words caught on the tip of Remus's tongue as he licked along the free edge of the rolling paper and pulled the lighter from his tobacco pouch.

_ What happened on Halloween? _

Sirius broke the silence first, crossing his legs and lighting up his cigarette.

"So, a new baby gay in the flat, huh?" He smirked, glancing over to Remus who felt heat rising to his face.

"I-I guess so. I mean, I've been out to mum for a few years, as well as Lily, but no one else. I've never been to pride, never dated, so I guess this is all still new to me."

"Proud of you," Sirius huffed, as though forced to say it.

"Excuse me?"

"Oi! I was being nice!" Black took another long drag, and Remus found himself entranced by the way his lips pressed against the filter and the smoke slipped into his mouth, breathed out again in wispy white curls. "Coming out isn't easy. You're still a right dickhead, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of my own community."

"Thanks."

"You and your mum moved because you came out, right? You came out and your parents divorced, then you moved and now you're here?"

Remus stayed quiet, remembering his mothers face as she packed their suitcases with the bare necessities as Remus himself wrapped clingfilm around his arm, crying at the sound of his fathers outraged shouting.

"Your dad did that," Sirius gestured to his left arm with the burning end of his cigarette, "Didn't he?"

"It took a _long_ time to forget the things he said to me that day," Remus mused, hoping Sirius would understand it for the confession it was.

"Well, good. You don't need to remember them anymore, okay? You have your mum, and Evans, and Prongs, and Wormy - why do you call him that, anyway? - and me, if you want to think of me like that. We're more important than one homophobe."

Keeping his lips pressed tightly together, he smiled to Sirius, small but grateful.

"Aight," Black, pushing himself from the bench and crushing the filter between the ground and the sole of his boot, sighed. "I'm heading back in. Meet you up there? I'm sure James has  _ plenty  _ more questions to ask you."

"Yeah, I'll see you up there." Remus stayed in his place, not turning as Sirius plodded away to the door of the apartment block.

As he heard the door unlock, he shouted out, "Black, don't get me wrong, I still fucking hate you."

"Good. I still hate you too." Sirius chuckled, closing the door behind him.

Bringing his leg up, Remus rested his right ankle on his knee, rubbing over the small spot under his ankle bone covered by his sock.

In the distance, by a patch of bright fuchsia flowers on the other end of the courtyard, Remus could see two fluttering creatures; a small Hummingbird Hawk Moth and an even smaller Brimstone Butterfly hovered over the petals.

For a moment, everything seemed okay.


	10. Bets and Belt Buckles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry this is so short hhh

Sirius

"Okay, okay, you were  _ definitely  _ just arguing?" James muttered, raising his eyebrow suspiciously.

"Yes!" Sirius lied back, perhaps a little more forceful than necessary, but James didn't seem to notice.

"Okay... It's just, it looked like Remus had his hands, like,  _ all over you _ !"

"Nope, you must have been more drunk than you thought!" He laughed, "Why did you not ask me about it before, Prongs?"

Sirius wasn't entirely sure how he was pulling it off! He thought it would have been obvious that he and Lupin were doing something other than fighting, but apparently Remus's hands on this thighs and hand above his head just weren't quite enough to convince James. He had always been rather gullible...

"I-I dunno..." James rubbed the back of his neck and Sirius reached up to fix his friends collar, "I guess I wanted to mention it back at Mum and Dads, but I knew how upset you got, and then the next time I was going to say something, Re- your brother was there, and so Thursday seemed like the right time? I don't know, sorry, I should have said earlier."

"Nah, it's fine, mate," Sirius smiled, flattening the collar one last time with his palms and stepped back.

James finished taming his hair as best as he could and glanced at himself in the mirror. He hadn't gone too out of his comfort zone, settling for a more formal looking deep blue shirt and black jeans, but stood admiring himself in the mirror none the less.

"You scrub up well, Prongs," Sirius smirked, "Shame you chose my brother over me!" He cackled as James shoved his shoulder, once calmed hair bouncing in wild flicks again.

"Ay! Shut it!" He barked with no real bite to it, smiling as he looked down at his watch, "Right, I better get going! The table's booked for 6:30 so I need to be at hers for... quarter past, I think! Her dorms on the other end of campus so I ought to head off! Thanks for helping me with my outfit, gay boys always did have a better taste in style than us!" He chuckled as he walked out of Sirius's bedroom, his brother trailing along behind him. 

Sirius waved him off at the door, wishing him luck on 'finally convincing Evans you aren't a total tosser!' before heading back into his room.

In silence.

He'd only been in the room for ten seconds before determining the silence to be too deafening, thoughts he'd much rather not be thinking clouding his head.

His record player - mahogany, second hand and tattered - was on his desk, and he grabbed the first record he could from the crate of vinyl sleeves at the end of his bed, pulling the disk from the paper and placing it gently on the turntable. He adjusted the needle and the song began to play.

He paced his room in thirty seconds of white noise, before the first few notes of the song began to fade in, filling the room with beats and bass and riffs and dispelling that previously painful silence.

_ I don't need to sell my soul _

_ He's already in me _

_ I wanna be adored _

He'd spent the past eight days doing nothing other than surrounding himself with people and sound and things to do, because one night alone with his thoughts made him realise his mind was a dangerous place to hover.

For the first time, perhaps ever, his mind wasn't plagued by thoughts of his parent, or his disastrous coming out, or his brother, or anything that  _ actually needed _ his attention. No, Sirius had spent the past 8 days thinking of his insufferably hot roommate, and he couldn't bear it anymore!

_ Remus Lupin is gay _ seemed to be the only words his brain seemed able to conjure, reminding him that these constant daydreams of lips on lips and hand in hair weren't entirely unobtainable.

"He just totally hates my guts and wants nothing to do with me!" Sirius mumbled aloud to no one in particular, as though he was trying to convince  _ himself  _ of the matter.

_ Does he hate my guts though? _

Halloween still haunted his mind, and until that fateful day 8 days prior, he'd seen The Kitchen Incident as a taunt, a homophobic attempt at mocking his sexuality.

Sirius flopped onto his bed, head hitting his pillow and back sinking into the mattress.

Now he knew that it wasn't like that for so many reasons.

Lupin wasn't homophobic, of course. The total opposite - Remus was as queer as he was! And he hadn't even known Sirius was gay, either, so he couldn't have been mocking something that he didn't know a thing about.

Not to mention Lupin had no experience whatsoever, he basically admitted, so why would he make such an insinuating move?  _ I've never been to pride, never dated, so I guess this is all still new to me, _ he'd said. 

But...

Not dating was totally different, wasn't it?

Sure, Remus had never had a boyfriend, but he might have done something... Had he kissed someone - kissed a boy, if Sirius was going to think of the specifics here? Perhaps it was no more than a brief touching of lips, with another kid experimenting around the back of the bike shed in his home town. Or maybe it had been more, with tongues running along teeth and hands tangled in hair, maybe with someone older, experienced, and that was his gay awakening? What if it had been a stranger, someone at a far away pub or club where no one would know him, and he could spend the night doing what he liked?

_ Or who he liked _ , Sirius's head supplied for him.

The music was no help, and he could barely hear one The Stone Roses song transitioning into another, all of it sounding like static in the back of his mind.

His bedroom door was still open from when James had left, but no one else was in the apartment and he couldn't care less.

_ Let's say he had just found a random stranger in a distant city...  _ Sirius pondered to himself.

What else could have happened? Would it have been more than a snog, perhaps? Maybe his hands had slipped up this stranger's shirt, fingertips gliding over his chest as their lips parted, and Remus nipped and sucked lightly on his neck. What about more? What if Remus had dropped to his knees, looking up at a stranger - who, Sirius couldn't help but note, now had long black hair and combat boots and chains around his neck - smiling innocently.

Just the thought alone made him dizzy, lightheaded as he couldn't be bothered to shove the dreams away. It seemed so much like deja vu as his hand drifted over his belt buckle again, fueled by more than just the thought of Lupin pushing him against the counter. Now, his own fantasy's were taking over.

But the universe hated sexually frustrated gay boys called Sirius Orion Black.

Sirius could hear the latch on the front door unlocking, and heard the slow groaning of the door on its hinges opening, and he sat up fast, jumping like a cat thrown into water - oh, the irony, he thought - and pulled his hand far away from his belt, that same feeling of deja vu washing over him again. 

Heavy steps carried through the hall until Sirius could see Lupin, silky hair falling before his eyes and hands deep in his hoodie pocket, approaching his bedroom door. 

"Black." He smirked, catching Sirius's eye from through the doorway of his room and fiddling around for his key.

"Lupin. How are you?" Sirius realized he was short of breath, words coming out in small pants as he tried to compose himself. 

His eyes drifted over Remus, looking similarly to how Regulus had, uncaring of how Lupin may have noticed him linger on his neck for longer than necessary, or his lips or-

"Well, thanks. Wish I didn't have to go to this next lecture, though. How are you?"

"W-well. No classes for me today, thankfully." Sirius plastered on a smile.

"That's good!" Remus pulled one hand from his pocket, key clutched lightly in his fist. He fiddled for a moment, pushing the key into the lock, turning it and opening the door.

He looked directly at Sirius and smiled.

"Flies are undone, by the way."

In a flurry of embarrassment, Sirius grabbed the front of his jeans to find his zipper firmly done up, along with the button of his jeans and his belt buckle, too.

"Mhm, that's what I thought..." Lupin sniggered, stepping into his room and closing his door.

"Wait, wait wait!" Regulus cried over the till, running about with his apron flowing like a cape, "He walked in on you?!"

"I wasn't doing anything bad!" Sirius insisted, shrugging off his leather jacket, phone slamming down onto the counter. It didn't seem to cross Sirius's mind that the conversation might have been a little unsavoury while Regulus was finishing up making the order, with customers surrounding him and a queue leading out of the door.

"You were getting off! Over him, may I add!"

"I was not!

"You were- Oh, hang on! That's £4.95, thank you! I'll grab you your change now!"

The customer looked more than put out, face stained with the eloquence of choleric and dour, snatching the paper cup Reg has placed before her with less grace than an elephant and storming out without taking the 5 pence piece Regulus was holding out.

Sirius gave a snort and turned back to his brother.

"I was not doing anything bad! I didn't even look like I was!"

"Well, you must have done! And come on, Siri, you were literally thinking of screwing him-"

"-Was not!"

"So don't try and act all innocent!"

Regulus tugged off his apron, and popped his head around the back door, shouting something incoherent. He moved from behind the counter to next to Sirius, and they started to head out, dodging the crowd of angry customers after coffee.

Sirius had never met his brother after his shifts before - or seen him on an occasion that wasn't the specially scheduled meetings they'd attended since Sirius was 16 - but today was more than good enough of an excuse.

He could not stand another minute in that apartment.

Giving him a look (a knowing, judging look), Sirius glared a little at his brother. "You try and call me out like you weren't eyeing him up the last time?"

His brother had a talent, able to say a thousand words with one sigh, and that sigh now seemed to echo in the empty space around the outskirts of campus, telling Sirius to just drop the damn subject already.

"I told you before," He smirked, "He's not yours and I can look all I like. We don't exactly have the most... brotherly relationship, and I have no qualms in upsetting you to get what I want, Sirius."

"You talk about him like he's a piece of candy."

"And we both look at him like that, too. Don't try and criticise me." Regulus's words, while mostly calm and carefree, had an edge on them, sharp enough to cut, and Sirius knew he'd have to take a different approach.

He sighed.

"Let's say, theoretically, I liked Lupin-"

"Theoretically, of course!" Regulus jested, elbowing his brother lightly.

"Yes!" Sirius hissed, "Theoretically! You'd leave him alone then, right? So I could make my move?"

_ Blacks don't beg. _

His mothers - and at one point his brothers - words rung in his ears as he found himself pleading for Regulus's attention to waver, for some inexplicable reason. He  _ didn't  _ like Remus, which was likely the funniest thing about the whole situation; he was asking for something that didn't affect him in anyway shape or form.

Regulus tugged on his arm, pulling him to the side of the pavement they'd been strolling along so they didn't bump into other students around campus or families navigating through the city.

"Look, Sirius, I'll say this once." Regulus denounced, voice thick with no room for argument, "James fucked me over and you know that. I'm sick and tired of sitting back and waiting for good things to happen to me. I have a job, I'm moving out soon, and I  _ want  _ Remus Lupin. Potter was right - we never did like to share. 

The day he says he's in love with you is the day I'll back off. But until then, I'm not stopping until he's mine. Got it?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes.

Blacks didn't ask for things, either, Sirius remembered.

They took what they want. Regulus just proved that, apparently.

_ But two could play at that game. _

"Got it."


	11. Hesitancy in Pink Mugs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wonder how many people are gonna stop reading now~?  
> (this is as explicit as it gets, and this is the only 'mature' scene in the whole pre-planned 30 chapters hahaha)
> 
> Foreword:  
> Virginity is a social construct, you don't have to do ANYTHING with ANYONE, EVER, if you don't want to. Make sure you're happy!  
> But also, if you want to sleep with loads of people, too, go for it! Who cares! Your body is yours and yours alone! <3
> 
> (Warning: Includes homophobia, very brief mentions of one-off child abuse and derogatory use of the gay slur F****t! The one and only time I'll do that, sorry guys!)

Remus

"Well, you've looked worse."

Remus looked up to the kitchen doorway to see Sirius gorgeously highlighted by the flickering kitchen light maintenance still hadn't fixed, bed-head and cotton pyjama bottoms included.

"F'ck off..." Lupin slurred, tearing his eyes away from Sirius and staring back at the spot on the table he had been before. There were a small burn mark thanks to Peter's attempt at dinner a few weeks before, and an ink stain next to it likely courtesy to Remus himself. Remus flopped his head onto the marks.

"Are you drunk?" Sirius tilted his head.

"Yes, on anxiety, self-pity and self-loathing!" Remus declared, almost proud and delirious, forehead still pressed against the inexplicably sticky table.

"And vodka, apparently," He laughed, picking up the half-drunk bottle next to Remus's head. "What's up?"

"Like you care,  _ Black _ ." Remus hissed. He didn't move his head, squeezing his eyes shut, as a fuzzy feeling covered his body and lights flashed a little behind his eyelids. Amongst the humming of the fridge fan and the buzzing of a fly, or perhaps the light, or maybe even Remus's own imagination, he could hear Sirius stepping fully into the kitchen, pulling out a chair and sinking down onto it.

Lifting his head from the table, Remus saw Sirius bringing the rim of the vodka bottle to his own lips and taking a sip - he looked as though he was attempting to cover the wince of the drink burning his throat, but spectacularly failed.

"What?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, "Don't look at me like that, I'm only drinking because I'm not going to try and deal with you sober."

"You don't need to  _ deal with me _ ," He mocked, flailing his hands about before smacking them onto his thighs, "I don't need babysitting."

"No, you don't, but I told you before. You might be a dickhead but I'm not going to let you wallow in self-proclaimed self-pity, and not after this-" He shook the bottle of drink about before it was promptly snatched from his hand, and Remus found himself drinking before he'd realized.

He didn't exactly have a leg to stand on if he argued the point and chose to keep silent, taking little burning sips as he tried to narrow his eyes in disgust - glaring seemed to be more difficult when your eyes were already heavy with exhaustion and intoxication.

"So," Sirius continued as Remus tilted his head back for another shot, "What's got you drinking 40% at 1 am on this fine early December night. It's the holiday season, after all!" He quipped.

With no second of hesitation, Remus reached behind him, grabbing a crumpled and tearstained sheet of paper from the counter, chucking it ungracefully at Sirius's face and slammed down the vodka bottle. 

He didn't need to say a word. Sirius's eyes scanned over the letter, face contorting in expressions of shock and disgust.

Remus had read the letter no less than 15 times now. He could probably stand on the roof and recite it like a monologue.

_ Son, _

_ Sorry for writing so out of the blue, kiddo! I would have text or called, but you and your witch of a mother didn't exactly leave me with any way to contact you. _

_ I've fallen ill. Rather ill, really. I have anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to live, and I want nothing more than to have my son by my bedside when I pass. I haven't much money, so you'd need to find your own means to get here, but I know you love your old man enough to come up here and see me. _

_ Don't get me wrong, kid, I don't forgive you under any circumstance. I will not forgive you for your sin, because no son of mine will be a faggot. I hope that our time apart has given you a chance to get your act together. Perhaps your mother even took you to that conversion therapist I suggested. Can you believe people are trying to ban that, now? _

_ I hope you can put aside our differences long enough for you to come and see me! _

_ Hearing from you, _

_ Father. _

"That bastard!" Sirius seethed, slamming his hand - and in turn, the letter - onto the table, before sliding his palm across the surface and pushing the paper to the floor.

"You're telling me!"

"Don't listen to him, okay! Don't you  _ dare  _ listen to him!" 

Taken back from the pure anger, the hissing in his voice and the fire in his eyes, Remus pushed the bottle across the table. Sirius didn't need to be told twice, and he promptly took a swig.

"I don't get it..." Remus mumbled, brain clouded, "I-I've not even  _ done  _ anything! L-like, okay, boys are pretty, but I haven't  _ done anything _ !" He hiccupped, voice strained and desperate. 

Sirius cocked his head. "What do you mean?"

"Dad hates me because I'm theoretically gay! B-b-but-"

"But you've never tried it?" Sirius suggested.

"Exactly!"

Remus flopped his head down, once again pressing his forehead and the tip of his red nose into the table. 

He seemed to have no filter, declaring things to  _ Sirius Black _ of all people that he couldn't seem to admit to anyone else. He heard a few more fuzzy sounds - a chair against the ground, steps, perhaps water running, and a tiny putter. Glancing up, face still firmly against the table, he saw a mug of water in front of him.

"Drink," Sirius said. "You need to calm down a moment..."

"I'm just-" Remus paused as he raised his head, vision swimming for a moment as Sirius merged into a strangely beautiful white blur, and he took a gulp of water. It was cold, travelling down his throat and soothing the remains of the burning from the alcohol, and Sirius seemed like an angel sent from heaven for a moment. "I'm so annoyed. I never wanted to come out to him, you know? Art teacher called home and told him. I hadn't so much as held hands with another boy, and yet Dad thought it was appropriate to throw a kettle at me."

"He threw a kettle?!"

"Mhm... s'why I have that," He gestured to the spot on his left arm casually, where the leathery skin beneath his jumper served as a reminder of 'his sin' - not that Remus really thought there was anything wrong with it anymore.

Sirius retook his seat opposite Lupin, resting his head in his hands, eyes drooping. 

"I can't believe he did that..."

"Yeah, well, he did," Remus shrugged. "You look shattered-"

"Hhng!" Sirius gave a comically prompt yawn.

"-so you should go back to bed. Sorry if I woke you, I'll head to bed myself, now," 

He screwed the cap back onto the bottle, ready to save it for the next night he needed it, before Sirius's hand darted out across the table and grabbed his wrist.

"No!" He pulled his hand back, "I mean- you were pretty worked up, and I'm really not that tired, we can stay here a little longer if you'd like?"

"Anyone would think you wanted to spend time with me, Black."

"Maybe I do."

Remus hadn't heard that tone before; just enough teasing to conceal the truth, the perfect amount of edge to show he meant it.

"...Okay. But I'm not drinking anymore, I want to sober up a little..." Remus smiled, feeling his head already clearing a little.

Comfortably silence overtook the room as the pair passed the mug - a dusty pink one with a sloth on it - back and forth, sipping the water. Sirius had to get up to refill it a couple of times, but he made no move to just grab a second mug for the other person, and they continued to share it. Every now and then, their eyes met and they smiled, soft and calm.

Remus couldn't help but shake his shoulders in a silent huff of laughter when he smiled at Sirius for the umpteenth time.

"What?" Sirius chuckled nervously, lowering his eyebrows.

Shaking his head, Remus smiled again, "Nothing, don't worry about it, Black."

An hour or so passed, and after many mugs of water - and a couple of orange juice to spice things up - Remus's head felt unfogged, unclouded of the darker thoughts (and alcohol), other than a lingering headache from the stress.

Sirius noticed, suggesting they headed to bed now that it was two in the morning.

"Actually..." Remus bit his lip, asking in a burst of unusual confidence, "I wondered if I could ask you something?"

"Anything."

_ Don't do it. You won't wanna know. You'll regret it. _

"Halloween."

Sirius's shoulders tensed, his jaw clenched a little tighter, his eyes widened and eyebrows raised.

"Fuck..."

"I hope we didn't!" Remus laughed, but cut himself off as Sirius's strange, awkward and almost terrified looking demeanour didn't falter. "Black. I know you lied to me. What happened on Halloween? What did James see, because we  _ clearly  _ weren't arguing."

"We didn't sleep together." He spat with a shaking breath.

"I know that. But something happened, I know it."

"I knew this would bite me in the ass..."

"I think you owe me an explanation." The previously happy atmosphere had gone now - it was dark, tense, and Remus almost regret asking.

Almost.

"I thought you were homophobic, you know," Sirius began, voice quivering a little and shoulders pushed back, "That's why I didn't tell you. I thought you were doing it to taunt me. That you figured out I was gay and you hated me for it and-"

"Get on with it, Black."

Sirius glared. It was weak. Scared.

"You kept staring at me. The whole night, I could feel you watching me wherever I went. I'm not going to say I hated it or I wanted you to stop because I'm not about to lie to myself or to you, okay. But it became too much and so I left the main party and ended up coming into here." He looked to the side, and Remus guessed it was as a way of gesturing to the kitchen around them as he kept his hands firmly gripping each other, resting on the table. "You came in while I was pouring shots and took one from me, and drank it, before-" He cut himself off, smacking his lips closed and his eyes darkened a little, which wouldn't have been noticeable if Remus hadn't been watching so intently.

"Before what, Black?"

"You're sober now, right?" He said. His expression calmed and brightened a little bit. A bulb seemed to have gone off in his head. Remus wondered if he should have been anxious, but he couldn't make himself feel any level of nervousness whatsoever.

"Yes I'm sober- Black, what the hell are you on about now?"

"Let me show you."

He raised from his seat, walking to the other side of the table and stood next to Remus. "Let me show you, Lupin." He smiled.

"I don't think that's entirely appropriate, do you?" Remus asked, finding himself standing anyway as Sirius gripped his wrist, tugging him over to one of the kitchen counters. 

In one swift movement, Remus found his back to the counter, head hitting lightly on the overhead cupboards and Sirius smirked.

"I might..." He bought his palm to the cupboards, resting his hand on them beside Remus's head, "Have to do this a little differently, but I can work with it."

Sirius took a step forward, now chest to chest with Remus. Red flooded to Lupin's face, feeling incredibly hot in the once chilly room.

"You started by doing this..." Sirius leant in a little further.

"D-did I now?" Remus tried to keep his composure, hoping Black hadn't heard the small falter in his voice - going by the amused hum from his throat, however, Sirius had.

"And then, this," His hand moved up Lupin's thigh, and Remus could see his eyes, pupils blown and shining, flickering between his own likely hungry eyes and his lips. His tongue darted out to wet them slightly, and Sirius smiled. His hand kept trailing up, nails scraping over the fabric of his thin jeans and Remus knew it shouldn't have felt  _ that good. _

A shiver went up his spine as Sirius rested his palm on his hipbone.

Remus wanted to ask more, plead him to tell him; show him; what he'd done next. 

"You couldn't keep your eyes off of me..." Sirius murmured, voice no louder than a low whisper.

Lips - Sirius's lips - pressed against his jaw, trailing along in light kisses, ghosting his skin. He wasn't even sure when Black had moved close enough to do that, but he wasn't going to complain. He lifted his head a little higher.

"Was I d-doing that, too?" Remus asked, his own voice low like his companion's.

"No..." Sirius smiled against his neck, teeth lightly scraping over the spot, "I just thought this would add to the experience..." Then, he bit down, only slightly, before running the tip of his tongue over the small red indents, proud. Trailing over pulse points, lips never leaving Remus's skin, he followed up his neck before leaving a kiss, disgustingly kind for the pair, behind his ear. "If you want me to stop, tell me," Sirius whispered over the shell of Lupin's ear.

Remus stayed silent.

Sirius moved his hands, then, one up and into Remus's hair, carding through the curls of it, the other resting on the small of his back, pulling him closer. 

"I don't get it," Remus began, voice quiet and wavering, perhaps an octave higher than normal but he couldn't bring himself to care, not with Sirius's hands all over him, "Why are you suddenly acting like you want me? This is a little further than a demonstration, now..." 

"Do you see how my brother looks at you?" Sirius's lips and teeth came back to that same spot on his neck, sucking and nipping and Remus wanted it desperately to be his lips, not his skin, that Sirius was torturing. He bit down a little harder and sucked, and Remus couldn't help the small whimper that left his throat. Sirius smirked against his flesh, arrogant. "He wants you. He wants your attention. And I don't want you to give it to him."

"All about want with you, isn't it?"

"I'm sick and tired of sitting back and waiting for good things to happen to me. I won't lose you to my brother, Lupin."

Sirius, as though making his point, moved his hands once again - one slipped under his jumper, halting on the warmth of his back, and the other moved from his hair downwards. Palm trailing over his jaw, along the side of his neck, over his clothed chest, his navel, before a singular, thin pale finger hooked into one of the belt loops of his jeans and pulled, tugging his hips forward and into his own.

Tilting his head back in smug satisfaction as Sirius let out a small whimper of his own, Remus leered, "I'm not some prize to be won by the Black Brothers, you know?"

Lips kissed on his neck again, lower, and would likely have been on his collarbone had Remus wanted to waste time taking off his jumper.

"I'm sure I can prove that wrong..." Sirius grinned.

Blood roared in Remus' ears, drowning out the calm humming of the light fixture, the general groaning of the old building beneath their feet and over their heads but doing nothing more than making the feeling of Sirius's hand on his back, fingers by his belt and lips lapping at his neck all the more intense.

"Black," Remus hissed. His voice was thin and needy. Helpless. He should have been embarrassed, but embarrassment was far from his mind.

"Come on, babe," Sirius taunted, "You can call me Sirius, just this once."

"Never."

Sirius laughed, panting, before drawing back. His hands stayed firm on Remus's body, but his voice turned clear and insistent.

"You've never done anything before, right? Nothing?"

Now  _ that  _ was something Remus  _ was  _ embarrassed about. 

His first kiss had been with the first girl he came out to, and he hadn't as much as held hands with another girl (other than Lily), let alone with another boy.

He'd thought about it, of course, but he couldn't bear the thought of kissing someone, sleeping with someone, who he didn't have a... connection with! Maybe he'd spent so long dreaming of the one that he couldn't imagine touching someone, holding them or kissing them and hot feeling that spark he'd read so much about in his favourite literature!

He almost lied - 'Uh,  _ of course  _ I've done stuff! I've probably slept with more people that you know!'

But, of course, drunk him wouldn't allow that, already declaring his 'theoretical homosexuality' ( _ Really, Remus?! I really couldn't have worded that any worse, could I?! _ ) and shoving him into a corner labelled 'Worlds Biggest Virgin!'

He could already imagine his mum shouting at him for even just thinking of that. 

_ "Virginity is a social construct, Remus, okay? You don't have to 'lose' something that doesn't exist to feel valid, alright love!" _

Remus needed to stop giving a shit about what people thought of him.

"No, I haven't." He willed his eyes not to drop, head to stay high and voice not to waver for any reason other than curiosity and arousal.

Sirius smiled. Not cocky, or arrogant, or mocking. Just happy. However, as fast as the smile had appeared, it was replaced with sanguine. Sly. 

Wolfish.

As Sirius removed his hands from him, Remus wanted to beg him to touch him again, shaking under the loss of feeling. He took a step back, looking at Remus quivering against the kitchen counter, and Rem thought he'd blown it.

Until Sirius moved again.

Sirius dropped to his knees, looking directly up at him as he took the zipper of his jeans between his teeth, clacking the metal against his incisors, running his tongue over the slider, and Remus wanted nothing more than to burn that perfect image into his retinas forever. 

Sirius's voice was low.

Shaking.

Hungry.

"Then let me show you what you've been missing out on..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Hope Lupin, guys! <3


	12. Chain-Smoking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh i hope this is written well and doesn't read like a fever dream hahah

Sirius

**-Monday-**

Sirius Orion Black had a reputation. 

All sorts spread fast in year 10 - both rumours and truths - and the fact that Sirius Black had slept with a girl called Elodie Fournier was no exception.

He hadn't, of course. They were just two closeted queer kids, one from an abusive household and the other from a very religious household looking for some decent cover.

Eloise was lovely, Sirius remembered. She was a very pretty, blonde french girl, who's parents would rather have her sleeping around with bad-boy smoker Sirius Black than date her just as lovely, Christian, but Lesbian, girlfriend.

So they started the rumour. It worked.

Too well. 

Even as Sirius came out and the pronouns and gender changed, the premise stayed the same. It turned from 'Isn't that Sirius Black? He's slept with like... every girl ever,' to 'Isn't that Sirius Black? He's slept with like... every boy ever.'

Thankfully, James knew it wasn't true. Sirius had slept with two people, both of whom he'd been in a relationship with at the respective times and he'd ended with on good terms (not that there was anything wrong with sleeping around, of course! Sirius knew that if he had the chance to, he'd take it!)

In reality, though, Sirius didn't throw himself at people.

Unless 'people' meant Remus Lupin. Because, apparently, he likes to throw himself at Remus Lupin.

Sirius Orion Black did not want to live up to that reputation.

Because, it _really_ was unlike him to make propositions like that, even more so to someone he was convinced he couldn't even stand the company of until the day prior - not that he could stand Lupin's company now, even after some strange 'midnight escapades.'

To say Sirius had been trapped in his own mind since _it_ happened had been an understatement. He felt like his thoughts had taken the form of an inch. It was crawling, shuffling, tickling inside of his brain, and no matter what he did, that itch in the form of memories from the disastrous Sunday night/Monday morning could _not_ be scratched.

He'd tried to scratch it, of course, tried to ease that incessant _writhing_ , with everything he could.

Distracting hadn't worked when James came in that morning before lessons, screeching and squealing about how Evans asking him out on a second date - ' _She_ asked _me_ , Pads! It's a miracle!' - and Sirius replied with sarcasm, of course, before making himself clear that he was genuinely happy.

He tried his usual coping mechanism before his Monday afternoon lecture. Smoking was just as useless, and the taste of nicotine only seemed to mix with the taste of Remus's skin and Sirius's own obsession with the flavour, and he found himself running back to the flat to brush his teeth after crushing the filter beneath his shoe.

Lessons gave him the opportunity he _did not want_ , and Sirius spent the one and a half hours staring at computer screensaver, tapping his pen to his chin and thinking of Remus. _Again_.

(It was really becoming a nasty habit, thinking of Remus. Sirius wondered if you could die from attraction; like, could it cause a heart attack if he sat there thinking of amber eyes and silky brown locks long enough? He thought that would be a happy way to go.)

He trudged back to his flat, smoking on the way, hating the taste as before, and ordered Chinese before falling into bed. 

The food arrived, he collected it, ate the Schezwan Mixed Veg on the floor of his room and wallowed in self-pity.

_The irony._

Self-pity (was it his or Remus's? He didn't quite know anymore) got him in this situation in the first place.

James popped in again at around 7:03 pm, begging Sirius to tell him what was wrong and to snap out of it, and left at around 7:16 pm when he realised Sirius _wasn't_ going to snap out of it any time soon.

However, by 7:38 pm, Sirius seemed to have found a way to scratch that itch.

"Do what you know..." He mumbled to himself happily, pulling his notepad - a tatty, torn but beautiful rainbow striped thing that Euphemia had bought him a week after he moved in.

The pen hit the paper.

**-Tuesday-**

_Can't meet today kid!!!_

**Why?**

_None of your business~~~~_

**You can't cancel, Sirius.**

_lsdflksjlksd whatever, Reg! Pick up an extra shift, go see Andy, babysit lil Tonks for her, go apartment shopping, just do something else!!!! I'm busy~!_

**If this is to do with Potter..?**

_It's not hahaha,,, you need to get over it already, it was a year ago_

**Lupin, then?**

**Not until he says 'I love you', brother mine.**

_..._

_Zip it! just- I'll see you next Tuesday!!_

Shining gold teased over Sirius's lip, pen dangling from his mouth as he pondered over the words on the page.

Maybe he was a little twisted?

Perhaps it was a little cruel to use the pen Regulus had bought him for this little project he'd taken up.

The pen was gorgeous, a sleek, heavy gold plated piece Regulus gave him when Sirius got accepted into university.

It was the first time they'd spoken in two years.

"Perhaps you can use it to write in that notepad of yours you're so obsessed with. I'd have bought you a matching notepad but I wasn't sure you'd appreciate me replacing your other one." Regulus had smiled fondly when Sirius opened the little black box and saw the gleaming metal. 

In some strange way, it seemed like rubbing into Regulus's face how he'd won - not _really_ won, obviously. Lupin wasn't a prize to compete over, as he made very clear, and a one night stand, if you could even call it that, was far from making him a champion.

**James actually contacted me, Sirius. He asked if I knew why you were being so... distant. Jealousy doesn't suit you, brother; you look better in lilac and arrogance.**

_I'm not jealous. Just you wait~~_

_P.S. we all know lilac is your colour, not mine lol_

He tried to ignore the fact that Lupin hadn't said 'I love you'.

He also tried to ignore how he maybe, just slightly, really wanted to hear him say it.

Sirius never used the pen often, but this seemed like an important project.

**-Wednesday-**

_"This didn't mean anything, Black." Remus huffed, legs shaking and hands trembling to do up his belt._

_"Of course not." Sirius rose from his knees back up until he was face to face - or as face to face as Sirius could manage at a mere 5'6", coming more in front of Remus's chest than anything._

_"Why did you do that? Not that I wanted you to stop," Remus assured, seemingly panicked, "Just, why?"_

_"Love is a powerful thing, my dear!" Sirius swooned, joking._

_"So is hate, Black."_

Of everything, that was what Sirius seemed to remember the most - Remus's reluctance afterwards. 

At first, Sirius had felt guilty, worried he'd coerced him into it. But Remus had said yes every time Sirius checked he was okay (which was perhaps a little more than necessary, but he was a sucker for consent) and the little spike of panic in his brain calmed a little more.

It was to be expected, of course. Black and Lupin didn't get along, and Remus being gay or a spontaneous kitchen blowjob didn't change that. Even if Sirius wished it did...

He channelled everything he had - his doubts, his panic - his... interest? If that was the right word - into the lines on the page, viciously scribbling and crossing out and jotting notes in margins.

In one of the margins was a little doodle of a butterfly. Sirius hadn't even realised he drew it until he flicked back two pages to look at some old notes and saw it, senselessly scribbled in a little corner. Upon research, it was a Holly Blue Butterfly he'd recalled seeing in his back garden as a child.

He wondered if that was the same butterfly Remus had tattooed on his ankle and desperately wished to see it.

**-Thursday-**

Thursday was unbearably unproductive, and Sirius spent most of the time telling himself he'd made a move on Remus to get back at Reg for some pathetic reason, not because he's actually wanted to!

Which was definitely a lie.

Obviously.

The more Sirius wrote, the more he came to terms with it - he'd have made a pass at Remus whether his brother had gotten involved or not, right? It might have taken a lot longer, likely until the last week of first year as they were packing to go home, but he knew he would have.

Somehow, as soon as he admitted this to himself (not anyone else, not even James, who he'd barely spoken to other than a hurried 'I'm working, Prongs! Provide me with food and hydration and I'll see you when I'm done!!') his work got better.

His pen couldn't keep up with the writing, the scribbles, or the little butterfly doodles that seemed to increase in number over the pages. His humming likely drove Peter, who's room was only next door, senseless, but at least Lupin couldn't complain about his music during his musing.

The last(first) person he wanted to see was Lupin, at least not while he was working.

And definitely while he was still debating on showing Lupin the project in the first place.

**-Friday-**

**wait wait wait**

**what are you working on then?**

_So after all that happened~_

**the bj, you mean haha?**

_-_-_

_yes Prong,,,, 'the bj'_

_after that happened,,,, I couldn't focus! So-_

_I channelled it into work!_

**and i thought all this was for an assignment you fell behind on**

_n o p e_

**well good luck pads, i'll make some food and bring it in tonight x**

James's support was something, at least! 

If James knew what he was writing, then Sirius was damn sure he wouldn't be confusing it for university assignments. 

That was just it, however; he hadn't shown James! He wasn't ready to show James. Not when he was so adamant to show Lupin first (it was impossible, really, for Lupin to see it and no one else, but as long as Remus was one of the first to see it, then he'd be content!)

Slamming the nib onto the page, Sirius finished the line he was working on, and smirked. While he waited for ideas to re-flood his mind again, he took to standing, stretching his hands over his head and yawning. Sirius grabbed two corners of his duvet, shaking it and freeing it from the gritty grasp of the crumbs from the past few days - gross, but he'd been too focused to care.

Sirius's mind felt thoroughly empty. Maybe not empty, not quite, but like...

_A pringles tube!_ Sirius thought with glee! Yes, it was as though his thoughts - the words, the emotions, the _everything_ were the last few pringles at the bottom of the tube and he _just couldn't quite reach them yet_.

He left the notebook and pen, dangerously low on ink now, on his desk and began to flick through the crate of records, plucking the same The Stone Roses debut album from a week or so prior, gently tugging it from its protective sleeve and setting it up to play. 'I Wanna Be Adored' began to echo around his room, filling the air - and subsequently Sirius - with a wonderfully nostalgic warmth. 

Any records seemed to give him that feeling, similar to a longing for someone or something he'd never known. James always insulted him for it, comparing Sirius to these arrogant indie boys that scream about 'music being better on vinyl' but he could never quite bring himself to care, not when it was James! Peter had begun to agree with him and, yes, that hurt a little more, but neither friend was entirely wrong...

Fingers ghosted over the doorknob of his wardrobe as Sirius swayed along to the sound of Ian Brown's vocals, and opened it in an aimless wander. Peering inside, he was met with an alarming amount of black, running his palms over the different textures. Every now and then, his nails, short and bitten, would catch onto a stray piece of fibre and tug the item of clothing along.

'I Wanna Be Adored' came to an end, filling the room with a second of white noise before the faster rhythm of 'She Bangs The Drums' began.

After a few moments of running his hands back and forth over the clothing, he grabbed a hanger, taking the item from the wardrobe and looking at it.

A black button-down. Perhaps a size too small now, but would show off his body perfectly. 

He threw it onto the bed.

Tugging out a second item, Sirius started at the corset - also black, and had been bought on a drunken whim a couple of years back. It joined the shirt on the duvet.

Some more forgotten pieces of clothing were pulled from the dark depths of the wardrobe, including a black pleated skirt, an old My Chemical Romance tour shirt, another impulse purchase corset, more button-downs and an ungodly amount of black jeans; all joined the ever-growing pile of dark clothing on Sirius's bed

Finally, Sirius pulled out another piece, black, light, _perfect_. He stared at it for longer than the rest, running his thumbs over the very little fabric and smirked to himself.

It was a fishnet shirt.

It was so wonderful, so _immaculate_ , he _had_ to wear it when he showed Remus the 'project'.

Just the thought of Lupin staring at him in it, eyes trailing over his pale skin and wishing he could reach out and touch the divets of his muscles made Sirius dizzy.

_Dizzy. Dizzy..._

_Oh yes! Brilliant!_

Sirius threw the shirt, and its clothing hanger, onto the floor, snatched his notebook and gold pen from his desk and leapt, sprawling faced down on his bed, and therefore his clothes, flicking to his last used page and scribbled a few words.

He put the end of his pen in his mouth for a moment; a habit when inspiration struck; Sirius smiled.

**-Saturday-**

Saturday rolled around and the pen in his mouth became replaced with the filter of a cigarette, drawing in the smoke in dissatisfied inhalations, breathing out and watching the greyish-white smoke curl and twist throughout his room.

Smoking in his university room was a bad idea, and in fact not even allowed, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

And was this a desperate time.

His rainbow notebook had never looked so ruined, with the soft cover peeling and discolouring, pages covered in various spilt drinks and smelling distinctly of Cherry Cola and tobacco. Normally, Sirius would have looked at this with fondness, a strange love for ruined words and tattered notes, but now, the book seemed cursed.

He just couldn't finish the damn project!

All he needed, _all it was_ , was one line, just a few teeny tiny little words near the beginning to complete it. To draw it all together.

To show Remus what he does to him.

(To show Regulus what Remus does to him).

No matter how many times he'd put the pen to the paper, or smoked while leaning out of his dorm window, he just couldn't think. Couldn't get the right words to form.

He'd even asked Remus to run out and get him more fags after he smoked through the first packed in only 5 or so hours - chain-smoking was awful, but he needed it.

Lupin returned from shopping (Sirius knew he went shopping with Lily each Saturday; it was the only reason he asked) and threw the fags into his room, scowling and left. Not great, but it would have to do.

Halfway through the second pack, Sirius almost gave up. He inhaled again, watching the red embers spark at the end of the cigarette, drawing a little closer, and savoured that familiar taste on his tongue and in his lungs.

He wondered if that's what Remus tasted like if he kissed him - his strange menthol roll-ups and the coffee he seemed to live off of - and desperately wanted to storm across the hall, throw open the door to Lupin's bedroom, grab his face, and stick his tongue down his throat.

Well...

Maybe a little more eloquently than that, of course.

Sirius found himself sat there, dreaming of how Remus's tasted, and there wasn't a better daydream he could be having.

Or better inspiration, apparently!

Taking another long drag from his cigarette before throwing it out of the window, he picked up his pen again and began writing in his notebook.

_Okay, progress!_

Another little bit done.

Now all he had to do was clean it up, edit a little, and finish it off!

He could do this!

**-Sunday-**

Sirius insisted on telling himself it was Sunday even if it was technically 2 am on Monday. But Sunday seemed like too good of a point to ignore as he looked back at the progress of the last week.

Literally, that was, as he stared down at his notepad, pen resting on his chapped bottom lip, pride flooding his entire body.

He did it. It was done! He could finally curl up into bed, words not on the back of his mind, and he smiled as he got under the duvet.

_Prongs~! I did it,,, It's finished!_

**i dont really know what it is so im guessing at this point dude**

**are you going to show him? tomorrow night??**

_Will he want to see is the question??!?!_

_i hope so_

**pads, mate, are you dumb**

**of course he will**

**its you after all ;)**

Sirius's smile twisted to a smirk.

_19 hours to go._


	13. Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Song is the unreleased Medicine by Harry Styles! Well worth listening to while/after reading!)  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0j87aNgt5s

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy :) i hope this is good lmfao

Remus

"What the hell are you doing here?!"

Remus spun to peer into the living room to see James, cross-legged on the sofa, looking nothing but quizzical, apparently at Remus's own presence.

"I have finished classes, and went to Lily's for a bit, and now I'm going to eat?" He replied, hints of irony and just pure confusion lacing his voice.

"No, you're not! You're meant to be with Sirius!"

Remus tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, "Uh, no?"

James nodded violently. "Yes, you are! Sirius said he was going to text you! He wanted to see you tonight!"

"Black doesn't have my number, and he spoke to me once last week to ask me to get fags and that's it. If he wants to talk to me, then he can bloody well do it here."

Remus wasn't exaggerating, either. Since what happened in the kitchen a week prior, Sirius had barely left his room at all! On Saturday, only two days before, Sirius slinked out of his room, knocking on Remus's bedroom door. He'd so much as shoved a tenner into his hands, grinned, and said '20 Richmond Blue, please!' before running back into his own bedroom. Had Remus not been going for his own shopping, he'd never have bought them - but it was something small and he didn't mind. 

Would have been nice for Sirius to have spoken to him at another point, though.

"Go to the Union, Remus, for god's sake! I'll owe you, alright, just go? Hurry!"

James's insistence had been odd, to say the least, but Remus didn't exactly have anything else to do at 8:20 pm on a Monday night, and he and Potter had a strange friendship now; it was only polite to listen to your friends.

Staring up at the dark building, Remus seemed to realize he'd never been to the campus Student Union before, and he remembered why. Bass echoed from the inside, loudening every time someone opened the black-out doors, and he was instantly hit with a wave of anxiety.

Sucking it up, he opened the door, stepping in.

He was hit with the dizzying smell of alcohol, and his eyes were yet to adjust to the dark, blinking fast. A live singer was on stage, facing the drummer as he belted out notes, headbanging a little to the beat. 

Remus recognised the song as Mr Somebody Else by The Dudes, already coming to an end.

Crowds of students hovered both around the front of the stage and throughout the room, surrounding pool tables and the two bars available.

Overwhelmed, he approached the second bar, right perpendicular to the stage and free of most crowds, settling at the end of it on one of the barstools far away from other people so Sirius could pick him out when he turned up or came looking. 

"Want anything, love?" A voice asked, calm, and Remus looked up to see a blonde girl, likely an older student, behind the bar.

"Uh, pint?" 

"Sure."

Remus watched as she grabbed a glass from the side, rinsed it and began pulling on the beer tap and letting the golden drink and white foam fill the glass. Pulling out a note, he placed the money on the sticky bar top in front of the till.

In the background, the song drew to an end, and a voice came over the speakers. A disgustingly recognisable voice that made Remus's heart sink and leap indefinitely.

"Next, I'll be performing a new original song with my lovely house band here! I hope you all enjoy it!"

The blonde set the glass down in front of Remus, but he spun on his seat before even picking it up.

Thank god he hadn't held it, or he'd have dropped it for sure.

Sirius Black stood centre stage, hands gripping the microphone stand, wearing so little clothes it was criminal!

He wore nothing but a fishnet shirt, clinging to his pale skin, tucked into an unbearably short black skirt, showing off legs made to look longer by the sheer black thigh highs and platform creepers for shoes. Smirking, he radiated nothing but confidence and unabashed boldness, looking in his absolute element. It was the most natural Remus had ever seen him as he began to strut around the stage, body swaying in time with the opening riff.

He hadn't seemed to have noticed Remus yet, eyes scanning the crowd in what Lupin could only describe as an alluring search, as though he was desperately looking for someone. Perhaps it was a little eager, or desperate, but Remus couldn't shake the feeling that he was who Sirius was looking for.

He leant forwards, lips unbearably close to the mic, and parted them

"Here to take my medicine, take my medicine. Treat you like a gentleman," Sirius sung into the microphone, voice sickly sweet like honey and undoubtedly teasing - he dressed, walked, sung like pure sex, and Remus couldn't tear his eyes away. 

"Give me that adrenaline, that adrenaline. I think I'm gonna stick with you," He continued, one hand sliding up the stand to grab the microphone instead, and the other slipping through his hair, left loose and falling in waves onto his shoulders. 

Was this what Sirius had been locked up doing for the last week? Writing a new song? It made sense for Sirius to be a performer, and he clearly had the talent for writing and singing. But with the way his eyes stayed dark, curious, eyelids lowered and bottom lip caught ever so slightly between his teeth in a way that drove Remus mad, he wanted nothing more than to know why Sirius had thrown himself into the writing so much!

"Here to take my medicine, take my medicine. Rest it on your fingertips. Up to your mouth, feeling it out, feeling it out..."

_ Oh... Oh! _

It seemed to hit Remus like a truck - there couldn't be a chance the song was about him, could there? James insisting Remus came here just to see Sirius made it seem as though this was what he was meant to see, but that didn't mean Sirius had been inspired by him!

"I had a few, got drunk on you and now I'm wasted," Black continued, now pulling the microphone out of the stand and walking to the right of the stage, strutting, exuberating amour-propre in a way that was blinding.

Sirius had locked himself up after that happened last Sunday, and Remus didn't even want to think that was what 'inspired' Black so much. It was bizarre to imagine that he of all people could get Sirius to perform like that (he tried to push down the thoughts that it was, in fact, incredibly hot and he'd love to have been the incentive). 

But it just wasn't possible.

As though to prove him wrong, Sirius moved to the front corner of the stage, leaning forward towards the bar and, almost jarringly, looked directly at Remus with sultry grey eyes. It wasn't as though Sirius had only just seen him; he'd known Lupin was there the whole time.

"And when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you tasted!"

Catching his lip between his teeth again, he winked at Remus, smirking, and paraded to the other side of the stage.

Remus had never felt his face get so hot so quickly, instantly regretting the choice of a tatty old hoodie and jeans in the heat of the room - or, more than likely, under the gaze of Sirius. As much as he wanted to turn around and grab his drink, which he still hadn't touched, Remus wasn't prepared to take his eyes off of Sirius any time soon.

"If you go out tonight, I'm going out 'cause I know you're persuasive! You got that something, I got me an appetite, now I can taste it," Black sounded, glancing over to Remus again for a moment as he threw his head back with the line, running his fingers through his hair, and  _ oh  _ how Remus wanted to be the one to do that to him. 

Sirius just moved his body in such a seductively alluring way that Remus was shocked he hadn't collapsed, or at the very least dropped to his knees in the same way Sirius had done for him a week ago.

The lyrics became a jumbled mess in his mind, simply watching as Sirius moved and pranced around, skin beginning to shine with sweat from the exercise (Remus tried not to watch one bead of sweat trail over his torso and dip lover his v-line, he really did) and he felt his mouth go very dry, very fast.

He wasn't paying attention to the words until Sirius looked at him again, singing another line, "I mess around with him and I'm okay with it."

It took all of Lupin's self-restraint to not grab Sirius, drag him from the stage and into the union changing rooms and have him there and then, in one way or another. Who cares if it was just 'messing around'? Remus wasn't looking to date now, apparently, if he could have Sirius Black wanting a repeat of the previous week. 

"I'm coming down, I figured out I kinda like it, and when I sleep I'm gonna dream of how you ride it."

The chorus was repeated, and Sirius kept up the sultry, sexy look just as effortlessly as before, although Remus assumed he must have been getting tired. He danced all the way through the bridge, and guitar solo, and sung the last chorus just as before - perfectly.

The last note hit.

Sirius threw his arms up, microphone still firmly gripped in one hand, grin wide on his face as he panted.

The crowd erupted, and only then did Remus remember it wasn't just he and Sirius in the room - at least another 50 people had just seen that same performance, and Remus pushed down the small bubble of jealousy. 

He wanted Sirius - Sirius like that, sweating, proud, confident and sexy, all to himself, for some reason, and he couldn't bring himself to care.

Especially not when Sirius's eyes met his again.

Spinning around, Remus turned back towards the bar, grabbing his glass with clammy hands and took three large gulps, drinking a good third of the pint already. 

"Enjoy the show?"

_ Don't turn around, don't turn around, don't turn around! _

Remus turned around to see Sirius, in the same state as before, still catching his breath and smiling. 

His eyes trailed up Sirius's body, starting at the well-worn creepers, up the shining material of the socks, intentionally skipping over that small bit of skin where the thigh-highs ended and hem of the skirt began, watching as the fabric stretched tight over his skin. The fishnet shirt was just as tight, curving over the contours of defined muscles on his torso, threads catching the sweat on his chest and hair beginning to stick to his neck.

"Might have done," Remus said flatly, now bringing his eyes to Sirius's own, trying to keep them steady and emotionless.

"Oh, I think you did..."

"You know," Remus began, pausing to take another sip of his now room temperature beer, "I don't know if I like that you're a singer. You don't really need your ego inflated anymore."

Sirius gave a single bark of laughter, "Oh, Lupin! I do more than just sing! I'm a performer! I play bass, I can dance, I used to act but, ugh," He grimaced, "There are only so many times I can try to sing Defying Gravity and be shut down for being a boy!"

For the second time, it seemed to hit Remus like a truck.

"That was never your radio or speaker or whatever I could hear at the flat, was it? It was you playing bass."

"Correct!" Sirius beamed, showing up finger guns as though to emphasise his point. "I thought you didn't know enough about me. Thought that maybe you'd want to see me in action." Sirius hopped onto the empty barstool beside Remus, spinning it to face him.

The same blonde bartender as before came over, and Sirius ordered a pint, too, offering Remus a refill - which he happily accepted. Remus watched as she went through the same routine as before; rinsing the glass, tugging on the beer tap and setting it in front of Sirius. She repeated the actions with a second drink, handing it to Remus, and took the money from Black.

Remus used the gap in the conversation to focus on something else, anything but the man in the skirt and thigh highs sat next to him. He winded up listening to the music in the background, muffled by conversations from other crowds. Despite not being able to pick up the lyrics, it sounded very much like I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good by From First To Last, a band Remus didn't particularly like or listen too (far too hardcore for him) but Lily had dragged him to see in concert in the summer before year 12.

Thank god he had Lily to keep him sane through all of this.

"You're a music student, then?" Remus finally broke the silence, not looking at Sirius as he questioned. Instead, he stared at the bubbles on the beer head, fighting the urge to pull his hands into his sweaters and running right out of the Student Union and straight home - home to his mother, that was, not back to the flat where James would no doubt smirk, laugh and ask him what he thought. "I should have guessed, really, from the music teacher thing."

"Mother and Father always insisted I learnt piano, as it was Black Family tradition, and as much as I should have hated it as I was forced, in reality, I totally fell in love with it. I scared of the teacher by suggesting I wanted to learn something like a guitar! Kicked up a right fuss about it actually! She said I was a hopeless case and left, but she continued to teach my brother.

Well, I saved up, bought a bass, hid it at home or at James's and learnt at lunchtimes when at school! Turned out I was pretty good!"

Remus could hear the pride in his voice, and couldn't help the small smile that tugged at his own lips.

"Where did the lyric writing come into it then?"

"Well," Sirius huffed with emphasis, "I went through some pretty shitty stuff a few years back, therapy was just... not for me. Started writing it all out, and the next thing I knew, I had a song! I mean, it was crap, but I worked through what I needed and got out all that stress and emotions. I mainly cover songs, but when I can't focus on anything else, or I'm too worked up or something, then I get out this notebook Mum bought me and I start to write.

_ Bingo _ .

"And what inspired that song, then?"

"What, Medicine?"

"Mhm."

Sirius's face turned red - not a blotchy, hot red from performing, but a bright scarlet from embarrassment, and he scratched the back of his neck.

"Uh, well, everyone needs a muse, don't they?" He responded awkwardly as though that answered the question.

"And, what, sucking my dick at 2 am in the kitchen was your muse?" Remus scoffed.

"Perhaps."

Silence fell over them again, and Remus saw how Sirius's blush didn't falter. 

"You really have a thing for skimpy clothing, don't you?"

Sirius looked down as though he hadn't seen his outfit before, and laughed. "I guess so! I just wear what I feel confident in, who cares about other people's opinions.  _ You  _ seem to like it enough!"

Remus couldn't imagine it, walking around in clothes like that, in  _ women's  _ clothes, showing off his body and parading around assuredly.

"How?" Remus's voice dropped almost to a whisper, "How can you be so confident with your gender and sexuality and be able to wear stuff like that and  _ not care _ ?"

Turning from cocky to kind, Sirius shifted closer to Remus, setting down his now empty pint glass and smiling, "It wasn't easy. I mean, come on, Lupin," Sirius's voice dropped low enough that no one else could hear, "You aren't going to get over this internalized homophobia bullshit fast - yes, I know about that, it's kind of obvious. You're a closeted queer kid with serious anxiety, who's never had gay friends, watched your family split because of your sexuality and have only now, for the first time ever, actually  _ chosen  _ to come out to people. You're not gonna become the most flamboyant queer in a matter of days, are you?"

"I guess."

"Oi, look at me!" Sirius grinned, drawing Remus's attention away from the woodgrain on the bar, but back to the stormy grey eyes he found himself wanting to look at more and more, "At some point, whenever you've decided you don't wanna punch me, or your meds make you a little more friendly, we'll go shopping. Somewhere not near here so you can try on clothes you're curious about without worrying that someone will see you. Okay?"

"Okay." Remus smiled without realising.

Suddenly, Sirius jumped from the barstool, pulled his socks up briefly, before turning to Remus. 

"Well, I'm heading back! Skirts are cute, but-" He pulled the skirt up a little to show off more of this thigh, "-I much prefer lounging around in joggers! See you there!" He waved once before spinning on his heel.

It made sense, all of a sudden - the strange look when he saw Regulus looking at Remus, the loud personality, the demanding attitude and want to help. Sirius did everything he could to get people the look his way, from how he dressed to how he acted.

Remus began talking before his brain caught up, not turning to look at Sirius heading off.

"You get off on it, don't you? Knowing that everyone here is watching you. That you have everyone's attention?" 

Sirius stopped walking, shoes planted firmly onto the ground having only made it a few paces away from Remus and the bar. He didn't turn, but Remus could hear the smirk in his voice, clear as day.

"No. I like knowing  _ you're  _ here to watch me. I have  _ your  _ attention. That's what I get off on" 

And he walked away without another word. 


	14. Black Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY I SWEAR----
> 
> i wrote this 4 DAMN TIMES
> 
> like half of this was written under the influence of alcohol  
> I still hate it  
> pleasepleaseplease stick with me, I promise the next chapter will be better <3<3<3
> 
> (ps - I posted a fluffy oneshot if anyone wants to read that!!)

Sirius

**Dorm 3198**

**ProngsX: training ran over a little and im going to see Lily for a bit, will try not to wake people if i come in late!**

**RJL: Tell her I say hello, James!**

**Wormyy: use protection lol**

**SiriuslyBored: see u tonight!!! might order food if u want any~~**

**SiriuslyBored: Should I tell Reggie you say hi~?**

**RJL: I won't be back after classes as I'm going straight home. Enjoy your holidays, all. X**

Peter put down his phone after typing back and 'Merry Christmas' to Remus, and sat his phone down onto the kitchen table. Sirius's phone went off again with the notification, but swiped it from his phone screen as fast as it appeared. He'd done that with a lot of messages from or regarding Lupin since James made the Whatsapp group a week prior.

"I might have had an ulterior motive staying with you today," Peter smiled somewhat sheepishly.

"Oh? Didn't _really_ want to meet Reg then?" Sirius couldn't help but snide; it _had_ been odd when Peter asked to stay at the flat and meet Regulus before they all headed home the next day.

"I was wondering about you and Remy if I'm honest!"

_For fucks sake._

Sirius must have let out a frustrated groan because Peter's laughed echoed loud around the kitchen.

"Why, what's he told you?" Sirius huffed.

He and Remus hadn't really spoken since Sirius performed at the Student Union on the 14th of December. Eight days later, and only just _now_ was Peter bring it up? Sirius had wanted to speak to Lupin, of course, but there was nothing to really talk about.

Sirius would have to do something about that soon.

"Everything. He told me everything." Peter blushed, seemingly unable to meet Sirius's eyes.

"Like..?" He coaxed.

"Halloween, the blowjob in the kitchen, the song, the flirting-"

"Woah, woah, woah! What flirting? There's been no flirting!" Sirius scowled, hands balled into tight fists on his lap.

"Oh come off of it, Pads!" Peter rolled his eyes, "Rem said the exact same thing, but you're both dumb as shit! All you do is flirt! You wrote him a bloody song, Sirius, for god's sake! So, are you two banging or not?!"

Gritting his teeth and hitting the table lightly, Sirius glared, "No! We are not _banging_ , or anything else," He hissed, "We aren't even friends."

"You could be."

"I want to be," Sirius admitted insistingly for perhaps the first time ever, voice dropping low, and eyes narrowing in on the table, "He actually seemed kinda cool when he's not a total prat! Like, decent humour, chill to hang with, not a total wet sponge, so yeah, I wanna be friends with him! But- but so much has happened now..." He trailed off seeing the sympathy on Peter's face.

"I don't think you give him enough credit, Sirius. He's not going to totally shut you out because of what happened," Peter sighed and flicked his wrist, "Do something nice, show him you want to be friends and you aren't just after a quick shag or punching his lights out, okay?"

_Something nice..._

What the hell was he going to do?

The only thing he and Remus had in common was strange music tastes, homosexuality, kitchen blowjobs and smoking!

"Butterflies," Sirius asked without prompt, eyes brightening a little, "What has he told you about butterflies?"

"Uh... well, he has that tattoo on his ankle-"

"Yes! That! What butterfly?"

Peter pondered for a moment, blinking into space, before answering, "Blim- brim... Brimstone! That's it, its a brimstone butterfly, I think!"

"Why does he have it?"

"Not my place to say," The blond smiled sadly, "He only told me a couple of weeks ago so you need to ask him for the details. Basically, Remus mum Hope - loveliest woman alive, heart of gold - is a bit of a hippy. And by a bit, I mean a lot. She's into all this spiritual guidance and such and her son took after that. So, because of that, Remus thinks butterflies have special meanings, that they symbolise letting go of old behaviour or something. He saw loads of Brimstone butterflies, knew what they meant, and got a tattoo. But you'll have to ask him why, because he needs to be the one to tell you that."

_That's fair,_ Sirius thought, _at least Peter was trustworthy with secrets and other people's business._ He never outed Sirius and James, after all.

"I never realised Lupin was so... _not hipster_ ," Sirius snorted.

Peter gave him _a look_ , "Well, you'd know if you were friends with him!"

"Bugger off!"

"You know," Peter began again after a pause, "He's been on about moths a whole lot, too. Apparently, moths suggest you're hiding from yourself? I don't really get it, but he said he only came out because he saw some hawk moth or something when he was with you? He said something about an anxiety attack, but he never went into detail."

Sirius's thoughts wandered back to that night, and he recalled the moth he and Remus had watched as they smoked.

"Yeah. I woke up to find him half way through what happened to be an anxiety attack, as we went outside to smoke. Ended up out there for an hour or so smoking and chatting. There was a moth under one of the streetlights we were watching," He recalled.

"That must have been it. That's what convinced him to come out, you know?"

"Oh."

"Yeah."

They fell into a pensive silence as Sirius thought over what Peter said - Remus only came out because of that night?

Bit of a miracle, really, he thought, knowing he's only taken Remus out for a fag to calm him down, and that had a god awful chain reaction to lead them to where they were now - enemies with benefits, a one night stand, whatever they were after that night.

Sirius opened his mouth but was interrupted before he could even speak by the sound of a knock on the door. He shouted for the person to come in, and he saw Regulus in the doorway of the kitchen after a moment.

"Sirius."

"Regulus."

"This is Peter," Sirius introduced, smiling at his friend - who looked very awkward and out of place - as Reg moved to take a seat next to Sirius.

"Nice to meet you, Peter," Regulus smiled small.

"And you, finally!" Peter grinned.

Regulus adjusted the cuffs of his blazer (why the hell was he wearing a suit?) and smirked, likely at the puzzled look on his brothers face. "The Malfoy's are going to be over when I return home. Mother requested I looked presentable."

"Snob," Sirius snorted.

"Quite. I do believe I may have interrupted a conversation when I arrived. Please, continue!" He smiled.

"Ah," Peter began, "We were just talking about Remy-"

"Oh? Sirius talking about Lupin! _What_ a surprise!" Regulus hummed in amusement. Sirius gritted his teeth again and wondered how his relationship with his brother could be so hit and miss. "Speaking of, I wondered if I could have his number, brother. I would love to get to know him better," The teasing was evident in his voice.

"Might be too late for that! Sirius seemed to have already snatched him up!" Peter grinned, not reading the obviously tense atmosphere or dark look in Sirius's eyes.

Regulus's eyes stormed, widening ever so slightly as his jaw tensed.

"Is that so? Tell me, dear brother, has he said it yet?"

"So, how's saving coming along?"

"Come on, Sirius, don't be a coward, has he fallen for you yet?"

"Reg..."

"No need to be shy, tell me what happened?"

Sirius stood up, slamming his hands hard onto the table.

"Regulus Arcturus Black! Shut the fuck up before I make you!"

The echo of his shout rung around in the kitchen, and Sirius felt his hands stinging, tingling at the tips from the force, and he suddenly felt lightheaded. Slinking back down into the chair, he took a deep breath.

Perhaps it was a little low, shouting like that, shouting like his father, to scare Regulus (and he clearly had, the little colour from his brother's face had drained and his eyes were sharp with fear).

Peter's shoulders were tense and he looked more than scared, as well as the shock from the outburst.

"You'll always have his temper," Regulus mumbled, unable to look at Sirius.

"I'm trying to sort it."

"I know."

"I'm sorry..."

"I know."

Regulus didn't say 'I forgive you' so that was as good as it was going to get.

Sirius just couldn't stand his teasing - and definitely not over Lupin.

"So!" Peter tried to smile, voice quivering under the weight of the tension, "Regulus! How's work been?"

"Well, thank you," He smiled. Thank you? That was new for Regulus. "I almost have enough to move out which is great. I've been looking at apartments, which has also been lovely."

"That's good!"

Regulus and Peter continued with small talk, and Sirius tried to wrap his head around what the hell just happened?

Who gave a shit if Reg got with Lupin now? Sirius had gotten what he wanted, so why would it matter?

_Because you want to protect him._

Sirius didn't want to protect him. Remus wasn't some sickly puppy that needed caring for. Sure, he seemed like he'd been through a lot, but that didn't require Sirius keeping him on a short leash and away from Reg.

He couldn't seem to shake the feeling he and Remus had something special - or could have something special - if Sirius got his act together and just spoke to him normally instead of sucking him off and writing him a song.

It wasn't as though Remus had been unapproachable, either. Whatever meds he said he'd been on that made him irritable has seemingly calmed down now, and he hadn't been glaring, or making comments in a while, other than when Sirius provoked him.

He really needed to talk to Remus soon, he realised, and silently vowed to do it before the new year.

He still had the issue of his brother, though, who'd become unexplainably attached to Lupin despite hardly knowing him, and seemed content on taking him away from Sirius. (Not that Remus was his.)

It was obvious, really.

Sirius so badly, _so desperately_ , wanted to be friends with Remus, Reg seemed like nothing but a threat!

"Regulus?" Sirius interrupted Peter's rambling about whatever, "Could you head outside for me, I need to speak to you."

Regulus nodded and left the apartment without another word; he simply stared smugly at his brother as he walked out.

"I'm not gonna even ask why you shouted at him, Sirius. What do you need to talk to him about?" Peter asked anxiously, chewing on his bottom lip.

"I really want to be friends with Remus," Sirius smiled, letting go of a breath he'd been holding since he started university.

Throwing his hands into the air, Peter cheered, "Fucking finally! Only took a blowie and screaming at your brother for you to fucking realise! Now go and tell Reg to back off!" He smiled, gesturing to the door urgently. Sirius ruffled his friend's hair before standing and headed out the flat fast.

Regulus was waiting outside the main entrance doors, hands deep in his pockets and smirking as he saw Sirius emerge from the apartment block.

"So, I presume you came out here for more than a smoke," Regulus teased as Sirius pulled his box of fags from his jacket pocket and swiftly took one out.

Sirius wasn't sure how to go about explaining this all to his brother and took the most (not) logical first step.

"We got off together. Kind of."

"Well," Regulus said taken aback, "Not what I was expecting. That's what your friend Peter was hinting at, then?"

"Yeah. It's not going to go anywhere though."

"Giving up that easily?"

Staying silent, he took another drag from his cigarette.

Was he giving up?

 _Yes_. Only because he'd rather be friends with the guy that a series of bad (or not so bad) one night stands.

"Tell me, Reg. Why do you want him so badly?" As Regulus opened his mouth to speak, Sirius continued hastily, "And don't spout the bullshit that you're trying to get at me, or make me jealous or prove a point, or because he's some innocent little thing, Reg. The truth for once, please."

Sirius didn't miss how Regulus's head dropped slightly, eyes darkening and smiling at the ground. 

"For the same reason you want him," He answered simply, "He has this... aura around him. You might not have noticed but he draws people in. You and Potter hated him, but how they're friends and you want to be. He walks around like a drug and everyone is just a little bit addicted. He's charismatic."

Sirius took a step back and dropped the cigarette he hadn't even had the chance to light yet, widening his eyes a little at his brother. A quiet laugh slipped from his lips and he hoped Reg hadn't heard. "I haven't heard you talk about anyone like that since James."

"Yes, well, you have a habit of introducing me to some interesting people."

Crouching down to pick up his dropped fag, Sirius stayed quiet and pressed no further. He'd agreed to stay neutral with the Regulus and James drama when it happened, particularly since he wasn't very close to his brother at the time, but seeing Reg as... sombre as he was made him want to call James and shout at him for a little bit.

"He and Lily hit it off well, you know," He finally broke the silence. He took out his lighter and placed the cigarette between his lips as he lit it. "She asked him on a second date and they've been on another since then."

"I'm aware. I messaged him the other day to say congratulations. Properly. He said he's considering asking her to become 'official' in the new year."

Sirius took a drag before holding out the cigarette to Regulus, who took it fast. "And you're going to be okay with that?"

Inhaling around the filter, the younger Black rolled his eyes lightly. "It's been a year. No, I'm not thrilled and he broke by heart, Sirius, but he's a wonderful person and Evans will be very lucky. I just need to get over him."

Snatching back the fag, Sirius couldn't help but glare, a sinking feeling in his stomach and a little pain in his heart.

"That better not be what all this is about, Regulus?"

"What?"

"Lupin! If you're just using him to get over James!?"

"Of course not," Reg scoffed, brushing his hair from his eyes before if fell back in front of them again, "Who do you take me for?"

"If you hurt him-"

"Why does that matter to you?"

Well, that was painfully clear now.

"I want to be friends with him. Or on decent terms at least..."

"Mother would be disappointed," Regulus laughed halfheartedly, "The Black Pouf has gone all soft!"

Another small laugh fell from Sirius, "Like you can say much."

"Whatever do you mean, Sirius, brother dear? All I could want from Lupin is to use him in the bed and leave him there! A quick shag, maybe, you never-"

Sirius didn't know what came over him, and found his fist moving before he realised. Knuckles collided with his brother's nose, knocking him a little backwards and echoing an almighty thump around the quad, Regulus's yelp mostly drowned out.

"Fuck!" Sirius grabbed his fist, rubbing at his fingers and rolling his wrist, "Why is your face so damn hard!?"

"Why did you punch me?!" Regulus cried, losing his cool and clutching as his face, doubled over as blood began to slip out from between his thin fingers, eyes watering. Staying bent over, however, he calmed, sighing and dropping his shoulders, "No, no, I deserved that, I'm sorry."

Sirius admitted, "Yeah, you did."

Sirius guided his bleeding and still hunched over brother to the nearby bench sitting him down before taking the spot beside him, rubbing circles on his back, comforting and uncharacteristically. 

"I didn't mean it. I was only joking." Regulus murmured against his hand under his breath.

Blood continued to drip onto the floor, now trailing down Reg's wrist and staining his suit. Really, he should have taken him back up to the flat to look him over, but dragging a bleeding, dizzy teen up multiple flights of stairs didn't seem like the brightest idea.

"I know. I don't know what came over me."

"I do," Regulus spoke, and Sirius could hear the small smile in his voice, "You like him - as a friend, I mean. You want to look after him and get to know him."

Sirius gathered that his silence proved his point.

"Sirius, I want to get to know him too. Just in a different way to you. I want to make him happy."

"You don't even know he's gay," Sirius scoffed.

"Oh please, I knew he was just from looking at him. Also, you did just tell me you got him off one way or another. Not very straight to me, brother mine."

_Touché._

Slipping a hand into his jacket pocket, Sirius pulled out his phone, tapping and swiping away at it for the moment, oblivious to the strange side glances Regulus (who was still grabbing at his bloody, and now bruising nose) was giving him.

After everything with their family, with Sirius running away, with James and now with Regulus trying to leave, his brother deserved a little luck in his life. ( _Though,_ Sirius pondered, _if Reggie wasn't such a stubborn bastard, I could have gotten him out of there already_ ).

A moment. Then, there was a quiet ping from Regulus's blazer, but he made no move to dig into his pockets.

"I just texted you his number. Just... As long as I'm the one he comes crying to when you're over James, I don't care."

"That won't happen, Sirius. I just want to talk to him a little more."

Sirius smiled, catching Regulus's gentle gaze. 

"I know, Reg. And I just want you to be happy for once."


	15. Christmas Miracles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hm, a bit better than the last chapter  
> Our boys are making progress~

Remus

Remus stretched, bleary eyes and back cracking as light poured into his room from under the curtains. He rubbed his eyes, rolling over, blessed with the extra few inches of mattress he didn't have back at the university. Buzzing under his pillow was his phone, alarm waking him at the decent hour of 10 am, rather than 8 as he usually had for morning classes, and he turned it off, corners of his lips twitching in a tired smile. He flicked fast through his notifications, in no rush to leave the confines of his heavy duvet.

_Snap from 'Ginger Queen <3' _

_Snap from 'Wormtail'_

_Messages from 'Dorm 3198'_

_Text from 'Reg'_

Remus started by opening Snapchat, swiping from his camera, as to not see his barely away face, into chats, and tapped 'Ginger Queen <3'.

_merry christmas Rem!!!! hope you and your mum have a good day <3 xx _

**Thank you, Lily! Merry Christmas to you and your family, too! I hope Petunia isn't too much of a bother while you're home. X**

Working his way down the messages, he replied to Peter's 'Merry Christmas' message, adding a heart and present emoji on the end for good measure, sending the same to the flat group chat where James and Sirius had flooded the chat with GIFs and memes galore. He finally clicked on the last notification, smiling to himself as he did.

_Merry Christmas, Remus. I do hope (haha) you and your mother have a good day._

**Happy Christmas, Reg! Hope you have a good day too! Hopefully, I'll see you soon in the new year! Let me know when you're back at work and I could pop in to say hi? X**

Remus had spent a ridiculous amount of time smiling at his phone since Regulus first messaged him a few days before. Reg was...nice. Sweet. A little sarcastic at times, and dry humour that Remus could _so_ get behind, very similar to his brother. Their conversations had been mostly surface-level, just about schooling and jobs and such, not like some of the deeper conversations he'd had with Sirius, but Remus still enjoyed them nonetheless. He'd come out fast about being gay as casually as possible (Remus thought texting 'I'm gay, by the way' was as subtle as he could get) and continued the conversation from there, when Reg made it clear that it made no difference to him.

And that made six. Remus certainly wasn't ready to scream from the rooftops, but now six people knew and accepted him for who he was, and that was more than enough.

Assuming he wasn't going to get a response from Regulus immediately, Remus began to stretch out from his curled up pose, rolling out from under his duvet and pushing himself from the mattress in a sluggishly happy attempt to head to the kitchen. It only took walking out of his bedroom and crossing the hall until he made it into the living space - the living room, dining room and kitchen were all crammed into one cosy, homely room.

The smell of coffee was just as strong as in the cafe downstairs (shut today, of course) and even just the scent of caffeine was able to wake Remus up a little more. His mum was leaning over the counter, scrolling through her phone, but looked up and smiled as she heard the door creaking and groaning open.

"Merry Chrismas, mum," Remus smiled sleepily, shuffling over to Hope and hugging her.

"Merry Christmas, my love! Want me to make you a coffee before we open gifts?"

Remus gave a grateful hum, before whining as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He'd not been bothered to change, staying in his flannel bottoms and oversized grey jumper he'd slept in, and by the looks of it, his mum had done the same, tottering around the kitchen in thick fleecy pyjamas and matching socks. The coffee was nothing fancy, not like at the cafe or Regulus's work, just quick and instant to keep him going throughout the day, but the feeling of the warm mug in his hand and the steam heating the tip of his nose felt undeniably perfect.

"Okay!" Hope clapped, startling a still sleepy Remus into attention, "Present time!" She grinned, loving from the kitchen to stand by the Christmas tree. The tree was gorgeous, decorated with shining tinsel and unique ornaments that Remus and his mum had bought during their first Christmas in the city, just after Hope bought the cafe. Bending over, the picked up a few of the presents and handed them to her son.

"Thanks, mum!"

"I know it's not much, but you never tell me what you want for presents anymore!" She laughed.

Remus settled them on the sofa before picking up the remaining gifts and passing them to his mum. They both sat down and took to opening them.

Remus's first gift was large, soft and squishy, wrapped in silver paper with white snowflakes. He opened it, gently peeling back the tape and pulled out a hoodie. It was black, with white and black checkers sleeves and a large pocket at the front.

"I know it's not really your style and is a bit more out there, so we can change it if you aren't a fan!" Hope smiled warmly, glancing up from her own half-opened present on her lap.

The jumper seemed very much like something Sirius would wear, strangely enough, and Remus thought, for the first time ever, that 'out there' wasn't such a bad idea.

"No, Mum, I love it! Definitely out there, but I could do with a change in style"

Hope gave a content hum, then a gasp as she opened her present and held it. Remus had bought her new set of Rose Quartz Runes for her divination that she'd been badgering on about for months, and her eyes widened in joy as she blabbered thank you's and I love you's to her son. 

"That's alright, Mum! I knew how much you wanted some Quartz ones, and I thought we could try a few readings before I head back to uni! Not that I won't be here every Saturday anyway," Remus added.

The second gift Remus opened was a new pair of slip-on vans, similar to the checkers one's he always wore, but with cherries on top of the black and white pattern. The third and final was a fancy stationery set, including four new notepads (not that Remus didn't have plenty already) for his classes and he thanked his mum over and over for all of his presents. Hope opened her second gift, which was a large pyramid candle, which revealed crystals as it melted

They hugged, continuing their thank you's before both standing to start to clean up.

"So," Hope started as she leant over to pick up a piece of wrapping paper that had been thrown to the floor, "Is Lily coming here for New Years again?"

"I presume so," Remus smiled, mimicking his mum's actions, "She never mentioned anything different, but I'll call her tomorrow or if I don't hear from her again today and see. If her sister's been causing issues again, then she'll probably want to come here."

"No university parties, then?"

"Not that I know of. Pete's in Scotland - did I mention his parents retired up there - and he's the one who suggested the Halloween party, so I doubt anything will be happening."

"Ah, okay."

Remus gathered up the last of the paper from the floor and coffee table, before taking what Hope had picked up. He headed over to the kitchen to put the wrappings in the bin, slightly sad at chucking the gorgeous paper.

"Oh, love," Hope said as Remus headed back from the kitchen, now empty-handed, "This was left in the cafe yesterday, I'm guessing it's a Christmas present! I meant to give it to you last night!" She smiled apologetically, handing out a small black box to her son and sat back on the sofa. Remus took the box, sitting next to his mum and examining it. It was no bigger than his palm - which wasn't exactly small if he was honest - and done up with a gold ribbon, little curls falling onto the lid. There was a matching gold tag with cursive scripture saying 'Lupin' with a small butterfly doodle left on it.

Tugging away the ribbon and dropping it to the floor, he opened the box. Laying inside was a blue lighter, and at first glance, it seemed plain. On one side, however, was a little painting of a yellow butterfly on it; not just a yellow butterfly, but a Brimstone butterfly specifically. Remus pulled it out of the box and turned it over, to see a little moth painted on the other side of it, and he noticed a note was underneath.

_Lupin!_

_Merry Christmas! I'd have texted you, but what's the likelihood you'd have even opened the message?_

Remus could imagine the eye roll Sirius would have given if he was speaking out loud.

_I hope you enjoy the gift. It's not much - and no, I don't want anything back! Don't mind Wormy (you still haven't told me why you call him that, but now James and I call him that, too!) for telling me about the butterfly. He only told me what kind it was so I could paint it on, not the story behind it or whatever. And he mentioned the moth thing, too, don't hate him!_

_Anyway! James is having a little New Years get together at his place and you're welcome to come along. Pete can't come because he's still in Killin so it'd just be me, James, Lily and you, if you fancy turning up. Text me for the address?_

_Bring drinks! :)_

_~Sirius_

"That bastard," Remus shook his head.

"What's that, honey?" Hope questioned, tearing her eyes away from her new runes to look at her son.

"Black. He's..."

"He's?"

"Confusing." Remus twirled the lighter between his fingers, looking at the moth, then the butterfly, and then the moth again. He passed the present to his mum, along with the note, and couldn't help the sad smile as he saw Hope's eyes soften at the sight of the butterfly. "One moment, he's acting as if he's high and mighty and he's all dismissive, then the next he's trying to get into my pants, and then he's just trying to be friendly. I don't get it."

Hope sat up and forward, placing her runes oh-so-gently onto the coffee table and leaning towards her son.

"And what about you? How do you act to him, and how do you think he feels about that?"

"Mum!" Remus exclaimed, "Stop doing the therapist act! You gave all that up to run your little hippy cafe, remember?"

She laughed, light and free, shaking her head, "And you wouldn't have it any other way!" Pulling him down, she kissed the top of his head despite Remus's protests (although he was now laughing too). "Really though, Rem, how _do_ you act to him?"

"I'm not sure," Remus admitted with a shrug, "I guess I'm not as rude now that I'm used to the meds. Been on them a few months now so I'm not as irritable, which is good. We don't really talk. S-something happened..." He trailed off, gnawing at his thumbnail and looking away from his mum.

"What's that?" Hope asked curiously, running her hands through her son's curly locks, not pushing him much to tell.

" _Something_ ," Remus widened his eyes and raised his eyebrows in hope that might somehow get the message across. Even just the _thought_ of telling his mum out loud about any of it made him shiver with cringe.

"Oh... _oh_!" She laughed slightly, shaking her head, "Okay then! Well, are you two... a thing? Together?"

"I'd have told you if we were!"

"Just checking, love," She laughed again.

"No, we aren't a thing. It meant nothing. But he wrote a song about it. About me. Turns out he's a music student and performs at the Union regularly or something."

It was now Hope's turn to widen her eyes and raise her eyebrows at her boy, looking terrifyingly similar to him. "Remus, love, you're telling me you two hooked up-" Remus recoiled, "-and he wrote you a song, and is now sending Christmas presents, presents that have a huge meaning to you and he went out of his way to sort, and you still think he doesn't like you?"

Well.

She wasn't wrong.

"I- Well, okay, fine, so he doesn't hate me anymore. Fine." He huffed.

"What's wrong?"

"I just wish he'd speak to me rather than being ominous about it all."

"Have you spoken to him?"

"No..."

"Well, there you have it!" Hope grinned, standing up from the couch, "You should speak to the kid! By the sounds of it, he's been trying to tell you he wants to be friends for a while! And even if _you_ don't want to be friends with _him_ , talking it over and being civil is a good step to start with!"

Remus smiled softly, "True. Do you think I should go to this New Years thing then?"

"It seems like a good idea! Chill out, have a few drinks, pull him to the side and have a chat! If it doesn't go well, I'll come and pick you up? How does that sound?"

"Perfect!" Remus grinned.

After the performance at the Student Union, Remus hadn't really given much thought to Sirius at all. He didn't particularly feel anything towards him anymore - not even the same strange infatuation he'd had before - other than the small curiosity about wanting to be friends (that might be a small lie; Remus really wanted to be friends with him, if he was honest with himself, it was the negative feelings he didn't have anymore). Sirius wasn't an awful person, not really, just eccentric, and perhaps being friends, or at least just not hating one another, would be okay.

Remus was left to his thoughts for a moment as his mum left the couch with one last ruffle of his hair, returning a second later with a bottle of sherry and two glasses, promptly declaring that Christmas is the only time you can be a day drinker! She poured the honey-coloured alcohol into the two glasses and gave one to Remus.

"Sirius is firmly off of the table, then," Hope smirked, "But do we have any more developments in a potential love life?"

_Was there?_

"Well, there is someone I've been talking to, only for a few days though..." Remus smiled, thinking back to black hair (definitely short and falling into dark eyes, not long and tied into a ponytail).

"How did you meet him?"

"He works at the campus Starbucks. He's... nice."

Hope took a sip of her drink, before narrowing her eyes, "You sound unsure."

"No, no!" Remus waved one hand, the one not holding his drink, about, "He's lovely. Funny, sarcastic, sweet, he's nice. But he's not..." 

_He's not Sirius._

Which wasn't exactly a good thing to be thinking of - he shouldn't be comparing anyone to Sirius, let alone his own brother.

"I get what you mean, love," Hope smiled sympathetically, and Remus took the opportunity to down his drink, despite his mum's disapproving look.

As the conversation came to a close, Remus unlocked his phone, looking through the new notifications from the past couple of hours. Lily had replied only seconds before, and Remus hurried to reply.

_shes been okay so far, thankfully xx_

_been meaning to ask!! u coming to James' little thing for new years? he said he invited you? xx_

**Technically, Black invited me.**

_;) ;)_

**No, not like that. I might speak to him, though. Being friends might not be the most awful idea.**

_definetly not!!! i can pick you up and we can drive down together! ill call you tomorrow to sort it all out?? xx_

**Sounds perfect, Lils. X**

"Lily's going to pick me up from here and drive us both down to James's on New Years, by the looks of it, Mum," Remus smiled, looking over to his mum who'd returned to looking happily at her new runes.

"Okay, love! Tell her to come a little early so she can come in for a drink! I wanna see how her Christmas was!"

Sometimes Remus wondered if Lily and his mum were better friends than he and Lily were!

Grinning to himself, Remus shook his head and looked back at his phone. There were no other messages, not even from Regulus (which wasn't shocking considering he was with his family all day, and Reg warned him they wouldn't take well to him being on his phone).

He scrolled down his contacts, tapping on a different, more familiar name and typing out the message, smiling contently to himself.

**What's the address, then? I presume I would be staying over?**

**I hope everyone likes Sourz. :)**

Remus Lupin being friends with Sirius Black seemed so far fetched, but maybe he could make it work.


	16. Grey-Eyed Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Years chapter in the middle of August? Why yes, of course!
> 
> I actually love this  
> so much  
> :)

Sirius

"How do I look?!" Sirius cried, bounding down the stairs and throwing his arms up. Once he reached the ground floor and was stood in front of James, he spun around to show off his outfit before looking expectingly at his brother.

It was stupid, really, to be worried. He was wearing jeans, a band tee and his leather jacket, as he normally wore. 

"Why is he worried about how he looks?" His father asked in passing as he walked from his study to the kitchen.

"Lupin, probably!" James laughed to their dad, shaking his head, "Sirius, you look fine, chill the fuck out! They're going to be here any second!"

He and Remus hadn't spoken more than exchanging the address and details like times, and Sirius had spent the 6 days between Christmas and New Years positively bouncing about with anticipation. He wasn't nervous, of course, but he'd vowed to speak to Remus at some point tonight, in hopes they could kindle some sort of friendship from their strange acquaintanceship, and he was... okay, he _was_ nervous. Only a little.

"Coming!" James shouted from the stairs, bounding to the front door as he heard three loud knocks echoing in the entranceway. Sirius found himself stuck on the spot, tugging at his clothes and running his hands through his hair, praying he looked acceptable as James opened the door.

Lily was no less than stunning, obviously, as she always was, and if Sirius was attracted to girls in any way whatsoever, he'd be very jealous of his brother. She wasn't dressed extravagantly, just in blue skinny jeans and a white blouse, topped with a grey chunky knit cardigan. It was normal for her, a very typical outfit with simple but pretty make-up, but she still looked effortlessly gorgeous.

Remus, however... Remus was not dressed normally at all. Not really. Sirius had grown used to plain jeans, plain hoodies, plain sweaters, and those damn trashed Vans.

So, perhaps he wasn't dressed too differently, but the grey ripped jeans and checkers, more fitted jumper and new Vans was - well, Sirius didn't really know how to describe it other than the fact that he was _hot_.

"Hey, Rem! Hiya, sweetheart!" James grinned at Lily, pulling her into a tight hug at the doorway.

"Hey, Jamie!" She beamed back. Remus slipped past them into the hallway, taking slow steps until he came face to face with Sirius, who hadn't move from his spot at the bottom of the stairs.

"Black," He smiled.

"Lupin."

Remus looked as though he was going to say something further, before Euphemia Potter burst into the foyer from the kitchen, all smiles and happy cheers as she greeted Remus (who tried to give her a handshake and was instead met with a great big hug, as Sirius watched entertained next to him - the height difference made it hilariously awkward). James swiftly dragged her over to Lily, finally introducing them now they were on more than good terms, and Euphemia was just as welcoming to the petite ginger girl as she was to everyone else who came through her doors. Other than that one time with Walburga, of course.

Lily, James and Euphemia stayed chatting for a few minutes before Fleamont walked out from the kitchen to join them. He came over to Lupin, shaking his hand firmly before winking at the anxious boy ( _thanks, Dad, not obvious at all_ ) before he too was sucked into the chatter with his wife and son.

Remus and Sirius stayed off to the side a little, silent, Tense.

Sirius really just wanted to know if Lupin _was_ going to say something else or if he'd been imagining it.

The conversation slowly died to Sirius's relief and, after the Potters headed upstairs for the night, leaving the kids to it, James led them through the kitchen and outside through the back entrance. It opened up to a gorgeous patio space, with a comfy outdoor seating area finished with a firepit in the centre, already alight and roaring, making everyone's faces (Remus's in particular, Sirius notes) light up in the already dark night.

James, taking Lily by the hand, headed to the seating and plonked down into the middle of the u-shaped outdoor sofa, Lily quickly settling next to him and curling up against his side, smiling. Sirius shook his head, already sick and tired of the couple that wasn't really officially a couple, and sat down on the left of the seat. Remus sat directly opposite him rather awkwardly and smiled, just as awkward. Reaching down to the side of the sofa, Sirius delved his hand into the cooler he and James had set out just before the others arrived, pulling out cans of beer. He chucked one to James, then Lily who smiled and thanked him, and then Remus, who simply nodded.

Lily and James started - and carried - the conversation, Remus watching the pair fondly and Sirius watching him.

"I don't wanna go back to uni!" James slurred loudly, cuddling up closer to Lily. She laughed, her lips around her third or fourth beer, Sirius had lost count. They'd opened up a bottle of Sourz that Remus bought along at around 10:30 pm, not bothering with glasses and simply passing the bottle around them, fire still glowing strong. It was an hour after they began drinking the stronger stuff, and they were all pleasantly fuzzy around the edges, heads spinning contently.

"I know, but you can get back to your football too! So that's something!" Lily smiled, resting her head on his shoulder and placing her hand on his. _Gross_.

"Ah, true!"

Sirius shook his head, staring down at his own drink - he had lost count of his own consumption, too. He tossed back the last dregs in the can, crushed it in his fist and dropped it to the ground, groaning, "We are _not_ talking about school or work! Not happening!"

"Well then," Lupin spoke up cockily, talking for the first time in a while (it _might_ have been a while, anyway), "What do you propose we do?"

Sirius reached back and from behind the seating, bought out his acoustic guitar and plucked on a string as though to make a point. "Any requests?"

He watched as Lily and James looked at each other thoughtfully, trying to come up with a song for Sirius to sing, and Remus raised his brows, rolling his amber eyes. Something in the back of Sirius's mind begged and pleaded for Remus to request Medicine, the song Sirius wrote for him, and it took all of Black's willpower to not just turn around and start singing it anyway.

"How about Paramore? Don't care what song, really." Remus shrugged.

Settling the guitar against his body, Sirius positioned his hands, fingers pressing down on the fretboard, other wrist beginning to move to strum. He looked up, already falling into that strong, familiar daze he always got when playing - slipping into the soft rhythm of the song. His eyes met Remus's for a moment as the brunette settled back against the sofa, smiling and sipping from his can. 

"When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry and curse at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it..." Sirius sang softly, his focus solely on the music (and perhaps a little on Remus's gaze on him).

Lily perked up as she recognised the song, sitting upright but staying pressed against James (a James who was failing at seeming subtle and simply stared at Lily in the moonlight adoringly.)

"And my momma swore that she would never let herself forget, and that was the day that I promised I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But darling, you are, the only exception."

Finding himself swaying a little with the sound of the guitar and his own voice, Sirius looked back up to Remus, who, while also moving lightly to the music, had closed his eyes, smiling to himself contently. He kept singing, half-wishing he could stop and just talk to Remus, or dance with him, slight jealousy at how James and Lily were looking at each other, faces blushing and eyes shining. It was painfully clear how in love they were, and Sirius wanted for a moment to pretend he was in love, as in love as his friends (it wasn't ideal, of course, but he could pretend to do that with Remus for a night.)

"And up until now, I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk. But, you are, the only exception," He continued, allowing himself to fall back into the thoughtless trance that music gave him.

Before long, he reached the bridge and continued singing as he heard James speak up to Lily.

"I know I've been a prat... more than a prat, honestly, but I really think we could be good together. I want to show you I've grown up, Lily. I would love it if you'd be my girlfriend. No bribes, no false pretences."

Lily responded with a nod, a smile, and a gentle kiss on the corner of his lips as James beamed at her. Cuddling closer to each other, they listened as Sirius continued to sing, slowly drawing the song to a close. 

He strummed one last time before his hand stilled. Remus raised his can slightly, tipping it lightly towards Sirius with a smirk. Neither would break the silence, not while Lily stayed leaning against her boyfriend, and the couple had no intention of breaking it either.

Until, however, James dipped down, kissing Lily's jaw once, twice, and a third time, and he had to fight to push down that bubble of jealousy again. He was happy, however, to know he wasn't jealous of Lily, wasn't jealous of losing James. He was simply jealous of what they had.

Right," Sirius declared, setting down his guitar on the seat beside him. He pulled a cigarette straight from his pocket. "I'm going for a fag-"

"Not around us."

"-To get away from those lovebirds," He grimaced, seeing how Lily and James were still curled up tightly together, his face now buried innocently into her neck.

He stood, brushed the invisible dirt from his trousers and lifted his chin at Remus, who made no hesitation to stand and walk around the fire pit until he was next to Sirius. Both headed around the corners, and Sirius took to leaning against the wall, fag hanging between his lips. 

"I didn't know you could paint," Lupin said nonchalantly, passing his lighter - the one Sirius had painted for his present - to Black, who promptly lit his cigarette.

"You didn't know I could sing, either, but here we are," He retorted with a smirk, passing the lighter back to the taller boy. Remus gave a hum and lit his own roll-up.

They hovered in a silence Sirius was desperate to break, and desperate to break with one conversation in particular.

"Look, Lupin-"

"Black, we need to-"

They spoke at the same time, giving huffs of laughter as they trailed off.

"You go."

"Okay..." Remus chewed on his lip in what Sirius assumed was anxiety, "Thanks for the gift. It was... sweet. Means a lot to me, you know?"

"I thought so."

Furrowing his brows, Lupin looked up at Sirius, "But I don't get it? Me and you- we don't... we don't get along. I don't get why you did it."

The moonlight wasn't bright enough for Sirius to make out too much of Remus's face, and he was barely able to see how his nose scrunched up and lip stayed caught between his teeth. He itched to move closer, to be able to see the freckles dotting over the bridge of his nose, or the little golden specks in his eyes, even in the darkness of the night.

"It turns out I just _really_ want to be friends with you," Sirius smiled. Remus seemed taken aback, confused, eyes trying to press Sirius to elaborate. "As it turns out, you aren't a total bore or a dickhead, and you seem pretty cool to be around. So, yeah, I guess you aren't the worst person ever."

"Well... it's an honour to have _The_ Sirius Black wanting to be friends with me," He snorted at Sirius pushed his shoulder.

"Oi! Quit it!"

"Sorry," Remus chuckled unapologetically. "But, I feel the same. You're not a total cunt. Maybe friends wouldn't be an entirely horrific idea," He smirked at Sirius as he took a drag.

"Well then, perhaps I don't have to call you Lupin now," Sirius threw himself at the deep end, meeting Remus's eyes once again.

Remus chuckled again - Sirius could hear that on loop for hours and be just as happy as the first time he heard it - and shook his head.

"No, perhaps not. I'd say that you didn't need to call me that in the first place, but I did start it..." He lowered his head sheepishly.

"I know enough about your friend here to know exactly what kind of person you're going to be, _Black_ , and your introduction proved it. So my apologies if I'm not racing to join your clusterfuck of a friendship group!" Sirius mimicked, unable to contain his laughter and was pleased when Remus joined it, both of them leaning against the wall, giggling to themselves in drunken happiness at the stupidity of it all. They began to calm down, and Sirius continued, not looking at Lupin.

"I can call you Remus now, then?"

"Yes you can, Sirius," Remus smiled, biting his lip a little and _oh_ , if Sirius thought his laugh was perfect, Remus smiling as he said his name, his first name, was swiftly raising the bar for perfection!

"Thanks, Remus," He laughed, as though to make up for the months of not saying his name.

"You're welcome, Sirius," Remus played along.

"Remus."

"Sirius."

"Remus.

"Sirius."

"Remus."

"Siri-"

"Oi!" James yelled from around the corner, out of sight from both the boys, "Five minutes until midnight! Stop shagging and get back here!"

Remus sighed, exasperated but happy, and nudged his new friend - which was awfully bizarre for Sirius to think about - with his shoulder. "Think we should head back, Sirius?"

"I think we should, Remus!"

They began walking back, turning the corner to see Potter and Evans still cuddling on the seats, huddling for warmth as the fire; which they kept mostly well lit throughout the night; began to die down as they neared 12 am.

Remus took a seat in the same spot as before but shuffling a little to the left as Sirius came to sit next to him, and they both smirked, intentionally ignoring the downright gobsmacked looks from Lily and James.

They all talked between them for a few minutes, James keeping his eyes ever so slightly narrowed at the two boys, before he got the time up on his phone and they began to count down a minute from midnight.

"Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" They all shouted in unison as the clock struck twelve, tapping their half-drunk cans together in cheers. After a moment, James placed his hand gently on Lily's jaw, turning her head and pressing a loving, quick and innocent kiss on her lips, smiling slightly as he did so. Lily made no hesitation on wrapping her arms around her boyfriend's neck and kissing him again with more fervour, lips parted and eyes closed. They continued to kiss, disregarding the two _very gay, very awkward_ onlookers only a meter or so from them.

Sirius, in a desperate attempt to ignore his brother sucking face with his new girl, turned to Remus, who seemed to keep his gaze on the fire in front of him before meeting Sirius's eyes. Black wiggled his eyebrows, smirking.

"Not a chance in hell, Sirius!" Remus laughed, nudging his friend's shoulder once more.

"Aw, come on!" Sirius pouted over-exaggeratedly, tapping his lips with one finger, "Gimmie a little sugar!"

Shaking his head, brown curls flopping around and falling in front of his eyes, Remus sputtered, "Never! You have kissed parts of me I never want to think about again-" Sirius hoped his little squeak was silent, "-and you'll keep your lips far away from mine!"

"Oh, I get it!" Sirius quipped, and Remus hummed in confusion, "I'm just _so_ irresistible, and you're worried that a tiny little kiss will ruin our friendship!"

"A friendship that has existed for no longer than twenty minutes," He said flatly, finishing his drink and placing the can on the ground.

Sirius clutched at his chest overdramatically, and sighed heavily, sinking his shoulders. Most people would have assumed it was the alcohol, but Sirius knew that Remus knew him well enough to understand he was just always like this. Just always overdramatic.

He sucked a guy's dick just to get his attention and be friends with him. _Of course_ Sirius was overdramatic.

"And the short time makes is any less valuable? How could you, Remus! Or should I call you Lupin again, hm? If you're so content to disregard our perfect friendship that fast-" 

He cut himself off as Remus pressed his lips to the corner of Sirius's mouth fast, pulling back as quick as he'd leant forward.

"Will you shut it now?" Remus snorted, shaking his head, and Sirius savoured the light blush on his cheeks highlighted by the orange glow of the bonfire, "Man, I'm going to regret this friendship, aren't I..?" He mumbled (Sirius hoped he was joking).

After a moment of silence, other than the gross sounds coming from the couple near them (James had now pulled Lily onto his lap, and the kiss was _a lot_ less innocent now), Lupin spoke up again.

"Gimmie that!" He snatched the drink from Sirius's hands, and the darker haired boy stayed frozen, making no move to get it back.

"Fancy heading in?" Sirius chocked out, nodding towards Lily and James, praying silently that his voice hadn't wavered, still a little (a lot) shocked from Remus's pathetic excuse for a kiss.

"Yeah, sounds like a plan," He smiled kindly, slowly beginning to stand.

Okay, so he was friends with Remus now! Perfect!

The same Remus who'd he'd encouraged Regulus to date.

The same Regulus that Sirius was sure was only using Remus to get over James, who was now dating Lily, Remus's best friend.

_This was going to be interesting._


	17. "I'm, uh, with a friend."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back!
> 
> It's been a month of upset, breakdown, work stress, college stress and illness, but we're back and better than ever! I have never felt so inspired to write for this fic, and I hope you're all excited for what I have in store for the next 14 chapters or so!! <3  
> Thank you to my friends continued support while I stopped and then started this fic, and a shoutout to 'https://flammable-grimm-pitch.tumblr.com/' for recommending my fic on her September Fic Recs! 
> 
> Love you all!

Remus

_ Good morning, my Remus~~! How are you today?! <3 _

** Okay, Sirius, I get it. **

** We're friends now. **

** But you do not have to send me a wake-up message EVERY DAMN MORNING! **

Despite the anger he was trying to convey in his message, Remus couldn't help but smile as he rolled his eyes and tucked his phone back into his pocket. It was still a bizarre concept, to think of he and Sirius as friends after three months of hatred and tension (in various forms). But their messages over the past four days since New Years had been pleasant; funny, even; and Remus could already feel his excitement for this budding friendship growing. It would make it easier for James and Lily, too, now that their best friends weren't at each other's throats all the time. A few days of kind conversation wasn't much, and the change wouldn't happen overnight (not that they'd decided on the spot to be friends,  _ not at all _ ) but any progress was good.

Remus put his hands into his front jumper pocket, picking at his nails beneath the fabric and looking up at the emerald green sign with anticipation.

Sirius would probably call him pathetic for being so nervous, and the mear thought of Sirius's ' _ Come on, Remus! Grow some balls, you're attracted to them after all _ ' made him snort to himself, drawing the attention from multiple pedestrians walking by.

He shook his head. Now was not the time to be thinking of Sirius.

He had a different member of the Black family to capture his interests for now.

Stepping forward, watching as his feet hit the pavement, Remus pushed open the door to the cafe. The smell of coffee hit him hard, and just the scent was enough to wake him.

Instantly, his attention was captivated by the barista behind the counter, leaning on the surface and sipping from his drink. The rest of the cafe was empty, other than one or two couples spread about, and he looked thoroughly bored.

"Hey there, Regulus," Remus smiled, walking up to the counter and waving.

"Remus, hello."

The smile returned was small, hovering between the flat expression he'd met him with, and the flirty attitude he'd seen back at the flat in November of the previous year. 

"Could I have a mocha frappuccino please?"

"Now, did you just come here for coffee-" Regulus started, glancing up at Remus through lowered eyelids as scribbled on the plastic cup before filling it with ice, "-Or did you have an ulterior motive?" He teased with a smirk, seeming far more like the Regulus that had captured Remus's attention in the first place.

"T-there may be another reason I'm here..." Remus faltered, simpering timidly.

"Oh? And what would that reason be, hm?"

Regulus turned his back to him to continue making his drink, and Remus felt his courage bolster when he wasn't looking at dark eyes.

"Maybe I'm more interested in this cute, dark-haired barista who works here? Just a thought!" He said, leaning forward onto the counter and raising an eyebrow. Regulus spun around, drink in his hand, his own eyebrow raised. He seemed taken about for a moment, before giving a low laugh and shaking his head slightly.

"I think I might prefer you all nervous and blushing, Lupin."

"Do you now?"

"I do," Regulus smirked, passing the cup to the brunette, "On the house. I tend to treat cute Journalism students who come in to see me."

"Who said I was here to see you?" Remus teased, sipping from the straw and staring at Regulus.

"Why, is there some other cute, dark-haired guy you're interested in?" He retorted, just as amused.

Remus cursed himself as his mind went to Sirius.

"Of course not," He lied (was he lying, or was it a matter of confusion?), "No one else makes coffee as good as you, anyway!"

"Ah, so you  _ are  _ here for the coffee..." 

Remus knew he was joking - he watched as Regulus's lips twitched in the corners and how his eye roll was more in jest, and beamed as he watched the younger boy. Grabbing his own drink from the table, Regulus moved so he wasn't behind the counter, and the pair found themselves sat at the barstools at the front, feet facing each other and drinking in mostly silence.

It wasn't awkward, really, and they stayed content exchanging little glances and smiles when they looked up and met each other's eyes. 

"How's uni been?" Regulus asked as he finished his drink, eyes flickering to the till to make sure no customers had turned up.

"Well, I haven't had any classes in the new term yet, but I expect them to be..."

"Invigorating?" He suggested sardonically.

"Boring as fuck," Remus corrected, earning a small laugh from Reg. "My timetables changed so I don't have Monday classes anymore. Normally I'd be in lectures all day but I'm not in until Wednesday now. Only in three days a week."

"Only three days? What are you going to do with your time? I work, do A-Levels  _ and  _ help out with the family business, but I still feel like I have way too much time on my hands!"

Family business? That was the first Remus was hearing of it - not that he and Sirius were used to having civilised conversations.

"Well, I have a family business of my own, I guess? Mum runs a cafe, so I want to try and help out there more. Monday evenings will probably be spent watching your brother, and then study the rest of the time! I have somewhat of a social life now, too, so I can fill time with seeing friends."

Regulus's face darkened for a moment, almost unnoticeable if Remus hadn't found himself captivated by grey eyes framed with dark lashes.

"You've seen Sirius perform?" He said flatly.

"Yeah, saw him at the union just before Christmas, and then he sang something at New Years when we were at James's."

"How are you two, anyway? Not killed each other yet?" He asked, not entirely unkind, but with enough of an edge to it. What the hell had happened between the Black Brothers? Regulus stood up, taking his and Remus's empty cups, and headed back behind the counter. Remus stayed in his seat, watching him as he did so.

"Uh, no, not yet. We're... okay. More than okay, really!" Remus smiled, glad Regulus had his back turned to him. "We talked it over at New Years, and we've decided to be friends. Not an overnight fix, of course, but it's progress!"

He decided to omit a few details, not wanted to tell the younger boy anything about his and Sirius's midnight escapades.

"Well, that's good then." Regulus sounded a little strange, but he was still turned away, fiddling with the coffee machine, so Remus couldn't gauge his response. Maybe Sirius wasn't the best topic of choice.

Unsure of how to change the conversation, Remus simply bit his lip, staring awkwardly at his hands and picking at the skin around his nails. Regulus, also not saying any more, continued to busy himself with tidying the far counter, turned away from his companion.

"Oh, uh-" Remus began without thinking, desperate to pull themselves from the strange turn they found themselves in.

"Hm?" Regulus turned around, and walked until he was opposite Remus, across the counter, once again.

"I was, uh, wondering..."

"Yes?"

He'd given himself the opening (unintentionally, of course, but it was there) - now all he had to do was take that leap of faith and say it. Remus smiled, slipping his fingers through his hair anxiously, "Do you wanna grab a drink sometime - properly, I mean? Maybe something other than coffee?"

Regulus's face brightened - he didn't smile, but his eyes widened, eyebrows raising a little, and the corners of his lips twitched. He was gorgeous, really - features softer and a little more feminine than Sirius's, with the same protruding cheekbones and pink lips. 

"I finish in about three minutes if you want to wait for me," Regulus said, reaching over the counter and brushing a curl from where it fell in front of Remus's eyes. Heat rushed to the brunettes face, and he ducked his head a little, flustered. He'd said yes.

"Sounds like a plan!"

Smiling more genuine than Remus had seen before, Regulus moved another curl from Remus's face, before turning around again, muttering quietly to himself happily.

Remus suggested a tapas bar for their drinks, and they could grab a bite to eat while they were there too, seeing as it was almost midday. They chose a seat in the corner, dim lit and cosy, and ordered drinks (Remus was unbelievably glad they didn't ask for Regulus's ID, only to find out the boy had turned 18 only a few weeks before.)

The waiter bought their glasses of wine over, chardonnay for Remus and Cabernet Sauvignon for Reg, and they settled into calm conversation.

There were times when their hands would meet, only for a moment, just fingers brushing lightly over wrists, and Remus felt his breath catch a little. Other times, he'd look up from his drink to see Regulus staring at him with an expression he couldn't quite place, but that he knew he'd seen before, and his heart seemed to skip a beat - as cliche as it all sounded.

"I've been meaning to ask," Regulus started, ghosting his fingers over Remus's as though he was going to intertwine there hands, and Remus almost made the move himself. Where had this sudden confidence come from?

"Oh?"

"The day we met at the flat, why did you run out so suddenly?"

"Ah, well-" Remus's shoulders dipped a little and he let out a humourless laugh. He couldn't just tell him, not when Remus had seen how Regulus turned when Sirius was mentioned. "You see, when you-"

He was cut off by the sound of his phone vibrating on the hard wood of the table, and he saw Lily's name flash up on the screen. Regulus saw the name, too, glancing somewhat subtly at his phone.

"Sorry, I- uh,"

"Take it," Reg smiled small, almost a little sad, "I'll be here."

Remus, with a last smile, picked up his phone and headed for the beer garden and smoking area outside.

"Lily! What's up, kinda busy here!" He laughed, pacing back and forth, ignoring all the other patrons out there for lunch.

"Rem! Sorry, just got out of a lecture and was wondering if you're free. But obviously not!"

"Very much not, sorry love!"

"Where are you?" She questioned.

Remus paused.

He let out a huff of air, and replied.

"I'm, uh, with a friend." He said rather bluntly. He and Regulus were friends now, right?

"A friend?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"A friend."

"Okay-"

"Who is it?!" She exclaimed, still a little too loud, but volume low enough that Remus could bring the phone back to his ear.

"So, don't freak out..."

" _ Rem _ ."

"It's with Regulus Black."

The silence lasted for long enough that Remus thought Lily had hung up, until a murmur came across the line.

"Regulus Black, as in, Sirius's little brother?! The one that James-"

"Yes, that one! And what happened between him and James?" He asked curiously.

"Oh, never mind that. Is it meeting a friend, or  _ meeting a friend _ ?"

"What the bloody hell do you mean by that, Lily?" Remus laughed, confused.

"I mean, are you on a date?!"

Remus scoffed, "Of course not! Just hanging out!"

"Hm."

"We are! Now, I really need to go! I'll talk to you in a bit?"

"Yeah, talk soon!" Lily chirped, voice cheerful again before she hung up with an 'I love you'.

Leaving a quick message for Lily to say he'd come over to tea to talk more, he shook his head, laughing to himself, and headed back in, smiling widely as he caught sight of Regulus, staring into space, his face soft and calm.

"What was that all about?" Regulus chuckled as Remus settled back in his seat.

"Just Lily being... Lily." He summarised with a shrug and another laugh, taking Reg's hand from across the table.

"So, freakout?"

Ah.

Biting his lip, Remus looked at the table, eyes tracking the wood grain and gazing at anything but Regulus.

The answer, really, was a lot more complicated. 

_ You looked at me how your brother looked at me _ didn't seem like an entirely appropriate response to give him; not at all.

"Well, the way you were looking at me, was... uh- I mean..." Remus stumbled.

"Got someone a little flustered?" Regulus quipped, smirking and leaning forwards a little. 

"Perhaps," Remus returned the look, stroking his thumb over the back of his friend's hand.

The waiter bought over the food and the conversation continued, eating and laughing and continuing to brush fingers over wrists and feet over calves. They finished the tapas, and their second glasses of wine - perhaps a little too much for 2pm, but neither boy had it in them to care. Remus felt... comfortable. His heart wasn't beating wilding, he wasn't shaking or picking at his clothes; no anxious thoughts were skittering around in his mind, and Regulus's company was perfect. 

Not bad for their first time hanging out, if he said so himself!

He only hoped Reg was having a good time too, but if the more frequent smiles and the slight blush (oh so slight in the dim room, but Remus was staring enough to notice) was anything to go by, then he'd say he was.

It came to three in the afternoon, and Remus could already see the sun beginning to dip a little in the sky, the winter evening drawing in fast. They decided, to avoid walking in the dark, and to avoid 'Mother's Wrath', as Regulus worded it, to head out after their third drink. 

Hand in hand, they headed down the street back towards the centre of campus. While Remus tried to insist on walking his mate home; it might not be a date, but his mother  _ had  _ bought him up well; Regulus said he would get the bus back, and would enjoy the walk through the university grounds. 

While the conversation slowed, the atmosphere was under no circumstances awkward, and Remus wondered if the day could get any better. 

They reached Remus's apartment block just as the sun began to set over the horizon, and faced each other in the freezing wind.

"Can we agree to not tell Sirius about this?" Regulus said after a moment. He took both of Remus's hands and looked at him, almost eye level, grey eyes meeting amber.

"I was about to say the same thing," Remus laughed, face flushed against the winter air. "I had a really good time today, thank you."

"Thank you for asking me to join you. I was planning on asking you to hang out with me soon anyway. I'm shocked you beat me to it."

"Didn't expect me to be so spontaneous, did you?" 

"Something like that..." Regulus said strangely. "You best go up, you'll freeze out here!"

"Ah yes, and you need to catch your bus! I'll, uh, see you soon?" He asked hopefully, dropping his friend's hands and smiling nervously. 

"Of course. It was lovely to see you, Remus," Regulus smiled, giving a brief wave and heading off into the evening, hair shining under the orange glow of the setting sun.

Comfortable with his sexuality? Finally coming out? On good terms with Sirius? Friends with Regulus Black? 

Things seemed to finally be looking up for Remus.


	18. Lock and Key

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LKJSHDFALSKJ  
> THIS was the chapter I'd been SO looking forward to writing and ITS HERE  
> I can't wait to draw this chapter~~~
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3

Sirius

Sirius plucked the string of his guitar once more before dropping it onto the bed with a huff. To say he had no motivation was putting it mildly - he'd been couped up since Christmas, his new classes were draining the life out of him, he was aching to get back on stage, and the only exciting thing that had happened to him was finally being friends with Remus. Slamming shut his notebook, Sirius pushed himself to rest against the headboard, not bothering to put away his guitar properly. He  _ had  _ to do something today - Sirius couldn't bear the thought of sitting and doing nothing.

He could stick with the songwriting, but that was going nowhere. he'd spent more time staring at a blank page than he had written. James wasn't available to pester as he was on another date with Lily, of course, and Peter was out with Mary for the day. Regulus was out of the question. He was being shifty and awkward on Tuesday, and Sirius wasn't going to see his brother on days when it wasn't needed; not if it was going to be strangely tense between them.

That only left-

"Hey, Sirius," Remus smiled halfheartedly, peering into Sirius's bedroom through the door that Sirius hadn't even realised was open. Remus was in black jeans and an oversized jumper, an outfit Sirius had become accustomed to seeing.

"Remus," He greeted, suddenly fixing his posture and playing with his hair, hoping he looked somewhat presentable. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was just wondering though..."

"Go on?"

"S-Sirius, how the hell do I dress gay?" He laughed awkwardly, gesturing to himself, "Like, I dress like a 70's professor, not a gay kid from 2021!"

"Well, I'm glad you said it before I did!" Sirius spluttered as Remus flopped his brown sweater paws about, still in the doorway of his room.

"It's just," Remus continued, taking a tentative step into the room and tugging at the hem of his jumper, "You said before, back when you performed-"

"Yeah, I remember." Sirius hurriedly jumped in, feeling heat flood to his face, and a matching redness on his friend's cheeks.

"I was wondering if we could. Go shopping, I mean. I- I wanna be me, you know. I'm sick of trying to blend in or whatever."

Sirius pushed himself up from the bed and reached up to ruffle Remus's hair. His heart stuttered for a moment, remembering how soft it was that night in the kitchen. 

"Sounds like a plan. Fancy going today? I have nothing to do," He shrugged.

Smiling bright, Remus began to walk out of the room again, "Works for me! I'm just gonna get my shoes on."

Their shoulders brushed as they walked through the shopping centre, Sirius's head snapping about while he wondered what shops to drag Remus into. They'd gone to a centre a little further out, taking James's car to go to the next city over once Sirius realised how jittery his friend was.

"Chill out," He huffed, seeing how Remus was still picking at his fingers and pulling at the threads of his jumper. "There's no need to be nervous. No-ones gonna recognise you."

"I'm not anxious," Remus insisted. "I'm excited."

"That's good then," The older boy snorted, rolling his eyes and turning down an aisle, followed by the brunette. "So, what sparked this sudden change, hm? Why do you want to suddenly spice up the wardrobe and explore your style?"

"You sound like a really bad reality TV host," Remus laughed, shaking his head, "But honestly, I, uh, I've kinda met someone. Kind of." Sirius watched as Remus turned flustered.

"Oh okay! Who's this someone then?"

"No-one," He answered fast. "I mean, no one you know. I don't even know if he likes me back and we've only hung out once, but he's... nice."

"Nice?"

"Nice," Remus repeated with a smile.

"So you're trying to impress him with a new outfit or two, hm?" Sirius nudged his friends and winked, before pulling Remus into the store they were passing. "I'll pick some stuff out! In the meantime, I want to hear all about this guy!" 

The store was small and dark, standing out against the other stores in the stretch - the kind of place where Sirius could imagine the emo kids from 2013 flocking to (not because he was one of them, of course...), but with more splashes of pastel and neon colours about. There was a bored-looking sales assistant behind the till, dressed in all black and filing her dark painted nails, maying no attention to Sirius. He, who was now bounding around the store, holding up various items of clothing against Remus's body to envision him in it. 

"Ah, well..." Remus faltered, "He's sweet. Funny, sarcastic, an all-rounder, I guess."

"You said you've been on a date?" Sirius clarified, sifting through piles of clothing for the right size - Remus would need a large, simply because of his height. He might drown in it, sure, but they could try at least.

"Oh, no!" Remus seems scrambled, shaking his hands about as he followed Sirius like a lost puppy. He looked hilariously out of place, and Sirus pondered what other stores he could drag Remus to that were out of his comfort zone. "It wasn't a date, we just hung out," He insisted.

"What did you do?"

"Well," Remus picked up a hip chain and looked at it oddly for a moment before Sirius snatched it from his hands and skipped off without another word. "We walked to a tapas bar, got something to eat, had a few drinks, and he walked me back home." He shrugged.

Spinning around fast, Sirius tightened his grip on the clothes in his hand when he thought he might drop them.

"Remus!" He shouted, laughter colouring his voice.

"What?"

"That's a date, you dumbass!" Sirius cackled, shaking his arms and the clothes around.

"What?" Remus echoed dumbly, a gorgeous look of disbelief on his face.

"That," Sirius began, turning on his heel again and heading to the front desk, "Was a date, my friend! You've just been on a first date!"

"I have?"

"Yup! Uh, excuse me," Sirius spoke to the cashier, "Where are the changing rooms?"

The lady told them, and they headed around the corner into the changing area, Sirius continuing to tease Remus for his general obliviousness.

"Right, Loverboy-"

"Oh god no, that will not be my nickname!" Remus hissed, folding his arms and glaring at Sirius.

"I've chosen two outfits, okay? You don't have to put them on, but I'm sure you'll look great! This is the first one!"

Remus took the clothes and went behind the curtain, tugging it over and hiding him from view. Sirius could hear the sound of clothes jostling about, and he struggled not to think of Remus stripping, only a thin piece of fabric separating them both. In a desperate attempt to distract himself, he pulled his phone from his jacket pocket and went on to messages.

"Okay, I'm asking in all seriousness now. That was genuinely a date?" Remus called from beyond the curtain.

"Yes," Sirius huffed, tapping away at his phone, "It was genuinely a date, I can tell. Are you going to see him again?" He pulled up his brother's contact and typed out a message.

"Yeah, I think so. I had a really good time, so if he's up for another date then I'm all for it!"

_ Sorry, Reg, but you've missed out~~~! _

**? **

_ Remus - he went on a date yesterday. Seems interested in a second one too :/ _

** Oh, yes. Remus mentioned he was talking to someone, but he never said it was a date? **

_ He didn't think it was a date!!! They went to this tapas bar and had drinks then walked back together. sounded super romantic so i said it wasn't just 'hanging out'! _

** I guess you're right. A shame. **

Cocking an eyebrow, Sirius wondered why Regulus was giving up so easily; it wasn't like him at all. He didn't have much time to ponder, however, as his thoughts were interrupted.

"Sirius Black, if you think I'm coming out in this, you're fucking delusional!" Remus hissed, and Sirius could imagine the same look on his face as the day they met (and all the following arguments, really).

"Oh come on, Rem! I bet you look fab!" He giggled. Reality was, Remus probably didn't look great - he was too tall, and more masculine than Sirius was - but he was just too curious. Suddenly, the curtain was drawn back fiercely, and Sirius was met with a scowling Remus, arms folded and eyes narrowed.

"I fucking hate you."

Sirius's jaw dropped. The outfit, while originally chosen out as a joke, was strangely fitting for Remus. The oversized sweater, brown and fluffy, was similar to what Remus usually wore, but when paired with the black pleated skirt... Sirius fought the urge to run his hands up Remus's pale legs, fingers slipping over the dusting of light brown leg hair, to watch Remus tremble under him. 

"Now if you could stop staring like that," Remus said, trying to snarl but now obviously flustered, "That would be great."

"I- Uh, sorry," Sirius shook his head, willing the heat building in his face to dissipate, "I just zoned out. You look..."  _ Hot _ .

"Ridiculous. I look bloody ridiculous, Sirius, and don't you  _ dare  _ try and tell me otherwise!" He hissed, desperately tugging at the clothes in disgust, as if it caused him physical pain to wear them.

"No, really, you look... fine. Nice, even." Sirius lied - Remus was so much more than just nice.

Sticking a hand out, Remus huffed. "If I looked  _ fine _ , then you'd be able to actually look at me. Just give me the other clothes!" And he snatched the other items from Sirius's hand with a tut, before disappearing behind the curtain again.

More clothes were removed - as it sounded to Sirius - and was accompanied by Remus grumbling under his breath inconspicuously. After a moment, there was the jangling of metal, and then a sigh.

"You good?" Sirius asked after a moment of silence. Remus simply responded with a hum. "Do... do you like it? Does it look good?"

"I- It looks amazing."

"Really?"

"Really," Remus laughed from behind the curtain. "Did you expect it not to?"

"Not at all!" Sirius insisted, "I knew it would look great! I just wasn't expected you to think that it looked great..."

"Oh."

"Well come on then!" He huffed, amused, "Come out and show me!"

There was another pause.

"Do you trust me?" Remus asked after a moment, and Sirius could hear the sound of fabric being moved about again.

"Do I- Yes, I trust you, what's going on?"

Suddenly, the curtain was pulled back and Remus was in front of him once again, in the same sweater and jeans he arrived in. 

"What the fuck, Lupin?"

"Right," Remus started with a sigh, "I'm going to pay for this, and then I have an errand I need to run! After that, I'm going to get changed into this-." He signalled to the pile of clothes in his arms by raising them a little, "-And you can see it then. How about you go and find a cafe or something, get a drink or whatever, and I'll meet back up with you?"

Sirius was beyond confused, and almost told Remus he'd just tag along for the errand, before realising that the boy clearly wanted his privacy.

"If you're sure," Sirius said a little put-out, "I'll just go to Cafe Nero around the corner. But I'm paying for these; I picked them out, it's only fair!" He snatched the clothes from his friend's hand and spun on his heel to head away from the changing rooms.

He paid for the items, despite the pleads from Remus, who was trailing behind him once again. They went their separate ways by the entrance of the shop - Remus clutching the carrier back excitedly as he headed off with a skip in his step.

Sirius made it to the cafe in only a few minutes, ordered an iced coffee and took it to the seating area outside. As he lit a cigarette, he tried to watch the buster from across the street, only to find his mind wandering back to Remus. At first, it was simple curiosity as to where Remus was going, what he was doing and why he hadn't wanted Sirius to join him. Then, it was to this mysterious man he'd been on a date with. He'd never admit it out loud, of course, but Sirius was glad it wasn't Regulus. It made things easier, for sure. His brother being interested in his friend didn't turn out well last time, and Remus wasn't as confident and assured of himself as James. If things went badly, the fall out would be  _ so  _ much worse. Another part of him, something he was even less likely to admit to, was a little jealous - someone else was taking up Remus's attention, and that didn't settle right with Sirius. Sure, up until now, his and Remus's reactions weren't pleasant, but Remus's attention had been on him, and on him alone, for the most part. Now they were friends, that might change a bit.

Not that he had the right to be mad.

He took a sip from his drink and watched the busker pluck away at the guitar with so little technicality that it made him cringe - but he sounded good; Sirius couldn't complain too much. There were worse things to hear while he was having a smoke and a drink. He was disturbed by this thoughts as a shadow fell over his eyes, and he took a last sip of his drink before looking up.

"So, what do you think?"

Remus was in front of him, arms spread out wide as he showed off his new outfit. I choose damn well, Sirius thought to himself as he looked Remus up and down. It was simple, really. He had on a black t-shirt with ' _ Angel Face, Devil Thoughts _ ' written on the front, layered on top of a simple white button-up. The collar poked out from the top and was joined by a chain with a lock on it, which was rather short and looked something akin to a choker. He wore the same Vans and faded black jeans as before, but now hip chains hun from the belt loops - simple, but tied the outfit together well. Remus's hair was messier than normal, and one of his dodgy roll-ups hung loosely from his pale pink lips. 

Then Sirius saw it. Above his lips, Sirius eyed the piece of metal, and saw the new septum ring Remus now had, a little crooked and shining in the winter sun.

"What do you think?" Remus smiled, then flinching as his nose scrunched up a little, "The outfit is a little more... grunge, I guess, than I expected, but I love it!"

"Y-you- Your nose..." Sirius stammered, still eyeing up Remus, hoping he was a little more discrete than he felt he was.

"Oh, yeah, thought it would be cool to do something random and spontaneous!"

"It, uh," He coughed, clearing his throat from where he'd gone all croaky, "It looks good. Suits you." Remus opened his mouth to speak, but Sirius spoke again, "Do you want a drink? I'll go and get you one. You just, uh, sit, I guess." He faltered, before putting his fag out into the ashtray and jumping from his seat, rushing into the cafe. 

There was no queue, so Sirius placed the order right away (the same as he's bought, as he'd forgotten to ask Remus what he wanted in his flushed display). Huffing exasperatedly, Sirius leant against the counter and blinked once, twice, trying to erase the image of Remus from his mind. Remus was his friend, his friend! He wasn't just his fit roommate anymore; Sirius couldn't just eye him up and think of him like that. Okay, Sirius wasn't perfect (far from it, in fact), but he had  _ some  _ sort of a moral compass. Even if it was minimal...

He took the drink, headed to the doors and looked out of the window. Across from his seat was Remus, staring off into space and twitching his nose, trying to get used to the sensation of the horseshoe ring under his skin. After another sigh, trying to drop the tension from his shoulders, Sirius pushed open the door and walked over to his friend.

"Here," He smiled, passing the drink to Remus who simpered back.

"Thanks! You have anything else you need to do today? Anywhere else you want to look?"

"Well," Sirius thought for a moment about where Remus might want to go, "I wanted to get some new stationery, like some new notebooks to keep my songs in. I want to copy them all over from my old notepad to they look cleaner and more... official, I guess. Popping into Waterstones isn't a bad idea, see what new books they've got. Oh, and into the music store on the ground floor. I need picks," He finished, picking up his own drink and smiling around the straw.

"Okay, cool! I, uh, want to go into another couple of clothing stores. Try and get some stuff like this," He tugged gently at the collar of the t-shirt, before wrapping a finger around the chain hanging from his neck. 

Sirius, looking up from his drink to catch where Remus's head was tilted up, exposing the span of his pale neck and playing with the necklace, found his breath catching in his throat. 

"You- you really like it then? What I picked out?"

"Like?!" Remus questioned in disbelief, "I love it, Siri! I'd never have chosen it for myself, but I think I look great! Better than what I wore before, anyway! I think I look rather hot, to be honest!" He beamed an infectious smile, and Sirius watched in awe as his face lit up. Sirius couldn't admit it aloud that, yes, Remus  _ did  _ look hot, but hoped that Remus gathered his opinion anyway. (Sirius chose not to mention how Remus called him Siri but stored that small fact in the back of his mind for a later date.)

Sirius teased, "Better than the skirt at least?"

Remus's face dropped as Sirius began to laugh, and the grip on his drink tightened. "I can't believe you put me in that! You look hot in skirts, fine, but I do not! Never again! I'll stick to my jeans and new piercings, thanks!" He huffed overdramatically, flicking his nose ring and flinching afterwards.

"You're so sassy now! The clothes have changed you, what have I done?! I've made a monster!" He cried, bringing a hand to his forehead in feigned exasperation.

"What can I say, the new clothes make me confident!" Remus flicked his wrist.

Leaning forwards, Sirius bought his hands under his chin, resting his elbows on the table and cocked an eyebrow. "Who are you," He started, making sure the teasing and amusement in his voice was evident, "and what on earth have you done with Remus Lupin? The Remus I know would never call himself confident!" Sirius laughed, noticing how his friends face turned red.

"I- well, I mean, I-"

"Chill, I'm kidding! It's nice! You need to be more confident and sassy anyway, Remus! It suits you," He concluded with a shrug.

"Really?"

"Yup. But it's about how you feel. If you feel confident in those clothes, then that's what matters."

"I do," Remus smiled small, "I really do. Ready to ask cute boys on dates, I think!" He laughed in a tone that Sirius knew was only half-joking, and he pushed down that bubble of jealousy that was beginning to rise in his chest.

"Well get to it then!" He forced himself to smile! "Message him!"

"Ah, later," Remus dismissed with a wave. "I wanna drink this, have a fag, and then get some more clothes!" His lips stretched from ear to ear in a blindingly brilliant smile.

Sirius wondered if he's ever seen a smile so genuine, bright and happy.


	19. Tragedy Need Not Be A Downer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "One of the greatest things drama can do, at it’s best, is to redefine the words we use every day such as love, home, family, loyalty and envy. Tragedy need not be a downer. " 
> 
> Ben Kingsley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homphobia, panic attacks, bad parents, and i think thats it?  
> I'm sorry, Rem-  
> OH and a few unsavoury phrases from Remus (he went way too sassy!)
> 
> I give anyone in this situation my full love and support <3

Remus

"Woah!" Lily shouted, eyes wide and mouth agape, "You look  _ hot _ !"

"You say that like it's a surprise," Remus laughed sheepishly, tugging at the collar of the shirt underneath his t-shirt. He was wearing the outfit he'd bought with Sirius the week before, and couldn't help but agree with Lily's statement.

"The septum ring... the chains, the shirt..." Lily murmured, looking Remus up and down in a way that made him squirm.

"Let's just go!" He said, pushing past her and heading out of the apartment door. He made it down the short corridor until he arrived at the stairwell. Looking over his shoulder, he saw Lily stood still, not turning to follow him. "Lily, I'd like to go shopping sometime soon, so if you could  _ not  _ be hung up over the outfit change, that would be great! Plus, you're driving, and I'm not about to walk to ASDA."

Finally, Lily turned on her heel, shaking her head and glaring a little at Remus.

"Why?" She huffed, trudging along, running down the stairs as Remus took the steps two at a time. 

"Why what, the new outfit? Well, I thought-"

"Why did you have to be gay?!" She cried, amused, looking up at Remus, and he was sure she caught the redness on his cheeks. Instead of turning awkward, however, he continued down the stairs and teased.

"Awh, are you still hung up over me, love?"

"Keep looking like this-" She eyed up Remus, lips twitching in a small smile, "-And I might just be!" Now at the bottom of the stairs, Lily pushed open the door and they began to walk through the quad.

"I don't think James would be too pleased with that!" Remus chuckled, imagining his friends face if he ever heard this conversation - or about Lily's previous crush on him.

"Nor would Sirius!"

Remus stopped, legs stiffening, and now was his turn for his jaw to drop.

"And why, pray tell, would Sirius be unhappy?" He asked, emphasising each word confusedly.

"Because... well, I don't know," She shrugged, "I just know he would be. As would you if he got snatched up!"

"I wouldn't care if Sirius got 'snatched up' Lily, we're only friends. You know that." He ran to catch up with her, and rolled his eyes as he saw her smiling. It was time to put a stop to that. 

They made it to Lily's car in a comfortable silence. As Lily went to the driver's side, pulling her keys from her jacket pocket and sitting behind the wheel, Remus slid into the passenger's seat. He pulled down the sun visor and looked at himself in the mirror. He'd tried eyeliner today, one that he'd borrowed from Sirius. It was only small, just some smudged black eye pencil on his upper lashline, but it didn't look awful, that's for sure. He ruffled his hair, and smirked.

"And besides," He said, continuing the conversation from a few minutes prior. "I'm seeing someone."

Lily's grip on the steering wheel tightened, knuckles turning white, and her head whipped around, hair sent flying.

"You what?!" She shouted, voice bounding from the walls in the car, and Remus flinched before he laughed.

"Ha! I knew that'd get you! No, not technically," He smiled with a shrug, and Lily visibly relaxed, and she turned back to the road.

"You," She started with an amused hiss, putting the key in and starting the ignition, "Are a bastard, Remus Lupin. I really thought you were seeing someone! So come on, explain these technicalities, then!"

Shoulders sinking, Remus smiled a little. He'd been meaning to talk to Lily about this since his shopping trip with Sirius, and he was more than relieved to finally have that chance.

"Well, I went on a date. We have a second one planned."

"With?" Lily encouraged, and Remus could see the interested look on her face, even as she stayed focused on the road, pulling out from the parking spot.

"Regulus..."

"What?! But you told me you were just hanging out?!"

"Calm down, Lily!" He laughed, "I spoke to Sirius about it, and he told me I was being dumb and that it was a date. So, eventually, I messaged Reg and just asked. He said he was under the impression it was a date, and I said I was more than happy with that!" Remus beamed, glancing over to Lily who shook her head a little.

"So let me get this straight-"

"Not very straight, but go on."

"-You spoke to Sirius, your spontaneous new best friend about dating his own brother, who you know he doesn't have a brilliant relationship with?"

"Yes?"

"Remus!" Lily scolded.

"Lily!" He mimicked back, "It's okay! Regulus and I decided not to tell Sirius we were hanging out, and then not tell him that we'd been on a date. Sirius doesn't know it was Reg. I just told him it was someone he didn't know. I guess that, because he knows I'm not used to this whole dating palaver, he didn't press."

Lily pulled on the handbrake as they reached a red light, and she took the moment to look over at Remus. "Do you really think this is a good idea?"

"What, Lily?" Remus asked, cocking an eyebrow, "Seeing Regulus or keeping it from Sirius?"

"I don't know, Remus! Both? You've only just become friends with Sirius, do you really think he'll be okay with you seeing his brother?" Lily's focus was now captured by the road again, but the disapproval and worry on her face was evident.

"Look, love, Regulus and I aren't anything serious yet. Haven't even kissed him! As soon as I think it's something more... long term, I guess, then I'll tell Sirius. But honestly, I think he'll be fine with it!"

"I just don't want you to get hurt..."

Remus stuck out a hand in his friend's direction, extending a pinky finger, "I'll be okay. I promise."

Lily copied, removing one hand from the steering wheel and looping her finger with Remus's, "Okay, I trust you. Now come on! I want to get the shopping done before it gets too busy!"

They soon pulled into the car park and got out of the car, stretching and aching as they did. 

The store was relatively quiet for a Saturday morning, and Remus and Lily took their time perusing the aisles for what they needed. As every week, they replenished their stock of different kinds of pasta, jarred sauces, cereal and other bits to get them through the upcoming week. Once the trolley (shared, of course) was full, they headed back to the front of the store.

"I need more cigarettes," Remus said after they'd gone through the checkouts, pushing his full trolly in front of him, "Do you want to head to the car? I'll meet you there if you'd like?"

"Sure," Lily grinned, taking the shopping trolly from Remus's grip, "I'll take the shopping. Fancy getting a couple slushies while you're there?" 

"Of course," Remus smiled as Lily stood on her tiptoes, kissing his cheek, "I'll only be a moment!"

Lily, pushing the shopping, walked away from the kiosk and headed out of the store; glancing over at Remus from over her shoulder. Remus waited in line, hands deep in his jumper pocket, looking around at the shoppers. There were two people in the queue in front of him. The first - already being served by the lady behind the counter - was a frail old lady, with tufty white hair and a hunched back. She reminded Remus of his late maternal grandmother, from her big cardigan to her black walking stick, and he remembered her fondly. The second, the lady right in front of him, had a bad pixie cut, tight t-shirt and jeans and was smacking gum unbearably loud, picking and filing her nails as she queued. Shuddering as the sound and the sight, Remus took to looking at the prices and flavours of the slushies.

The old lady finished being served and walked off with a smile and a wave to the cashier (who looked bored, but now slightly happier), and the  _ Karen- _ looking lady was next. Remus took a step forward as his phone went off in his pocket - loudly.  _ Florence + The Machine _ echoed loudly around that area of the store, and Remus scrambled to get his phone out, answering as soon as he saw 'No Caller ID'.

"H-hello?" He answered, giving apologetic looks to the disturbed shoppers around him.

"Hello. Is this Remus John Lupin?" A muffled, crackly voice came from the other end. It sounded strange, and Remus couldn't recognise it.

"Speaking, Who's calling?"

"Wow," The other line chuckled, before coughing wetly, "I know it's been a while, but you can't even recognise the voice of your old man?"

Remus's heart stopped. He almost dropped the phone, tightening his grip last minute, knuckles going white.

"Dad?"

"Hello, son! How have you been?" His father croaked with false sincerity, a voice that Remus hadn't heard for two and a half years.

"What do you want?" He spat, trying to keep his voice level as anger and fear bubbled away inside of him.

He laughed again, "You've gone cold! What happened to my sweet loving boy, hm? What's that bitch been doing to you?"

"My mother," Remus began, now walking away from the line and to the exit, "Has done nothing to me. If you want to know why I'm acting as I am, think about how you treated me last time I saw you." He raced out of the doors, turning left and hiding around the corner of the building, so Lily couldn't see him from the car. He was panting, breaths coming ragged and harsh, and tears stung in his eyes. He wanted to scream, to shout for help, to tell this  _ monster  _ to leave him alone, to feel in control of something. Instead, he spiralled, head feeling dizzy and hands turning clammy.

"You know why I did what I did, Remy, my boy!"

"Don't call me that."

"You're a disgrace! It's sin, boy, you know that! You homosexuals-"

"Try and say that with more disgust!" Remus hissed, provoking him, anger talking him by the throat, choking him, "I dare you! So go on, try and sound more disgusted about what I am and who I love!"

"It's not fixed, then?" Lyall barked with unamused laughter, "You're still a fa-"

"Yes! I am!" Remus cut him off. He was shaking now, knees weak and tears trailing down his cheek. He'd done so much -  _ his mum _ had done so much- to get them away from him, and here he was, calling out of the blue. "I'm still gay! I snog boys and they take it up the arse, and sometimes I do too because I like how it makes me feel, and I'm sick and fucking tired of living in fear of what you think about me! I'm gay, alright! Boys are hot! Mum loves me all the same and I have friends who do too, so you mean  _ nothing  _ to me what I have them! So why don't you hurry up and tell me what you want! Because, funny enough, I'm on my knees in front of this gorgeous cock, and I'm really aching to get on with it, if you'd be so kind!" He finished with a snarling, sarcastic hiss. 

There was a choking, guttering sound on the other end of the line, before a cough. Despite the silent sobs spilling from his lips, and the tears beading at the corner of his lips, Remus smirked. He had no idea where that came from, none whatsoever, but  _ damn  _ he was proud.

"I was," His father spat, "Going to see if you'd been cleansed of your sins and wanted to come and see me! But seeing as that hasn't happened, I'd rather revoke that opportunity."  _ Opportunity? Like I want to come and see you! _ "I don't want to hear from you again until you'd fixed your ways, Remus. I'll leave you and your incompetent mother to whatever it is you filthy creatures do, and maybe one day, once she's finally sent you off to get fixed, you'll come and see me."

"Over my dead body," Remus said, but really, going by the guttering from the other end, it was over his fathers instead.

"Remus John Lupin, I swear-"

Remus hung up. He couldn't hear another word. His father,  _ his own dad _ , was disgusted with him. Maybe he was right? Being gay wasn't normal! Maybe it was for some people, like Regulus, James and Sirius, but for Remus... It was wrong. He was meant to like girls!

His legs gave out and he sunk to the floor, shaking and sobbing loudly, suffocating on his breaths. He stuck his phone in his pocket before his fingers made their way to his hair, and he pulled. He pulled, and pulled, screaming, crying, hunched over in the little side alley wishing he was anywhere else but there.

He tugged harder at his hair one last time, before hands wrapped around each of his wrists, pulling his fingers away from the brown locks. 

"Remus?! Remus, come on, look at me!" The voice shouted. Remus couldn't tell who it was; it sounded croaky and muffled and staticky, almost like the voice on the phone, and he screamed even louder. 

"Rem! Oh my god, Remus!" Another voice cried, panicked. It was higher in pitch, and Remus almost, almost knew who it was. "Fuck! Remus, Sunshine, look at us, please!" They pleaded, and Remus finally looked up to meet two pairs of eyes.

"L-L-L-Lily..." Remus stammered, a calm feeling washing over him at the sight of bright green eyes and dark red hair. Next to her was...  _ James? _

"Remus!" James seemed visibly relaxed, his hands still around Remus's wrists, and he crouched down to his level. "Remus, hey, can you tell me my name?"

"J-James," He stuttered, trying to free his hands from James's grip. The older boy let go, however nervous, but Remus simply wrapped his arms around his legs.

"Okay, that's good! I need you to try and follow my breathing, alright, Remus? Copy me. In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four..." He continued, and Remus took in a breath, holding and exhaling when James said, still trembling on his spot on the floor. After what felt like ten minutes or so, Remus's head fell back against the wall and his eyes felt heavy, as though he could fall asleep, crouched in the alleyway. He barely registered the feeling of his arm over James's shoulders before he must have passed out.

Remus woke up in the communal living space, slouched on one of the sofas, a blanket (that he recognised as one of Peters) wrapped around him. Lily and James were on the other settee, talking in hushed voices, shutting up as Remus blinked and sat upright. 

"Here," Lily mumbled, passing a mug of hot chocolate from the coffee table to Remus with a sad smile, before pulling the blanket further around his shoulders. 

"T-thanks-" He yawned, before taking a sip of the drink, pleased at the burning sensation as it travelled down his throat. "What happened? H-how did you get me here?"

"James carried you," Lily explained softy, settling back on the sofa next to her boyfriend. "I bumped into him leaving the store. We talked for a bit before we heard screaming, and then he found you."

Remus shook, and placed the mug back on the table. He bought his feet to the sofa, curling up.

"Sorry..."

"Don't apologize, mate!" James laughed, "But I am going to ask. What happened?"

Feeling himself choke on terror again, Remus's breathing became laboured, and his shoulders shuddered. "M-m-my f-father..." He finally mumbled out, holding back a sob as Lily jumped from the other sofa and quickly pulled Remus into her arms.

"Oh, Rem..." She said sadly as Remus buried his face into the crook of her neck.

"I-I forgot how h-h-horrible he was!" Remus cried, pulling Lily closer. It was awful, to be such a mess, and with James there of all people, but he couldn't help it now. "T-The things he said, Lily! H-h-he said Mum was incom-incompetent! You know she's not, right? You know sh-shes good!" He sobbed.

"She is, she's so good, she's wonderful and so are you, okay? We love you so much, and you need to ignore everything he said, alright?"

"She's right, Remus," James reiterated from across the room, "He's not worth getting worked up over. Sirius- well, you'll have to ask him, but he went through bad things with his family, and now look at him!"

"Really?"

"Of course! It takes time, but you'll realise that the world is so much bigger than a few nasty homophobes, and you'll flourish, you really will! I mean, you're trying different styles and makeup and Sirius mentioned you'd gone on a date! That's all amazing, Remus! You're doing well, please don't let this be a setback, okay?"

Remus looked up to see James looking at him with pleading eyes, as though he'd given the same speech before, and it didn't take Remus long to realise who. He opened his mouth to respond, to say okay, when he heard the apartment door open and then close. 

"Oi! Anyone here! Please tell me you've not all abandoned me, you d- Remus?" 

Sirius stopped dead in the hallway, eyes widening as he looked down at his friend. Remus must have looked a right state. Eyes red and puffy, chapped lips, tear tracks over his cheeks, hair ruffled, and pressed into Lily's side in a grounding hug. 

"Sirius," Remus muttered for no particular reason.

"What the fuck happened?!" Sirius seethed, chucking his phone and wallet onto the sofa next to James as he walked over to Remus. He took the spot to the other side of him and took his hands.

"M-my dad..."

"Bastard!" Sirius shouted, apologising as Remus flinched. "Is this because of that fucking letter?"

"Letter?" Lily questioned with a tilt of her head, and Remus felt guilt swallow him whole. He never told Lily.

"That knobhead send a disgusting letter to Remus at the beginning of December!" 

"Why did you never say?" Lily didn't sound offended, just curious. Remus pushed himself more upright so he was sat in between the pair, with James watching on from the other sofa. His hands were still in Sirius's, warm and soft.

"There... there were more important things happening at the time," He told her, giving a side glance over to Sirius as he did.

"But- oh, right, okay..." She smiled.

"Are you alright?" Sirius quizzed fast, "Is he going to leave you alone? Did you give him a piece of your mind? Did-"

"Pads!" James barked with a laugh, "Give him a moment! You aren't his mother!"

"Really," Remus said weakly, "I just want to sleep for now... Is that okay?"

"Of course!"

"Go for it, Remus."

"Want a hand?" Sirius offered, lips pressed tightly into an awkward smile and giving Remus's hands a small squeeze. Remus, instead, pulled his hands gently from Sirius's and gave a fake smile.

"I-I'm okay... I'm just going to try and sleep it off. I'll, uh, see you guys later?" He faltered, slowly standing from the sofa on shaky legs and stretching. He ignored the worried glances everyone gave him as he trudged out of the room, Peter's blanket still wrapped around his shoulders, his hands warm from Sirius's touch.


	20. Missing Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A 4.3k chapter written in a day? Go me :)
> 
> Some people,,, won't like this, I'm sure of it.  
> BUT I had SO much fun writing this, and that's the main thing! That being said, I do hope you enjoy! :)
> 
> (Song is Happy Endings by MIKA - thank you, Nep, for reminding me this beautiful song exists <3)

Sirius

Back sliding down the door, Sirius grumbled, hitting his back of the head against the wood.

"Remus, come on, please," He pleaded, running his hands through his hair in frustrating, curling up in the corridor. "You need to come out or speak to one of us sooner or later."

Silence. 

Not even the shuffling of fabric came from beyond the door, and Sirius was sure that Remus would still be curled up in bed, as still as anything, shutting the world out.

"Look, Rem, I know how much what he said must have hurt you, but you need to try and forget it. We're all so worried. Your mum has started calling James, for god's sake! How the hell did she even get his number?!"

Remus had shut the door Saturday afternoon, and by 4 pm on Monday, no one had heard a word from him.

They tried opening his door, to no luck, as he'd locked it on the other side. He wouldn't be coaxed out with food, or drinks, or cigarettes (that was Sirius's desperate attempt). He and his roommates had heard crying a couple of times, as well as some disgustingly sad music that made Sirius depressed just thinking about it; but the boy hadn't spoken a single sentence. James and Peter were off for the day, and despite his own lessons, Sirius couldn't bear the thought of leaving the apartment, in case Remus needed help or food or anything once he came out of his room. If he came out of his room.

"Remus please!" Sirius shouted, voice cracking, hands tightening in his hair, "The longer you stay in there, the worse it'll be when you get out. Trust me, Rem. Trust me."

"...How do you know that?"

Startled, Sirius spun around on the floor, his head hitting the door with force, and he yelped in pain.

"Remus! Oh my god, Remus! Are you alright?" Sirius scrambled, placing a hand on the door in hopes Remus could feel it.

He was in too deep, for sure - he couldn't care this much about someone who was seeing someone else, especially when they were only just friends, but Sirius couldn't seem to make himself care.

"How do you know?" Remus repeated, small and meek, croaking as though he hadn't drunk in days. He hadn't.

"How do I know what?"

"How do you it'll be worse the longer I leave it?" He asked for the third time, and Sirius heard a dull thud against the door as, he guessed, Remus leant his back against it. Shuffling back, he took the pose he was in before until they were leaning back to back, with the door between them.

"Oh. Well..." Sirius bit his lip. He hadn't told anyone about this - other than James, of course - but Remus seemed like a perfect candidate. "I was kicked out when I was sixteen for being gay. James's family took me in and I'm so grateful for them. But, when everything first kicked off, I didn't say a word, didn't leave my room, wouldn't eat. When James finally,  _ finally _ got me out, I was a mess. I ended up needing therapy, I was on meds for a while, all because I shut myself off." Sirius finished with a shrug, even though Remus couldn't see.

"How long?" Remus asked, murmuring through the door.

"How long did I shut people out? A while. A few months. I was really ill."

"Oh..."

"So please," Sirius asked softly, "Please open the door..."

There was a moment of silence, and Sirius wondered if Remus had gone back onto his bed, ignoring him. Then, after what felt like years, Sirius heard the lock unlatch, and he stood up quickly as the door slowly opened. 

Remus was in a random tatty black hoodie and boxers, his hair more unkempt than normal, and eyes red and puffy. He yawned, wincing at the bright light coming from the hall - compared to his own room that was shrouded in darkness, lights turned off and curtains were drawn close - before making eye contact with Sirius awkwardly.

"I opened the door," He whispered, but Sirius didn't miss the sarcasm in his voice, "What now?"

What now?

_ Good point. _

Sirius hadn't really planned on getting this far. He'd resigned himself to sitting outside of Remus's door until he finally emerged in a state similar to Sirius two years before. 

"Now..." Sirius began, hoping the pause seemed more for effect rather than from his inability to come up with a plan, "We're going out."

"Sirius-"

"No ifs or buts, Rem! You dragged me shopping last week," That comment got a weak smile out of Remus, and Sirius felt his chest tighten, "So I'm going to drag you out!"

"Okay, fine, you aren't letting me get out of this one, are you?"

"Not a chance!" Sirius beamed.

"Fine, where are we going? Give me some time to get ready."

Sirius - still undecided on where to go - told Remus it was a surprise and shooed the other boy back into his room (now with open curtains and windows) to get ready. In the meantime, Sirius curled up on the living room sofa, flicking through google for ideas on where to take his friend to cheer him up. He looked at the cinema, mini-golf, arcade, before settling on the once place that Remus would probably want to go more than anywhere.

An hour later, Remus emerged, looking more human than before, smiling weakly. He was back in his old Vans, a plain jumper and black jeans, and it hurt Sirius to see him out of the clothes he seemed so confident in. Instead of commenting, however, Sirius simply suggested they head off before it got dark, and the left the apartment. 

They went against taking the bus, happily walking in the cold winter air. Sirius tried to keep Remus talking, but he got less than a few words out of his friend, until eventually, he gave up and just began to tell Remus funny stories of him and James. Every new story had Remus laughing a little more, and his heart melted when he did.

"Sirius," Remus smiled, calming down from his last bout of laughter. He folded his arms over his chest, teeth chattering a little, "Where are we going?" He looked around the high street desperately, trying to figure out where he was being led to, until Sirius turned the corner and put his arms out.

"Ta-da!" He flourished, spinning and beaming at Remus. In front of them was The Coffee Club, the cafe Sirius knew a certain Miss Howell ran - who'd likely be more than desperate to see her son.

"You bought me... home?" Remus asked, amused.

"Well, your mum was worrying, and you need food, and, well, yeah."

"Are you sure?" Remus teased halfheartedly, "Are you sure you just didn't want to see where I live?"

"Oh, shush," Sirius rolled his eyes, nudging Remus with his elbow and continuing to walk towards the cafe, hoping he was playing off the fact that he'd almost said 'yes'. "You coming?" He shouted over his shoulder, and Remus hurried after him.

Sirius had an idea of what The Coffee Club would be like after Peter had told him a little about the owner, and it didn't hesitate to live up to expectations. It was comfy, warm, with the smell of coffee and herbal teas lingering in the air. There wasn't a single person in there, other than a garishly dressed lady behind the counter, hair tied up, and tea towel thrown over her shoulder.

"Mum!" Remus breathed out, running across the cafe and heading behind the counter.

"Love! Oh gosh, Remus!" She cried, wrapping her son in her arms, kissing the top of his head. "Oh, you scared me! When Lily told me what happened! I wanted to come and see you but-"

"Mum," Remus smiled, pulling back and looking fondly at her, "I'm okay, I'm alright! I'm still not great, but I'm out of my room. That's something." Sirius saw Remus's gaze flicker over to him, smiling, and Miss Howell seemed to notice too.

"Oh, hello dear!" She beamed comfortingly, and Sirius was immediately reminded of Euphemia back at home. "And who might you be? I don't believe we've met!"

"Sirius, this is my mum, Hope," Remus led Hope from behind the counter, picking what looked like dust from her hair as he did. "Mum, this is, uh- this is Sirius Black," He faltered, and Sirius couldn't help but narrow his eyes curiously.

"Oh,  _ you're  _ Sirius!" Hope laughed, "It's nice to meet you at last!"

Remus hissed something under his breath and his cheeks went red.

"At last?" Sirius smirked - Remus looked as though he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

"Oh, of course!" Hope carried on against her sons pleads, and Sirius realised she wasn't oblivious. She was doing this on purpose. "Remus has told me a lot about you," She winked, and Remus seemed to grow even redder.

"Has he now?" Sirius looked over to his friend to see him glaring at him, chewing on his lip. "All good things, I hope?"

"I wouldn't say that, love!" Hope laughed, shaking her head, "But enough of that, I think Remy regrets bringing you here, by the looks of it!" She ruffled Remus's hair, and then bought her arm around his shoulder. 

Remus shrugged her off, not unkindly, and sat down at one of the tables. "Funnily enough, Mum, it was Sirius's idea to come here. He dragged me out and surprised me."

Hope's face lit up, and she looked at Sirius with a look he couldn't quite read, but it made his insides feel a little funny, like butterflies fluttering about. "Thank you, Sirius. My boy-" She said pointedly, heading to behind the counter again as Sirus took a seat next to Remus, "-Doesn't know how to look after himself, sometimes!"

"Yes, mum, he knows..."

"I worry about you, love! Thank goodness I have Lily, and now Sirius and James to look after you! James is lovely, you know? A right down to earth lad! I got his number from Lily, and we chatted on the phone for a little!" Hope babbled on, busying herself with grabbing mugs from the side. 

"Once you get her going," Remus laughed lowly so his mum couldn't hear, "She won't shut up!"

"Seems like your mum and I will get on great, then," Sirius winked back, bumping his shoulder to his friends and looking back over to the counter just as Hope spoke.

"Sirius, what do you want to drink, love? Food, either of you?"

"I'll have a coffee please, just black, three sugars! And I'm not hungry, but Remus is eating," Sirius insisted, and Hope nodded in agreement. "Let me come and pay for that!"

"Oh god no! You're not paying, lovely! It's on me, for helping Rem."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive," She grinned.

The cafe fell silent, other than the clattering of mugs on the countertop and water pouring - but it wasn't awkward. Instead, Sirius and Remus sat comfortably next to once another, watching Hope make the drinks and put something in the oven before looking at each other, smiling as they caught one another's eyes. Eventually, Miss Howell bought over three mugs; all mismatched; and set them accordingly in front of each of them. Remus drink looked horribly pale, as though it was more milk than tea or coffee, but Sirius shrugged it off as he watched him happily take a sip. 

"Thanks, mum, I needed this," Remus took another stip, curling his fingers around the mug as though it was keeping him warm, and Sirius suddenly remembered that night in the kitchen.

"Yeah, thank you, Miss Howell," Sirius agreed, shaking the memories from his head and taking a sip of the still too hot coffee.

"Call me Hope, Sirius!" She took a sip of her own drink, "I've just shoved some cheese on toast under the grill, love," She now spoke to Remus, "Just something light considering you've not eaten since, what, Saturday morning?"

"Friday night," Remus admitted sheepishly, earning a grave look from both Hope and Sirius.

She hummed disapprovingly, rolling her eyes amusingly at Sirius, who had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing. "You better start eating properly, young man," She scolded, "Or I'll be asking Sirius to report back to me!"

"I'll do it, you know!" Sirius chuckled as Remus groaned.

"That's the thing, I know you would..."

"Exactly! So listen to your mum, alright? Or you'll have me to deal with," He teased, and Remus kicked his shin lightly under the table. "Oi! That's no way to treat your guardian!"

"That's what my 'guardian' gets for nagging me!"

The pair fell into laughter, but Sirus couldn't help but feel strange as Hope looked over them, mug tight in her grip, expression fond but unreadable for the most part.

She eventually got up to get the food and bought back over four slices of cheese on toast, and Sirius - who'd eaten at lunch and wasn't really hungry - found his mouth watering as Remus tucked in. While Remus ate (and by  _ ate _ , he shovelled the food into his mouth as though it was his last meal on death row), Hope asked Sirius various things about school, what he studied, and about his family. It was all basic information, stuff that Sirius was sure she already knew thanks to Remus, but he was happy enough to talk about it anyway. He gushed over his mum and dad and brothers - both biological and otherwise, and excitedly told Hope about his music.

"Do you perform, then? Sing your songs?" She asked excitedly, finishing the last dregs of her drink and settling the mug back on the table. 

"I do! I perform at the Student Union on Monday's. Normally it's cover stuff, but sometimes I do original. I only write when I'm really inspired, so there's not much content for a full original show," He shrugged, feeling Remus's eyes burning into his skull.

"Are you performing tonight then? What time?" Hope asked nervously as she looked at her watch.

_ Fuck! _

Caught up in his worry for Remus, Sirius had totally forgotten about his show tonight! He looked over to his friend, who looked nothing but guilty.

"Ah, crap!" Sirius laughed, "Oh well, they can deal without me for a night!"

"No, Sirius! You can't! You can still make it, can't you? We have an hour!" Remus chugged back the last of his drink and stood up hastily before Sirius grabbed his hand.

"Don't worry about it, Remus! I don't have any of my instruments, or clothes or anything. It's fine."

"You're not missing out one of your shows just because I was a moping twat, okay? You helped me, now I'm helping you! Mum, can I-"

"Go for it, love!" Hope beamed, and dismissed him with a wave. Remus, not waiting to hear Sirius's arguments, ran to the back of the cafe and up a set of stairs until he was out of sight.

"But-"

"You should know by now," Hope smirked, "He's unsure of himself a lot of the time, but once he's decided on something, he'll see it through."

"True, but what's he going to do? We don't have time to do everything? I haven't even planned a set!" Sirius began to panic, he couldn't go up on stage unprepared, dressed in just jeans and a leather jacket!

"You underestimate him," She chuckled, ruffling Sirius's hair as she stood up, taking the three empty mugs and the plate and taking them to the counter. "He'll figure out something."

Sirius stayed silent, simply waiting for Remus to come back down so he could tell him it was never going to happen. Missing the show was worth it, though, seeing as Remus seemed back to his usual self, sarcastic and anxious and eager all at once. There were a few bangs from upstairs, and a yelp, but Hope didn't seem panicked.

"He was really clumsy as a kid, you know?" She laughed, washing the mugs and glancing over to Sirius. "I always thought he'd grow out of it, but apparently not." She took in a deep breath. "Thank you, Sirius. Really."

"What for?"

"Looking after him today. I'm not going to thank you for being friends with him because that's weird, and I know this whole friendship thing is new to you both..."

"You know about all that then?" Sirius asked, huffing out a small laugh as there came another bang from the upper floor.

Hope abandoned the dishes, drying her hands on a towel and leaning over the counter, smiling at Sirius. "I do. We talk about everything, really. So yes, I know about all the arguments and- well,  _ everything _ ," She emphasised. 

"Ah." Sirius felt his face flushing as he realised what she meant - and it was a little mortifying. He was stood in front of his friends mum, who knew exactly everything he'd done to her son, and Sirius was less than comfortable. "I care about him, you know," Sirius promised, "I think I did before New Years. A while before that. I- I was a prat..." He admitted, shuffling his feet and forcing himself to keep eye contact with Hope.

"You both were. It was a situation of wrong place, wrong time, and the main thing is you get long now, right? Friends."

"Yeah, friends..."

The was thudding from the stairs, and Remus came running and tumbling down them, a full carrier bag in one hand and in the other, a...  _ guitar case? _

"Okay!" Remus simpered breathlessly, "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be!"

Hurridly saying goodbye to his mum, Remus dashed out of the cafe, followed quickly by Sirius after he'd said goodbye and thank you to Hope. They walked (ran, really - Sirius struggling to keep up with Remus on his short legs) back to campus, and Remus wouldn't answer a single question about what was in the bag or where the guitar came from. Finally, they made it to the Union, panting and laughing as they pushed through the crowds into the bathroom. 

Only a month or so before, Sirius had imagined dragging Remus into the Student Union bathrooms after his performance, but found that being here with him, chuckling and chatting, was far better than what he first had in mind.

"Rem!" He laughed, stumbling against the wall as Remus shoved the carrier bag into his arms, "What are you doing?!"

"Just get changed!" He insisted, now pushing Sirius into one of the cubicles. Giving up arguing, Sirius locked the door, looking into the carrier bag. 

He pulled out a dress, a flowy black piece, followed by a diamond chain belt, and he looked at it, smiling.

"How is it?" Remus asked nervously from the other side of the door, "Mum doesn't really wear dresses like that, and she hasn't worn this in years. You'll have to keep on your Docs, but at least you're in something that's not your jeans, right?"

"It's perfect!" Sirius exclaimed, yanking off his jacket and shirt hurridly, toeing off his boots, aware of the limited time frame he had. He pulled the dress on, before shimmying off his jeans and putting the belt on. After stepping back into his shoes, he shoved what he had been wearing into the now empty carrier bag, and unlocked the door.

"How do I look?" Sirius asked Remus, before turning to the side and looking in the mirror. Running his hands over his sides, he smoothed out the dress, straightening the belt and slipping his hands in his hair.

"Missing something!" Remus declared with fervour, smiling as he pulled out an eye pencil. "Look at me." Remus came up close to him, placing one hand on the side of his face and telling Sirius to close his eyes. He did just that, trying not to twitch as the pencil glided over his eyelids, then on his bottom lash line. 

"So," Remus continued, still applying the eyeliner to Sirius, "The guitar is acoustic. It's mums old one, but it should be in perfect condition. All you have to do if decide what to play."

"I have no clue," Sirius admitted, shrugging small as to not disturb Remus. When his friend's hand dropped from his face, Sirius's eyes fluttered open to see that Remus was still close to him, and he felt the blush crawling across his cheeks.

"There, done," Remus said, not pulling back right away. "Now, hurry the fuck up and decide what you're going to play!"

A song came to Sirius's mind, and he sighed.

"Alright. Better get out there, then, I guess?"

Remus unceremoniously grasped the carrier bag from Sirius's hands, jostling the guitar in its place, and they filed out of the bathroom.

The crowd was smaller than usual, a mix of the cold weather and start of the year, and Sirius could relax a little. At least he didn't have a massive group of student to try and please when he had no set planned. Remus took a seat at the bar - the same spot he'd sat when he was last here, and Sirius made his way to the stage. He dragged a chair to the centre, quickly dismissing the house band with apologies and the promise to buy them all a round afterwards.

He lowered the mic stand, sat down, and with a sigh, began to speak.

"Hey, guys!" He chirped, looking over at the audience and finding his attention captured by Remus immediately. Most heads in the room looked over to him eagerly, none looking more intently that Remus, who was smiling around the rim of the pint glass he was drinking from. "So, a small change of plans for tonight, unfortunately. Due to some... issues," He laughed, catching as Remus looked sheepish, sinking into his chair, "I won't be doing my usual kind of music tonight. So, we'll be taking it a bit slower, a bit calmer, with some acoustic stuff. I've got one song I want to do first, and then I'll be all up for requests!" He smiled, propping the guitar up properly. He strummed on the string experimentally a few times, before beginning to pick a rhythm he hadn't played in a while.

"This is the way you left me, I'm not pretending, No hope, no love, no glory, No happy ending," He started singing, looking between where his fingers moved smoothly over the neck of the guitar to where Remus was at the back of the room. He remembered learning this when he'd locked himself up in his room after being kicked out, doing his best to ignore his mum and dad and James calling from the other side.

"Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life. Can't get no love without sacrifice," He sung, swaying slowly with the tune as he did, "If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well. A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell."

Remus had abandoned his drink now, keeping his eyes on Sirius, rocking with the music and mouthing the lyrics as he did.

"This is the hardest story that I have ever told. No hope, or love, or glory. Happy endings gone forever more."

He relaxed a little, the chaos from the day sinking away as he played, focusing only on Remus, smiling, a little more himself than he'd been the last couple of days. It'd terrified Sirius when Remus locked himself up, even if it was only for a little while, a fraction of the time that Sirius had shut himself away. 

"This is the way that we love, like its forever, then live the rest of our life, both not together"

He didn't deserve to hear those things from his father. Not at all. Sirius, maybe - he'd provoked his parents, all while knowing how they'd react. But Remus hadn't done a thing wrong. He deserved nothing but love from anyone around him (and maybe, with whoever this boy was that he'd gone on a date with, he'd get that).

"Two o'clock in the morning, someone's on my mind. Can't get no rest, keep walking around." Sirius tried to forget about whoever Remus was seeing - however serious the relationship was - and pushed down whatever feelings of jealousy were clawing at his chest. He strummed a little out of time, and he tried to focus back in on the music, not at the amber eyes staring at him from across the Union.

"Oh, I feel as if I'm wasting, and I waste every day"

He looked up, and Remus was as he was before, staring on fondly, singing along, curls messy and eyes bright and Sirius couldn't look away. He came to the bridge, singing away naturally as he and Remus stared at one another. He'd sung to Remus before, of course, but on more unsavoury topics. It was hot, messy, leaving them both flushed and on edge. It wasn't  _ this _ , whatever  _ this  _ was. Soft. Kind.

Not that Sirius was singing to Remus, of course. The song was too sad, not what he'd sing to Remus at all.

It was coming to the end of the song, and Sirius slowed it down, keeping his eyes fixated on Remus as he did.

"This is the way you left me. I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory.

No happy ending."

The crowd cheered and clapped after the last note, but Sirius centred on Remus, who'd stood up, clapping louder than the rest, smiling brighter than he'd seen before, and, in that moment, he vowed to make sure Remus would keep a smile like that on his face at all times.

_ Fuck. _

_ Oh fuck. _

It felt like a slap across the face, a punch to the stomach, a bat to the head.

"S-so!" Sirius stammered as the crowd calmed, "Any requests?"

He panicked.

Sirius was in love with Remus.


	21. Butterfly Kisses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had SO SO SO much fun writing this! I'm so excited for every chapter now until the end - they're all planned out and I'm hoping to finish this fic before November!!
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to Oli, who helped sort through my mess of ideas, and now has to keep the secret of the end of this fic to himself until I post it ;) Thanks, Oli! <3<3
> 
> Oh, the end of this chapter compared to the last... I'm not even sorry ;)

Remus

Running his finger under the chain around his neck, Remus grinned, stepping into the living room and looking to the figures on the sofa.

"So, how do I look?"

James's jaw dropped and Peter wolf-whistled, before falling into bouts of laughter.

"Bloody hell, Remus!" James called, "You look hot, man! Like, legitimately good looking! Watch out, or I'll start to think I picked the wrong one out of you and Lily!" He winked, leaning back on the cushions.

Remus laughed to himself, half at James's comment, and half at his and Lily's conversation a week before.

"He's right, Remy! Almost good enough to turn me!" Peter smirked, shaking his head before turning his attention back to his phone.

The fleece-lined denim jacket slipped a little from his shoulders, and Remus shrugged to move it back up. He tugged at the bottom of his t-shirt, face heating a little at the compliments, but he tried to keep smirking, holding an air of confidence around him that he still wasn't used to.

"Sirius, what do you think?" He asked, looking at the boy who was staring at him strangely. Sirius's mouth was a little gaped, his cheeks reddening and eyes a touch too wide, and he hadn't so much as blinked since Remus had walked into the room. He didn't have that look on his face that usually made Remus squirm and go red, and he still found his chest tightening as Sirius continued to stare.

"Where are you going?" Sirius suddenly snapped out of his trance, ignoring the question entirely and furrowing his eyebrows.

"Ah, I have a- uh, a date."

"A date?"

"Mhm," Remus smiled awkwardly, hoping Sirius wouldn't ask too many questions, "With that guy that I was telling you about."

"Ah."

"Lucky lad!" James beamed, "Where are you off to?"

"He's taking me to the zoo. He's picking me up any moment now!"

"Cute! When are we gonna meet this guy?" Peter's eyes widened, lighting up, just as Remus caught Sirius's eyes darkening. What the fuck was his deal?

His heart stopped for a moment, and his stomach dropped.

"I-I-I don't know, W-Wormy... I'm not sure i-if its gonna be a proper thing yet, and-"

"That's cool!" Peter interrupted, "As long as you're happy!"

"Exactly!" James agreed, "Right, Pads?" He nudged Sirius, who was staring off into space, not so discreetly in the side.

"Oh, uh, sure."

Remus opened his mouth to ask what was up with Sirius - he'd been strange all week, and Remus was getting worried - when his phone buzzed in his hand.

** I'm outside now - not too close, just in the car park behind the other block. X **

Okay, on my way, just saying goodbye :) x

Smiling as he looked up from his phone, Remus made sure not to look at Sirius.

"The fuck is wrong with you today?" James hissed under his breath, clearly intending for Remus not to hear. 

"Later." Sirius dismissed, staring blankly at the wall. 

"Right," Remus coughed, breaking the tension in the room for a moment, and he grinned forcefully. "As much as I'd love to stay and chat, I have a date to get to. He's here now, so I'm off."

"Okay, have fun!" Peter waved, his smile getting ever so brighter.

"Stay safe, use protection," James winked, unable to keep a straight face, "But really, I hope you have a good time!"

Sirius was given another nudge in his side by his friend, and Remus wanted nothing more to grab Sirius by the shoulders and shake him. It was like they'd not made up, become friends or anything, and Remus was fucking sick of it.

"Yeah, have a good time, Rem," Sirius smiled halfheartedly, but Remus knew that was all he was getting for the time being. 

After a final wave and goodbye, Remus picked up his keys and left the apartment, skipping down the stairs and taking them two steps at a time. He walked out of the building and through the quad, tugging his jacket tight around him to shield himself from the morning winter air. 

He turned the corner and made it to the apartment behind Lily's building, where her car was, along with a few others, and another that he didn't recognise. The engine was still running, and brake lights on, and Remus could hardly make out the figure in the driver's seat through the fogged-up windows.

He knocked on the window, and found the glass being rolled down. Regulus smiled at him small, eyes brightening as he saw Remus.

"Hop in, you'll freeze out there."

Doing just that, Remus slid into the passenger's seat to find Regulus staring at him, an eyebrow cocked and his head a little tilted.

"Ripped jeans, chains, eyeliner. Remus Lupin seems to have a new look. Not taking style tips from my brother, are you?" He smirked and dipped his head a little, dark hair falling into his eyes.

"Maybe a little," Remus admitted, pulling the seatbelt across and clipping it in, "But this outfit was all me, I promise you."

Regulus's hand grabbed Remus's, the pads of his fingers trailing lightly on his palm, and he smiled.

"You look good, Rem."

Heat rushed to Remus's face, and he fought back the anxious urge to jump up and out of the car. Instead, however, he smiled back, and looked down. 

"So do you, Reg."

They set off, chatting happily during the drive, with the radio playing softly in the background. The roads were quiet, seeing as it was a Sunday in the middle of winter, and they made it to the zoo in only forty minutes.

They clambered out of the car, stretching and yawning as they did, before Remus pulled out a hat from his jacket pocket. It was maroon, hand-knitted, a little tatty, and Remus pulled it over his curly hair and covered his ears.

"A beanie?" Regulus snorted, "Cute."

Their hands slipped together, fingers entwining as they headed to the entrance. They collected their tickets, and after a short queue, walked into the zoo. 

"I've never been to a zoo before," Regulus commented, unfolding the map he'd been given by the ticket guide, "So you'll have to tell me the best places to go."

"Never?" Remus asked. Regulus shook his head. "Well, then, we ought to see everything," He smiled, and Regulus looked up fondly. "What do you fancy seeing first?"

"Giraffes? Strange, I know, but I still can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that they're real..."

Huffing with laughter, Remus took the map and stuffed it in his pockets, taking his date's hand again. "I know what you mean. Unicorns, nope, not real. Tall spotted creatures with 6-foot necks, strange horns and black tongues? Well,  _ they  _ exist, of course!" Remus rolled his eyes, heart fluttering as Regulus laughed, and they started walking again.

They made it to the enclosure, just a huge, dry dirt field with tall trees, filled with roaming giraffes running about. Instantly, Regulus sped-walked over to the fence, leaning over and staring in awe at the creatures, eyes bright and mouth a little open. 

"They're amazing!" He exclaimed with a sense of excitement Remus had never seen before, almost with childlike wonder. "They're so odd though! Fascinating, really!"

"They are," Remus chuckled, coming to stand next to Reg and leaning on the fence. "You really like them, don't you?"

Suddenly, Regulus's back straightened, shoulders tensing, and his face dropped. 

"Uh... My apologies. I'm not sure why I got so excited," His voice was back to its typical coldness, the same as how Sirius used to speak to him when they'd first met.

"Don't apologise! It's, ah, it's rather sweet."

"Mother and father disapprove of this sort of thing, you see. Claim it's a waste of time and money, which is the only reason I've never been before." Regulus explained, the tension dropping from his body a little bit.

"Ah..."

"It's your job to show me what I've been missing then, alright?" Regulus smiled, shuffling to his left a little so his and Remus's shoulders were touching. 

"Only if you get as adorably excited as you did before," Remus teased, not missing now Regulus appeared shocked for a second. "Now, how about elephants next?"

Hands holding one another's again, they set off for the elephants, grinning to each other as they navigated around the paths. They arrived at the elephant enclosure and stayed there for some time. Watching the stunning animals, they listened to one of the talks that was being given, learning about them and their conservation. After that, they moved to the rhinos, then tigers, followed by orangutans. The whole time their hands stayed latched together, and they smiled and laughed at every moment. Regulus started at the creatures, awed at their beauty, and Remus loved watching him in his admiration.

They walked away from the orangutans, commenting on the small monkeys that had been swinging about the climbing frame, and Remus pulled his jacket tighter around him.

"We're really dumb for going to the zoo in January," Remus laughed, and Regulus stepped a little closer.

"Definitely wasn't my smartest idea, that's for sure," He agreed, amused, "How about we go to the Gibbon Forest? That looks mostly indoors, as we can warm up for a little?"

Nodding, Remus grinned, "Sounds like a good idea."

Moving a little faster than before, they made it to the Forest - which was nothing like a forest and was, in fact, a massive enclosure with various indoor wooden structures. The gibbons would brachiate from the trees and rope swings, heading indoors as shelter from the chilling wind and coming back out to play again. Going into the largest, main building, Remus found they could look out into the different rooms, and then outdoors, at the monkeys swinging about. 

"They're amazing," Regulus muttered, coming to stand in front of one of the windows, staring out to a pair of gibbons perched on a branch outside. 

"They are. I love it here. I came here with Lily the summer we met, and it took me ages to drag her away from the monkeys," He chuckled, leaning a little on the window. 

"I can imagine. I haven't met Lily yet." Regulus said.

"You should," Remus agreed, "But... She mentioned something between you and-"

"Potter, yes."

"Can I ask what happened?" 

Remus began to shuffle from foot to foot, wondering if he'd gone a step too far. He thought that was it - date ruined - just as Regulus turned to smile at him. 

"Nothing much. I'm over it now. I was upset for a while, and honestly, I kind of said some not-so-nice things to James about him and Lily, but I apologised and wished him all the best," He shrugged. 

"You are over it, aren't you?" Remus asked anxiously, gnawing on his lip. "Over James, if that's what happened?"

Suddenly, a hand moved its way to Remus's cheek, and he looked up to see his date cupping his face, a thumb running over his cheekbone softly. 

"I am most definitely over it, okay?" Regulus assured with a small smile. "I really like you, Remus. I have from the moment you came into the cafe with that god awful hangover and called me gorgeous," He chuckled as Remus groaned.

"Don't remind me of that, I was a mess!"

"You were. But I still asked Sirius for your number, didn't I?"

"True... I just, well," Remus stammered, "I don't want to be used for you to get over James, I guess? I can't deal with that."

Reg moved ever so slightly closer, and their noses were almost brushing.

"I'm not. I promise you I'm not, okay?"

"Okay," Remus smiled, moving closer even still. Just as he was about to close the gap, there was a shriek of laughter, and something hit the back of his legs hard.

Yelping, he reluctantly pulled back from Regulus, and looked down to see two small children running about, chasing one another and squealing. 

_ Moment ruined. _

"Ah- well, uh..." Remus trailed off, tugging at the bottom of his beanie, shuffling from foot to foot and staring at the floor. "That was, uh, we-"

"Do you want to look at something else?" Regulus suggested with an awkward smile, and Remus wondered if the younger could sense his anxiety. "We can just wander and see what we come across?"

"Good plan."

They left the Gibbon Forest in silence - but not as awkward as Remus had expected. Their hands, meeting once again, were warm against one another, a stark difference from the cold wind surrounding them. A nagging voice in the back of his head told him to screw whatever nervousness was niggling away at him, and just spin Regulus around and finish now what they'd started. Were they really about to kiss, or was Remus just being a little too hopeful? Glancing to his side, he caught Regulus staring at him, and before Remus had the chance to admire his gorgeous grey eyes, so similar to his brothers, they both looked away, a little flushed, a lot awkward. No, Remus was sure of it, they  _ were  _ going to kiss, and maybe his first kiss (he was ignoring his kiss with Lily by this point) would have been as perfect as he'd imagined. He opened his mouth to speak, when he felt a drop on his cheek.

And then another on his nose, and he looked to the ground to see little spots of rain darkening the tarmac. Just as he looked to the sky to glare a little at the dark clouds, it began to rain heavier, soaking through his hat and t-shirt, wetting Regulus's hair, and the couple looked at each other for a moment.

"Fuck," Regulus muttered, relaxed but shivering in the cold, sticking out his free arm into the rain.

"Don't just stand there!" Remus laughed, tightening his grip on Regulus's hand, "Come on!" He took off running, not knowing where he was heading.

"R-Remus!" Reg shouted, suddenly dragged along by Remus down the path, both of them stumbling and tripping on the wet ground as their legs pumped them forwards. They ran and ran, trying to get out of the rain that was now pelting down on them, soaking through their shoes and jeans, until Regulus suddenly stopped, pulling Remus in another direction and calling. 

"In there!" He pointed to a white tent-like building a short run from them, and they sprinted, kicking up water from the puddles and panting in the loudness of the rain hitting the ground. Other passer-byers were running past, too, but Remus could only focus on the gorgeous younger boy beside him, their hand's linked, pulling one another along in the downpour. They made it to the strange plastic curtains at the front of the tent, and they dove in with no other thought. 

"A-Are you okay?" Remus panted, laughing, clutching at his chest with one hand, looking up to Regulus.

The younger boys cheeks were flushed, and his skin was damp, raindrops trailing over the contours of his face, but he was smiling wide. Regulus was also panting, and he rolled his eyes, entertained. He brushed back the wet hair that was clinging to his forehead with his free hand. With hair no longer falling loosely in front of his face, Remus could see his eyes more clearly than ever, enamoured by the grey, almost silver, tone, small blue specks swimming in the storm, and he found it hard to look away. 

"Yeah," He finally said, his breath caught back, "I'm fine. Are you?"

"Yeah. Just wet."

"Same."

Remus pulled off his beanie to find his hair just as soaked through, curls now dripping rather than bouncing messily, and he chuckled once more.

"Hopefully we'll dry off before we have to get back into your car!"

"Not my car, doesn't bother me," Reg snickered, smirking, and Remus's breath caught in his throat as the sight. "Where are we, anyway?"

They were in a small, white room with plastic curtains on the wall opposite the entrance they'd walked into. It was warm, far warmer than outside and too warm for the middle of January, and Remus almost shrugged off his coat in the stifling heat.

"Probably the butterfly enclosure, I'm guessing?" He said, before smiling wide, a grin stretching from ear to ear. They couldn't have ran into anywhere better.

"Well then," Regulus caught sight of the smile on Remus's face, "We might as well head in, yes?"

Beaming, Remus nodded and pushed back the curtain, finding himself on cloud nine when he took in the sights before him.

Beautiful bursts of luscious greens were a stark contrast to the greys of outside, lighting up the room. Plants towered over them, with large leaves, huge branches and colourful blots from pink and red and orange petals. A path winded around the small jungle-like area, and in the distance, Remus could hear the trickling of water from some sort of fountain or waterfall. Best of all was the small fluttering insects in the air; hundreds of butterflies in all shades of the rainbow rippled about. Some were the small, hardly big enough to see, and others were the size of Remus's palm, flapping their wings, the sound of the flutters surrounding Remus in the most wonderful feeling of comfort.

"Oh my gosh..." He murmured in shock, taking a few slow steps down the path and into the enclosure.

"They're gorgeous," Regulus agreed, squeezing Remus's hand.

"They are."

He followed the path along, staring at the magnificent butterflies surrounding them, landing on leaves and their shoulders and flowers, and he couldn't tear his eyes away for a second. The Butterfly Forest was empty other than them, and Remus couldn't help but stop still in front of a small water feature in the centre. Bushes and shrubbery encompassed them, bright green leaves and small fuchsia petals brushing against their legs and arms. 

Remus tilted his head up to see even more butterflies flying above him, bold against the white ceiling of the tent. He blinked away a few tears rapidly and looked back down. He looked to Regulus, who was now looking cross-eyed at a beautiful Silver-Studded Blue perched lightly on his nose, and he giggled a little. 

"You don't look so suave with a little blue butterfly on your face, Reg," He teased, just as Regulus twitched his nose, and the butterfly flew away.

"It tickled..." He muttered, lips twitching in a smile. "They're all so gorgeous." Regulus was now looking up, similarly to how Remus had been a moment ago, his eyes wide and mouth agape. "I knew butterflies were pretty, but this is amazing."

"It is..."

"Hey, what's that?" Regulus was looking back down, now gesturing to a small Gacha machine by the exit door.

"Just a little capsule thing by the looks of it," Remus shrugged, walking closer to it. "Oh, they do little butterfly pins!" He smiled.

Regulus dug around in his pockets and drew out a pound coin, putting it in the front of the machine before turning the handle. A few clicks later, and the dark-haired boy pulled a plastic capsule from the prize slot, and opened it. He pulled out an enamel pin of a small butterfly, the same kind that had landed on Regulus's nose, and they both smiled. 

"The irony," Regulus snorted. 

"It's perfect," Remus laughed back. Regulus took the back off of the pin, before fixing it securely on the collar of Remus's jacket. He didn't step away and instead rested his hand on the side of Remus's neck.

"There," He smiled, leaning a little forward.

"We can't get interrupted by any little kids this time, can we?" Remus grinned a little, hoping he was reading the air right, when Regulus moved forward even further, smirking. 

"I hope not," He said. His breath ghosted over Remus's lips, and he felt his pulse quicken. "Because I really do want to kiss you."

Remus tilted his head down until their noses bumped one another. "Do it, then."

He did, and their lips pressed together ever so lightly. Remus's hands found their way to Regulus's wet hair, as the younger boys other hand settled on his waist, pulling him closer. It felt more than perfect, more than he'd imagined - it felt right. It felt like everything he'd been through; all the homophobia and the anxiety and the struggles; was worth it for that one moment. 

The butterflies continued to flutter all around them, the water still trickled on in the background, and Remus kept kissing Regulus like there was nothing better in the world he'd rather do.


	22. Moonstruck

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy i was so looking forward to writing this chapter, but it gave me so much grief actually getting on with it! But its here, enjoy! <3
> 
> [Free virtual cookie to anyone that can guess the 'Mop Bucket Story' and knows where it's from ;)]

Sirius

James slipped a hand through his hair, glaring at Sirius in the mirror. 

"You know," He grumbled, "You could just tell him."

"Oh, because that'll go well, Prongs!" Sirius hissed, rolling his eyes, "Hey, Remus, I know I said I hated you for ages and then sucked your dick in our shared kitchen, wrote you a song, met your mum and failed to set you up with my brother, but it turns out I'm actually in love with you!" He chirped, voice dripping with sarcastic excitement, before returning to look unamused at his brother again. "Yeah, not gonna happen."

"I don't see why you can't," James shrugged. He moved from in front of his mirror to grab his shoes from under the desk, then flopped onto his bed to get them on. "I mean, I've seen how he looks at you-"

"You see what you want to see, James! He's seeing someone!"

"How serious?"

"I don't know," Sirius admitted.

"Find out?" James suggested, not standing back up again. "See if he's free today, and ask!"

"I don't-"

"Look, Sirius," James sighed, bored of this conversation already, "You told me three weeks ago about your feelings for Remus, and honestly, I'm fucking sick of it. You two were making really good progress, and now you can barely say two words to him! You deserve to be happy, Pads, and standing around and pining over the guy you're sharing a dorm with for another six months isn't the way to that happiness. If you don't want to tell him, then fine, but at least figure out where he is with this guy so you aren't keeping up false hope," He smiled, patting Sirius on the shoulder.

"You're right..."

James snorted, "Of course I am! I always am!" He snatched his watch from his bedside table, fastening it around his wrist, "Now I need to go, can't keep Lily waiting. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Course, Prongs!" Sirius smiled, "Have a good valentines, alright?!" He called as James dashed from the room, and then the apartment with a last grin, slamming the door behind him. 

Sirius could hear music playing from the room over the hall, and heard a soft voice singing (badly) along to the Wolf Alice song playing out loud. He couldn't put this off any longer - not knowing he had the apartment with just him and his roommate, or that James would be nagging him if he found out Sirius had done nothing. Swallowing down the last of his anxieties, Sirius gathered up whatever courage he had, stepping out of his own room and knocking the door on the other side of the corridor. After a moment of rattling, music being turned off, and a yelp, the door opened. 

"Hey! I-" Remus cut himself off, face dropping a little, "Oh, It's you."

"It's me..." Sirius shrugged awkwardly. "Are- uh, you're not on a date with- with whats-his-face?"

"So, you're talking to me now?" Remus asked pointedly, but not waiting for an answer, "No, I'm not. He has to work today. We're going out for dinner after his shift, but he's not picking me up until later. About 8."

Shuffling from foot to foot, Sirius looked up to Remus, staring at glittering amber eyes and thick lashes. "Ah. Alright then."

"Sirius," Remus huffed, "Are you alright? Have I done something, because you've been nothing but odd lately and if its something I've done, then I'd really rather know than-"

"No, no!" Sirius cried, shaking his hands, "It's not you! I, uh, I've just been a bit overwhelmed. Assignments and all that." He shrugged, smiling half-heartedly.

"I don't believe you for one second, Sirius."

"I-"

"But I'll ignore it for now. As long as you make it up to me," Remus said gravely. 

"I can try?"

"Take me out," He then smiled, all annoyance seemingly gone.

_ What? _

"E-excuse me?" Sirius stammered taking a step back from the doorway. Remus couldn't have been suggesting what Sirius thought he was, right? He was seeing someone else!

"Take me out for the day. With my boy-" His face flushed and he looked down, "With my  _ friend  _ working, I have nothing to do all day, so we're going somewhere!" With another smile, Remus pushed past Sirius and out of the room to the kitchen. Sirius followed, a little awkwardly, shuffling over the apartment carpet until he was face to face with Remus again, this time in the hallway. "That good with you?"

"Ah-" Sirius coughed, clearing his throat, and hopefully the air with it, "Works for me. Where do you fancy going?"

Remus declared that Sirius should decide, before he rushed off to his room to get his shoes. They got ready in silence - rather uncomfortable compared to how they used to be, but they moved around and slipped passed one another as though it was second nature, and they were ready to go in no time.

"What about just getting a bite to eat?" Sirius suggested as they head off down the street away from the apartment block. 

"Sounds okay with me," Remus shrugged, "But, uh, not at my mums, if that's okay?"

"Any reason why?"

"No," He laughed off, "I just think you two are a dangerous couple," Sirius felt a nudge to his side and saw Remus rolling his eyes at him. "Both of you too sneaky and mischievous and... out there for your own good!"

He couldn't help staring at Remus, noticing all the little things he'd never noticed before. The freckles over his nose and cheeks like little constellations, or how his cheeks when a blotchy red when he was feeling awkward, or the way he caught his lip between his teeth when he was invested in whatever he was talking about. He looked no less than gorgeous, his eyes shining in the dullness of the day, his curls bouncing about with each step from underneath the beanie hat he was wearing.

"Now, I don't know about you," Remus said, snapping Sirius from his daze, "But I'm not up for walking too far. How's McDonald's for you?" He suggested, gesturing to the fast-food joint over the road. Sirius gave a mindless hum in response. Taking that as a yes, Remus continued to walk without another word.

Who was Sirius kidding? He'd noticed all of those little things about Remus since the day they met; not only four weeks prior.

Suddenly, a hand snatched his arm, fingers digging into the flesh and pulling. He was yanked back, hard, his back crashing against Remus's chest as a car whizzed past, far too close for his liking.

"What the fuck, Sirius?!" Remus shouted, spinning Sirius around and shaking his shoulders, "What are you playing at?! Do you wanna get hit or something?"

"No, no! Of course not! Get off!" Violently, he pulled himself from Remus's grip, and stormed back over to the edge of the road. His friend followed, and, after looking both ways, they crossed the first road of the dual carriageway, stopping firmly in the middle to wait.

Looking back up at Remus once more, Sirius's heart dropped. While the arms folded over his chest and dark eyes might have shown he was angry, the tapping of his fingers on his forearm and grinding of his teeth told Sirius better.

"Sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to-"

"I know, Sirius..." He sighed, lips twitching in a small smile that Sirius was no less than grateful for. "Just... look where you're going, alright?"

They stepped out into the road once more and crossed, until they were no more than a few steps from the front of the restaurant.

"Sorry," Sirius echoed as he pushed open the door, "I've been a little distracted lately..."

It wasn't a lie.

But he wasn't about to tell the truth, that's for sure.

Remus snorted, rolling his eyes, "You don't say. Honestly, you think I haven't noticed?"

"You have?"

"Of course I have, Sirius!" Remus whisper-shouted, trying not to disturb the small number of other diners in for the afternoon. Heading to a self-service screen, he continued. "You've totally shut me off, you don't leave your room unless its for class, I haven't heard you play your music in a while, and- I thought it was me, Sirius. Or my mum. You've been acting odd since you came to the cafe, that's why I thought it was best not to go there..." He trailed off, tapping in his order before stepping to the side so Sirius could do the same.

He'd really fucked up! Remus had gotten it in his head that Sirius disliked his mum - who was, in fact, the sweetest person Sirius had ever met - and he'd not done a thing to stop him thinking that. He should have known, really, knowing that Remus had anxiety; of course he'd come to that conclusion.

"No, it's not that," Sirius insisted as they went to sit down. Remus slid into a booth in the corner of the restaurant, leaving the table marker with the order number out on display. 

"Then what, Sirius?" He asked, exasperated, and Sirius sat down opposite him, "Because it's been a month. We spent all of last term at each other's throats,"  _ And down them _ , "Then there was a month where everything was great, and now, all of a sudden, you're acting off."

"It's my brother," Sirius lied, unsure of how the deceit slipped from his lips so fast.

"Regulus?"

"Yes." He couldn't just take it back now! He'd have to go along with it. "He's been a little stressed. The money-making thing for moving out isn't going so well, and I've been a bit... worked up, I guess."

"Oh?" Remus raised an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes a little, and Sirius knew he didn't believe him.

"Yeah."

They found themselves in a stalemate, unsure of who should say what next, and they moved from staring at one another, to their eyes flickering away to look at anything else. 

As though saved by the bell, a tray was placed less than gracefully onto the table. The server before them gave a curt smile, before walking off again, and both boys tucked into their food. Remus had only fries and a drink, as to not spoil his dinner, and Sirius just couldn't bear the thought of eating a meat burger in front of a vegetarian, and instead elected to have the veggie option.

Eating in silence, Sirius kept looking up to Remus, only to see the other boy staring out of the window, gazing at nothing in particular. 

"So," Sirius began, taking a sip of his drink, desperate to break the strained atmosphere, "How was that date you went on?"

He winced to himself; of all topics that had to choose from, that's what he'd settled with. The one that he'd likely be most hurt by.

"You actually care?" Remus snorted unamused.

"Of course I do."

"Well, then," Remus sighed, popping another fry into his mouth and swallowing before speaking again, "It was nice. More than nice, honestly. Being gay... it's not so bad," He laughed off, finally looking to Sirius with a strange look in his eyes.

"What did you do?"

"At the zoo?"

"Yeah."

"He'd never been to a zoo before," Remus started off, smiling, "Or at least not the one near here. So I took him around to see all the different animals and listen to all the talks about them and stuff. We got caught in the rain a couple times, had lunch, looked at some of the stuff we missed, and then looked in the gift shop before coming back."

Sirius, more invested than he was hurt, to his own shock, pushed his food aside and leant against the table. "Oh? Any, uh, any little kisses shared, by any chance?" He teased.

"There might have been..." Remus began tugging at the sleeves of his sweater.

"Well tell me then!"

"Okay, so!" Grinning, Remus took a similar position to his friend and began the dramatic retelling. "We got caught in the rain, and ended up running from one of the indoor enclosures into this random white tent. Well, it turned out it was the butterfly house!"

Remus's face was bright, eyes wide and smile stretching from ear to ear.

"We started looking through it and, oh Sirius, it was gorgeous! This little butterfly landed on his nose and then he got me a pin from this Gacha machine that ended up being the same kind!" He reached up and tapped the blue butterfly pin on his hat that Sirius hadn't noticed until that moment. "Then, when we were near this little water feature, he kissed me! Or I kissed him, I'm not sure. But, ugh, it was perfect! I could talk about it for hours!"

"Seems, uh, pretty magical..." Sirius laughed a little forced, trying to push down the pain in his chest at Remus's excitement.

"Sorry," He blurted, "I started rambling, ignore me, it wasn't-"

"No!" Sirius took Remus's hand for a moment in comfort, before pulling away fast. "I like hearing about it! Don't apologise, I wouldn't listen if I didn't want to!" He assured, and Remus's face visibly relaxed.

"Thanks, Padfoot, it means the world," He smiled.

"That's okay, you can- What?"

Eyebrows furrowed in confusion, Remus leaned back a little, head tilted and eyes amused. "Thanks? I said thanks," He snorted.

"No," Sirius said, "You called me Padfoot."

"Did I?"

"Yes!"

"Oh," Remus squirmed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"Hey," Sirius laughed, "I never said there was anything wrong with it."

Far from it, in fact. Where, in the last month, Remus's laughter had left a strange fluttering of delight in his chest, the sound of him saying his nickname had too.

"So," He carried on, voice light and teasing, "You're calling me Pads, what do I call you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, Rem!" Sirius tittered, "James is Prongs, I'm Padfoot, Peter is Wormtail. So what are you?"

Remus seemed to think for a moment, before shrugging, "I don't know. I don't have a nickname."

"You don't have one?"

"Nope."

"Never?"

"Nope," Remus echoed.

"Well, that's just criminal!" Sirius exclaimed, and a few other people in the restaurant looked over to them. "I need to come up with a nickname for you! Come on, tell me, how did Peter get his nickname, and then I'll think of one or you!"

Remus gave a chuckle, and then grimaced, "Fine, but I need to whisper and you better not want to eat after this." Sirius nodded, curious, and Remus began. "So, we were working at the smoothie shop, and we had this mouse and rat infestation. The place got closed down for a couple weeks, exterminators came in, got rid of them all, we were good to go, right? Well, we had this mop bucket in the back, and it's hadn't been emptied for a while, and definitely not while we were closed..."

Remus continued, but Sirius found himself zoning out. Remus had a look in his eyes, one he always had when he talked about his friends, or his mum, or butterflies, and he was in awe. It was the same way he'd looked at Sirius that night at the student union when they'd rushed there from his mum's cafe. He looked like he was in love, not with anything in particular, but just in love with the world around him. He just looked...

"...And it went everywhere, and I mean everywhere! I gagged, a lot, and Peter threw up! The manager on shift almost did too! I swear, I'll never get the picture of it on his hands out of my mind ever again. Honestly, I'm glad I'm a vegetarian because I would be after-"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted with a mumble, finally blinking and shaking his head.

"Huh?"

"Moony. Your nickname should be Moony."

Remus looked taken aback, a puzzled look on his face. "Moony? Why Moony? If this is because Lupin is like Lunar-"

"No no, but now you mention it..." He snickered. "Think about it! One, you always look moony, like you're just in love with everything around you. Two, you and your thing for moths! Don't moths come out at night, normally? And three, the first night we didn't want to strangle one another..." He trailed off with a shrug and a half-smile.

"When we smoked on the bench after my anxiety attack?"

"Yeah. It was under the moonlight!" Sirius beamed, and Remus gave a silent laugh.

"Under the moonlight? Sirius Black, ever the romantic," He laughed, "Why aren't you snatched up yet!" He asked, and Sirius was just glad it was rhetorical. 

"That night," He asked instead, "Why were you okay to come out with me? You- you hated me."

"And you hated me," Remus tried to say flatly, his lips twitching with humour. "Because I didn't  _ mean  _ to hate you," He admitted.

"I don't get it..."

With a sigh, Remus lent on the table, looking fixedly at Sirius, "Picture this. I'm a closeted queer kid. Scratch that, I'm a closeted queer kid with anxiety. I have no friends, and all of a sudden some random kid runs into me and spills his coffee on me. What's worse, is this random kid is as hot as anything, and starts rubbing my chest where he spilt said coffee. I- I panicked! I thought being gay was wrong and, ugh. I know its not your fault, but I somehow blamed you for being pretty and that's why I didn't like you..." Remus dipped his head, shaking a little on the other side of the table, and Sirius wanted nothing more than to swoop him into a hug and tell him it was all okay.

Instead, Sirius chose to tease him. Of course.

"Awh, Moony thought I was pretty!" He swooned, flicking the top of Remus's head until he looked up. "I am honoured!"

"Ah shush! You missed your chance," Remus joked back, "I'm a taken man now," He chuckled.

Suddenly remembering why he was there, Sirius's heart sunk. "You... you and this guy are official then?"

"Yup! Asked me to be his boyfriend after he kissed me. Awfully romantic. I want to tell you- Oh, hang on," Remus pulled his phone from his pocket, tapped the screen and put it to his ear. "Hello? Hey, yeah, that's fine, love! ...Uh-huh, that's okay, I'll come to you then... Nope, only around the corner, I'm just with a mate... yeah, I'll see you soon!"

_ Mate. _

_ Just with a mate. _

"Speaking of," Remus quipped, "He's finished work early! I have to head off!" He stood up quickly from his seat, fixing his hat, and smiled down at Sirius.

"Ah, alright! I'll, uh, see you tonight?"

"Yup! See you, Padfoot!" He gave a wave, and headed off to the door. 

"Yeah..." Sirius muttered, even though Remus was long gone, "See you, Moony..."


	23. Adrenaline Rush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I am kinda sorry for this one-  
> Don't hate them. Don't hate me...
> 
> 7 chapters left ;)

Remus

"I don't get why," Sirius whined, "Peter is the one in the front! I'm your brother!" He stretched his arms out, whacking Remus in the head a little and smirking as he did - Remus, of course, rolled his eyes, but did nothing else.

James laughed, glancing at Sirius in the rearview mirror for a moment, before focusing on the road once more. He tightened his grip on the wheel, still chuckling lightly, shaking his head.

"Because, you big baby," He kidded, "Wormy here gets travel sick! He's better in the front and is less likely to spew everywhere, and I'm not about to ruin my girlfriend's car."

"Gross..." Remus muttered, and Peter shot him an apologetic look in the overhead mirror.

"Plus," Peter quipped, "I have an elite music taste! I get to be in charge of the music if I'm at the front."

"My music taste is good," Remus grumbled, only for him to hear a snicker from next to him."

Smirking, Sirius teased, "You keep telling yourself that, Rem- hey!" He yelled as Remus kicked him in the shin with the side of his foot. "Moony, there was no need for that!" 

Remus only rolled his eyes and nudged Sirius once more.

Sirius had called him Moony on almost every occasion he could, and now that the other boys (and Lily) had cottoned on, hearing his name was a rare occurrence. It was nice, for the first time ever, to be called a nickname, but Remus wasn't sure why Sirius saying it sounded better than everyone else. Sure, it was cool when everyone said it, but Sirius calling him 'Moony' made his chest feel a little strange - a feeling he wasn't sure he'd ever felt before.

Regulus, of course, scoffed at the nickname; more so the fact that Sirius came up with it; and hadn't used it once (if you discount the one time Remus went to visit his boyfriend at work and his cup had 'Moony <3' written on the side of it.)

"Oh, this is going to be great, Prongs!" Sirius laughed, sarcastically, "Let's take two hyperactive queers-" He nodded to James and then himself. "Another with a naturally nervous disposition and the token straight boy who's a total pussy and travel sick to a  _ Theme Park _ ! That'll go well!"

"Hey!" Peter jumped to defend himself, "Rides don't make me sick, its just cars and buses!"

"And in my case," Remus asserted with a smirk, looking over at Sirius wryly, "Rollercoasters don't make me anxious. Well, they do, but in a good way."

Leaning a little towards him, Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Catharsis?"

"I guess so."

"Zip it, you two," James cackled from the driver's seat, "Look, we're here!" He stopped the car and pulled on the handbrake, and the four boys began to clamber out. A riotous shout (or many) filled the air as Remus slammed the left door shut, and he watched as the train on a distant rollercoaster fly above the trees surrounding the park, before dipping behind them again. Bringing his arms up high, Remus stretched, yawning, his jumper being pulled up and exposing his midriff to the cold March air. He dropped his arms with a sigh, looking over to the dark-haired boy next to him. Sirius, mid-stretch, looked odd and flustered, but Remus brushed it off.

"I think," Remus yawned again, "I should have been in the front. Just because of height issues," He pointed out as they all began to walk towards the park entrance.

"We shouldn't have to accommodate to giants," Sirius teased.

"And I shouldn't have to be friends with a hobbit," He snickered, patting the top of Sirius's head, "But here we are."

James, Peter, Remus and Sirius made it to the park entrance and through the queues with no further insults or bickering, which Remus was more than grateful for. Before they knew it, they were in the Theme Park, mouths opened wide at the sites before them. 

There was nothing but colour everywhere, with splashes of blues, pinks and yellows, and the sound of happy screams from the other areas of the park filled Remus's ears, and he couldn't help but grin with joy. Beside him was James, fumbling with the map the lady at the kiosk had given them, struggling to open it. Eventually, with the help from Peter, he opened it up, and they both held it out as Remus and Sirius peered at it from either side.

"So," Peter beamed, "Where are we off to first?"

Sirius's hand darted out, pointing to a coaster on the other side of the park, "That one!" He yelled excitedly, reminding Remus of an adorable little puppy, "It's the fastest coaster in the world!"

"Ex-fastest," Remus corrected as James folded the map back up, "It's only the fifth fastest rollercoaster in the UK."

"Oh well, smarty pants. Still fucking fast!"

Sirius skipped ahead a little as they made their way to the other side of the park. Just as jarring as entering the theme park was entering the area with the coaster. The atmosphere turned dark and thick. The incessant music that had been playing through the whole ten-minute walk suddenly disappeared, and was replaced with some forest ambience sounds instead. The rustling of trees and scuttling of bugs echoed in the air, and it made Remus's skin crawl.

At least they did the theming well.

The park was quiet, as people were still filtering in, so once they joined the queue, they were only waiting for ten minutes before they were called up. 

"You know," Peter smiled as he slid into his seat. Remus joined him while James and Sirius clambered into the seats in front. "This is nice."

"Hm?"

"Doing something with all four of us. Now that you and Sirius are getting along, it's nice to spend time together. I never expected to make such amazing friends at uni."

"Me neither," Remus replied as the ride attendant came by and checked that the over the shoulder seat restraint was properly clicked in.

"You know, next time, you should bring your boyfriend. You still haven't-"

" _ Keep your head back! _ " The ride announcement interrupted, " _ Hold on tight! You must escape! _ "

\---

Tightening his grip on James's arm, Peter groaned.

"Ughhh, I don't think this was a good idea..."

"Why not?!" Sirius screeched, jumping with joy and throwing his arm over Remus's shoulder. That was brilliant!"

"As soon as it shot off..." Peter muffled, "My stomach just dropped..."

Falling into bouts of laughter, Sirius, James and Peter began to decide where to head off to next.

Remus agreed - his stomach did drop. But not from the coaster. His friends had been asking more and more about his boyfriend, who he was and when they'd meet him, and it was getting harder by the day to fend them off. It'd have to happen eventually. Remus couldn't keep avoiding his name, but too many things hung in the balance. 

"Hey, Moony! You good?" A bundle of dark hair and pale skin interrupted his thoughts. 

Like his friendship with Sirius, for example. 

"Yeah," Remus smiled, a little too forcefully.

"You sure? You've gone kinda pale, and your face is all droopy."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just didn't realise just how fast that was..." He laughed, nudging Sirius to assure he was okay.

"Alright then!" Sirius beamed, content with the answer, "Come on then! We're off to Enterprise next!"

They did just that, and moved to another area of the park, and joined the queue for Enterprise. The ride was less thrilling than the one before it, but he and James - who had to sit on Remus's lap during the ride - had a good laugh throughout. Next, they queued up for one of the biggest rides in the park, with fourteen loops, decorated in obnoxiously bright and unnerving yellow and black spirals. The queue was caged in, dark, and right under the track. If it wasn't for Sirius being a brilliant distraction and keeping Remus calm, he knew he'd have had a panic attack. Thankfully, he didn't, and they made it on and off of the ride with no further issues.

They moved then to a tall ('almost as tall as you!' Sirius had teased) vertical drop ride, and the four of them sat in the front row. Remus was pleased to note he was the only one of the four of them that didn't' scream, and didn't hesitate to make it clear to them all after.

"Oh, and  _ I'm _ the one with anxiety!" He was doubled over with laughter as James walked beside him, legs shaking and knees knocking.

"Why the fuck was that so much scarier than the one before!" 

"Because," Sirius supplied helpfully, "The  _ anticipation _ ! Plus, that time, we weren't worried that our Moony was about to have a breakdown!"

"Oi!" Smacking Sirius around the back of his head, Remus smirked, "You're buying my food to make up for that!"

Unsurprisingly enough, Sirius did buy Remus's food - which was only a vegetarian hot dog from Wafflemeisters - while the other boys tucked into burgers and chips. They found a bench just opposite a massive rickety wooden coaster to sit down and eat, and talked and laughed as they tucked in. Once James had finished eating, he dug the map, now all creased and crumpled, back out from his pocket, and spread it out across the table.

"We all want to go on that one, right?" He pointed to the picture on the map of a red coaster surrounded by rocks and some fleshy looking substance with a wide grin.

"Of course we do, Prongs! If Wormtails up for it, that is?" Sirius grinned, lightly kicking Peters shin from across the table.

"I-I guess so... I mean, it does look awesome!"

"Well then, we can walk that route," Sirius continued, trailing his finger along the drawing of a path, "And we can stop at Duel on the way, right?"

"What's Duel?" asked Remus, swallowing the last of his hotdog and having a drink, waiting upon Sirius's answer.

"Like a... like a ghost train, I guess? But you get guns, and you have to shoot the targets around the place!"

"Is it scary?" He couldn't deal with being jumped out at; it'd just take the fun out of it all.

"Nope!" James assured, "It's all dark and neon. I mean, the music can be a little creepy, but we'll be there."

Sirius's face darkened a little, but he smiled softly, and Remus wasn't sure why he was instantly smiling back. "If you're not up for it, I can wait with you outside? We can go on something else in the meantime!" 

"Don't  _ not  _ go on it for me, I'll be fine! And anyway, I want to go on it. James is right, how bad can it be?"

Chatting along as they did, they headed through the Haunted Hollow - a themed walking route to the different areas of the park. Remus hovered back with Peter, watching as James and Sirius entertained themselves, dancing around the decorative gravestones and singing gargoyles. They ended up crying with laughter when the pair of them got scared in a fake photo booth just off of the main track, and Peter ended up doubled by a tree. Eventually, once Peter and Remus had calmed down, and Sirius didn't want to strangle them for laughing, they made it out of the Hollow into a courtyard with an old looking manor in the centre. 

"Oh," Remus laughed, seeing that the sign ' _ Duel: The Haunted House Strikes Back _ ' was bright, in a neon purple with bold greens and reds on top, "It's really not that scary then, is it?"

"Not one bit," James ruffled his hair, "Now come on! The queue is short!" He grabbed Peter's hand, and they ran across the courtyard to the entrance. 

"Coming?" Sirius put a hand on Remus's shoulder, smiling.

"Of course."

They made it in, and the four of them waited in the queue behind a couple, Sirius's hand staying on Remus's shoulder the whole time. Remus was grateful for the comfort, as the dark queue corridor and the strange, eery music was putting him on edge.

The couple was let into one of the trains, and they all realise that the ride only seated two people.

"Who's going with who?" Peter asked.

"I kinda wanted to go with Peter," James chipped in timidly, "But we can change around if-"

"Nope! I haven't sat next to Moony on a ride yet, so that works out for me!" Sirius grinned. "What about you, Rem?"

Remus tugged on the ends of his sleeves, regretting coming on the ride in the first place as the creepy music seemed to get louder, and he heard a scream from further on inside. "H-honestly, I was going to ask if I could go on with Sirius..."

"It's settled then!" Peter tapped his friend on the back, and he and James walked over to the ride assistant by the carriage.

"See you on the other side!" James called in a spooky voice as the train was sent along the tracks and around the corner. 

Remus waited with Sirius in silence as the other train pulled up and the couple on their climbed off, laughing about what had gone on inside. The ride assistant told them to get on, and Sirius sat on the far right, while Remus took the seat to the left. 

After a jitter and a churning sound, the train began to move forward.

"Here," Sirius grinned, passing a plastic neon gun to Remus. It was connected to the front of the carriage with a wire tubing, and had a small number display on them - which was at zero. Sirius had a second gun, also at zero, and he held it out with one hand dramatically.

"What are you shooting?" Remus asked, tossing the gun from one hand to another, as Sirius aimed for a small yellow dot on the wall, and pulled the trigger. The number on his gun went up by 10 points, and he smiled even wider (or, at least Remus guessed he did, unable to really tell in the dark light.)

"The little lights on the wall, it works with lasers or something?"

"Ah."

The train turned the corner, and they were in a different room, somehow even darker than the corridor before. Around were different mannequins dressed in ghostly costumes, perched on chairs or hanging from the ceiling, covered in what must have been hundreds of tiny yellow lights. Remus lifted the gun, pointing it and flailing his arms wildly to try and shoot them, missing almost every time. At one point, Sirius leant over him, arm outstretched, shooting all the lights Remus seemed to have missed. 

"You're doing so bad!" Sirius laughed, shooting even more targets.

Remus aimed at another cluster of lights, pulling the trigger, again and again, only to see his points not go up at all. "Shut it, Pads."

Still snickering to himself, Sirius managed to shoot another couple of the little dots before they were turning the corner once more and entering another room. The second room was decorated like a dining room, but old, dusty and abandoned. The lights were on everything; from the cups on the tables, to the spiders on the ceiling, to the portraits on the wall. They settled back into what they were doing before; aiming at the lights and shooting down the dots. Remus managed a few more this time and smirked smugly at Sirius, who shrugged with a smile.

Remus had never done a thing like it before - theme parks were never his scene, and he'd always been too scared for ghost trains, but he wouldn't change a thing about it! He felt guilty for a moment, wondering if he should be here with Reg instead, but the worry fell from his shoulders as he smiled to the boy next to him. Sirius leant over him once more, shooting even more of the dots, and Remus felt his face go hot for no reason. With Sirius reaching over his thighs, gun still in his hand, Remus realised just how close their faces were to one another. Remus breathed a sigh of relief as Sirius sat back upright, gun held in both hands, his eyes wide and smile excited. 

Once more, they turned the corner and were in a room with ghouls flying above them, and a few more popping out from the side. One jumped out a little too close for Remus's liking, and he couldn't help but flinch in his seat, shuffling a little closer to Sirius.

Noticing his discomfort - or, that was what Remus guessed it was - Sirius smirked, before darting his arm out. He took hold of the end of Remus's gun, covering the end so Remus couldn't move the gun or shoot.

"Hey! Pads! Get off!"

"Never!" Sirius laughed, gripping onto it tighter, his arm moving about as Remus tried to shake the gun from his grip. "You're getting too good!"

Remus grabbed Sirius's arm and leant forwards until he was almost towering over him, pinning him against the right side of the cart, and he continued to shake his arm about.

"Give! It! Back!"

"N-Not a chance!" Sirius panted, laughing, and Remus could see his face was going red, even in the dim light of the room.

"Sirius," Remus dropped his voice, eyebrow raised, and propping his leg up onto the seat so he was mounting even further than before, "Give me the-"

The cart lurched forwards, and Remus was thrown off balance. He tumbled backwards, pulling Sirius onto him and he ended up with his back pressed against the right door. He could hear Sirius breathing, his lips close to his ear, and that's when he realised the room was far too silent.

"Pads," Remus huffed, recovering from his laughter and the playfighting, "Where's the music?"

"Shit, I dunno, maybe-"

The ride jittered again, before coming to a stop, and the lights flickered, before totally turning off.

"Fuck!" Remus hissed, "It's fucking broken!"

"R-Rem.."

"The fuck are we gonna do!"

"Moony... Moons-"

"Help!"

"We are experiencing some technical difficulties," The voice over the intercom said, interrupting Remus's shouts, "Please remain seated, and we'll have the ride back up and running as soon as possible."

"Bollocks!" Remus grumbled, sliding down into the seat when he looked to his right. "Who knows how long we're gonna be here! We could- Sirius?" Remus narrowed his eyes, barely able to make out the shape of his friend in the darkness. It looked as though Sirius was curled up, his feet on the seat and knees to his chest, and he was trembling.

"The dark..." Sirius whispered, resting his forehead on his legs. "I don't do well in the dark."

"Shit..."

"Hey!" Came a call from further down the ride. "Pads! Moony!"

"Prongs?!" Shouted Remus, resisting the urge to get out of the cart to go and find them.

"Rem! Look after Sirius for me! He's sc-"

"Yeah! Don't worry, I will!"

Without thinking, Remus reached his arms out and pulled Sirius in close. 

"Here, uh... close your eyes, or bury your face into my chest or something, okay? Then you won't be able to see."

Sirius followed the suggestion, pressing his face into the crook of Remus's neck, keeping his hands wrapped around himself, hands balling into tight fists. "Sorry..."

"Don't be sorry," Remus laughed, bringing his hand to Sirius's head, rubbing his thumb soothingly over his hair. "You've helped me through anxiety attacks before, this is the least I can do..."

They stayed like that, with Sirius pressed to Remus's side, warm and comforting; a big change from the cold air in the room (they couldn't tell where they'd ended up in after their playfight, seeing as it was too dark now). Sirius was different to hug compared to his brother, Remus noted with the taste of something gross on his tongue that he couldn't place, and didn't really want to. It was probably guilt, if he thought long and hard about it. Sirius was softer, his hair longer and a little silkier, and warmer, too. He was smaller than Remus, and fit perfectly in his arms, curved up against his side, with his cheek nuzzled to Remus's neck. Regulus, on the other hand, was sharper - more narrow eyes, pointier limbs, rougher hair. They were about the same height, Regulus fitting comfortable against him - as he found out the one night he snuck Reg into the flat for a movie night before sneaking him out again.

Before he realised what he was doing, while carding his fingers softly through Sirius's hair, Remus began humming a tune that he didn't know the name of. A muffle came from under his chin.

"Huh? Sirius, are you alright?"

"That was Happy Ending," He murmured, pleased, lifting his head from his place against his friend's neck.

"What?"

"That," Sirius said a little more surely, "Was Happy Ending by MIKA. The song I played at the Union that time we ran from your mum's."

"Oh..." Remus smiled, "Thanks for telling me the name. It's been in my head ever since, and I just keep humming the tune of it."

"It's a beautiful song," Sirius agreed, shuffling to he was sat upright but still unbearably close to Remus. Even in the dim light, Remus could make out the thin shape of Sirius's nose, his dark lashes and eyeliner, and his lips, pink and thin and-

_ What the fuck? _

"I-it is," Remus tried not to freak out, wondering how he'd let Sirius get so close, and trying to figure out why he was moving closer. Before he realised, Remus had inched forward, not really knowing why, and kept his hand in Sirius's hair. 

"Moony, I need-"

The train lurched once more, and they were moving, just as the lights flickered back on. The small yellow lights appeared around the room again, and the moving animatronics were back up and running. Remus looked ahead of him to see just how close Sirius was, bearly half an inch away, and he pushed him back by the shoulders quickly.

"Sorry," Sirius quickly spluttered out, settling back in his seat as far away from Remus as possible, "I shouldn't have-"

"No, no,  _ I _ shouldn't have-" Remus interrupted.

"We shouldn't-"

" _ I  _ shouldn't-"

"Let's not mention that to anyone, alright?" Sirius finally settled on, glancing over at Remus - unaware that Remus had been staring at him.

"Yeah," He sighed, "Just pretend it never happened, yeah?"

"Yeah."

They stayed still for the rest of the ride, on opposite sides of the cart, not picking up their guns again, and sitting in silence. Eventually, after an awkwardly long time, they turned a corner and were blinded by more light than they'd seen in the last twenty minutes or so. 

They scrambled from the train, dashing out of the ride exit and bumping almost right into James and Peter.

"Fuck! Are you guys alright? Padfoot, are you okay?" James hurried over to them, looking as though he was checking Sirius over.

"Yeah, dude, I'm alright! Remus, he- uh... kept me company."

"Well, that's bloody good! You need anything?

"Just a fag," Sirius laughed, unamused, pulling his packet of cigarettes from his pocket, "I'll head over to the smoking area and meet you back here.

Remus pulled a lighter from his jacket, "I'll come-"

"Alone, mate, if that's okay?" Sirius walked off, not waiting for a response from his friend, and Remus felt his heart drop.

"Don't stress, Moony!" James laughed, hitting him on the back. "He's had a thing against the dark since- well, for a while. He's just worked up!"

But Remus couldn't seem to shake it off. Was it his imagination, or was Sirius really about to kiss him?

And why the hell did Remus want to kiss him back?


	24. Tangled Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's all slowly coming together :)  
> hope you all enjoy! <3

Sirius

Sirius sat up, stretching, shivering as his back cracked with every little movement. He couldn't just lie here all afternoon waiting for Regulus to message him. Instead, with his body still aching, Sirius reached to grab his phone from under his pillow, wincing at the bright light. He opened his texts and typed out a message, thumbs moving fast over the keyboard.

_Hey, kid~! Not heard from you in a while! We still on for today? :p_

Head flopping back onto the pillow, Sirius sighed; his hand still holding his phone rested on his chest, and he felt himself drifting off to sleep before hearing a knock at his door.

"Ugh... gimmie a sec..." He grumbled, rolling off of the bed unceremoniously, rubbing his eyes with the back of his free hand in a useless attempt to wake up a little more. Slumping over to the door, he took the handle and opened it, only to be greeted with James's face, eyes excited and smiling brightly. "I don't have the energy to deal with you today," Sirius moaned with a smile, opening the door wider for James to slip inside.

"Well, hello to you too, brother!" He laughed, "What's up with you?"

"Just exhausted. I've not been sleeping well since-"

"Since we went to the theme park," James shrugged, "Don't think I haven't noticed."

Sirius did nothing but shrug back, settling down onto the bed, and James sat next to him. 

"Come on then," He probed, "Have at it. What happened?"

"It's nothing," He lied, bringing his fingers to his lips subconsciously. 

"Really, Pads? Nothing? Because it's been, what, two and a bit weeks now? And you've been... odd ever since."

"I'm fine," Sirius lied again, but with a little more conviction. "You know what, I'm gonna go out! Get some fresh air, pick up a new hobby. That's what I need!" He lept up off of the bed, hands in his jeans pockets, grinning down to James below him.

"Uh..." James raised an eyebrow, confused, his lips twitching in obvious amusement. He too got up off of the bed, continuing to stare at his brother. "Whatever you say, man," He laughed, patting Sirius on the back once and heading for the door once again. "Aren't you off to see Regulus today anyway? It's Tuesday, so..."

"Well, I was, but the little bastard hasn't replied to me-"

Just as Sirius said that, he was interrupted with a ping from his phone; he pulled it from his pocket to check. 

**Sorry, can't meet today.**

"Hang on, Jamie... I think he's cancelled on me."

_Why????? Come on, that's super late notice!!!_

**I'm busy.**

_wth do you have to do to be busy on a tuesday night Reg???? You have,,, literally no social life!_

**I have a date, if you must know.**

_My brother? A date? Who'd date your slimy arse ;)_

**I'm sure I'll tell you soon enough.**

_bloody better ;p_

"Yeah," Sirius shrugged, slipping his phone back in his pocket and looking up to James, "He's got a date tonight, so he's cancelled."

James groaned, "Please don't mention your brother and dates in the same sentence. I had enough of that last year!"

Sirius let out a sharp bark of laughter at his friend's face, agreeing in his head, even if he never would out loud.

"Who knows," James smirked, "You could always spend your afternoon with lover boy?"

"Who, Remus?"

"Moony, I believe, is what you call him now! Interesting choice of a nickname," He teased, "Dreamy and unaware of your surroundings because you're in love, am I right?"

"Shut it, Prongs. Don't you have a lecture to get to?"

"Alright, alright," He said, amused, slipping out of the door and heading down the hall. He called out as he reached the front door, "Have fun this afternoon, you know, _picking up a new hobby_ , or whatever!"

Only when Sirius heard the apartment door close, did he heave out a sigh of relief. 

He hadn't told James about- well, about whatever had happened, or was _going_ to happen, on the ghost train a couple of weeks back. He couldn't get the image of Remus so close to him, so close he could feel his breath on his lips, out of his mind. It must have been his imagination, but he was as sure as anything that Remus had moved forwards. Sirius would have done it, too. He'd have kissed him.

If he wasn't seeing someone else, that is.

Sirius had questionable morals (and so did Remus, clearly, if his head was in the same place), but neither of them were bad enough to become... cheats. Not at all. Sirius wasn't going to be the cause of a relationship breaking down - never in a million years. 

Instead, he'd moved away when Remus pushed him and done his best to carry on like nothing had happened. He'd tried not to act weird and withdrawn as he had before, but the feeling of when Remus was on top of him, pinning him down...

Sirius was going mad.

He grabbed his jacket from the back of his desk chair, and stormed from the apartment. He had a cigarette between his lips before he'd even left the building, and lit it the second he stepped out of the doors. 

He began walking, not sure where he was heading, simply walking to clear his mind from whatever he was thinking of (and that whatever was Remus, of course.) The fresh air was a nice change. It was only a few days from April, and the breeze was warming a little each day. It was no longer numbing - no more red noses and painful cheeks, but simple a cold wind enough to calm the mind, and Sirius was grateful. He slowed down, not pacing any more, but strolling calmly along the path, his cigarette loose in his mouth, and he found himself smiling. Maybe it was good he had the afternoon free today.

Reg having a date was... unexpected. Regulus wasn't the kind of person to date, and other than James and Remus, he hadn't shown any interest in anyone else, ever. But it was good for him, really! Reg needed to get out and meet more people. He spent far too much time cooped up, either revising or working, and it'd be good for him to see someone, make friends through them. Maybe Sirius could meet them one day, and he'd be able to do that 'protective but chill' big brother act he'd never had the chance to do when they were kids. It'd be hard to keep it from his (Regulus's) mother, but he'd be out of there soon, once his A-Levels were done, and they'd be free. 

The Black Brothers. Out of the closet. In their own home. Away from their family.

It would be a dream come true.

Turning the corner onto the high street, Sirius almost considered heading to The Coffee Club. But the idea of facing Hope Howell, especially with the thoughts running in his head about her son, was too much to bear. Instead, he caught sight of a shop he'd never seen before - a quaint, dark little store, with guitars and paints and mannequins with fabrics pinned to it in the window. It seemed like a jumble of all sorts, music, arts, craft and general hobby store, and Sirius was drawn right to it. He headed over, pushing open the front door.

A small, high pitched bell chimed over his head, and the strange smell of acrylic and polish hit him fast. Sirius closed the door behind him, and looked about. On the far left seemed to be a music isle, with guitars and ukuleles on the wall, baskets of guitar picks and adapter cords on the shelves. There were drumsticks too, and some other bits that Sirius wasn't sure of their purpose. The middle aisle had a collection of things, from cross stitch kits, to crafting tools, to fashion design accessories. The last aisle was full of paints, pencils, pens, pallets, canvases, and anything else your average artist would need. 

He headed down the middle aisle, interested in something he'd never tried before, only to catch sight of a worker at the desk, looking down at her phone. He recognised her, and walked over with a smile.

"Oh- hey," He got her attention, and she looked up with a grin, "You're Marlene, right? You share a room with Lily Evans?"

"Ah, no," The girl laughed, "Marlene is my better half! I'm Dorcas, her girlfriend, but I'm in the same dorm. You're Sirius, yeah? Friends with James, dorms with Rem. Hosted that Halloween party, I think?"

"That's me!"

"Nice to properly meet you, at last!" Dorcas stuck her hand out to shake Sirius's, her dark curls bouncing about as she did. "Now, what can I help you with? Remy mentioned that you study music, so I'm guessing that's what you're here for?"

"It's actually not! I'm looking at trying something new. Not that I've got a clue what," He added with a laugh, shrugging.

"Well, why don't you have a look down there," She gestured to the centre aisle, "And see if there's anything you fancy. Let me know if you need a hand?"

"Will do."

Sirius did just that, looking back down the middle of the store. First, he picked up one of the cross stitching kits, but was a little put off at the designs. Flowers, kittens in a basket, nothing as cool or punk rock as he wanted, really... He looked at a few other kits, like embroidery, or crochet, but none of those seemed to take his fancy either. Lastly, he walked over to a tall set of shelves filled with a variety of wool colours, and then the knitting needles next to them.

"Hey, Dorcas!" He called across the store, grateful no one else was inside.

"Yeah?"

"How much wool would I need for a jumper? Knitting, I mean."

"Uh, for large adults, for the wool you're looking at? I'd say three and a bit for the chunky yarn? But go with four to be safe."

"And how long does it take?" Sirius asked, picking up a ball of white wool in one hand, and black in the left.

"Get the right needles - ten millimetres you'll need for that - and six weeks maybe? Why?"

"I didn't get Remus anything for his birthday," Sirius said. "He didn't even tell me it was his birthday at the beginning of the month until a couple days ago," He laughed, grabbing three balls of black wool, two of white, and a pair of needles, before making his way to the counter. 

"Yeah, he's not a fan of celebrating it according to Lily. Dunno, guess he just prefers to... hide in the crowd?"

"Yeah, well, that's Moony," Sirius smiled a little sadly, dumping the yarn onto the countertop. 

Dorcas grabbed them one by one, scanning them on the till and putting them into a white paper bag. "Moony?"

"A nickname," He gestured.

After scanning everything, she gave Sirius the total, and the hovered his phone over the chip and pin machine to pay.

"Have fun!" Dorcas waved as Sirius left, bag in hand, determination in his mind.

He had another cigarette on his way home, careful not to let any of the ashes fall into the bag with the wool, and made it back to the apartment in record time. Sirius headed up the stairs, into the door of their flat, and dumped out his purchases onto the dining room table.

He bought out his phone and began scrolling through Google and Youtube, until he came across at tutorial he actually liked the look of. Snatching two cans of coke from the fridge (one to drink and one to prop his phone up on), he took a seat and opened up the needles from their packet.

Knitting was... harder than he'd thought. He was hoping to have at least gotten one or two rows done in the past hour, but instead, all Sirius had managed to do was use half a ball of yarn with nothing to show for it! Slamming the needles onto the table with half a row done, he huffed, and let his head fall to the tabletop.

"Well, you look like you're having fun," A deep voice laughed from the doorway, and Sirius smiled (not that the other person could see while his face was pressed to the surface top).

"Shut it Moony, I tried."

"Learning to knit, huh? That's not very punk of you," He snickered, and Sirius could hear him moving closer to the table. "I could teach you one day! Or mum could. I know she'd be up for it."

"That's a good idea, I like your mum," Sirius said, lifting his head from the table, "She's like- like you..." He trailed off, eyes settling on Remus.

Remus was fiddling with the cuff of his shirt, a charcoal grey and matching his black, skinny jeans perfectly. The top few buttons were undone, showing off protruding collarbones and his pale neck, and was joined with a thin chain. Here Remus was, in tight clothes, messy hair, red cheeks and a crooked smile, expecting Sirius not to fall further in love with him. 

"You- uh, you look... nice..." Sirius stammered out, feeling his face go hot, praying for the floor to eat him up. _Yeah, nice. Good job, Sirius, you dumb, incompetent gay!_

"Nice? I didn't spend half an hour choosing my shirt to just look nice, Padfoot," Remus teased, adjusting his collar and playing with the necklace and _would he please stop doing that?!_

"More than nice," Sirius squeaked, "Definitely more than nice."

"Well thank god for that!"

"Where, uh-" He cleared his throat, desperate to not be talking an octave too high, "Where are you off to?"

"A date," He smiled, "Nothing too formal, but R- my boyfriend wanted to take me out."

Like that, Sirius's heart dropped - if only Remus would dress like that for him. "That's nice," He managed to smile, hoping it looked more genuine than it was, "When are you off?"

"Now, actually!"

"Well, have fun."

"I will," Remus pat Sirius on the head once before turning back out of the room, "Enjoy your knitting! I can show you some when I come back tonight, yeah?"

"Sounds great!" Sirius called as the apartment door shut. It took every ounce of restraint in his body to not run after Remus, to tell him to go out with him instead. Sirius was much better than whatever sleazeball Remus was dating.

Instead, he settled for slamming his head back down onto the table.

Who the hell _was_ Remus dating anyway? He'd said it was no one that anyone in the flat knew, but it had to be, surely, or he'd have said a name by now! Maybe it was one of the ginger twins in the year above them? Sirius was sure one of them was gay - not that he could remember which. Perhaps it was someone in one of their lectures? Or on the football team or the house band, so Sirius or James knew them? 

Remus couldn't be lying. He couldn't lie that well, could he? They were both probably too scared, what with Remus only just having come out (four months ago, sure, but it wasn't straightforward to adjust _that_ easily).

Come to think of it, Tuesday was an odd day to take someone out - especially when most people were working or at school or something. Most people wait for the weekend to go out, particularly for a date. The only other person Sirius knew who'd make plans for a date on a Tuesday was...

Was Regulus.

Fuck.

_Oh, fuck!_

The sneaking around.

Not saying his name.

Not introducing them.

Taking him to the zoo for the first time.

_His brother never mentioning a boyfriend before._

Sirius should have known. How could he be so stupid?!

It was Regulus.


	25. Well Overdue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took. so much. longer to write. than it should have done.  
> but here we are!
> 
> Hope you enjoy <3<3

Remus

Pulling his arms tightly around himself, Remus wished he'd taken a jacket out with him - but Sirius sat in the kitchen asking about Remus's date had scared him, and he'd left as quick as he could. The restaurant was just up the road, though, so he didn't have to worry about being out in the cold too long. He almost did the last few buttons of his shirt up in a desperate attempt to keep warm, and as his hands raised to do so, his fingertips brushed over a piece of metal. Remus looked down to see the small, blue butterfly pin he'd added to his shirt before he'd left. A little childish, perhaps, but he loved it too much.

After the short walk, Remus stepped into the restaurant, adjusting his eyes to the dark from where he was walking in the setting sun. The room was dim, lit with fake candles at the tables and on the sidelights, as well as a few overhead lights to brighten the bar. It wasn't too posh (not the kind of place to put a few grams of potato on a plate and charge you £60, Remus noted with a sigh of relief) but was classy enough for him to silently wish he'd worn something smarter than black jeans.

Only a few steps in, and he was greeted by a member of the wait staff.

"Hello, Sir," She smiled widely, "There's a bit of a wait on a seat tonight, unless you have a table booked?"

"My partner seems to already have a table," Remus pointed out a figure on a table for two towards the back of the restaurant, "He's right over there."

"That's all sorted then, sir! If you'd like to head over, someone will be with you soon enough to take your orders."

Remus, moving around to avoid bumping into other waiters and customers, headed over to the table where Regulus was. Reg stood up from his seat, and placed a fleeting kiss on Remus's cheek. He was in a black shirt and trousers, well-fitting and smart. With his hair slicked back rather than falling in front of his face, he looked considerably different from his brother, and Remus felt that guilt in his throat again at the thought of comparing them.

"Hello, Remus," He smiled, somewhat more awkwardly than normal, and Remus had to push down the nagging feeling of worry. It was just his anxiety.

"Hey, Reg," Remus instead beamed back, before the pair took their seats. "What have you ordered to drink?"

"Red. Cabernet Sauvignon, I presumed you'd like it?"

"Of course."

Regulus picked up the bottle that was at the end of the table, and Remus found himself absorbed with the sight and sound of the wine being poured out and into the glass.

"Cheers," Remus lifted his now full glass, and Regulus did the same.

"Cheers."

"So, how's work-"

"Excuse me, gentlemen," A voice interrupted, and Remus looked from his boyfriend to see a waiter hovering over them, a small notepad and pen in his hands and a comforting smile on his lips. "Sorry to interrupt, but are we ready to order food for this evening?"

"Not quite," Regulus answered, "Are we alright to call someone over when we're ready?"

"Of course, take your time!" With that, the waiter left, and Remus looked back up to his partner.

"So," Remus grinned, picking up the menu from the placemat in front of him, "What do you fancy to eat-"

"Remus." Regulus interrupted, his hands folded over his own menu.

"Hm?"

"I think," He sighed, "We should talk before we order."

Remus tried to laugh off the anxiety building in his chest, clawing at his stomach and crawling up his throat. "Oh no, that doesn't sound too good..."

"Look, Remus," Regulus tried to smile, not exactly having the calming effect it was intending, "I don't think this is gonna work out... you and I." 

The whole world seemed to fall still - the clattering of cutlery on crockery and the mindless chatter in the background disappeared. 

"You, uh, you don't?"

"Yeah," He said a little awkwardly, rubbing his hands together in a nervous manner that Remus had seen Sirius do once or twice, "You're amazing, you really are. But some things just... aren't meant to be?" Regulus shrugged, almost as if it was a question.

"You seem unsure," Remus pointed out, picking at the paper on the corner of the menu, tearing up a little of the glossy covering, "If it's something I've done, then please tell me. I can-"

"Rem, no, it's not... it's not that," He huffed.

"Then what?"

"Look, Remus," Reg said for what felt like the 20th time since they began talking, "I think you're wonderful. You're smart and pretty and just perfect, but you're sat here with the wrong Black."

Regulus's voice had an edge to it, one that Remus hadn't heard before. It wasn't the cool, flirtatious tone he'd used the first few times they'd met, or the calm, level voice every other time since then. 

What did that mean, the wrong Black? Regulus couldn't mean that Remus should be here with... Sirius, could he?

"I- I don't get it?" Remus stammered, feeling his breath getting caught in his throat from the anxiety

"You aren't in love with me," He laughed lightly, shaking his head, and Remus could see that the smile on his lips was a lie - and a big one at that.

"But I'm not in love with Sirius, either?"

"No. Maybe not yet," Regulus shrugged, "But you want to be. You want to be in love with him more than you want to be in love with me."

There was a beat of silence. It wasn't tense, not like Remus would have expected during a break-up. Instead, it was like when Lily had tried to kiss him. It was almost as though, in the back of his mind, Remus had been expecting this. A strange feeling of relief washed over him; it washed over him like waves lapping onto the shore, gentle and calming.

"I'm just going to need to say this or I'll never get it out," Regulus continued with a sigh, leaning back in his chair. He tried to smile, without much luck, and slipped his hands through his hair. "This isn't the first time I've fallen for someone and watched them fall for someone else."

"James..."

"And each time, I keep thinking that I can live with it, you know? Pretend that it's okay and that they love me, for my own peace of mind. But... but there comes a point," He huffed, "Where you need to make a choice. I'm tired," Regulus laughed, strained, "I'm really tired. You're... you're too good for the both of us to keep lying."

"I'm not-"

"Yeah, you are. You don't see it yet, but you are. And while I don't care about Sirius, I care about you. A lot." He raised his shoulders, as though the weight of the world had been lifted from them. 

"Reg..."

"You'll be happier with Sirius. You- ugh, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you belong together. You... fit."

"Regulus," Remus squeezed his eyes shut. The light was too bright and the room was too loud and nothing was making sense. "I still don't get it? You're saying, what, that I'm in love with Sirius? Or I should be?"

"Rem, look at me. What do you see?" 

"I see my boyfriend?" Remus shook his head in confusion. 

"No, what do you _see_?" 

"Uhh... black hair, grey eyes, pale skin- Reg, what are you getting at?" 

"Try again," Regulus laughed, "What do you see?" 

Remus tried again, looking harder. At first, he wondered if there was a scar on his face, a freckle, something small he'd never seen before. He leant back, trying again. He saw dark hair, slicked back, but with one strand falling in front of his face, rather similar to how Sirius's hair fell when he put it up in a bun. He saw those same grey eyes, darker than his brothers, not as shiny or deep. Reg had lighter lashes, whereas Sirius's was dark, and he'd lower them when he laughed. 

Remus realised, after a moment, what his boyfriend, or his ex-boyfriend, so it seemed, was getting at. 

"I... I see your brother." He stuttered with a breath he didn't know he was holding, and that anxiety that had been in his stomach since they started talking eased up. Remus wasn't sure why.

"There we go," Regulus smiled, gesturing his hands out, before dropping them to his lap. "You see Sirius..."

"But... why?"

"Why do you think?" He laughed like the answer was obvious.

"I don't know."

He really didn't; not at all. He loved Regulus, didn't he? Sirius was only a friend, and even that was only a recent development. 

"Think about it," He stood up, brushing the dirt from his thighs, "I'll leave you to it, Rem."

Remus grabbed Regulus's wrist lightly from across the table, "Please," He simpered, "Just stay for tonight. As friends."

"Not tonight," Regulus said sadly, slowly easing his wrist from Remus's grip. "I don't think that's the best idea. You need to clear your head. Go for a walk, think things over, and talk to Sirius, okay?"

"Okay."

Regulus moved from the opposite side of the table to next to Remus, taking slow but sure steps. The restaurant stayed busy and bustling, with families sat to eat and couples on dates, but Remus couldn't tear his eyes away from the boy before him. Bending slightly closer to him, Regulus bought his hand up, and placed two fingers on the butterfly pin on his collar. He traced the edges, before swiping over the enamel in the middle. 

"I love you, Remus Lupin," He said after a moment, looking at the pin rather than Remus. 

"I lo-"

"No, you don't," Regulus interrupted hurriedly, as though hearing the words would hurt him. "You don't," He echoed, quieter, with a smile on his lips so small that Remus almost couldn't see it.

Regulus stood up straight, and with a last shrug, turned his back to him and began to leave. Remus watched as he got smaller the further he walked, getting lost in the group of diners, until he left the restaurant without looking back, glass of wine abandoned and his ex left with his head swimming.

Remus couldn't stay there forever - no, he needed to get up and leave and figure out what the fuck Reg was talking about. He drank his wine (and by drank, he downed) and stood up hastily, throwing a £20 note onto the table before walking through the restaurant faster than his ex, and oh how horrible it was to say that in his mind, had.

The cold air was somehow even colder than half an hour prior, and it stung Remus's cheeks, making his eyes water, and he wrapped his arms around himself once again. He couldn't see straight, couldn't think straight.

He and Sirius were friends, nothing more than that! What happened at the theme park; more so what _didn't_ happen; was... a matter of circumstance. Remus didn't want to kiss _Sirius_ , right? He got confused for a moment, thinking it was Reg. The pair were too similar. That was all. 

What he needed was to go back to the flat, teach Sirius how to knit, and carry on pretending as though nothing had ever happened with him and Regulus Arcturus Black.

That was a good thing out of all of this, Remus thought, a smile gracing his lips for the first time that night. As long as he totally ignored everything Reg had mentioned, Padfoot never had to know he and his brother were ever involved.

 _"It wasn't working,"_ He could lie, _"So best to leave it there. No argument, but we aren't friends,"_ Was a perfect excuse. Sirius would never have to ask who he dated, and all would be as it was.

There, he sighed in his head with resolve, that's that sorted. Before he knew it, he was approaching the flat block, and pushed open the store. After the last half an hour, Remus was just looking forward to a night curled up with Sirius on the sofa, the light tapping of knitting needles and the grumbles of his friend getting frustrated echoing in the air. All would be okay. His first relationship was an utter disaster, but he had Lily, and James, Peter, and of course Sirius, and that was more than enough.

He reached the top of the stairs and stood in front of the apartment door for a moment. He let out a heavy sigh, dropping his shoulders, trying to let the tension roll off of him just so Sirius didn't ask any questions about the date. Once content, or a little more content than he had been, he dug his keys from his pocket, sticking the key into the hole and smiling to himself. It would be fine.


	26. Hot Under The Collar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mwahah ;)  
> Hope you all enjoy! <3<3

Sirius

Sirius's fingers dug further into his scalp, pulling at his hair and squeezing his temples between the palms of his hands. He reached the kitchen counter before spinning on his heel and pacing the other direction towards the dining table. He ground his teeth together, chewing on the inside of his cheek, biting his tongue to stop another outburst. The first one resulted in bruised knuckles and a cupboard door almost taken off of its hinges, and he couldn't be dealing with another. No, Sirius needed to keep his cool. He went over in his head what he'd say when he saw _him_ , only to get caught up on two words.

_His brother._

He was seeing _his fucking brother._

Sirius headed back for the counters in his pacing when he heard a key being put into the keyhole and jangled about. _Please be James_ , he prayed, needing to cool down and talk things out before he started making accusations and ending up hitting someone. _Or even Peter!_ Peter would be better! Peter would sit him down, make him a coffee, and they'd talk rationally. Prongs would probably flip out and go storming out of the flat.

"Padfoot?" A voice called as Sirius heard the apartment door opening, the creaking deafeningly loud against the silence of the rest of the flat. "Sirius, you here? Thought I could teach you how to knit, seeing as- oh, hello!" Remus smiled, turning the corner. The apartment door closed softly, and Remus stayed where he was, staring at Sirius, grinning as though nothing was wrong. As though he wasn't a snake. A liar. 

_Bastard._

How, when Sirius's blood was boiling and he wanted nothing more than to strangle the boy in front of him, did he end up weak at the knees. Remus's hair was messier than normal, blown about by the wind, and one little curl rested on his forehead - Sirius was itching to reach out and touch it. His smile was wonky, a little higher on the right side, and his face was red from the cold. His shirt was a little out of place, eyes a little dark, and he looked bloody gorgeous.

"Where were you tonight? " Sirius asked without realising. _No, this wasn't how it was meant to go!_ He wasn't supposed to be talking like that. With an edge; that sharpness he'd gotten from his father. There was meant to be a dramatic moment! A confession, tears, probably! Remus saying he loved him too! They'd kiss, maybe more, James would come home, they'd celebrate with booze and pizza, _Sirius would pretend like Remus hadn't stabbed him in the back._

"Oh," Remus said a little startled, leaning on the doorway. He looked uncomfortable. Out of place. _Like he always did when you asked about his dates,_ Sirius yelled at himself in his jittering mind. "Date, remember. Not that, uh, not that I really want to talk about it," He shrugged, pulling at his collar a little, near that _fucking pin_. The pin his baby brother gave him!

Who were you with?" He seethed, shaking with anger, watching Remus squirm in the doorway. It was so obvious now, so painfully obvious. Remus's face went redder. Not from the cold or the wind, but embarrassment. Sirius knew. Remus knew that Sirius knew.

"I-" 

"Because if you were with who I think you were with," He interrupted. _Let him speak!_ "So help me."

"Sirius, I-"

"You were with Regulus, weren't you?"

There, he'd said it. No tears were falling from his eyes yet, but Sirius could feel it. He needed to keep it together.

"Sirius..." Remus sighed, shaking on the spot, his eyes looking just past Sirius rather than at him, "I wanted to tell you, but-"

"But what, Rem! But what?!"

"There was never the right time!" He rasped desperately, like he was pleading Sirius to listen, and _thank fuck_ no-one else was in the apartment. 

Then again, as Sirius balled his hands into fists at his side, hoping and praying he didn't get the urge to _punch_ , maybe a mediator would have been good.

_Make Reg sit in_ , Sirius imagined spitefully, _let him sit back and watch._

"Never the right time?!" Sirius took a step back, and his lower back hit the counter, so he was as far away from Remus as possible. "There has been plenty of time, Remus!"

"There-"

"How long?" His voice was painfully calm. Even. Still.

"H-huh?"

"How _fucking_ long," He hissed, "Have you been seeing him?"

"Since... since just after new years."

Three months. 

His best friend. 

His brother.

Had lied to him for three months.

"Since- right, of course," Sirius laughed sharply, eyes narrowing in on the shivering boy barely four steps in front of him. "So while I was there trying to... to be friends with you... y-you were..."

_Don't you dare cry now._

Remus huffed, taking a step forward, "Just let me explain."

"Go on then. Explain ahead."

"Right," He hissed, "I had no intention of ever seeing your brother."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "How fucking comforting!"

"It came out of nowhere," He continued, "Literally out of nowhere. But he treated me well, and that was all that mattered! I tried to tell you, I really wanted to, but this-" He gestured between them, "-Is the exact reason why I didn't! You'd flip the fuck out!"

"Of course, I'd flip the fuck out!"

"Yeah, well! It doesn't fucking matter now, does it!" He snapped, "He broke up with me! So you can shut the fuck up and go back to pretending to play happy fucking families!"

"You," Sirius snarled, pushing himself up off of the counter, pointing a threatening finger in his friend's face. "Don't get to say a _thing_ about me and my family."

Remus's face dropped, twisting from dangerous and thunderous to regretful, doubting. Hurt. He recoiled, wrapping his arms around his body, as though he was trying to make himself smaller, maybe even totally invisible.

"Shit..." He murmured, taking a step back, "Sirius, I didn't mean-"

"But you did!" He cackled, "So go on!" He stepped forwards again, placing a hand on Remus's chest. "Say it again! I fucking dare you." He pushed, hard, and Remus went stumbling rearwards, his back smacking painfully against the wall. Sirius saw him wince, and an apology nearly slipped from his lips. 

_Don't say sorry_ , he reminded himself.

_He's a liar._

"S-Sirius... I'm sorry..." Remus whimpered, and a hand reached out to grab him, only for it to be smacked away by Sirius.

Of all the times he'd been pissed off at Remus - all the times he'd been hot under the collar about spilt coffee, takeaways, smoking - none of it compared to the pure anger coursing through his veins as the thought of him and Regulus together.

"So, what did you do, huh?" Sirius continued, not caring about the look on Remus's face. The fear in his eyes. "What did you do to make him end it?"

"I-I dunno..." Remus murmured, "I don't know. He was just going on about me and you and him, and he really confused me and-"

"My brother, Moony!" Sirius yelled, suddenly overtaken with a strange sensation of overprotectiveness for Regulus. He and Reg had been hurt so much already - they didn't need to put up with more! "My fucking brother! You didn't even have the fucking decency to tell me, and then you break his fucking heart!" 

Remus suddenly snapped, like a switch had been flicked in his mind. The look of remorse from before dissipated, leaving anger and stress in its wake. "Break his heart? You think I broke his heart?!"

"You must have done!"

Sirius tried to calm down, tried to take in a deep breath that just came out shaky and painful, and he kept his hand on Remus's chest, pinning him to the wall.

"He's the one who left me, Pads! Don't go yelling at me!" Remus shrieked, pushing him back so Sirius was now the one pinned to the corridor wall, being towered upon. It flashed in Sirius's mind - his best friend and his brother, under the sheets. Hot. Sweating. Moaning. Panting. Lips on skin and hands on chests, legs tangled together as they trembled beside one another. 

"You kissed him!" Sirius began crying. He could feel the wetness on his cheeks, feel the tears trailing down his jawline and gathering on his chin. "You've been kissing him and sleeping with him, and you never fucking told me!" 

"Firstly, I never slept with him!" Remus snarled, "Not that that's any of your fucking business! And secondly, why do you care, anyway?! Why do you care if I dated Reg, hm? You were practically _encouraging_ him to date me a few months ago, so what the fuck changed?!"

Remus was right. Only in December had Sirius given Regulus Remus's number. He'd not tried hard to tell Regulus to leave him alone. He'd sat back, thinking that setting them up had failed, and Remus had fallen for someone else. He'd been _hoping_ Reg got with Remus. So what _had_ changed?

_I fell in love with you._

"Nothing changed," Sirius settled on, his voice back to that awful calmness he had before, echoing in the corridor. Both boys were panting, breathing heavily from the anger, Sirius's more strained as he tried not to break down sobbing.

"Bullshit," Remus scoffed. "So have at it! Why do you care so badly about me seeing Regulus?"

Sirius imagined himself at the tapas bar, interlocking his fingers with Remus's from across the table. He saw himself walking back to the flat with Remus, laughing and smiling, shivering in the cold but warm against one another's side. He pretended it was he who went to the zoo with Remus. It was he who kissed him under the butterflies, cold skin to warm, lips brushing lightly before pressing more firm, lovingly. They, in his head, kissed on the ghost train, saying 'I love yous' and cuddling in the dark. There were double dates with James and Lily, he took him home to his mum and dad, they spent evenings in Hope's cafe, learning to knit and looking at his mothers baby pictures. 

They were in love.

If only it wasn't in his head.

"Nothing changed," He echoed, lying, sighing and slumping against the wall, only held up by Remus's grip on his shoulders.

"Yeah, uh-huh, you keep trying to tell yourself that," Remus growled; a bark with no bite as he tried to catch his breath.

They stayed glaring at one another, no other sound in the hallway other than their breathing. Sirius felt disgusted with himself, fighting off the urge to inch up just a little and kiss him, push him back against the other wall, claim him and get rid of any evidence of his brother on his skin.

Could he get another flat? Would James hate him for leaving? Because he couldn't spend the better part of the academic year trying to avoid someone he loved and hated all at once. Not unless he told Remus exactly _why_ he was so angry - he could get him to understand.

_I'm in love with you._

That's all it would take. Remus could react one of two ways, really. Either he'd love him back, and all would be well, or he didn't. He wouldn't be disgusted with him, of course. They've done a few things a step further than their typical romance, so the fall out couldn't be too bad.

It couldn't be worse than this. 

The words were on the tip of his tongue, hovering so close to the air. Just as he opened his mouth to say it, Remus spoke. 

"You know what?" He said, still seething. He was no longer shouting, but Sirius could tell he wasn't far from it. "I think becoming friends with you was the worse thing I ever did."

"Oh yeah?" Sirius leered, "You'd rather go back to how we were before, then?"

"Why, because things would have changed?" Remus drawled, a humourless laugh low in his throat, "We haven't changed."

It flickered, all the fights, the arguments, the evenings out smoking, in his head, all fuzzy and overexposed, and too clear that it felt as though he was drowning. The dirty looks, the noses being turned up. The Halloween party, that night under the stars, the visit to his mums, new years eve, that night in the kitchen. He focused on that for longer than he wanted, and suddenly the image of Regulus, not him, on his knees, Remus's hands deep in his hair, made him lurch a little, holding back a wave of sickness building in his stomach, his chest, from his fingertips to the soles of his feet.

"My brother..." 

"Oh my god!" Remus groaned, stepping back from Sirius, rolling his eyes, "Can you shut the fuck up about your brother for one moment? I'm trying to talk about _us_!"

Sirius, anger building in his chest once again, grabbed the lapel of his shirt to shove him backwards. He wasn't against the other wall - instead, they stayed in the middle of the corridor, grabbing on to one another, snarling.

"You expect me to just forget, huh? Pretend that nothing happened?! Well, I can't, Remus! You're supposed to be my friend! You're meant to tell me this shit, alright?!"

"You know what," Remus probed, out of nowhere, "You're fucking jealous!"

"Jealous?"

_Of course, I'm fucking jealous!_

"Yeah, jealous! I don't know why. I don't know if you're jealous of me because of how I get along with Reg, or if you're jealous of Reg because you've got some... some possessive _kink_ over your pathetic enemies to friends trope or- or what the fuck ever! But you're acting like a jealous girlfriend or a spoilt little brat who didn't get what he wanted, Black, and I'm not gonna stand for it!"

"Oh, Black! We're back to that now, are we, Lupin?" He hissed, once again pushing Remus back against the wall, a knuckle pressing painfully against his windpipe. "Why would I be jealous of _you_?"

The apartment door, only a few feet from them, flew open. Sirius didn't turn, and nor did Remus. They stayed, breathing harshly in the tense air, eyes narrowed in on one another.

"Well," Peter laughed, "It seems we've interrupted something!"

"It seems so," James chuckled along. "You two finally banging it out?"

Remus, moving faster than Sirius had ever seen, tore away from him, leaving his shirt more dishevelled. His shoulders shook, his face red, and he turned to glare at James.

"Fuck off, Potter," He laughed dryly, before turning. He pushed past the two in the doorway, and stormed out of the apartment, heading down the stair block without looking back.

"Padfoot, what was-"

Sirius's hand flew up, and he punched the wall beside him, pain shooting up his fingers, through his wrist and he winced.

"Sirius!"

"Fucks sake!"


	27. Thicker Than Water

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally haven't read this through and I don't even care ksdfhaksl  
> enjoy?? it's a mess  
> so many people won't like this  
> please hold out to the next chapter <3

Remus

Lily rested her palm on his cheek and slowly moved her thumb over his browbone. She trailed down over his temple, then under his eyes to wipe away the tear stains on his skin.

"Come on Rem," She murmured, now moving her hand through his hair, "Please talk to me about it, love. It's been almost three weeks now. Please, please tell me what happened... I'm worried about you."

"I-I can't..." Remus trembled, sniffling and tired. He tried to sit up, his back aching from the weeks spent on the sofa of the girls' apartment. However, he only managed to end up slumped against Lily, eyes heavy from exhaustion.

"You can, love," Lily soothed, "Whatever happened, we can sort it, okay?"

"We?"

"Obviously. You're not on your own, Rem, not while I'm here. We'll fix it together, I promise you. But you need to tell me what happened, my lovely..."

And Remus did. He told everything - from Sirius's song to him, to their small talk on new years eve. Remus told her everything about his dates with Reg, the seemingly-almost-kiss on the ghost train, the break-up, and then... his argument with Sirius. The argument that, even just thinking about it, bought tears to his eyes, and it wasn't long until he was crying once again. It seemed as though he hadn't stopped crying since it happened. 

"I-I-I didn't mean it!" He sobbed, leaning against Lily, "I said such horrible things, Lily! Such horrible things!"

"Like..?" She prompted, rubbing circles on Remus's back as he tried to take in a breath - all too shaky and not deep enough.

"I-I made comments about his family, and called him a-a-a spoiled b-brat! I told him he was jealous and- and..." He trailed off, tears falling harder and faster, his chest heaving and tight, hands shaking, body trembling. "I didn't w-wanna shout! H-h-he shouted first, and... and I lost it! R-Reg had just broken up with me, and then- then he started shouting and pushed me and-"

"You got upset...."

"So upset! I really cared about him! I still care about him!"

"And who," Lily asked quietly, "Are we talking about here?"

"Sirius, of course!"

"Remus..." She said, and Remus's heart sunk further - as though his organs were being dragged to the bottom of his feet. His insides churned - he knew exactly what Lily was going to say.

"I know..." He whimpered, "I fucked up... I just... I didn't think he'd mind. I thought he'd want me to be happy."

"I won't say I told you so-"

"You don't need to."

Gripping his shoulders, Lily pushed Remus up lightly, until his back was against the sofa. "Love, look at me." Remus did, eyes sore from crying, and Lily gave a small, very small, smile. "Do me a favour, lovely, think of Sirius for me. Think of a moment, or a few, of him and you."

Remus wracked his brain, and his shoulders dropped in relief. "Well, there's when-"

"No no, don't tell me. Just... think."

He did just that, sinking into the sofa, thinking of Sirius. His mind instantly caught onto the day at the Union, when he and Sirius ran to get Sirius on stage. He always looked so in his element, on stage, in dramatic outfits and winged eyeliner, throwing the microphone stand around the stage and dancing like no one was watching. But that day, when he sat down with Remus's mum's guitar, in that flowy black dress, his hair a little too messy from running there, something hit Remus. He looked untouchable, in a little world that no one else had access to - except maybe Remus. When Sirius looked to Remus in the corner of the room, his hands moving across the guitar, lips still forming the lyrics perfectly, his heart twisted. His stomach fluttered, and he felt on cloud nine. There was no one else, then, just the two of them, almost like new years.

There was also that time before they were friends. On the bench in the middle of the night, smoking and talking. There was that little moth, fluttering in the distance, under the moonlight, and it was perfect.

Not to mention the shopping trip. The look on Sirius's face, like he was the most amazing thing there was, sent a shiver up Remus's spine that had him grinning like mad. They'd gone for drinks, looked around different shops, picked out a few more outfits for Remus, and had an overall chilled day out.

"See," Lily quipped, shaking Remus from his thoughts rather suddenly, "You're smiling."

"I-"

"Remus, why is it Sirius you said you cared about?"

Wasn't it obvious?

"Because," Remus declared, a little mockingly, "He's my friend, of course, I care about him."

Lily groaned, her head falling to her hands. "For fucks sake..."

"Lily?"

"Rem, oh Rem... Why- why is it not Regulus that you care about?"

"I don't know..." Remus admitted, trying to conjure an excuse from thin air, "I do care about him. But... I'm not sure. Sirius is just..."

Important.

Groaning again, Lily leant back onto the sofa, slumped lowly, looking about as exhausted as Remus felt.

"Lily?" He asked, not turning to look at her.

"Hm?"

"Why did you ask me that?"

"I can't tell you that, love," She smiled, a little slyly, Remus thought, eyes slipping closed, "You have to figure that one out for yourself."

Confusion continued to bubble away in Remus's mind as Lily stood up, straightening her top and brushing it off. "Now, come on, you're going to yours."

Panicking, Remus blurted, "I-I really don't think that's a good idea, Lily... I really don't-" 

"Rem," Lily pleaded, "Come on! We love having you here, we really do, but you need to go back sooner or later. You've been in the same set of clothes for weeks-"

"...I wash them..."

"-Your back is only getting worse on that sofa, and you two need to sort it out."

"But-"

"Look," She huffed again, "It's almost tea time, and they'll be too caught up in whatever food they ordered in to notice you slipping in. And honestly, I'd love to see my boyfriend without him asking if you're off dead in a corner or something, like I'm not looking after you."

They argued back and forth for a moment until Remus conceded, sliding off of the sofa with a groan and clicking his back as he stretched, standing up straight. He looked at himself in the mirror, and recoiled in disgust. The bags under his eyes were dark, and noticeable, making his sunken eyes look worse. His skin had no colour, just a deathly pale. He'd lost weight, looking more gaunt than before, and the shirt he wore hung off of him decidedly unattractively. His hair stuck up every which way and - really - it was no shock that Reg broke up with him. He was a mess.

"While we're on the subject," Lily started, stepping next to Remus in the mirror and trying to put an earring in. She tilted her head to the side, squinting as she tried to get it in the hole, while Remus simply stood there, messing with his hair and watching her. "He's got a cast on, by the way. Has for three weeks now."

"Who, James?"

"No, you dumbass!" She laughed, fixing the back onto the earring and moving onto the next. "Sirius!"

"Oh..." Remus sighed, still not okay with hearing his name, before he glared at her in the mirror. "Wait, why the fuck does he have a cast on? He- uh, he never hit me... or anything?"

"Punched a wall," She snickered, "That's what James said, anyway. They spent the night at the walk-in centre up the road before heading to the accident and emergencies."

"Ah..."

"So," She smiled, "Even if you do bump into him, it's not like he can do much!"

But it wasn't Sirius he was worried about. 

They walked to the boys' apartment, just across from campus. 

Remus was a jittery mess the whole time, pulling at the buttons on his shirt until one eventually fell off, trying to think of any excuse that would make Lily let him go. Soon enough, however, they were in front of the apartment block. Lily's arm reached out to open the door, Remus grabbed it.

"Just... just let me have a moment..."

"You mean a fag?" She snorted as Remus dug his hands in his jeans pocket, retrieving his tobacco pack from it. 

"Of course," He laughed back, taking an already rolled cigarette from the packet along with a lighter, and lighting it swiftly. He put the filter between his lips, and bearly took a drag before it was plucked from his mouth again. Lily dropped it to the ground, crushing it under the soles of her flats, glaring at Remus.

"Lily!"

"No, Remus John Lupin! You're stalling!" She yelled, exasperated, drawing the attention of a few passer byers in the meantime.

"Yes, Lily! I am, of course I fucking am!"

"Get in there," She hissed, waggling her forefinger insistently, "Talk to your friends, get your head on straight and  _ grow a pair of balls _ !"

"Sexist-"

"Remus!!"

"Alright!"

Huffing, Remus shoved the packet back into his pockets, scowling at Lily, before pushing open the door to the apartment block.

"That's my boy," She teased, earning a not unkind 'shut up' from Remus.

As he walked up the steps, Remus tried to focus on anything except the inevitable awkwardness coming. He listened to the hollow sound of his shoes hitting the lino stair covering, for the utterings coming from the other floors. He attempted to pay attention to the strange breeze blowing through the stairwell, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, or the feeling of Lily's jacket brushing against his arm every now and then.

Upon seeing the flat door once he reached the floor, his courage seemed to bolster, and he pushed open the door without a pep talk from his friend.

"Shut it, Prongs!" Peter laughed from what Remus guessed was the kitchen-diner. 

"Alright, alright, all I'm saying, is for a straight bloke-"

"We get it, James!" Sirius hissed, rather out of character for him, especially directed to James, "Peter likes balls-"

"...Chicken ones..."

" Big deal! Now, can we focus on more important things, please?! Like where the fuck he is!"

"Calm it, Siri," James soothed, "Just-"

Lily, from just behind him, gave a throaty cough the echoed into the corridor of the flat.

A head - James' head, to be particular - poked around the doorway of the kitchen, eyes widening and mouth falling into an open smile as he locked eyes with Remus. His hair still unruly, still looking from behind large round glasses.

"Moony!" He grinned, stepping from the kitchen, and approaching them, "I'm glad you're here!"

"Hey, Prongs..." He replied awkwardly, "Look, mate, I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"You don't-"

"I do. I'm sorry, I really am. No matter how annoyed I was with...  _ him _ , I shouldn't have sworn at you or upped and left without saying anything."

"I forgive you, Moony!" James smiled, ruffling his hair a moment, before turning to Lily, "Now shift it! I have my gorgeous girlfriend to say hello to!"

"Charmer, as always," Lily muttered, amused, letting herself be pulled into a hug. After (very soppy) hellos and catch-ups, James let her go, keeping her hand in his.

"We- uh, we've just ordered in food..." He mumbled, gesturing to the doorway of the kitchen with his chin, "If you'd like to join us?"

"Yeah, I'd be up for that," Remus tried to smile, catching Lily's insistent expression from the corner of his eye, and followed James into the next room.

He stepped into the kitchen, and tried to look at Peter and Peter alone, sat at the table. He was tucking into his food, one hand holding a fork, and the other holding a random photography book that Remus remembered him always reading when they had shifts together. He wondered, for a moment, why Peter never took Photography as a subject.

"Wormy," He smiled, drawing the blonde boy's attention from his book and food. Peter looked up, and a wide grin stretched from ear to ear.

"Moony," He sang, marvelled as his sudden appearance, "How are you doing?"

"Well," Remus lied with a smile. Peter knew it was a lie, too, but said nothing. "What about you?"

"Well."

Peter gave a side glance to the figure by the counter, before smirking and looking back to his book.

Remu didn't want to - he didn't want to turn his gaze onto him, not at all. But he was so close, hardly an arm's length away, and Remus thought he could smell his old spice aftershave from across the kitchen.

Sirius was busying himself by filling his plate with curries and spring rolls and, Remus guessed, doing anything that stopped him from turning around and acknowledging Remus's presence. He was struggling a little by the looks of it, thanks to the plaster cast on his wrist. Remus almost offered him a hand. He bit his tongue.

He looked stunning, still - despite the small scowl on his face and the tension in his body. Just the sight of him made Remus's stomach flip, and he pinned it to anxiety. He'd missed Sirius the last three weeks, more than he'd admit. 

"Well then, Moony!" James broke the silence, smacking Remus on the back hard enough that he jolted forwards a little. "Help yourself! We got you that Schezwan Mixed Vegetables, and all the spring rolls are veggie!"

_ Got him? _

A small glance to Peter and James (and their rather mug faces) showed that Lily had likely texted them and they knew he was coming.

Sirius, however, didn't.

Sirius's back stiffened up, and he cleared his throat. Finally, he turned to look at Remus, eyes shifting a little, feet shuffling on the floor in a display of anxiety Remus hadn't seen from his friend before.

"R-Lupin." He blurted out, stammering over the returning last names.

"Black."

"I- uh, your veg, it's... um," Sirius mumbled, before pointing to a foil tray off to the side, away from the meat.

Behind him, Remus could hear Lily joining them in the kitchen, and she and her boyfriend took seats opposite Peter at the table.

"Thanks," He gave a small smile, not looking Sirius in the eyes. This wasn't how it was meant to go - they needed to talk it out, goddamnit! Not this! Not shuffling around one another, avoiding the topic at all costs.

Shuffling past him, Remus stood beside Sirius at the counter, taking an abandoned fork from the side and opening the box of Schezwan Mixed Vegetables. He began scooping it onto the plate, slowly, his shoulders tense and hands shaking.

"So," Sirius continued, a little more amusement in his voice than before. He carried on filling his place, looking over to Remus from the corner of his eye. "Finished your little temper tantrum? Talking to me now, hm?" He teased.

It was just teasing; a strained (and admittedly awful) way at breaking the silence. Remus knew this. Rationally, anyway.

"Temper tantrum?" He scoffed, slamming his fork to the counter, sending little specks and splatters of sauce flying. " _ You  _ were the one who started shouting at  _ me _ ! Don't accuse me of being the one throwing a tantrum."

"Re..." Lily murmured, standing from her seat and walking to his side. She settled a hand on his upper arm in an attempt to calm him.

"No, Lily! He started it. Oh, you know what," Remus huffed, "I don't know why I even bothered coming here. I knew it wouldn't end well."

"End well?" Now was Sirius's turn to scoff, "We haven't even talked it out and here you are talking about an ending? You avoid me for, what, three weeks, and you won't give me the light of day?" He flailed his arms, the right one in the cast moving a little more stiffly.

Taking a step forward, Remus towered over him, glaring down. "Why should I?" He hissed, folding his arms. "I tried to explain myself three weeks ago! I tried to apologise, and you weren't having any of it!"

"I wasn't ready to hear it then!"

"And I'm not ready to explain it now!"

"Sirius," James grumbled from the table.

"Leave them, Prongs," Peter butted in.

"I don't get why you were so fucking angry!" Remus began to explain against his better judgement. He needed to leave, to cool down, to talk this out with him when they were both in a better state of mind. "You were my friend! You're meant to be happy for me!"

"You were  _ my  _ friend! You're meant to tell me this shit!"

"You act like I was gonna hurt him!"

"Well-!"

"No, Sirius," Remus sighed, voice getting quieter, dragging a hand sloppily through his hair, taking a step back. "You're acting like I was going to hurt Regulus."

"He's been hurt before!" Sirius shouted, not lowering his voice to match Remus's, fury still burning away behind storming grey eyes.

"I know that! You think I don't know that?!"

His eyes flickered to James unconsciously, and the Indian boy was squirming in his seat, comforted by his girlfriend's hand on his.

"I bet you don't know the half of it!"

"I do, Black! He told me it all! Everything, from James, to that night, everything about-"

"Oh," Sirius taunted, his words thick and laced with sarcasm, "So my brother's too scared to tell me, and I have to find out through my best friend, and yet he tells you, his boyfriend for what, two months? That makes him sound pathetic and weak, and-"

Without another thought fleeting through his mind, Remus drew his arm back, clenching his hand into a fist and shooting it forwards again. His knuckles struck Sirius's nose, slipping and hitting under his eyes along with it, continuing to driving his fist into his face. Sirius stumbled back, smacking against the counter, and his hands shot up to his face, his good one clutching at his nose and he shrieked.

"The fuck?!"

There were yells, people pushing past, and Remus found himself stumbling to the wall, slumping down against it. Lily rushed to his side, grabbing his hand and check the wrist, flexing it. She was talking, shouting even, but Remus stared straight ahead. His shoulders were shaking, nostrils flared, face hot. The world was fuzzy with anger and regret and every other feeling he didn't want to decipher.

Sirius was looking worse off. He trembled with anger as James moved him to a seat and Peterrushed to get tissues and an ice pack. Blood was smeared across his nose, dripping over his lips and gathering on his chin. His t-shirt was no longer white, stained with a smudge of dark red on the front. Under his left eye was bright red and slightly swollen and Remus knew it would be darkening to a purple bruise fairly soon.

"What the fuck!" Sirius shouted again, bending forward and panting heavily, winded from being forced back. Peter knelt down next to him, using paper towels to wipe some of the blood off, before holding them under his still bleeding nose.

"Don't you dare call Regulus pathetic like that!" Remus yelled, jittering on the spot, wanting nothing more than to run. Run far far away, never to be seen again. Why had he done that?! He- He wanted to be friends with Sirius again! And he'd just fucked it all up!

"You don't get to defend him!" Sirius winced from the pain, hissing, "You aren't his boyfriend anymore!"

Sirius tried to narrow his eyes, the effect less scary when one was already half-closed, and Remus panicked. He snatched his hand from Lily's grip, and bolted from the room, turning the corner and heading to his room. Slamming the door shut, Remus tried not to throw up.


	28. Moths To A Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left guys ;)  
> Hope you enjoy! <3<3

Sirius

Sirius sat up from his bed, twitching his nose and wincing. 

_ Not much better after a few hours sleep, then. _

Throwing back the warm duvet and shivering in the cold morning air, Sirius had every intention of heading to his bathroom to check on the bruising on his nose. It'd killed like a bitch yesterday, and it seemed that a few hours of fitful sleep didn't help. Instead, however, he stretched, and realised it wasn't the sunlight shining into the room that had woken him up. 

He heard it again - a strange choking sound coming from down the hall, and for a moment, he was ready to leap out of bed and strangely James for getting off and waking him at 7am. Until, however, he heard it again; louder, more like a whimpered sob. Sirius wasted no time in leaping from his bed, and hurrying down the hall, no care for his lack of slippers or attire of boxers and t-shirt. Stopping halfway down the hall, he heard it again, coming from the kitchen (it was always the kitchen in this flat, wasn't it?), and he continued to head for there. 

Turning the corner, he was met with a terribly sorry sight.

Remus was curled up tightly on the floor, knees drawn to his chest, shoulders shaking as he let out another muffled sob. He didn't lift his head to see who'd walked in, but Sirius was sure he'd heard someone enter either way.

Anyone else would have left him, especially after what had occurred the night before. But Sirius couldn't do it. Remus was looking so sorry for himself, in a hoodie three sizes too big and jogging bottoms that definitely looked more like Lily's, his hair in a state of disarray that even for him was ridiculous, and he took a step forward.

Who was he trying to kid? He was head over heels for Remus - Remus could punch him a thousand times before Sirius decided he hated him (but he tried not to think about the implications of that). He walked over to Remus, and slunk to the floor, back against the counter, and tilted his head up. 

Remus leant to the side - even if it looked more like a fall - and he rested his head on Sirius's shoulders, the dark brown curls tickling his neck and jaw. He remained curled up, and they stayed like that, in silence, for a moment. The youngers sobs seemed to slow a little, shoulders shaking a little less, and he finally spoke.

"I-I-I've missed y-you..." He whimpered, trying to bury his face further into Sirius's shoulder, his body trembling, and Sirius could feel it.

"I've missed you too, Moony," Sirius smiled sadly, tilting his own head, so his cheek was resting on the top of Remus's head, mindful of his bruised nose and black eye.

"I'm sorry... I-I don't wanna fight anymore. I totally get if you- you don't w-wanna be friends with me now.... but I-"

"Of course I want to be friends with you still, you numpty!"

"Still?"

"Yes, still," Sirius reassured, "I was never  _ not  _ friends with you. I was just... angry."

Friends. Could Sirius go back to being friends, go back to ignoring that fluttering feeling in his chest, the churning in his stomach, the heat in his face?

"I-I'm sorry..." He mumbled again, shuffling closer still to his friend. 

"I'm sorry too, Rem. I shouldn't have shouted at you. I just want you to be happy."

_ Happy with me. _

"And I just want  _ you _ to be happy." Remus sniffed. "Life... Lifes too short to be fighting. I don't wanna lose you forever because I was a prat."

"You won't lose me."

The was a pause of silence. Not like the awkwardness when Remus came home yesterday, or like it often was before they were friends. It was comfortable, like it was saying everything that needed to be said for them. Remus was no longer shaking, just laying comfortably against Sirius. His hair smelt like coconut shampoo, and he was warm, perfect and comforting besides the cold tiled floor. 

"Dad's dead."

"Huh?"

"Dad's dead." Remus echoed, not moving. "Died last night. Mum called me about an hour after I heard you guys leave for the walk-in centre. TB, apparently. Got the better of him."

"Oh..."

Remus snorted, laughing a little - nowhere near the full-blown cackles that Sirius loved to hear, but it sent his heart rate soring anyway. "Not giving your condolences?" He snickered, and Sirius bought his hand to Remus's knee, rubbing his thumb back and forth.

"No," He admitted. "He hurt you. I don't even want to think about him. Anyone who hurts someone as wonderful as you doesn't deserve  _ anyone's  _ time of day, at the very most mine," Sirius let slip without thinking. He could hear Remus's breath catching, feel his body tensing slightly before settling back again.

Slowly, Remus sat up, rolling his shoulders and yawning a little, before he reached for the bottom of his joggers.

"What are you-"

"My tattoo," He smiled, rolling the leg of the bottoms up, just slightly, and twisting his leg at a strange angle. 

There, Sirius saw it. A small butterfly, delicate and yellow, resting just below Remus's ankle bone, so lifelike he wondered for a moment if it would fly up and flutter about.

"It's gorgeous..." Sirius mumbled as Remus covered it up again, shifting back as he was before, leaning against his friend.

"Mmm," He murmured sleepily, "It is."

Sirius's hand made its way back to Remus's leg as they cuddled again on the floor of their university kitchen. It'd be an interesting sight for sure, if James or Peter was to walk in now, but Sirius couldn't bring himself to care one bit. For a split second, Remus shuffled, and he thought he was going to get up, before he settled back once more.

"You know," Sirius spoke lowly, "The people at the walk-in centre are worried about me. They're asking me to not get into any more fights," He jested, nudging his friend lightly.

"No more punching," Remus laughed, despite the truth to his words. "Don't want to mess up your pretty face any more than I have, do I?"

"You think I'm pretty," Sirius said, not as a question, stilling his hand from its movements over Remus's knee.

"You  _ know  _ you're pretty, Pads," Remus smiled, shaking his head.

Sirius's heart ached a little over the words, and he found himself overwhelmed with the urge to swoop the boy up and tell him how he felt.

Instead, he gave a low laugh, relaxing against the counter and letting Remus snuggle up tighter beside him.

"Comfy?" Sirius laughed, wrapping his arm around Remus and pulling him closer.

"Mhm... you make me feel safe."

"Safe? Even when I'm shouting at you and accusing you?"

"You weren't accusing me. You were right. And yes, I still felt safe. I'd rather you be screaming at me than ignoring me."

Sirius chuckled, unintentionally, and Remus looked up to him oddly. "I'm just thinking..."

"About?"

"Us," He smiled. "Our friendship almost ended with how it started."

"With screaming and shouting?"

"And insults and shoving, yeah."

They stayed close, giggling lightly between them, tight against one another. Sirius took the moment, in case he'd never have it again, pretending. If he could make Remus feel safe, even just by being friends, he'd to it for the rest of his days.

He'd never felt so strongly about anyone before and wondered how he, the cross-dressing, punk musician, ended up falling for the bookish, anxious, newly-queer kid. It'd be like a novel, really, if Remus fell in love with him back. Too perfect for anyones good.

"You know," Remus said, barely louder than a whisper, breaking the train of thoughts Sirius found himself following. "I was going to get a new tattoo a few weeks ago.

"Oh?" Sirius asked, far more distracted by the way the sun shone on Remus's curls, bounding from his skin, highlighting every gorgeous, perfect part of him.

"I wanted to talk to you first. And then... and then we fell out, and I didn't want to get it if you hated me."

"What was it?" 

Remus told him in a hushed voice, a sheepish smile on his lips, eyes pleading, and Sirius's stomach flipped and flipped and wouldn't settle.

"Really?"

"Mhm. Do you- uh, you think it's a good idea?"

"A wonderful one," Sirius grinned, already imagining it tattooed onto Remus's skin, when a thought crossed his mind. Far too impulsive, far too reckless. A pathway to heartbreak. But he was speaking before he could stop. "Under one condition."

"Oh?"

"I get it too."

Remus's face froze, eyebrows raised, mouth agape.

"Like, matching?"

"It was a stupid idea," Sirius spluttered, "Just forget I even-"

"Yes!"

"What?"

Remus shot up from his place beside Sirius until he was on his knees, taking his friend's hands and holding them tightly. "Yes! That's perfect!"

"Rem-"

"Look, I don't know why!" He began to explain, words tumbling from his mouth faster than Sirius could keep up with, "I don't know why we should and honestly it's so stupid and reckless, and everyone will think we're mad, but it's so perfect! It's so-"

"Us?"

"Yeah! Acting without thinking, and we'll be doing it together!"

"You really want to?" Sirius checked, chewing on his lower lip.

"I really do, Sirius. I-" He dipped his head. "I don't get it, alright, I don't get why it's  _ you,  _ but I feel like it  _ has  _ to be you! Like- like-" Remus trailed off, shrugging, worry flickering over his face while his grin stayed wide.

For the third time since, well, since meeting Remus's mum, Sirius found himself having an epiphany.

"Meant to be?"

First, he realised he was in love with Remus.

"Exactly. Meant to be."

Secondly, he realised who exactly Remus was dating.

"Well, then, we ought to go and get them done, don't we?"

Now, he was realising just how oblivious Remus John Lupin was.

"Really?" Moony asked, grin stretching from ear to ear, "We'll get them done?"

"Might as well! Let's go today," Sirius smiled back, before pushing himself from the ground to stand, groaning as he did. Remus joined him, reaching up to stretch. "I know a good tattoo shop a short drive away. We can take Prongs's car. No need to book, I know the artist there so!"

Remus was jumping from foot to foot, jittering about, his smile getting ever wider by the second. 

"Alright! I'll- uh, let's get dressed, and we'll go, yeah?" He buzzed, gesturing to his and Sirius's less than formal attire.

"Of course!"

With that, Remus left the room, a happy little skip in his step that Sirius loved to see, only for his shoulders to sink once his friend couldn't see him.

Sirius dragged a hand through his hair, huffing. Of course. Of course this was how it would go. Nothing could ever be simple in his life, could it?

It was obvious, now he mulled it over.

Remus was in love with him, and he didn't even know it.

___

"I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you, I'm into you," Remus sung, moving with the music, smiling over at Sirius cluelessly. Sirius tightened his grip on the steering wheel, knuckles going white, as he thought over how to approach it.

He couldn't just tell Remus, could he? That wouldn't end well by any means. He'd freak out, run off, and Sirius couldn't do that - not when he'd just gotten Remus back.

No, he thought, turning off the ignition once they'd pulled into the car park. He'd have to go about this logically.

And by logically, he meant ignore the situation, pretend he never figured out that Remus loved him, and wait for Moony to come to him. It was safer.

"Padfoot?" Remus tilted his head, looking oddly at Sirius who'd stayed staring out of the window, hands on the wheel. "If you don't wanna do this, we don't have to, you know?"

"No, no," Sirius argued, shaking his head, looking to Remus with a smile, "I do. Come on, let's go in."

They got out of the car, walking to the entrance of the shop, and Sirius pushed the door open.

A small bell chimed above their heads, and Sirius couldn't help but smile at the sound. Generally, it was rather dark. Various designs and pictures of tattoos and piercings covered the wall, and Sirius found himself in awe at the images surrounding him.

"Hey there, guys!" A feminine voice called from the desk up front, "Anything I can help you with?"

"Uh, yeah, actually!" Sirius grinned, approaching the lady, whose eyes widened.

"Bloody hell, Sirius? Not seen you in a while! You need to visit more!" She scolded with a laugh, coming from behind the counter to hug him.

"Sorry, Andy!" He apologised, and he pulled back sheepishly, "All been a bit hectic at the moment."

"I can imagine! How's uni? Reg doesn't talk about you much, you see! You still performing and all that?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm all good! Uni's fine and I'm still on stage every now and then! How's my little Nymph doing? And Ted?"

"Both are well," Andy smiled, "She'd love to see you soon, you know, we all would, and- Oh, hello!"

She'd looked over Sirius's shoulder to see Remus, off to the side awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.

"Hello," Moony smiled, a little uncomfortably.

"And who might you be?"

"Ah, I-I-I-"

"This," Sirius jumped in, Remus's shoulders sinking with relief, "Is Remus. We share a dorm together."

"Oh, cute!" Andy grinned, brushing her brunette fringe from her face, "You two really do make a lovely cou-"

" _ So! _ " Sirius desperately butt in, "You able to fit us in?"

Andy gave a sharp but happy laugh, one that Sirius remembered cheering him up so much as a little boy, and she looked between the pair with such fondness. 

"Yeah, I can. Jarrett's just in the back, so we can both work on you at once, alright? Just follow me through here!" Spinning on her heel, hair flying about, Andy began walking off to the back studio. "So! What are you boys wanting done?"

Gritting his teeth, Sirius tightened his grip on the arm of the chair and looked over to Remus. Remus looked like he was getting nothing less than a luxury massage, laying back in the chair, eyes lightly closed, smiling happily to himself. 

"So," Sirius began, trying to distract himself from the pain as Andy continued to tattoo him. "Seen Cissy and Bella lately?"

"Ugh," She groaned, "Thank god I'm nearly done, because I really can't be bothered to talk about them." Andy rolled her eyes, falling back into gliding the needle over his skin. "How are you doing, Jarrett?" She asked the man just next to her. Jarrett, who was now laughing with Remus, was looking at him a little too interested, and the vile feeling of jealousy felt tight in Sirius's chest.

"I'm doing good," He drawled, turning his attention back to the tattoo, "Gimmie a couple more minutes and clean up, and I'm done."

"Same here."

"Well then," Sirius grinned all too cheerfully, "You can tell me about the family!"

"You won't let this go, will you?"

"Never!"

"Well. Narcissa is... well. She's- uh, she's married to that Malfoy-"

"Lucius?"

"That's the one. They're trying for a kid so, yeah, that's happening. Bella... well, I don't know? I never really speak to anyone anymore. All I know is from Regulus, if I'm honest, Siri! I have my family now, and that's all that matters. You know what I said when I'd look after you when you were little. 'Family is what you make it', yes?"

Sirius glanced over to Remus, smiling, "Yeah. It is..."

"Right!" Jarrett cheered, setting the gun down and clapping once, "I'm done! What about you, Andy?"

"I am also done! Let's get these cleared up, and you can have a look, alright?"

The pair busied themselves with wiping off the extra ink and cleaning it up, and Sirius turned to Remus.

"No regrets?"

"None at all," He smiled, "You?"

"Not one!"

"There you go, lads," Jarrett grinned, "You're alright to have a look now, if-"

The chorus of 'I Wanna Be Your Dog' started playing, echoing around the tattoo studio, and Sirius drew his phone from his pocket.

"Sorry," He mumbled, showing Remus his phone screen, "I gotta take this." He pressed the answer call button, and bought the phone to his ear.

"Where the fuck are you?!"

"Ah," Sirius laughed, "Sorry mate, Moony and I-"

"Have you two made up yet?"

"Uh, yeah, we have. We're just-"

"So where are you-"

"Let me fucking finish!" He yelled down the phone, and he caught Remus and Andy laughing in the background. "Bloody hell, Prongs! We're getting tattoos!"

"Tattoos..?"

"Mhm! Matching, too."

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and then a murmur.

"You're getting matching tattoos?"

"We are."

"So," James said teasingly, "You sucked his dick yet?"

"I did that a while ago!" Sirius spluttered with a laugh, "But no, I haven't. I need to talk to you later anyway." Remus gave him an odd look from the seat beside him, but he tried to ignore it.

"Okay then. What's the tattoo?"

"Oh, uh, nothing big-"

"What is it?"

Keeping the phone to his ear, Sirius looked down to his ankle, and his heart swelled in his chest. 

Resting there, just beside the ankle bone, hardly bigger than the pad of his thumb, was a Hummingbird Hawk-Moth. It was as realistic as it could get, and once again, Sirius thought it would flutter up and off of his flesh. The skin was a little raised and sore, but it didn't take away from the sheer beauty of the moth tattoo.

"I- uh-" He choked, overwhelmed with emotion and trying not to cry, "I'll call you back, mate." He said before hanging up.

"It's gorgeous..." Remus muttered, and Sirius looked up to see a tear sliding down his cheek.

"It is," He smiled, staring not at the tattoo, but at Remus.

"It's so perfect. Thank you, guys..."

"It's on us," Andy grinned to Remus, "It didn't take long and it's small."

"Andy-"

"Remus, love," She laughed, cutting off his protests, "It's fine. Consider it a gift to my cousin here." She ruffled Sirius's hair, who was too caught up in flickering between looking at Remus and the tattoo to care much.

Something so small and, what a few months ago, Sirius thought was insignificant, was such a massive part of him, and he couldn't wrap his head around it. 

"Thank you, Andy, that means the world..."

"You know," Remus smiled through small tears, "It's almost been seven months until that night."

"That many already?"

"Mhm... we'll be moving out of dorms soon, you know?"

"Damn," Sirius laughed, "That's scary. You know where you're going?"

Andy and Jarrett busied themselves with grabbing the second skin, prepping them to head off, leaving the two to talk a moment.

"Well, I could go back to mums, it's not too far, but..."

"But?"

"Me, you, Peter, James and Lily. Get a place together. I know- I know it's a lot to think over, and I totally get if you guys aren't up for it, but-"

"That sounds amazing. Keep the squad together, yeah?"

"If you'll have me, after everything?" Remus fretted, gnawing on his lower lip and looking at Sirius through damp lashes.

"Of course I will. I forgive you, Remus, if you'll forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you, Sirius," He grinned. "Friends, right Padfoot? For good?"

Sirius's heart twinged, pulled and ached and burned beneath his ribs, his stomach curling up and hands shaking. 

Remus had no idea - he really had no clue. 

Unless Sirius was wrong and Remus didn't love him.

For a moment, he pondered which was worse.

"Friends, Moony, for good."


	29. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oH my god this chapter was a pain to write  
> my mind wasn't having any of it, but here we are~!!!!
> 
> One chapter to go :)

Remus

"Goodness, Rem," Hope laughed, pulling out the seat beside her son and greeting Lily. She sat down, placing the three mugs onto the table, before taking a sip from her own. "I can't keep up with you boys!"

"Nor can I, Mum," Remus chuckled, shaking his head and picking up his own mug. 

Lily, taking a gulp from her own drink, rolled her eyes, "How do you think I feel, Hope! You didn't have this one living with you for three weeks, curled up on the sofa! He ate all of my biscuits! All. Of. Them."

"You could have come here, love, you know that?" Hope insisted, looking a little chagrined at Remus.

"I know, Mum, but I didn't want to bother you."

"So you bother poor Lily?"

"You know what I mean," He laughed halfheartedly.

The cafe was busy for a Wednesday, and Remus watched as his mum's eyes flickered over to the counter. She was ready to help her employees as soon as it became too much for them to handle, apron still on and customer service smile stretching from ear to ear. Lily was opposite her, with her long hair straight down to her shoulders, flicking out a little at the bottom, eyeliner thin on her lashline. She rested her chin in her hand, the other staying holding her mug as she took small sips of the hot drink.

Hope, chuckling lightly to herself, waved her hands about in a stopping motion, her hair slipping from its bobble. "Okay, okay, so run me through this all again, because I still don't understand what happened."

"So, he found out about Regulus and me-"

"Yes yes," Lily interrupted, "We know about that! Get onto the good bits!"

"He confronted me, we argued, and I ignored him for three weeks. Lily took me back to the flat where we argued, again, and I hit him."

" _Rem_..." Hope scolded.

"I know, Mum. I hate myself for it. I've apologised because I felt awful. But then-"

"Now's the good bit!" Lily jittered, eyes wide with excitement, seeing as she'd heard the story from both Remus and James already.

"The tattoo?"

"Yes!"

"Well, we made up, talked it out a little, and got tattoos. Sirius's cousin ran the shop, and so we got them for free," He grinned, shrugging.

Lily and Hope asked to see, and Remus lifted his leg onto the table, rolling up his jeans and down his socks a little, uncaring of the patrons looking at them oddly. 

While his mum and friend peered at the small tattoo on his ankle, Remus felt his heart swelling with joy, the smile on his face widening more and more and more.

"There's still a lot to talk over," He continued, dragging the pad of his thumb smoothy over the tattoo, second-skin still firmly stuck on, "We're taking it easy, I guess. Sirius... he's not totally okay, I know that. He's acting weird, but there's progress."

"And it's only been, what, two days?" Lily reminded as Remus bought his leg down from the table.

"Yeah, exactly. Sirius, uh, he's trying to chat to his brother about it, which is good. I've messaged Reg, but I'm not expecting a reply any time soon. I think..." Remus trailed off, taking his thumb between his teeth, chewing on the skin around his nail. He looked up to his mum, her calm eyes, her patient smile. Then, Remus looked to Lily, her hand in his. He wasn't alone. "I think I'm gonna go back to therapy," He finished with a sigh and a smile, his shoulders untensing, hand squeezing Lily's for a moment.

"I'm proud of you," Hope cooed, taking his other hand. "But I thought the meds were okay?"

"They are," Remus said, "For the anxiety. But there's more than that. I lie, I hide things, I get too angry too fast. It's not... it's not something solved with medication. I need proper counselling. I can't let something like what just happened with Sirius happen with someone else just because I lied or I was impulsive or whatever."

"I'm proud of you too," said Lily, and with a final squeeze, released his hand and picked up her mug. "I think Sirius might need to do some of this therapy," She laughed around the rim of the cup, only half-joking. 

"He is."

"He is?"

"Mhm. It was, well, his suggestion, really! I mean, we talked it over yesterday, and both decided we should give it a go. Therapy never worked for him much in the past, but we did some research for Psychoanalytic therapy for him, which he thinks might work. We both do."

"That's... very grown-up of you both. I know you're both nineteen, but it's good that you're mature enough to go out and try and sort all this before it gets worse," Hope marvelled, "Not to mention, it's nice that you've got each other."

"We have. Plus James and Peter totally have our backs!"

"And us," She reminded, gesturing to herself and then Lily.

They sat in comfortable silence for a moment, and Remus had some more of his drink, no need to wait for it to cool (maybe it was from the excessive amount of tea in his milk that Sirius never failed to point out). He settled back into his seat, softly closing his eyes and listening to the clinking of cutlery and the pouring of tea amongst the gentle chatter around the cafe.

Opening his eyes once again, he saw Lily and Hope looking at one another a little oddly. Almost shifty. 

"Okay," He huffed, sitting up straight and setting his mug down with gusto, "What's with you two?"

"Nothing," Lily smiled too forcefully.

"Don't you 'nothing' me, Lily Jane Evans. Why are you looking at each other like that?"

Lily gave his mother a... look. A pointed one, with raised eyebrows, wide eyes and pursed lips. Hope sighed.

"So..." Remus's mum began in a way that sent his heart plummetting. It wasn't her cool mum voice, but her therapy voice, and it was almost enough to have him upping and leaving the cafe in an instant.

"So?"

"Lily's worried about you."

"Well then, _Lily_ ," Remus teased, trying to diffuse the tension, "Can talk to me about it herself."

"Worried is the wrong word," Hope corrected, "She's- We're... curious."

"Curious?"

"About you and Sirius," Lily quickly chimed in, biting her usually well-kept nails. 

"What about us? I thought I explained everything?" Remus asked, put off, taking a gulp of his tea and looking at Lily from over the rim of his mug.

She turned from chewing her nails to twirling a piece of her hair around her fingers, almost nervously. "Well, you see... I don't really know how to say this," She shrugged, "But I feel like I need to ask it. Is there really, definitely nothing going on between you and him?"

Remus gasped, mouth full of tea, and began choking and sputtering.

"I-I! He! Ugh!" He coughed, a drop of his drink trailing down to his chin, which he wiped away with the back of his hand. It took a few smacks on his back by his mum before he'd stopped guttering, taking in a deep breath once he's finally recovered. "Nothing," He huffed, still too short on breath, "Is going on with us! Why... why do you even ask that?"

"Come on, Rem," Lily giggled (whether from his question or his coughing fit, Remus wasn't sure). "You're kidding me, right?"

"Huh?"

"Love, you have matching bloody tattoos!"

"And? _We've_ talked about getting matching tattoo's for ages?" He questioned back, a puzzled look on his face. "The tiny little smoothie and book design you made up when we first met?"

"Touche..." Lily sighed, point number one failing. "Okay, then, what about how much time you spent together? Before you guys fell out, pretty much after all that shit happened with your dad, you two were joined at the hip!"

"She has a point," Hope shrugged with a tight but genuine smile.

Neither were wrong, Remus admitted in his mind. They did spend a fair amount of time together, whether in the flat or off doing other things. But that wasn't odd at all?

"But," He began again, feeling as though his head was permanently at a tilt of curiosity and confusion. "That's not that much? I spend no more time with Sirius than you spend with James."

Lily gave him a look.

"Or Peter and Mary," Remus emphasised, "Or Mals and Dorcas. And they live together!"

"Oh my fucking god," Lily huffed, her head dropping to the table, and she bashed her forehead against the wood a few times.

"You know what my boy is like," Hope laughed to his friend, rubbing Lily's back for a moment, "As oblivious as Mubarak when it comes to this sort of stuff! Remember when he told you about that boy from his school-"

"Oh, yes!" Lily chuckled along, perking up immediately, "He really had no clue?"

"Not one! Bless him!"

"I forgot he did that-"

"Guys!" Remus shouted, frustration tugging in his mind, "Back on topic! What the hell are you getting at?"

"Remus, love," His mum tried to soothe, "What do they all have in common?"

"What do you mean?"

"Lily and James, Peter and Mary, and Marlene and Dorcas."

"They're..." Remus trailed off, wracking his brain, "People? I really don't know, guys, stop laughing at me!"

Throwing her arms out dramatically, Lily bubbled, "They're _couples_ ! Me an' James! We're a couple! We spend so much time together because we're _literally dating_!"

Oh.

_Ohh..._

"So," Remus chuckled, despite the strange feeling setting in his chest at the thought, "You think Sirius and I are together because, what, we hang out?"

"I don't think Lily's asking if you _are_ ," Hope tried to reword, "I think she's asking if you _should be,_ " She finished, running a finger around the rim of her mug. Remus remembered, for a moment, when he was younger, and she'd trail her finger lightly down his nose, and he'd fall asleep in only a few minutes. She did it, once, the night when they left home and were in a dodgy motel for the night, and Remus had never felt calmer. Simpler times, they were, he thought bittersweetly.

Lily, who'd kept her focus on anywhere but Remus's eyes, finally looked at him. 

Again, he found himself wondering about other times. What would he give to go back to the day he met Lily? Would he do things differently? Maybe a small little change in the timeline would stop him from having to answer this question.

Really, he should have lept to disagree. To... to get mad a little, perhaps, and call them absurd.

Instead, he laughed.

"You-you think Sirius and I should be together?!" He cackled, his head was thrown back, and side was splitting. The pair looked at him, shocked, and Lily even narrowed her eyes.

"Rem-"

"Th-that's funny, guys!"

"Love..."

"Sirius and I aren't together," Remus finally got out, laughter dying down. "We're not."

Lily asked bluntly, "Do you want to be?"

"Why on earth would I want to be with Sirius?"

"I-I don't know, Remus!" She said, exasperated, "It just makes sense!"

"Right, I'm going to say this once, and that's that."

"Okay, love," Hope smiled, not offended in the slightest, which Remus was grateful for.

"Sirius and I are not together, and we never will be together, okay? We don't like each other like that at all, but let's go through some stuff. Let's say, for the sake of making a point, that Sirius does like me! Why, I don't know, but we'll get onto that. If he did like me, he'd never get with me. Ever. Firstly, everything had just happened with Reg, and I'm not about to ruin our friendship again over a potential failed relationship. And if _I_ liked _him_ , he'd never get with me!"

"Why not?"

"Look at me, Lily! I-I-I'm me! Sirius is this... ethereal being! He's perfect! He owns the stage when he's on it, he's got more talent in his pinky finger than I have in my whole body, and he's got the face of a damn model! Sirius is cool and popular, and everything that I could only dream of being. I mean, come on. I have this birds nests I call hair, and I'm basically in a permanent state of blush so my face is all red. My overbite was never fixed by the braces I wore for years, I'm too tall, I'm so clumsy it's unreal, and I'm just-" Remus sighed, and shrugged as nonchalantly as possible. "I'd never be his type."

"I wouldn't say that, Rem..." Lily trailed off, looking at Remus, sad and sympathetic.

"As lame as this sounds coming from your mum, Re, those things make you, _you_. And anyone who loves you, Sirius or otherwise, would love you because of and as well as those things, not in spite of them." Hope smiled. That small smile diffused most of the tension in Remus's body, and he gave a low laugh, lacking much effort.

"Man, I really do need help..."

"Maybe a little, love."

Hope took her sons hands, and Lily smiled at the pair warmly, placing her own hand on Remus's arm.

"So, you're really not in love with him?"

"Nope."

"And he doesn't love you?" Lily asked, shutting up when Remus sent her an amused glare. "Yes, okay, we covered that, got it."

"Exactly," Remus smiled, "And anyway, he's-"

"Hope!"

Remus's mum tore her eyes from him, looking to the counter to see a rather large queue curving around the counter, leading almost to the door of the cafe.

"Shoot," She muttered, standing up quickly, "I have to go and help; shitty timing, I know-"

"No, mum, it's okay!"

"But-"

"Go!" Remus laughed, him and Lily standing too, "We need to head off shopping anyway, seeing as I wasn't up for it on Saturday."

"Or the Saturday before that, _or_ the Saturday before that," Lily remarked, winking at Remus who stuck his tongue out. 

"Yes, yes, okay! You two head off and free up room for my paying customers," She teased, hugging the pair briefly. "I'll see you soon, okay? Lily, look after him for me?"

"Always, Hope, I promise!"

The two leant close to one another, and his mother whispered, too quietly to hear anything clear, but Remus almost imagined she's told Lily to 'keep her updated'.

Whatever that meant.

\---

"I might try something new, you know?" Remus smiled, picking up honey nut Cornflakes rather than his usual pick of Frosted Shreddies, and dropping them into the trolley. "What about you? You need biscuits too, right? Seeing as I ate all yours?"

Remus pushed the cart, leaving Lily trailing a little behind, into the next aisle. It was filled with baking stuff (which was mostly useless to Remus, considering he didn't get his mothers cooking genes at all), but the box mixes caught his eye. He thought about him and Sirius making something when they were both next free and Peter wasn't studying in the kitchen. It'd likely end up messy, of course, considering they'd never be able to stay serious (ha, Sirius) for more than three minutes, but maybe they could make something somewhat edible. He picked up a box of red velvet cake, and turned it around to check if it was vegetarian. 

"So we aren't going to talk about it then?" Lily asked, tone caught between genuine and smug.

"Hm?" Remus wasn't paying attention, to busy reading the small writing around the barcode, looking for the little 'V'.

"About what we were talking about with your mum in the cafe? About you and Sirius? We aren't going to talk about it between the two of us?"

"Nope."

"Not at all?"

"No."

Satisfied that he could eat it, Remus dropped the box into the trolley along with everything else, as Lily placed in a couple tins of custard (vile, in Remus's opinion, and Sirius agreed with him). 

They continued down the aisle, stopping to grab a few things from shelves or simply looking at what was on offer, before Remus couldn't stand the silence, a little too awkward for his liking.

"So, how are you and James?"

" _That's_ your tactic?" Lily laughed, "Distract me from the topic?"

"Yes, it is. Now, tell me. How's the boyfriend?"

"Rem, you live with him!"

"Lily-"

"Fine, fine," She grumbled, unable to stop the laughter slipping out between her words, "James and I are just fine, thank you."

" _Just_ fine?"

"Bloody hell, nosey much?! We're wonderful. We go on weekly dates, and we have the same taste in music. He tolerates all my rom-coms, he's a better cook than anyone I know combined, and I really love him, Moony, I really do!" Lily gushed, doe-eyed and zoning out, before her face dropped and she glared. "You manipulative bastard, Remus Lupin! How do you do that?!"

"You just love to talk about James. Always have," He teased, nudging her and pushing the shopping trolley once again.

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Lily, you are aware that by the, what, the fourth time we'd met, I knew pretty much everything about 'that slimy, toerag, too arrogant for his own bloody good, Potter!', right?"

Lily stopped in the middle of the aisle and gave a low grumble, before rolling her eyes and carrying on.

"Whatever! That's just like you and-" She cut herself off, taking her lip between her teeth and speeding up a bit. "Come on, lets head to the freezer section. I think we're in need of some Ben and Jerry's."

"As well as slushies? We really are treating ourselves," Remus chuckled, ignoring what Lily had almost said. He and Sirius were nothing like Lily and James. Not one bit. They weren't dating, for starters. Never would.

They headed to the last few aisles with the freezers and were excitedly looking around for the ice cream, when Lily's phone went off. 

"Hey, love!" She grinned, bringing the phone to her ear once she's pressed answer. It didn't take long, however, for her face to drop. "J-James, hang on, I can't hear you! The signal here is shite! Let me, uh- hang- no, hang on, I'll- there you go!"

"You can hear me now?" James laughed from the other end, and Remus realised Lily had put the phone on speaker. Bring a finger to her lips, she signalled for him to stay quiet and smiled once again.

"Yeah, I can! What's up?"

"Are you busy tomorrow?" Asked James sweetly, and Remus could almost imagine him batting his eyelashes at Lily.

"I'm not," She laughed, shaking her head and rolling her eyes at James, forgetting only Remus could see, "Not after that morning class anyway. Why, what are you thinking, love?"

"Fancy coming bowling with me?"

A grin bloomed on Lily's face wider than Remus had ever seen, and he seemed to realise just how much she loved James.

"That sounds perfect! Just us two?"

"Up to you, babe! Me and you, or we could drag Sirius and Remus, too? Peter has that cooking exam he's been practising so hard for! You know, the reason he's been filling us all up on beef wellington for the last few weeks!"

She smiled, "Bring Sirius and Remus?"

"Why not? Could be fun!"

"Yeah," Lily smirked slyly, "Like a double date." Remus wondered if he could roll his eyes any harder.

"God, that needs to happen for sure," James grumbled, still seeming amused, "Maybe they can finally sort their shit out."

"Huh?"

"Well, obviously Sirius is hopelessly fucking in love with him, and Remus clearly feels the same. Well, Pads thinks so anyway!"

Everything seemed to go a little blurry around the edges, slightly soft and fuzzy and unfocused. The sound from around the store became hollowed, plaintive, deadened. Remus wondered for a moment if Lily shot her arm out and wrapped her dainty little fingers tightly around his throat, choking him, trapping the air in his windpipe. But as his eyes came back to focus, he saw his friend, jaw dropped, hands still gripping her phone.

"What..." Lily muttered, eyes fixated on Remus, "He's what?"

"Sirius told me months ago that he was in love with Remus, and he told me a couple of days ago that he thinks Remus is in love with him back! Poor Remus doesn't seem to have a clue, bless him! You and I should set them up properly, see if they can finally sort it out," James laughed, as though he was shaking his head and rolling his eyes at the pair of them. Suddenly, his voice dropped, panicked, "Fuck! I shouldn't have told you that! You _cannot_ tell Remus, please, Lily!"

Remus stepped back once, twice, the backs of his thighs hitting the edge of the freezers, and his knees went weak.

"Oh my god..." He whispered, bringing a hand up to chew on his nail, his mouth numb and head swimming.

"Do you get what we were on about now?!" Lily preened, phone forgotten about for the time being.

"Oh my god," He echoed, "I'm in love with Sirius."


	30. That Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it! We're done!
> 
> (There's an epilogue but that might be a while thanks to NaNoWriMo :/)  
> I hope you all enjoyed it! Thank you for sticking through this mess, and I hope you consider looking at my other stuff, including a Camp AU coming in November!)
> 
> Love you all, thank you so much! <3<3<3

Remus

Remus's leg bounced up and down, shaking and jittering. His fingers drummed, hammered on the dashboard, tapping out an uneven beat that he ground his teeth to. His hands couldn't stop shaking, and his shoulders trembled. He felt like he was drowning, sinking further and further to the bottom of the ocean, dragged down by realisations. He had to remember to breathe, to not freeze up and sit still and stop reminding Lily to  _ hurry up _ .

"Calm  _ down, _ " She hissed, flicking on the indicator before turning into the car park. "You don't even know if he's gonna be there!"

Remus didn't wait for Lily to turn off the engine, instead of leaping out of the car as soon as it came to a stop, slamming the passenger door shut. He bolted down the path, feet thudding and pounding against the tarmac. His hands were clammy where they gripped onto the ends of his sleeves, and his rasping throat felt like it was burning as Lupin tried to suck in breaths. He thought for a moment that he should slow down,  _ calm down _ , but the idea was fleeting. Who cared what he looked like when he saw Sirius? His hair could hardly get any messier, and a little sweat and panting and dishevelled clothes never hurt anyone.

Seeing the apartment building just around the corner was like breaking through the surface of the sea, taking in a breath he was so desperate for when he paused for a moment. He looked to the side of the building and counted one, two, three windows up, and then one, two, three, four windows across.

There, in the window, was a silhouette. A person's arms were in the air in some type of balter, highlighted by the orange glow of the top lights. He watched as they pulled their hair from a hair tie and continued to dance, before Remus once again took off running towards the flats.

He was  _ home _ .

He sprinted across the quad, slipping on the grass a couple of times, barely registering the heavy breaths coming from behind him from who he guessed was Lily. Finally, he made it do the door of the apartment block and threw it open until it ricocheted off of the wall beside it and started to close. Remus paused at the stairs and glanced to Lily, who'd slipped in just before the door closed.

"G-Go on... then..!" She panted, gripping onto the handrail for a moment, "What are you waiting for?!"

With that, Remus took the stairs two at a time, racing up the two flights faster than he ever had before, pulling himself up by the railings. He tripped once or twice, and at one point expected to go tumbling back down, but thankfully made it to the floor with few issues. Three quick strides down the corridor, and he was in front of the apartment door. 

He stuck his hand in one of his pockets, only to find it empty. Then the other. 

Also empty.

"Shit..." He grumbled, rolling his eyes before lifting his hand. "Sirius!" He shouted, bashing on the door with a tight fist, "Sirius! Fukcing let me in!"

"Gimmie a moment!" Came a muffled shout from inside, before Remus could see Sirius through the glass of the door, emerging from his room in shorts, tights and a hoodie (Remus's hoodie, he didn't fail to notice.)

He walked down the hall towards the door with a bright smile before dropping when he saw Remus's face.

"What's up with you? Are you alright?" Sirius panicked, opening the door and letting Remus in. 

Remus stepped in and walked straight to the kitchen, hands shaking as he pushed open the door. He leant back against the counter, trying to catch his breath. 

He thought he should do something dramatic. Isn't this the point in the movies where he's meant to grab him and kiss him, declare his undying love and live happily ever after? His hand reached out for a moment to hold him, before he pulled back, pressing himself further into the counter and huffing.

"What the fuck, Black?"

"Remus, what's-"

"You're in love with me," Remus said, almost chidingly, shoulders still shaking and head fuzzy.

Sirius looked taken aback for a fleeting moment, eyes wide and eyebrows raised before he gave a sharp laugh.

"Oh come on, Remus," He quipped, a little too harsh, too nervous, too hesitant. "We have matching fucking tattoos! Did you think I  _ wasn't  _ in love with you?"

"Y-you've known for months..." He faltered, shaking his head and trying to look at Sirius, trying desperately to meet his gaze. "You've known you've loved me for months."

"Since I met your mum and I performed at the union. But I've been in love with you for longer, really."

"You never told me."

"You were dating someone."

"Your brother."

"My brother."

"You... you..." Remus choked, lifting his hands to slip his fingers through his hair, trying not to tighten his grip, "I dated your brother! I punched you! I treated you like shit, so why are you still in love with me?! Why are you in love with  _ me _ ?"

"Why am I in love with you?" Sirius asked, amused, taking a step forward. "Why wouldn't I be in love with you?"

"I-I'm anxious and moody, and I smile weird and-"

"You have the cutest little dimple, and your hair is so fluffy and messy, and you blush at the simplest of compliments, and you're funny and sweet, and  _ of course  _ I love you," He argued, stepping forward once more, sending Remus's heart rate skyrocketing upwards.

"You love me," Remus echoed dumbly, all a little too numb and overwhelmed and  _ Sirius is in love with me _ .

"I do," Sirius smiled. "So, what are you going to do about that?"

Remus leant back, away from Sirius, and he watched as his friend's heart broke, tears shining in his eyes. 

"Ah, got it..." Sirius tried to chuckle, moving back.

There was silence for a moment, before Remus heard steps on the landing, as well as two people letting out heavy huffs as they stepped into the apartment. One of them, Remus could tell it was Peter, coughed lowly, trying to draw his and Sirius's attention to himself and most likely Lily. Remus didn't hear the apartment door close, and presumed one of them propped it open, Neither Remus nor Sirius moved, just kept staring at each other, and Sirius looked no less than terrified.

"James told Lily," Remus began softly, "That I'm in love with you too."

Sirius stayed back, his eyes watering, hands shaking a little, and lip between his teeth.

"I-I thought you were," He coughed, before recoiling, "But, you know, it's fine that you're not. I can, uh, move out if you need me to and James-"

"I am."

"-Won't mind, really! He can stay here with you, but I don't want to make you uncomfortable, so-"

"Sirius!" Remus shouted, breaking his panic and snapping him from his rambling. He beamed, not meaning to, and took a step towards him. "I am!"

His heart was pounding, thumping hard against his ribcage, threatening to break out. The words that just left his tongue felt like fire, hot and burning but somehow so right that he wondered how he'd spent so long not admitting it to himself. Sirius looked up, cold and metallic eyes shining, resembling a puppy. His hair was wavy with a small kink in it from the hair tie earlier but fell beside his face gorgeously. He fit so perfectly in Remus's jumper, drowning a little in the fabric, mostly covering the small denim shorts he wore. As he registered the words, Sirius's face lit up, the corners of his lips twitching. 

"...What?"

"I love you too, I think."

"You think?"

"Okay, 'I think' is wrong. I  _ am _ , but..."

Of course, there was a 'but'. 

Sirius deserved better.

A voice said his name from outside of the kitchen, but Remus ignored it.

"It'd never work," He finished with a shrug and a sad smile.

Sirius stammered, "W-why not?" His face dropped once more, shoulders sinking, eyes widening in shock and pain. How many times could Remus cause Sirius heartbreak? He'd lost count by this point.

"We do nothing but hurt each other!" He blustered, "We push and push and push each other until we can't stand it! What... what am I meant to do, huh? Tell you I love you and all that shit just for me to screw you over? I-I'm a mess, I can't do that to you! I can't put you through all that! It was bed enough to- to..." He trailed off, slumping against the counter once more. "It's bad enough that I put Reg through that. I won't do it to you, too."

"But I want to go through that," Sirius laughed, too rasped. "I  _ want _ -"

"No, you don't, Sirius!" Remus's voice was getting louder, and he wanted to step back once again, only to find Sirius grabbing his hands.

"Yes, I do! Who cares about all that?"

"I do! I won't hurt you again!"

"I love you for who you are, Moony! If we have feelings for each other, then- then we can work through all that crap, can't we?"

Remus snorted, "Work through it?"

"Yes!"

"Pads, to work through that sorta shit, we need to talk!"

"Okay."

"And not jump to conclusions!"

"Fine with me."

"We need to tell each other about our pasts and that stuff."

"Fine."

"We need therapy! Definitely apart, and maybe even together, so I can explain why I am how-"

"Fine, Remus! That's fine!" Sirius yelled, pulling on his arms to drag him closer, "Now just fucking kiss me already before I just forget about it altogether!"

Remus's hands felt clammy in Sirius's, and his breath caught in his chest. Sirius was close - so close, only a few inches away, close enough for him to lean down and-

"I can't, Padfoot, I-"

"Oh for fucks sake!" Peter grumbled from the hallway, and Remus finally looked over to him. He was leaning against the open doorway of the apartment, arms folded, and rolling his eyes. "Just make out already! Firstly, I've been watching you two pine after each other for ages, and frankly, I'm sick of it! Secondly, if the sexual  _ fucking  _ tension in here gets any thicker, Lily and I are going to  _ choke _ !"

Lily beside him laughed, and Remus turned back to Sirius. His throat seemed to tighten, and his heart kept racing, and kissing Reg never felt like  _ this _ . He hadn't even kissed Sirius yet! Sirius's hands dropped Remus's, and slid them into his hair, tangled around his curls and pulling him closer still. 

"Remus," Sirius whispered, his eyes flickering from Remus's own to his lips. "Just do something without thinking for once and  _ kiss me _ ."

Remus lowered his head a little, only slightly, until his lips brushed against Sirius's. It was feather light, like butterfly wings, and Sirius didn't seem like he was having any of that. Pulling him by the hair, their lips crashed together, and Remus was pushed back a little into the counter. Sirius kissed like there was no tomorrow, like there was nothing he'd rather be doing, like everything was fine and okay, and Remus couldn't help but kiss back. His own hands came to Sirius's waist, grabbing his small form through his oversized jumper, and tugged his body closer. He parted his lips as Sirius's tongue traced them, and really he ought to have pulled back. But Sirius was right there, in love with him and everything seemed to make sense.

Somewhere in the muffle of everything around them, anything that wasn't solely Sirius, there was thumping, like shoes stomping on the ground.

"Sirius!" Someone cried from outside of the apartment, and the voice got louder and louder, "I fucked up! I told Lily about how you feel about Remus, and she was on speakerphone with him, and she just hung up, and I don't know what- Oh." James seemed to halt as he got to the entrance, standing beside a smug Lily and exasperated Peter. "He knows."

"Yes," Sirius mumbled against Remus's lips, a strange sensation that Remus was sure he could get addicted to, "I know."

"Fucking finally," James muttered as Sirius kissed Remus again, tightening his grip on the brunettes' hair a little. "Alright, alright! We get it, you're both loved up! Now stop sucking face in front of us!" He grumbled, joined with agreements from Peter.

"You know, Prongs," Now was Remus's turn to talk, teasing James and nipping Sirius's bottom lip lightly between his teeth, "We've had to watch you and Lily make out plenty of times. I think it's time Padfoot and I enact our revenge."

"Sounds good with me, Moony," Sirius quipped, before kissing him once again, now as deep. They took a little pity on Peter, more than James.

James gave a single clap and a sigh, "Well, if you two are gonna do that, can you at least move out of the way? I want to get to the takeout menus. I fancy Chinese."

"You always fancy Chinese!" Peter argued.

"Do not!"

"Do too! I want Indian for once!"

"Ugh, we had that the other night, and the curry was too spicy!"

"James, you're literally Indian, and you're the most pathetic person when it comes to spice."

"Boys, how about you let the girl decide?"

"Quiet, Lily!" "Leave this to me, babe!"

"Hey!" Sirius shouted, pulling back from Remus and loosening the grip on his hair, sliding his hands down to his sides. "Considering everything that's just happened, I think it's only fair that my boyfriend picks what we eat."

"Boyfriend, hm?" Remus smirked, "I rather like the sound of that."

"As do I, as long as you don't go freaking out on me again, okay? I'm here for as long as you want me, and we'll get through the rest of it together. Warts and all."

"No promises about the freak outs, but I'll try," He laughed, and Sirius gave a light kiss on his nose.

Lily came into the kitchen and ran her hand over Remus's hair for a moment, and smiled.

"Happy?"

"Very."

She and James snatched up a few menus and settled at the kitchen table with Peter. "So," Pete asked, "What do you fancy Rem?"

"Pizza sounds good to me," He mumbled out, far too focused on Sirius and his eyes and his hair and his smile and everything he'd missed for so long. 

Everyone behind him started to shuffle about, muttering and laughing and opening the leaflets, but Remus couldn't bare to move.

"I've wanted this for seven months," Sirius smiled, planting a kiss on Remus's cheek, then jaw, then lips.

"Seven months?" He asked in shock. That was how long they'd known each other, wasn't it?

"Give or take a few days!"

Peter laughed from the table, "Ugh, they're gonna be like this all the time now, aren't they?"

"They weren't always like that?" Lily snickered, and James grumbled an agree.

Remus was right. The year had been very long indeed. But as he smiled at Sirius, and Sirius smiled back, he remembered it was far from over.


	31. Epilogue: Happy Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> Already planning more for this fic, including some of the five of them sharing a flat, one of Remus meeting Lily, plus maybe a wedding one too ;) but won't be working on them until after NaNoWriMo! 
> 
> Love you all <3<3

Peter

"You did great, babe," Remus grinned, kissing his boyfriend on the cheek and linking their fingers together. 

"Yeah, Pads!" James agreed, taking his hat off and tucking it under his arms, "You did amazing!"

"You did," Peter said, patting him on the back once. He wasn't lying, either. When Sirius had told the three of them that he was to sing at their graduation, he'd been a bit nervous. Sirius's usual music tended to be rock and pop, a lot louder and far more intense. But when he'd sung a beautiful rendition of Grow, dedicated to his graduation class, Peter had found himself smiling the whole way through.

"Thank you, guys!" Sirius smirked, pulling Remus a little closer to him, "I can't believe they asked me. I'm just glad I did well."

"You always do well," Remus laughed, "You know that!"

"Well, yeah!"

"Right!" James nodded, "We're off to the after-party thing, right? So we can all get smashed!"

"Not getting smashed," Sirius chided, "Not Rem and I anyway."

"Therapy?" Peter asked, smiling at them both. They'd worked hard to get through everything, and they were finally almost there.

"Mhm, out last session of couples tomorrow morning!" Remus sighed in relief, and Sirius kissed the side of his neck briefly. 

"It is!"

Suddenly, Sirius was dragged from Remus's side by an overenthusiastic James, who was practically vibrating on the spot.

"Pads, Pads, Pads! I've spotted Mum and Dad!"

"Oh, lets- uh, Rem, love, you wanna come along?"

"Imma stay here for a moment and catch up with you guys in a sec! I need to find my mum anyway," Moony laughed, shouting as they pair ran off, graduation gowns flowing behind them, "Keep an eye out for Lily!"

Peter's body shook with laughter, and he placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "We've known them, what, three years now? And I'm still not used to them!"

"I don't think I ever will be!"

He watched as Remus took his cap off, and brushed his curls from his face, huffing. They'd been cramped in the University theatre for so long during the ceremony, and they were boiling. Noticing Remus's distress (and his own), Peter began to move them through the crowd, and into some more open air.

"Sorry it didn't work out with you and Mary," Remus smiled sadly as they pushed through the crowds. 

"It's okay, wasn't meant to be. Well, we're friends still, which is good. I'm just keeping an eye out for someone for me like Sirius is to you."

Remus flushed, but said no more.

"I'm proud of you, you know?" Peter said after a while, nudging Remus in the side lightly.

"Hm?"

"Coming out, therapy, you and Sirius working through everything, you've done well. Your anger has settled so much, and you got up on stage today without freaking out too much. You're amazing, Re, you really are."

"T-Thanks, Pete," He blushed, dipping his head, "I'm just glad that I had you and Lily during the whole thing. You know, before Siri and I got together."

"I'm glad you felt like you had me there! No losing contact this time around, right? Despite leaving uni?"

"Never Wormy! Never happening again!"

Sirius

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's waist, his chest pressed to his back and resting his chin on his boyfriend's shoulders. 

"Hello, handsome," He muttered with a grin, kissing Remus's jaw.

"Hello, gorgeous," Remus smiled back, turning around and settling comfortably in Sirius's arms.

"You found Hope?"

"I did," He laughed lightly, "She's currently having a lovely little chat with your mum. You know how they both are! Get them going and-"

"-And they won't stop," Sirius continued with a snort, "Exactly. Well, James is with his missus-to-be and is looking for them now, so we might get our parents back soon!"

"He's with Lily? Oh, I need to keep an eye out for them! I have a little present for our future niece or nephew!"

"More presents?!" Sirius teased, taking his boyfriend's hand.

"Like you haven't knitted the kid five pairs of little booties already!"

"You love my knitting, don't you lie!"

"Only because I get to play with your hair in the evening when you do, as well as read in peace," Remus chuckled, slipping a hand through his hair. The pair laughed for a moment before Sirius remembered what he'd been meaning to ask.

"Oh, babe?"

"Hm?"

"Did they get the right name on the certificate?"

"Oh!" Remus said, sticking a hand into his gown, "They did!"

He pulled out a rolled piece of paper, and Sirius watched his eyes light up as he took off the ribbon and opened it up.

"There!" He pointed, and Sirius read the certificate.

THIS IS TO CERTIFY THAT

** REMUS HOWELL **

HAS COMPLETED THE COURSE OF STUDY AT 

** HOGWARTS UNIVERSITY **

"No more Remus Lupin!" He smiled with a shrug, rolling the certificate back up, and tucking it back away.

"That's amazing, Moony," Sirius beamed, pulling his boyfriend in for a hug, "I'm so happy for you!"

And he was. 

The pair of them had been through more than they should, and both had come out of it stronger. Sirius had watched his boyfriend flourish throughout their time at university, and he was blessed to be with him every step of the way - even if they hadn't always gotten along. 

"I love you," Remus said, kissing Sirius on the lips, "Onto the next chapter of our lives?"

"I love you too. I couldn't be with anyone better!"

James

"Ugh, sorry!" James laughed, a little winded from crashing into someone, and looked up to who it was, "I need to pay more attention to where I'm- Oh." He stopped, faced with dark hair and curtain bangs.

"Pott- James," Regulus smiled small, a smile that hadn't been directed to him in a long time. Four years.

"Reg, hey, sorry," He apologised again, brushing off his gown and straightening it out.

"That's okay. I was wondering if you knew where Sirius was?"

"I don't, no. If I see Sirius, though, I'll tell him you're looking for him."

"Thank you, James," Reg smiled once again and stepped to the side to head off.

He made it two steps before James reached his hand out and grabbed Regulus by the arm, turning him around.

"I- uh, Reg, look..." He ran a hand through his unkempt hair, "I'm sorry. For everything. I was a knobhead about it all. You... you had every right to be mad, and I shouldn't have acted how I did."

"I'm sorry, too," He said, shocking James a little, "I shouldn't have made assumptions, or gotten as mad as I did. Fancy putting it behind us?" He stuck a hand out, and James didn't hesitate to shake it.

"Sounds good with me, mate. Hey- uh, we should get a coffee sometime, catch up? I could bring Lily along?" He said tentatively, worrying if it was a step too far.

"Sounds wonderful. I can bring my boyfriend along, too."

"Boyfriend?"

"Mhm. He's a tattoo artist I met through my cousin. Nothing like two particular ex's of mine," Regulus teased with a smile.

"I'm happy for you, Reg."

"Thank you, Jamie."

"I- I better get going," James rubbed the back of his neck, his face feeling hot at the nickname. James never had feelings for Regulus, but maybe in another world, he might have done. "I need to find Lily."

"Yes, you be off. Oh, and James?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you for the invite to the wedding," Reg said, "I'll be attending, but I'll confirm closer to the time. I'm... I'm happy for you both, truly."

"Thanks, Regulus. That means the world."

It wasn't much, but it was progress. 

Remus

"Move in with me!"

"Sirius," Remus laughed, lighting his fag and smiling at the painted lighter, "Babe, I already live with you! Have done for the last two years." Even Peter and James beside him chucked, only for Sirius to blow cigarette smoke in their faces.

"Yes, but that's with Wormy, Prongs and Doe! I mean, get our own place!"

Remus pondered on it for a moment. It made sense - James and Lily would want their own place with their baby on the way, and surely Pete wouldn't mind, would he?

"Okay..." Remus drawled, "But under three circumstances." He made sure to smile, so Sirius knew he wasn't being too serious.

"Okay, go for it."

"One, no spilling iced coffee on me the first day we move in."

Sirius snorted, "I think I can manage that one."

"Two," said Remus, "No sucking me off in the kitchen!"

"Hm... That might be a little too difficult," Sirius smirked, kissing his boyfriend, accompanied by gagging sounds from the boys by them.

"I can't believe you did that, Pads!" Pete laughed.

"Yeah, Sirius, I thought you'd have a little more grace and decorum than that!" James ruffled his hair before leaning against the wall. They'd escaped the crowds for a few moments down the side of the auditorium building, savouring the silence before heading to the post-ceremony celebration.

"My boyfriend?" Remus feigned shock, "Grace and decorum? Are we on about the same guy?"

"Hey!" Sirius whacked him on the arm, "Rude! You weren't complaining, but my memory!

"Well, no-"

"Okay! Okay!" James jested, "Rem, what's your last point?"

"Ah, yeah. This one... this one you might not agree to."

"Oh?"

"Reg moves in with us too."

The air turned a little tense, before Sirius broke into a wide smile. "Of course! He's struggling with rent, isn't he? It'd be amazing if he could move in with us!" He stepped forward and brushed his thumb over the small butterfly pin on Remus's graduation gown. 

"Really?"

"Of course! I'll call him tonight about it." They both beamed, and Sirius pulled his boyfriend in for a hug.

"It's going to be okay, isn't it?" Peter said after a moment of the two cuddling, finishing off their cigarettes and straightening out their gowns, ready to find their parent's again. "I mean, us lot. Moving on, and all that."

"Yeah, Wormy," James grinned, messing with Sirius's hair and pulling the three of them into a group hug, "We'll be fine."


End file.
